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randomweavingTitle: Imaginary Friend
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
Author's Note: Sorry this took so long! The end was rewritten about five times, all said, and we wanted to make sure we had it right before we posted it. Hopefully we do!
* * *
But you have to realize it's strange for me, to be gone for a day or an hour and come back to find I've missed almost four years."
"You didn't miss anything worth discussing," Perry said, sobering again and looking away. "Would've been easier, in a lot of ways, if you'd been here, but... it would've been harder too. And you're back now," he added, eyes flickering back up to JD, full of hesitant hope; one hand uncurled from where it had been clutching his bed sheets and crept forward to slip shyly into JD's.
JD nodded. "And I will be, as long and as often as I can manage it," he replied, squeezing Perry's fingers gently. "I promise."
* * *
Fortunately, this time, JD was able to keep that promise. Over the next two weeks (for him), he found himself visiting Perry frequently, often up to twelve or thirteen times a day, and usually just as many times a night. His visits were longer, too, stretching for several hours at a time in some cases, though fortunately when he returned, he'd never lost track of what he'd been doing before he left; none of his friends noticed his absences, and he began to recognize the signs for when one was about to begin--blurred vision, muffled sound, distorted light--so they no longer took him by surprise quite so often.
Any lingering doubts about whether it was the same Perry Cox had long since faded, and now vanished as the teenager grew older. He had begun to work out, the gym being one of the places he could be assured time alone, and JD sat by watching as the lanky boy began to be transformed into the more familiar sculpted form of his adulthood. JD was impressed by the boy's dedication, though he knew it shouldn't surprise him; after all, Perry Cox was nothing if not devoted, when he set his mind to something. But watching him spend hours perfecting his body had a strange effect on JD, as though he were literally watching him become the Perry Cox he knew. Of course, that was precisely what was happening, but it was still oddly surreal, the way his face grew more and more familiar with each passing day. It was oddly poignant, too--knowing that whatever did transpire between them, something would cause Perry to forget him, between now and when JD would show up at Sacred Heart for the first official day of his internship.
Still, he tried not to dwell on that thought, focusing instead on supporting and encouraging the teenager as he began to throw himself into his studies and his workouts, determined to get himself out of his home as quickly as possible.
The added bulk had another benefit, too, one JD had predicted long ago, when Perry was only ten; as he continued to grow, both in strength and height, his father's abusive behavior began to abate. Perry had perfected a defensive routine that allowed him to ward off attacks without actually retaliating, and as his father, even in his drunken stupors, realized how much power Perry was actually capable of using if he decided to do so, he began to back off.
Soon after he turned seventeen, at JD's encouragement, he got a job at the local hospital as an orderly, which gave him at once an excuse to stay away from home and a place to learn from JD and the doctors there. He also began to set aside money, ready for when he would move off to college, and with the cash he kept he was able to buy himself more food and decent clothing. He was transformed, the smile coming more easily to his no longer sallow face, and he even began to attract the attention of some of the girls at his high school.
While all of this made JD swell with pride and happy for him, a part of him was still fearful. Something was still waiting, he was sure, in Perry's future; something bad. Something was going to transform him from the confident, intelligent, content young man he was now into the bitter man he would be in the future, and the more time passed, the more JD began to dread that eventuality. Every day he saw Dr. Cox, watched the way he moved, spoke, and noted the mannerisms that still matched those of the teenager in his flashbacks, he felt his heart tighten a little more with the dread of that impending event--one that he, apparently, hadn't been able to stop.
And there was another problem, too. As Perry grew older, entering his senior year of high school, JD realized the love he held for the younger man was no longer entirely platonic.
It wasn't that he started to fall for Perry on purpose. The few times he'd caught himself eyeing the boy--who was hardly a boy now--while he was working out, he'd pushed the thoughts away, tried to ignore them. But it grew more and more difficult, the more Perry came to resemble Dr. Cox, who JD had always thought was incredibly attractive.
He told himself it was wrong. He was the kid's mentor, in so many ways. He shouldn't let feelings like this happen. He'd known Perry when he was four, for fuck's sake! But still, he couldn't help admiring Perry's muscles, his strength, the way he moved...shit. Fantasy fodder, if nothing else. But he hoped Perry would settle on one of the girls who was interested, and squashed his own feelings down deep, hiding them completely.
One evening, however, when he'd settled down in front of the television with Turk to watch Love Connection reruns, he suddenly found himself standing in Perry's bedroom, the younger man standing with his back turned to him, staring at a letter in his hand. He was frozen, his other hand hanging limply at his side, fingers loosely clasping an envelope that had clearly been torn open in haste. JD cleared his throat, stepping forward. "Perry?" he said softly.
Perry turned to him slowly, staring, eyes wide and face unreadable.
"Perry? Are you okay?" JD asked softly.
Perry swallowed, and handed him the letter wordlessly.
JD took it, frown deepening, and looked down.
Dear Mr. Perry Cox,
Welcome to the University of California at Berkeley! We are pleased to inform you that after a careful review process, your application has been selected for acceptance to our prestigious undergraduate program...
"You fucking made it into Berkeley!" JD dropped the letter and threw his arms around Perry, hugging him tight. "I knew you could do it!"
"There's more," Perry whispered, pulling away and rooting through the papers on his desk. He handed one to JD, a tremulous smile playing across his face.
JD glanced at the header--it was from the University of Berkeley's Alumni Association--then glanced quickly at the letter.
Mr. Perry Cox,
Each year, highly qualified students, who have overcome significant obstacles, gain admission to Berkeley but cannot afford to attend. The Achievement Award Program gives these students the opportunity to obtain a Berkeley education through substantial scholarship funding and support services created specifically to encourage their success.
We believe in a community of scholars who are passionate about outreach and we realize that our strength as a network relies on our diversity. Our purpose is to provide academic support for individuals with different lifestyles, backgrounds, and aspirations. We are confident and have pride in ourselves that we have the power to make a change in the future.
It is this association's privilege and honor to award to you the California Alumni Association Achievement Award.
JD's face actually hurt from the width of his grin. "Dude...you made it," he whispered. "You did it. With this, and the loans and scholarships you know you can get...you did it." He realized there were tears in his eyes, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been so proud.
"We did it," Perry whispered, and his grin rivaled JD's, tears slipping down his own cheeks. "I couldn't've done this if you hadn't... hadn't helped me, hadn't..." he paused, choked, and reached up to wipe at his cheeks.
JD reached out and hugged him again, realizing with a shock that Perry was taller than he was, bigger than he was. But it disappeared as the other man's arms wrapped around him. "You are going to be an incredible doctor. I just know it."
Perry's arms tightened around him, and he buried his face in JD's shoulder, choked laughter making him tremble a little bit. "Thank you," he whispered, again and again. "Thank you so much. Thank you."
"You're welcome," JD murmured. "I'm just...fuck, I'm so glad I could be here for you. I'm sorry it wasn't as much as I wanted..."
"No," Perry pulled back far enough to meet JD's gaze, and smiled, though it was a little wobbly. "It was more than enough."
The moment stretched, the two of them holding one another in a loose embrace, smiling at each other; as the silence grew, however, JD realized there was a thick tension growing between them, a hesitant waiting that neither of them seemed willing or able to break. The smile slowly slid from Perry's face, his eyes going slightly hooded, and as JD watched, his gaze slid down to JD's mouth.
JD saw the look, and knew what was coming. He pulled away, gently, before Perry could screw up his courage enough to kiss him. "You'll have a lot to plan, so many things to arrange..."
Perry blinked, a confused expression crossing his face. "I...yeah, I know, but it...I've been planning this for years. It won't be difficult, if things go the way I..." he blushed, then looked at JD intently. "If they go the way I want them to."
"Are you going to move out right after graduation? I know you've been saving up for a while, you should be able to manage..." JD knew he was babbling, but he also knew he couldn't give into the look in Perry's eyes, no matter how much he wanted to.
"Please stop it," Perry said quietly, lowering his head a little, though he kept his eyes on JD's. "I'm not stupid."
JD sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know you're not. Perry...we can't. It'd be wrong for me to...to take advantage of you like that."
Perry's expression remained guarded, but his eyes lit up a little. "It's not taking advantage if it's my idea," he said, stepping forward again, eyes flitting to JD's lips and back up.
"It still would be," JD said, shaking his head. "You're younger than me, by a lot, and you don't...You don't really want me." JD backed up another step. "I'm flattered, Perry, believe me I am, but it's just not right. You need someone your own age, from your own world..."
"But...but I don't want anyone else..." Perry bit his lip, looking hesitant; when he spoke again, his voice was a little higher, tight with confusion and a little hurt. "I want you. I love you."
"I love you, too, Perry," JD replied, trying to think of how to make him understand. "I do. But what you feel for me...It's not on the level of equals. I've been your mentor, as well as your friend, been an authority figure, been a grown-up...I think your feelings about that are just getting mixed up. I care about you very, very much, and I'd never do anything to hurt you if I could stop it. And I think this would, really badly. You'll be away from this place soon, and you'll need to make contacts and friends will people your age, who don't disappear at inconvenient times..."
Perry looked down, face flushed. "I'm not a child, JD," he said, very softly. "I know that I was, to you, not that long ago, but...I'm 18 years old. Maybe I'm not as old as you, but I'm not a complete moron. I know the difference between hero-worship and...and what I feel, and they're not the same thing." He looked up then, glowering, and his face was almost frighteningly like that of the Dr. Cox JD knew from his own time and life. He took an almost involuntary step back, but Perry didn't let him retreat, reaching out to grab his wrist and hold him still. "If you think so little of me," he murmured, "that you honest to God think I shouldn't get any say about who I love, then maybe to you I am still a child. But that would mean you don't know me after all, because news flash, JD: I grew up."
He released JD's wrist, and took a step backwards, still glowering. "Now," he said, voice very nearly a whisper but very clear; he spread his arms. "Do you want me or not?"
"You know I do," JD replied, hugging himself slightly, a cold sickness roiling in his gut. "But we can't. It's not...it's not right. I helped raise you, and I can't...I can't just set that aside. Maybe that makes me an idiot, for saying no to something I want so much, but...I can't give you what you want. Not and live with myself after."
Perry swallowed, turning away, arms coming up to fold across his chest. "Yeah, okay," he muttered, and JD caught a glimpse of him reaching up very quickly to swipe at his cheeks. "Whatever you say."
"I'm sorry," JD said softly, his voice breaking slightly. "I really am. But I shouldn't be your first..." God, no wonder Dr. Cox had wanted to forget him.
Perry chuckled bitterly. "So what you really meant by 'you're too young' and 'it's not right' is 'you're not good enough,' huh?" he asked, voice tight with sarcasm that couldn't mask the pain beneath the words. "I get it, JD. You don't have to make up excuses."
"More like I'm not good enough," JD replied, aching at the sound of Perry's voice. "But everything else aside...how many more times do you think I'll see you? You made it into Berkeley, you don't need me anymore. Whatever controls this...it's not going to last much longer, it can't. And what would happen then? You'd wait for me? How could I ask you to put your life on hold, just for me? I'm not worth that."
"Wouldn't that be something else that would fall under the category of my decision?" Perry snapped, spinning around, suddenly furious. "Jesus Christ, JD, this could be our only chance, and you're telling me you'd rather not because you think I wouldn't know how to handle it if you didn't come back? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty damned good at waiting for you. I've had lots of practice." His voice was now dripping with sarcasm, a sneer on his face, and he began pacing, fingers curled into fists at his side. "You've got a lot of nerve, you know, showing up and giving me some higher philosophy on life like you're some sort of fucking guru, giving me your whole pathetic, whiny little sob story about how you're not good enough, you're not worthy, when you know I'm not exactly the catch of the day. I'm fucking white trash, JD, and if either of us isn't good enough, you know perfectly well it's me. So drop the bullshit and just tell me: Do you want me or not?" He stopped his pacing, moving to stand before JD; the sneer slid from his face and it was open, vulnerable--fearful, almost. "Because I swear to you," he finished, voice lower than JD had ever heard it, "if you say no now, you'll never get another chance."
"I do," JD replied, knowing he couldn't tell Perry that in twenty years, JD would be worthless next to him. "I do want you. But I can't. It would feel like taking advantage, even if it doesn't look like it to you. And if you have to hate me forever for that, then...I guess I'll have to try to live with that, instead. I'm sorry."
Instead of exploding, however, Perry simply stared at him for a long moment, then nodded, face going eerily blank. "Okay," he said again, voice steady and even. "I'm sorry I asked and made you feel uncomfortable. Thank you..." he faltered for a moment, then rallied. "Thank you for everything you ever did for me. I don't imagine I'll be seeing you again." He lowered his eyes, turning away, moving back toward the desk where the letters still rested.
JD sank onto Perry's bed, reflecting with sickening certainty that at least now he knew how he'd failed. Whether it was this rejection, or something later that had turned Perry so bitter, he knew the kid was right. He wouldn't be coming back, and so he couldn't fix anything else. "You will be an incredible doctor," he offered softly, already feeling his hold on the room slipping. "Good luck, Perry. I'm sorry..."
But the room was gone, and Turk was giving him an odd look. "Sorry for what, dude?"
JD closed his eyes. "Nothing. Was thinking about something else..."
Turk frowned, leaning in closer. "What were you thinking about?" he asked. "Because...JD, you're--shit, you look like you're about to cry. Are you okay?"
JD pinched the bridge of his nose, pulling himself under control. "Rough day, that's all...I think I'm gonna go to bed early."
Turk's frown deepened. "All right...if you're sure you don't need to talk," he said slowly.
"Maybe later, man. Thanks." JD pulled himself up, heading into his bedroom. He didn't want to tell Turk he was still having the visions--or whatever they were--and especially didn't want to tell him that he'd just fended off sexual advances. And probably ruined everything in the process.
With a sigh, JD slumped on his bed, picking up the child's drawing, tracing the rainbow, the two stick figures.
Because I swear to you, if you say no now, you'll never get another chance.
He shuddered, remembering the words. Well...there went that faint hope. But could he really just...just let it go? No. No, he had to apologize, to see if twenty years had made a difference, made Perry understand...or just made him forget. Somehow, it didn't matter which. He still had to go see him.
Pulling on his coat, JD headed back into the living room. "I'll be back. Just need to go do something..." He was out of the apartment before Turk could even protest, thundering down the stairs, driving to Perry's apartment. It was only when he got there that he realized he'd slipped the drawing into his pocket. Well...maybe that'd be a good thing.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, trying not to think of Perry's betrayed face going so pale and blank.
There was the sound of grumbling from inside the apartment before the door opened. When it did, however, Dr. Cox's--Perry's?--face drew down into a scowl. "I have to work first shift," he said with no preamble. "And it's almost midnight. So if you aren't dying and coming over here to will me your long lost family fortune, I am going to close this door right now."
"There isn't one, though I do have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me." JD took a deep breath. "Dr. Cox, there's something important I need to talk to you about."
"Newbie, unless it involves your aforementioned rich uncle, I don't see why--"
"It involves you, Perry," JD replied, voice shifting to a more authoritative tone without his conscious direction, even though he could feel himself shaking. "You and me. Can I come in, or do you want to do this in the hall?"
Perry's eyebrows had shot up at the use of his first name, but after a long moment during which JD wondered if he'd get slugged or just have the door slammed in his face, the older doctor stood back wordlessly, opening the door a little wider.
JD went in, pulling the drawing out of his pocket, though he didn't unfold it. "You never call me JD," he said, looking at him, wondering how much the other man remembered. "Even when you're in a good mood. I know you've got a nickname thing, but I have to wonder...did someone named JD do something crappy to you at some point?"
Perry blinked at him. Then blinked again. Then frowned, studying JD sidelong. "Are you drunk, Newbie?" he said, very softly.
"No." JD replied, running a hand through his hair. "I might be going crazy, but I'm not drunk. Here." He held out the folded piece of construction paper. "I think you should see this."
Perry accepted it, unfolding the paper. At first he simply frowned, but when his eyes fell on the bottom edge--where the signature was scrawled in a childish hand in crayon--his eyes went wide. "Where--what..." he looked up swiftly, face suddenly pale. "Where did you get this?" he whispered.
"As far as I can tell, you gave it to me on the playground at your school, when you were six," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Before I disappeared for a few years. You were about ten when I came back the next time. I was around fairly often until you turned thirteen, and they thought you were disturbed, so they sent you to the school shrink. Next time I came back was when you were about to kill yourself." He dropped his hand, looking up. "Sound familiar? Or am I certifiable?"
Perry was staring at him in horror, shaking his head slowly. He dropped the paper as swiftly as though JD had just announced it had been dipped in a vial of small pox. He stared at JD, then down at the paper, then back up at JD again. "No," he whispered. "No, no..."
"Did I ever come back, after you got into Berkeley?" JD pressed, needing to know, needing confirmation that it had happened, and in his own desparation missing the warning signs that Perry was about to lose it. "Because that's what just happened, about half an hour ago. And I came over here to say I was sorry again, but now I'm not sure it was real...I'm not sure I'm not just losing it. I suppose I could've drawn that picture myself..."
"Shut up!" Perry suddenly shouted, scrambling backwards, nearly stumbling over the couch when he backed into it. "Shut up, shut up! It didn't happen. It never happened! It wasn't real!"
JD looked up, finally seeing Perry's face, his own shattered nerves slowly pulling themselves back together. If Perry was that freaked, denying it that loudly...Then it had happened. He wasn't going crazy. "It was," he said, voice low. "It was real, I did see you grow up..." He slumped slightly, in relief. "I'm not going nuts..."
"No, no," Perry was moaning; he backed up until he hit the corner, then slid down, curling himself into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and shaking his head. "No, no, no..."
JD realized abruptly that he might not be losing it, but Perry certainly seemed to be. He shook himself, crossing to the wall, sliding down himself, but giving Perry plenty of room to get past him if he needed it, suddenly flashing back to the first time he'd seen him as a four-year-old boy. "Perry..."
Perry shook his head, eyes darting to JD's face, wide with fear. "You're not real," he moaned. "Oh God, you're not real, I've...God, is any of this...? Have I been...shit, am I...? How long...how long have..."
"I'm painfully real," JD replied, still sitting where he was, not moving. "Come on, if you'd come up with an imaginary friend, it would've been someone a hell of a lot less annoying, right? Dr. Cox, you've got to calm down..."
Perry's head snapped up, and now he was glaring. "Calm down?" he repeated, voice low and deadly. "You fucking want me to calm down?! Let's look at this objectively, shall we?" He climbed to his feet, barreling past JD and beginning to pace, hands flying automatically to his hair. "I spend the last twenty fucking years trying to convince myself that the wonderful, amazing, magical friend I had all through my childhood and nearly to my twenties wasn't real. Was some product of my deranged, abused subconscious. I spend thousands of dollars on therapy and medication and fucking self-help books, and get you explained away down to the way you dressed, the way you styled your fucking hair. I get you tucked away in a neat little box of logic, which I locked with common sense and buried under a mountain of psycho-babble, and now you're telling me it wasn't an illusion, I didn't spend the first half of my life in a catatonic hallucinogenic stupor. You're telling me you were real, you were really there--and you want me to calm the fuck down?!" He was shouting by the end, and he stopped in his pacing standing across the room from JD. His chest was heaving, his eyes were bulging, and his face was bright red, but there was clearly fear in the trembling of his hands at his sides, and the way he kept swallowing nervously.
"Um. Yeah?" JD offered, pushing himself up again, wondering just what he was supposed to do now. He pushed away the sudden absurd urge to shout "Boo" figuring it was hardly useful just then. "I'm real, and I'm sorry I disappeared and made you think you were nuts, but then I've been thinking I'm going crazy for the last nine months or so, too, so I kind of see where you're coming from. Do you know what it's like to suddenly start having visions of some kid somewhere, and then find out it's the attending who already hates you? Christ..." He slumped back against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Now I need to calm down..."
"This is not possible," Perry murmured, shaking his head and beginning to pace again. "This is not possible. This is fucking bullshit, JD! How the hell could this have happened? This isn't a Ray Bradbury novel, we're not in a fucking George Lucas film, this is the real world! How the hell...?" He moaned, slumping onto the couch and burying his face in his hands. "Do you think we're both crazy?" he finally asked, and his voice was soft, almost childish.
"We wouldn't be wondering if we were, if we were," JD replied, still leaning against the wall. "We'd just be crazy, and it'd seem normal. Or at least that's what they told us in my pysch classes...Fuck. If we're not crazy, it really happened. How the hell else would I know about your childhood? And you know things about me no one else does, too...So it's ridiculous, it's impossible, but it was real, too."
Perry looked up at him. "So...you...fuck, I've...I've known you my whole life," he whispered. "Jesus, this is messed up...it's you..."
JD waved, smiling wryly. "Hi. John Dorian, nice to meet you...God, do you know how bad I freaked when I read the name on that drawing?"
Perry lifted an eyebrow, pointing at himself. "'Bout like I did just now, maybe?"
JD snorted, walking over to drop into the chair by the couch. "Pretty much. That's when I decided I was probably schizophrenic. But, well...I liked you, so I didn't get it checked out."
Perry actually chuckled, though it was a little strained. "Likewise," he murmured. "I figured by about thirteen I was probably insane. But then I figured...if insane gave me you, then there were worse things to be. Fuck..." he shook his head, chuckling again. "This is so messed up."
"It really, really is," JD agreed, nearly laughing himself. "God...So...how was Berkeley?"
Perry stared at him, then blinked. Then blinked again. Then started laughing for real, a deep, almost desperate laugh that had him hunched over, face hidden in his hands as he shook his head slowly. "Fuck," he finally gasped. "What are we, just...picking up where we left off?"
JD frowned, pulling his knees to his chest. "Hopefully not right there," he said, sighing. "That's...why I came over. I wanted to apologize, again, for...for hurting you, that last time." He looked up, then. "And we can't just ignore it, can we? I mean...it'll be there between us every day, and I don't really want to switch off your service, but I think I'd have to, if we just let it fester."
Perry didn't lift his head, but he drew a deep breath and released it slowly. "I...I could pretend I didn't know what you meant, but..." he shook his head, lowering his hands and letting them drop to his thighs, eyes still downcast. "But I doubt even you would buy that. Look..." he sighed, raising his eyes to JD's, and his face was calmer, if a little sad. "It would've been a bad idea. And besides..." he laughed, sardonically. "Well, good to get a lesson in rejection at an early age, before I got too hopeful about life and its glorious possibilities, right?"
JD bit his lip, trying to push back the tears that sprang to his eyes. God, an hour ago he'd been saying no to an eighteen-year-old, and now here was the grown man telling him it'd destroyed him... "Do you want to know why I said no?" he asked, very softly.
Perry shook his head slowly. "I'd rather not have to hear the reasons again," he said. "I...I appreciate the apology, really, and...well, fucked up though this is, I guess I'm glad to know I wasn't crazy. But...no. JD, I know I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around. And I know I act like I don't have any emotions, but...well, even I don't want to hear the same rejection speech twice, if it's all the same." He gave JD a smile, though it was wry, and got to his feet, heading for the liquor cabinet. "I really think I could use something to drink," he said, clearing his throat. "Get you anything?"
"Something strong," JD replied, wiping his eyes when Perry stood up. He took a deep breath, looking straight ahead. "He was twenty-four years older than me. Good friends with my step-dad. A marine biologist. And I worshiped the ground he walked on. Hung on his every word, got so excited when he took me places, bought me things...And when I was twelve, he..." He paused, took another breath, and gritted his teeth. "He took what he wanted from me, and let me know no one would ever believe me if I spoke up. And that if I did, he'd make sure Mark would divorce my mom. I liked Mark, he'd lasted longer than the rest...and Mom liked him, too. So I didn't say anything. Not for the next two years, and then Mom left Mark on her own, and it stopped. And I know it was different, you were older, old enough to have an idea of what you wanted, but...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you why. I've never told anyone..."
Perry had turned halfway through JD's speech; now, the shot glass slipped from his hand, bouncing on the carpet. He ignored it, eyes impossibly wide; his mouth hung open, and for a long moment he was apparently incapable of speech. Then, seeming to realize what he was doing, he shook his head and closed it, but swallowed, hard. "Jesus, JD," he whispered.
JD let out a shaky laugh, wiping his face again. "Yeah. I mean...what do you say when someone tells you something like that, right? S'the real reason I stole Mom's pills... It wasn't just 'cause high school was hell."
Perry shook his head slowly, and there was a new emotion rising in his eyes--one that was at once familiar and new. Anger. But not, JD realized, anger at JD. Instead, for the first time in their relationship, past or present, Perry looked angry for him. Any emotion was a welcome relief from the fear and devastation he'd seen in the older doctor's eyes before, but this...this was unexpected.
Perry shook his head again, brows drawing together unconsciously as his face fell into a familiar scowl. "That fucker," he muttered. "Jesus Christ, JD...two years?"
"He...he started hinting around it when I was ten," JD replied. "Kept telling me I was lucky he had such good self-control...But I guess that ran out."
Perry moved forward, settling down onto the couch next to JD, angled toward him but not touching him. "What did he do to you?" he asked, voice very quiet, though JD could sense the anger and concern Perry was barely keeping in check.
JD snorted, trying to hold onto humor, onto anything that could keep him from really thinking about it, really remembering. "What do you think? What do most child molesters do?" He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, I'm sorry, I just...I just wanted to try to explain. I didn't meant to hurt you so badly. I just...couldn't do it."
"Forgiven," Perry said mildly, lifting an eyebrow in an expression that clearly said he wouldn't be deflected so easily. "JD? What did he do?"
JD rested his forehead on his knees, biting his lip hard for a moment. "What the fuck does it matter now? Isn't it enough that he did it?"
"Maybe," Perry said, folding his arms. "Or maybe not. You say you've never told anyone about this?"
"No," JD said, not looking up, wishing Perry would drop it. "I already told you I haven't. Wasn't anyone's business until now."
"I'm making it mine," Perry said, and his voice was a little lower, but no more forceful.
JD did look up at that. "That's what I meant. It...it is yours, you deserved to know why...but I don't see how hearing all the gory details is going to make either of us feel better."
Perry sighed, looking away and staring at his hands. Then, slowly, he turned them over, so his wrists were facing up. JD found himself looking at them, too--at the fragile, unmarred skin, veins and tendons visible below the tanned flesh. "You'd be surprised," he said after a moment.
"Oh," JD said softly, remembering. It'd only been when he'd told Perry he'd wanted to kill himself that the teen had seemed interested in anything outside himself. It had helped, then, he knew it. So maybe...he swallowed hard, pushing down a rising wave of nausea. "He...he told me he loved me, that I was a special kid. And I...I liked it, at first, I was flattered. He bought me stuff, me and not Dan. Mom was relieved he was willing to babysit so often, and I got to go to the movies and get treats we couldn't afford and...it was nice. But then..."
Perry shifted, moving almost imperceptibly closer. "Then?" he prompted, in a voice gentler than JD had ever heard it.
JD let out a long, shuddering sigh. "Then he touched me."
Perry closed his eyes briefly, then reached out and lay a very hesitant hand on JD's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
JD sighed, wiping his eyes, wondering when he'd started crying. "Me too. He...he told me it was all my fault, because I was too tempting and I'd teased him too much..."
"It wasn't your fault, JD," Perry said, very softly.
"I know. I do. I just..." JD squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment. "I knew it then. I was a fucking kid, how could I be teasing him? But I still couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't...couldn't mess things up for Mom. And it stopped, and I...I just tried not to think about it."
"I know you know," Perry said. "But knowing and believing aren't the same thing, huh?" He squeezed JD's shoulder briefly then drew his hand away again, settling it on his thigh and sighing. "Listen, JD, I...I know it can't undo what he did to you. But for what it's worth...I understand why you turned me down, now. I do."
"I didn't want to," JD offered, softly, swiping at his eyes again, trying to get himself under control. This was so backwards...everything was backwards. He was supposed to be comforting Perry, Perry was supposed to be younger...But Perry had become Dr. Cox, and was finally able to offer the same level of comfort and concern JD'd shown him. "Fuck, you know that was just, like, an hour ago or something, for me. I'm even wearing the same fucking clothes..."
Perry grinned, a little. "I'm not," he offered. "I've changed a few thousand times since then." He sobered a little. "But...twenty years ago or not, it's still nice to know I wasn't being rejected outright. So...thanks."
"Sorry you had to wait twenty years to hear it," JD said softly, very hesitantly reaching out to squeeze Perry's hand. "You know...I've been wondering for weeks what I screwed up so badly to make you so unhappy..."
Perry sighed and shook his head. "It wasn't that," he said.
"Oh." JD nodded, closing his eyes, leaning his head back on the couch. "What...No, never mind. You don't have to tell me."
Perry was silent until JD finally opened his eyes again, and when he did, there was a small, sad smirk on the older man's face. "Thought you wanted to know?"
"Well...I do," JD admitted, flushing slightly. "But...you're not a kid anymore, are you? And, well...I know you knowing I was real changes things, but we haven't exactly been close here and I don't..." He bit his lip again, turning away. "I don't want to make things go back to the way they were by pushing too hard."
"You really don't know when to shut up, do you?" Perry said, but the smirk had grown a little, and some of the sadness had faded from his eyes. "JD, you idiot, I was unhappy because you never came back."
JD blinked, a small, shy smile spreading over his face. "Really?"
Perry shrugged. "Well...yeah," he said, as though it should've been obvious. "I mean...for eighteen years, you were really the only constant in my life. Well," he added, wrinkling his nose, "semi-constant, anyway. And I was mad at you, when you said no, and hurt, but...I didn't really think you'd just...vanish. And when..." he sighed. "When I finally decided I'd imagined the whole thing--that I'd been crazy all along--I felt like..." he shrugged, shooting a quick glance at JD then looking back down again. "Like my best friend had died. Only worse, because I thought you'd never existed in the first place."
"Oh. Well...I'm sorry I never came back," JD replied, soft warmth blossoming in his heart. "I really couldn't control it, and now that...that you know it was real, now, I don't think I could go back. But if I could've controlled it...I wouldn't have left. Or I would've gotten you out of there, the very first time."
Perry looked at him in silence for a long moment. "You did get me out of there," he said softly.
"I..." JD's eyes widened, and he smiled, very slightly. "Guess I kind of did, huh?"
"No 'kind of' involved, kid," Perry said. "You gave me something to work toward. Hell, you saved my life." He looked at JD, blinking hard. "I never thanked you for that, did I?" he said, voice almost a whisper.
"You were sixteen, it probably wasn't the first thing on your mind..." JD stopped, looking down, toying with a shoelace. "No. You didn't. But you're welcome. God...I was hoping time paradoxes couldn't exist during that whole thing..."
"Yeah, well...thank you," Perry said, very quietly. "I don't know where I would've ended up--assuming I survived at all--if you hadn't been there, so...thank you. Even if you didn't have any control over being there, you didn't have to handle it the way you did." He swallowed, looking away and reaching up to brush his eyes again.
"I couldn't have let you...have let you go through with it. The world needs you too much, Perry..."
Perry barked a laugh, and looked up at him, finally; his eyes were wet, but the smile on his face was genuine. "If anyone else said that to me," he replied, "I'd've told them they were full of it, but...you really believe it. You've been telling me all my life..." he drew a sharp breath and looked up, blinking. "You've been telling me all my life what an amazing doctor I would be," he said. "But if you hadn't told me...it never would've happened. So if the world needs me, then it needs you, too."
JD wiped his eyes again, smiling around his own tears. "Well obviously. I'm the man." He unfolded himself, sliding a little bit closer, though he didn't touch Perry. "God, I can't believe...Can't believe I can talk to you about this now..."
"I know," Perry said. "Talk about a dynamic shift, huh?" He bit his lip, then reached out to squeeze JD's shoulder again.
"Yeah...um," JD said. "Can I hug you? Please?"
Perry swallowed, but nodded. "Yeah," he said, lips twisting up again.
JD wrapped his arms around Perry, pulling him close, letting out a soft, shuddering sigh as he did so. And tried to imagine what the other man must be feeling. For him, it'd been an hour. For Perry, it'd been over twenty years.
Perry sighed, and after a moment relaxed, his arms coming up around JD. Then, suddenly, they tightened with a desperation that would've been alarming, if their situation hadn't been what it was. JD felt the warm moisture of Perry's breath on his neck, heard the slight shudder and realized with a small shock that the older doctor was fighting tears. "I missed you," Perry whispered. "Even...even when I tried to convince myself you weren't real...I still missed you."
JD held him closer, rubbing his back. "I'm here now. And I won't leave, this time. Not until you want me to..."
"JD?"
"Yeah?"
Perry drew a sharp breath. "I never hated you."
"I know, Perry," JD replied, tears stinging his own eyes again. "I know." He paused, for just a moment, before pressing closer. "I still love you."
Perry made a soft noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan, and said, "I love you too. And I meant...I meant even before...before I knew who you were. When you started working. I never hated you. In fact, I..." he stopped, suddenly. "Never mind," he whispered.
JD pulled back a little, freeing a hand to wipe his own tears away. "What? What were you going to say? And I know you didn't hate me, I was...well, I was freaking out a little and exaggerating."
"I think we were both freaking out, so no harm, no foul," Perry said, smiling. "I mean...not like we don't have an excuse, right? This isn't exactly the sort of thing that happens every day..."
JD nodded. "It's not. But you're avoiding the question. What were you going to say?"
"I...just...um." Perry drew away suddenly, looking embarrassed. "That...when you first started here, I...well. Liked you. A-a lot." He bit his lip, and when JD didn't answer right away, he flushed bright red. "I know I'm not exactly...well, I'm not eighteen anymore, so I don't blame you, if you're not interested. I mean, hell, you've been hinting around that you wanted me to be a father to you, so it's not like you can just suddenly...well, what I mean is, I understand if you--"
JD'd always found kissing someone to be an effective way to shut them the hell up. It worked just as well with Perry.
The older man moaned, hands going up to JD's shoulders, then sliding to his neck. When they broke apart a few seconds later, Perry blinked at him. "You...really?" he breathed.
"Fuck yeah," JD replied, grinning softly. "And you're not eighteen anymore, but now I'm sure you know what you want. Probably better'n I do, but I'm willing to take that chance, if you are."
Perry's kiss was answer enough.
* * *
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
Author's Note: Sorry this took so long! The end was rewritten about five times, all said, and we wanted to make sure we had it right before we posted it. Hopefully we do!
* * *
But you have to realize it's strange for me, to be gone for a day or an hour and come back to find I've missed almost four years."
"You didn't miss anything worth discussing," Perry said, sobering again and looking away. "Would've been easier, in a lot of ways, if you'd been here, but... it would've been harder too. And you're back now," he added, eyes flickering back up to JD, full of hesitant hope; one hand uncurled from where it had been clutching his bed sheets and crept forward to slip shyly into JD's.
JD nodded. "And I will be, as long and as often as I can manage it," he replied, squeezing Perry's fingers gently. "I promise."
* * *
Fortunately, this time, JD was able to keep that promise. Over the next two weeks (for him), he found himself visiting Perry frequently, often up to twelve or thirteen times a day, and usually just as many times a night. His visits were longer, too, stretching for several hours at a time in some cases, though fortunately when he returned, he'd never lost track of what he'd been doing before he left; none of his friends noticed his absences, and he began to recognize the signs for when one was about to begin--blurred vision, muffled sound, distorted light--so they no longer took him by surprise quite so often.
Any lingering doubts about whether it was the same Perry Cox had long since faded, and now vanished as the teenager grew older. He had begun to work out, the gym being one of the places he could be assured time alone, and JD sat by watching as the lanky boy began to be transformed into the more familiar sculpted form of his adulthood. JD was impressed by the boy's dedication, though he knew it shouldn't surprise him; after all, Perry Cox was nothing if not devoted, when he set his mind to something. But watching him spend hours perfecting his body had a strange effect on JD, as though he were literally watching him become the Perry Cox he knew. Of course, that was precisely what was happening, but it was still oddly surreal, the way his face grew more and more familiar with each passing day. It was oddly poignant, too--knowing that whatever did transpire between them, something would cause Perry to forget him, between now and when JD would show up at Sacred Heart for the first official day of his internship.
Still, he tried not to dwell on that thought, focusing instead on supporting and encouraging the teenager as he began to throw himself into his studies and his workouts, determined to get himself out of his home as quickly as possible.
The added bulk had another benefit, too, one JD had predicted long ago, when Perry was only ten; as he continued to grow, both in strength and height, his father's abusive behavior began to abate. Perry had perfected a defensive routine that allowed him to ward off attacks without actually retaliating, and as his father, even in his drunken stupors, realized how much power Perry was actually capable of using if he decided to do so, he began to back off.
Soon after he turned seventeen, at JD's encouragement, he got a job at the local hospital as an orderly, which gave him at once an excuse to stay away from home and a place to learn from JD and the doctors there. He also began to set aside money, ready for when he would move off to college, and with the cash he kept he was able to buy himself more food and decent clothing. He was transformed, the smile coming more easily to his no longer sallow face, and he even began to attract the attention of some of the girls at his high school.
While all of this made JD swell with pride and happy for him, a part of him was still fearful. Something was still waiting, he was sure, in Perry's future; something bad. Something was going to transform him from the confident, intelligent, content young man he was now into the bitter man he would be in the future, and the more time passed, the more JD began to dread that eventuality. Every day he saw Dr. Cox, watched the way he moved, spoke, and noted the mannerisms that still matched those of the teenager in his flashbacks, he felt his heart tighten a little more with the dread of that impending event--one that he, apparently, hadn't been able to stop.
And there was another problem, too. As Perry grew older, entering his senior year of high school, JD realized the love he held for the younger man was no longer entirely platonic.
It wasn't that he started to fall for Perry on purpose. The few times he'd caught himself eyeing the boy--who was hardly a boy now--while he was working out, he'd pushed the thoughts away, tried to ignore them. But it grew more and more difficult, the more Perry came to resemble Dr. Cox, who JD had always thought was incredibly attractive.
He told himself it was wrong. He was the kid's mentor, in so many ways. He shouldn't let feelings like this happen. He'd known Perry when he was four, for fuck's sake! But still, he couldn't help admiring Perry's muscles, his strength, the way he moved...shit. Fantasy fodder, if nothing else. But he hoped Perry would settle on one of the girls who was interested, and squashed his own feelings down deep, hiding them completely.
One evening, however, when he'd settled down in front of the television with Turk to watch Love Connection reruns, he suddenly found himself standing in Perry's bedroom, the younger man standing with his back turned to him, staring at a letter in his hand. He was frozen, his other hand hanging limply at his side, fingers loosely clasping an envelope that had clearly been torn open in haste. JD cleared his throat, stepping forward. "Perry?" he said softly.
Perry turned to him slowly, staring, eyes wide and face unreadable.
"Perry? Are you okay?" JD asked softly.
Perry swallowed, and handed him the letter wordlessly.
JD took it, frown deepening, and looked down.
Dear Mr. Perry Cox,
Welcome to the University of California at Berkeley! We are pleased to inform you that after a careful review process, your application has been selected for acceptance to our prestigious undergraduate program...
"You fucking made it into Berkeley!" JD dropped the letter and threw his arms around Perry, hugging him tight. "I knew you could do it!"
"There's more," Perry whispered, pulling away and rooting through the papers on his desk. He handed one to JD, a tremulous smile playing across his face.
JD glanced at the header--it was from the University of Berkeley's Alumni Association--then glanced quickly at the letter.
Mr. Perry Cox,
Each year, highly qualified students, who have overcome significant obstacles, gain admission to Berkeley but cannot afford to attend. The Achievement Award Program gives these students the opportunity to obtain a Berkeley education through substantial scholarship funding and support services created specifically to encourage their success.
We believe in a community of scholars who are passionate about outreach and we realize that our strength as a network relies on our diversity. Our purpose is to provide academic support for individuals with different lifestyles, backgrounds, and aspirations. We are confident and have pride in ourselves that we have the power to make a change in the future.
It is this association's privilege and honor to award to you the California Alumni Association Achievement Award.
JD's face actually hurt from the width of his grin. "Dude...you made it," he whispered. "You did it. With this, and the loans and scholarships you know you can get...you did it." He realized there were tears in his eyes, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been so proud.
"We did it," Perry whispered, and his grin rivaled JD's, tears slipping down his own cheeks. "I couldn't've done this if you hadn't... hadn't helped me, hadn't..." he paused, choked, and reached up to wipe at his cheeks.
JD reached out and hugged him again, realizing with a shock that Perry was taller than he was, bigger than he was. But it disappeared as the other man's arms wrapped around him. "You are going to be an incredible doctor. I just know it."
Perry's arms tightened around him, and he buried his face in JD's shoulder, choked laughter making him tremble a little bit. "Thank you," he whispered, again and again. "Thank you so much. Thank you."
"You're welcome," JD murmured. "I'm just...fuck, I'm so glad I could be here for you. I'm sorry it wasn't as much as I wanted..."
"No," Perry pulled back far enough to meet JD's gaze, and smiled, though it was a little wobbly. "It was more than enough."
The moment stretched, the two of them holding one another in a loose embrace, smiling at each other; as the silence grew, however, JD realized there was a thick tension growing between them, a hesitant waiting that neither of them seemed willing or able to break. The smile slowly slid from Perry's face, his eyes going slightly hooded, and as JD watched, his gaze slid down to JD's mouth.
JD saw the look, and knew what was coming. He pulled away, gently, before Perry could screw up his courage enough to kiss him. "You'll have a lot to plan, so many things to arrange..."
Perry blinked, a confused expression crossing his face. "I...yeah, I know, but it...I've been planning this for years. It won't be difficult, if things go the way I..." he blushed, then looked at JD intently. "If they go the way I want them to."
"Are you going to move out right after graduation? I know you've been saving up for a while, you should be able to manage..." JD knew he was babbling, but he also knew he couldn't give into the look in Perry's eyes, no matter how much he wanted to.
"Please stop it," Perry said quietly, lowering his head a little, though he kept his eyes on JD's. "I'm not stupid."
JD sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know you're not. Perry...we can't. It'd be wrong for me to...to take advantage of you like that."
Perry's expression remained guarded, but his eyes lit up a little. "It's not taking advantage if it's my idea," he said, stepping forward again, eyes flitting to JD's lips and back up.
"It still would be," JD said, shaking his head. "You're younger than me, by a lot, and you don't...You don't really want me." JD backed up another step. "I'm flattered, Perry, believe me I am, but it's just not right. You need someone your own age, from your own world..."
"But...but I don't want anyone else..." Perry bit his lip, looking hesitant; when he spoke again, his voice was a little higher, tight with confusion and a little hurt. "I want you. I love you."
"I love you, too, Perry," JD replied, trying to think of how to make him understand. "I do. But what you feel for me...It's not on the level of equals. I've been your mentor, as well as your friend, been an authority figure, been a grown-up...I think your feelings about that are just getting mixed up. I care about you very, very much, and I'd never do anything to hurt you if I could stop it. And I think this would, really badly. You'll be away from this place soon, and you'll need to make contacts and friends will people your age, who don't disappear at inconvenient times..."
Perry looked down, face flushed. "I'm not a child, JD," he said, very softly. "I know that I was, to you, not that long ago, but...I'm 18 years old. Maybe I'm not as old as you, but I'm not a complete moron. I know the difference between hero-worship and...and what I feel, and they're not the same thing." He looked up then, glowering, and his face was almost frighteningly like that of the Dr. Cox JD knew from his own time and life. He took an almost involuntary step back, but Perry didn't let him retreat, reaching out to grab his wrist and hold him still. "If you think so little of me," he murmured, "that you honest to God think I shouldn't get any say about who I love, then maybe to you I am still a child. But that would mean you don't know me after all, because news flash, JD: I grew up."
He released JD's wrist, and took a step backwards, still glowering. "Now," he said, voice very nearly a whisper but very clear; he spread his arms. "Do you want me or not?"
"You know I do," JD replied, hugging himself slightly, a cold sickness roiling in his gut. "But we can't. It's not...it's not right. I helped raise you, and I can't...I can't just set that aside. Maybe that makes me an idiot, for saying no to something I want so much, but...I can't give you what you want. Not and live with myself after."
Perry swallowed, turning away, arms coming up to fold across his chest. "Yeah, okay," he muttered, and JD caught a glimpse of him reaching up very quickly to swipe at his cheeks. "Whatever you say."
"I'm sorry," JD said softly, his voice breaking slightly. "I really am. But I shouldn't be your first..." God, no wonder Dr. Cox had wanted to forget him.
Perry chuckled bitterly. "So what you really meant by 'you're too young' and 'it's not right' is 'you're not good enough,' huh?" he asked, voice tight with sarcasm that couldn't mask the pain beneath the words. "I get it, JD. You don't have to make up excuses."
"More like I'm not good enough," JD replied, aching at the sound of Perry's voice. "But everything else aside...how many more times do you think I'll see you? You made it into Berkeley, you don't need me anymore. Whatever controls this...it's not going to last much longer, it can't. And what would happen then? You'd wait for me? How could I ask you to put your life on hold, just for me? I'm not worth that."
"Wouldn't that be something else that would fall under the category of my decision?" Perry snapped, spinning around, suddenly furious. "Jesus Christ, JD, this could be our only chance, and you're telling me you'd rather not because you think I wouldn't know how to handle it if you didn't come back? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty damned good at waiting for you. I've had lots of practice." His voice was now dripping with sarcasm, a sneer on his face, and he began pacing, fingers curled into fists at his side. "You've got a lot of nerve, you know, showing up and giving me some higher philosophy on life like you're some sort of fucking guru, giving me your whole pathetic, whiny little sob story about how you're not good enough, you're not worthy, when you know I'm not exactly the catch of the day. I'm fucking white trash, JD, and if either of us isn't good enough, you know perfectly well it's me. So drop the bullshit and just tell me: Do you want me or not?" He stopped his pacing, moving to stand before JD; the sneer slid from his face and it was open, vulnerable--fearful, almost. "Because I swear to you," he finished, voice lower than JD had ever heard it, "if you say no now, you'll never get another chance."
"I do," JD replied, knowing he couldn't tell Perry that in twenty years, JD would be worthless next to him. "I do want you. But I can't. It would feel like taking advantage, even if it doesn't look like it to you. And if you have to hate me forever for that, then...I guess I'll have to try to live with that, instead. I'm sorry."
Instead of exploding, however, Perry simply stared at him for a long moment, then nodded, face going eerily blank. "Okay," he said again, voice steady and even. "I'm sorry I asked and made you feel uncomfortable. Thank you..." he faltered for a moment, then rallied. "Thank you for everything you ever did for me. I don't imagine I'll be seeing you again." He lowered his eyes, turning away, moving back toward the desk where the letters still rested.
JD sank onto Perry's bed, reflecting with sickening certainty that at least now he knew how he'd failed. Whether it was this rejection, or something later that had turned Perry so bitter, he knew the kid was right. He wouldn't be coming back, and so he couldn't fix anything else. "You will be an incredible doctor," he offered softly, already feeling his hold on the room slipping. "Good luck, Perry. I'm sorry..."
But the room was gone, and Turk was giving him an odd look. "Sorry for what, dude?"
JD closed his eyes. "Nothing. Was thinking about something else..."
Turk frowned, leaning in closer. "What were you thinking about?" he asked. "Because...JD, you're--shit, you look like you're about to cry. Are you okay?"
JD pinched the bridge of his nose, pulling himself under control. "Rough day, that's all...I think I'm gonna go to bed early."
Turk's frown deepened. "All right...if you're sure you don't need to talk," he said slowly.
"Maybe later, man. Thanks." JD pulled himself up, heading into his bedroom. He didn't want to tell Turk he was still having the visions--or whatever they were--and especially didn't want to tell him that he'd just fended off sexual advances. And probably ruined everything in the process.
With a sigh, JD slumped on his bed, picking up the child's drawing, tracing the rainbow, the two stick figures.
Because I swear to you, if you say no now, you'll never get another chance.
He shuddered, remembering the words. Well...there went that faint hope. But could he really just...just let it go? No. No, he had to apologize, to see if twenty years had made a difference, made Perry understand...or just made him forget. Somehow, it didn't matter which. He still had to go see him.
Pulling on his coat, JD headed back into the living room. "I'll be back. Just need to go do something..." He was out of the apartment before Turk could even protest, thundering down the stairs, driving to Perry's apartment. It was only when he got there that he realized he'd slipped the drawing into his pocket. Well...maybe that'd be a good thing.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, trying not to think of Perry's betrayed face going so pale and blank.
There was the sound of grumbling from inside the apartment before the door opened. When it did, however, Dr. Cox's--Perry's?--face drew down into a scowl. "I have to work first shift," he said with no preamble. "And it's almost midnight. So if you aren't dying and coming over here to will me your long lost family fortune, I am going to close this door right now."
"There isn't one, though I do have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me." JD took a deep breath. "Dr. Cox, there's something important I need to talk to you about."
"Newbie, unless it involves your aforementioned rich uncle, I don't see why--"
"It involves you, Perry," JD replied, voice shifting to a more authoritative tone without his conscious direction, even though he could feel himself shaking. "You and me. Can I come in, or do you want to do this in the hall?"
Perry's eyebrows had shot up at the use of his first name, but after a long moment during which JD wondered if he'd get slugged or just have the door slammed in his face, the older doctor stood back wordlessly, opening the door a little wider.
JD went in, pulling the drawing out of his pocket, though he didn't unfold it. "You never call me JD," he said, looking at him, wondering how much the other man remembered. "Even when you're in a good mood. I know you've got a nickname thing, but I have to wonder...did someone named JD do something crappy to you at some point?"
Perry blinked at him. Then blinked again. Then frowned, studying JD sidelong. "Are you drunk, Newbie?" he said, very softly.
"No." JD replied, running a hand through his hair. "I might be going crazy, but I'm not drunk. Here." He held out the folded piece of construction paper. "I think you should see this."
Perry accepted it, unfolding the paper. At first he simply frowned, but when his eyes fell on the bottom edge--where the signature was scrawled in a childish hand in crayon--his eyes went wide. "Where--what..." he looked up swiftly, face suddenly pale. "Where did you get this?" he whispered.
"As far as I can tell, you gave it to me on the playground at your school, when you were six," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Before I disappeared for a few years. You were about ten when I came back the next time. I was around fairly often until you turned thirteen, and they thought you were disturbed, so they sent you to the school shrink. Next time I came back was when you were about to kill yourself." He dropped his hand, looking up. "Sound familiar? Or am I certifiable?"
Perry was staring at him in horror, shaking his head slowly. He dropped the paper as swiftly as though JD had just announced it had been dipped in a vial of small pox. He stared at JD, then down at the paper, then back up at JD again. "No," he whispered. "No, no..."
"Did I ever come back, after you got into Berkeley?" JD pressed, needing to know, needing confirmation that it had happened, and in his own desparation missing the warning signs that Perry was about to lose it. "Because that's what just happened, about half an hour ago. And I came over here to say I was sorry again, but now I'm not sure it was real...I'm not sure I'm not just losing it. I suppose I could've drawn that picture myself..."
"Shut up!" Perry suddenly shouted, scrambling backwards, nearly stumbling over the couch when he backed into it. "Shut up, shut up! It didn't happen. It never happened! It wasn't real!"
JD looked up, finally seeing Perry's face, his own shattered nerves slowly pulling themselves back together. If Perry was that freaked, denying it that loudly...Then it had happened. He wasn't going crazy. "It was," he said, voice low. "It was real, I did see you grow up..." He slumped slightly, in relief. "I'm not going nuts..."
"No, no," Perry was moaning; he backed up until he hit the corner, then slid down, curling himself into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and shaking his head. "No, no, no..."
JD realized abruptly that he might not be losing it, but Perry certainly seemed to be. He shook himself, crossing to the wall, sliding down himself, but giving Perry plenty of room to get past him if he needed it, suddenly flashing back to the first time he'd seen him as a four-year-old boy. "Perry..."
Perry shook his head, eyes darting to JD's face, wide with fear. "You're not real," he moaned. "Oh God, you're not real, I've...God, is any of this...? Have I been...shit, am I...? How long...how long have..."
"I'm painfully real," JD replied, still sitting where he was, not moving. "Come on, if you'd come up with an imaginary friend, it would've been someone a hell of a lot less annoying, right? Dr. Cox, you've got to calm down..."
Perry's head snapped up, and now he was glaring. "Calm down?" he repeated, voice low and deadly. "You fucking want me to calm down?! Let's look at this objectively, shall we?" He climbed to his feet, barreling past JD and beginning to pace, hands flying automatically to his hair. "I spend the last twenty fucking years trying to convince myself that the wonderful, amazing, magical friend I had all through my childhood and nearly to my twenties wasn't real. Was some product of my deranged, abused subconscious. I spend thousands of dollars on therapy and medication and fucking self-help books, and get you explained away down to the way you dressed, the way you styled your fucking hair. I get you tucked away in a neat little box of logic, which I locked with common sense and buried under a mountain of psycho-babble, and now you're telling me it wasn't an illusion, I didn't spend the first half of my life in a catatonic hallucinogenic stupor. You're telling me you were real, you were really there--and you want me to calm the fuck down?!" He was shouting by the end, and he stopped in his pacing standing across the room from JD. His chest was heaving, his eyes were bulging, and his face was bright red, but there was clearly fear in the trembling of his hands at his sides, and the way he kept swallowing nervously.
"Um. Yeah?" JD offered, pushing himself up again, wondering just what he was supposed to do now. He pushed away the sudden absurd urge to shout "Boo" figuring it was hardly useful just then. "I'm real, and I'm sorry I disappeared and made you think you were nuts, but then I've been thinking I'm going crazy for the last nine months or so, too, so I kind of see where you're coming from. Do you know what it's like to suddenly start having visions of some kid somewhere, and then find out it's the attending who already hates you? Christ..." He slumped back against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Now I need to calm down..."
"This is not possible," Perry murmured, shaking his head and beginning to pace again. "This is not possible. This is fucking bullshit, JD! How the hell could this have happened? This isn't a Ray Bradbury novel, we're not in a fucking George Lucas film, this is the real world! How the hell...?" He moaned, slumping onto the couch and burying his face in his hands. "Do you think we're both crazy?" he finally asked, and his voice was soft, almost childish.
"We wouldn't be wondering if we were, if we were," JD replied, still leaning against the wall. "We'd just be crazy, and it'd seem normal. Or at least that's what they told us in my pysch classes...Fuck. If we're not crazy, it really happened. How the hell else would I know about your childhood? And you know things about me no one else does, too...So it's ridiculous, it's impossible, but it was real, too."
Perry looked up at him. "So...you...fuck, I've...I've known you my whole life," he whispered. "Jesus, this is messed up...it's you..."
JD waved, smiling wryly. "Hi. John Dorian, nice to meet you...God, do you know how bad I freaked when I read the name on that drawing?"
Perry lifted an eyebrow, pointing at himself. "'Bout like I did just now, maybe?"
JD snorted, walking over to drop into the chair by the couch. "Pretty much. That's when I decided I was probably schizophrenic. But, well...I liked you, so I didn't get it checked out."
Perry actually chuckled, though it was a little strained. "Likewise," he murmured. "I figured by about thirteen I was probably insane. But then I figured...if insane gave me you, then there were worse things to be. Fuck..." he shook his head, chuckling again. "This is so messed up."
"It really, really is," JD agreed, nearly laughing himself. "God...So...how was Berkeley?"
Perry stared at him, then blinked. Then blinked again. Then started laughing for real, a deep, almost desperate laugh that had him hunched over, face hidden in his hands as he shook his head slowly. "Fuck," he finally gasped. "What are we, just...picking up where we left off?"
JD frowned, pulling his knees to his chest. "Hopefully not right there," he said, sighing. "That's...why I came over. I wanted to apologize, again, for...for hurting you, that last time." He looked up, then. "And we can't just ignore it, can we? I mean...it'll be there between us every day, and I don't really want to switch off your service, but I think I'd have to, if we just let it fester."
Perry didn't lift his head, but he drew a deep breath and released it slowly. "I...I could pretend I didn't know what you meant, but..." he shook his head, lowering his hands and letting them drop to his thighs, eyes still downcast. "But I doubt even you would buy that. Look..." he sighed, raising his eyes to JD's, and his face was calmer, if a little sad. "It would've been a bad idea. And besides..." he laughed, sardonically. "Well, good to get a lesson in rejection at an early age, before I got too hopeful about life and its glorious possibilities, right?"
JD bit his lip, trying to push back the tears that sprang to his eyes. God, an hour ago he'd been saying no to an eighteen-year-old, and now here was the grown man telling him it'd destroyed him... "Do you want to know why I said no?" he asked, very softly.
Perry shook his head slowly. "I'd rather not have to hear the reasons again," he said. "I...I appreciate the apology, really, and...well, fucked up though this is, I guess I'm glad to know I wasn't crazy. But...no. JD, I know I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around. And I know I act like I don't have any emotions, but...well, even I don't want to hear the same rejection speech twice, if it's all the same." He gave JD a smile, though it was wry, and got to his feet, heading for the liquor cabinet. "I really think I could use something to drink," he said, clearing his throat. "Get you anything?"
"Something strong," JD replied, wiping his eyes when Perry stood up. He took a deep breath, looking straight ahead. "He was twenty-four years older than me. Good friends with my step-dad. A marine biologist. And I worshiped the ground he walked on. Hung on his every word, got so excited when he took me places, bought me things...And when I was twelve, he..." He paused, took another breath, and gritted his teeth. "He took what he wanted from me, and let me know no one would ever believe me if I spoke up. And that if I did, he'd make sure Mark would divorce my mom. I liked Mark, he'd lasted longer than the rest...and Mom liked him, too. So I didn't say anything. Not for the next two years, and then Mom left Mark on her own, and it stopped. And I know it was different, you were older, old enough to have an idea of what you wanted, but...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you why. I've never told anyone..."
Perry had turned halfway through JD's speech; now, the shot glass slipped from his hand, bouncing on the carpet. He ignored it, eyes impossibly wide; his mouth hung open, and for a long moment he was apparently incapable of speech. Then, seeming to realize what he was doing, he shook his head and closed it, but swallowed, hard. "Jesus, JD," he whispered.
JD let out a shaky laugh, wiping his face again. "Yeah. I mean...what do you say when someone tells you something like that, right? S'the real reason I stole Mom's pills... It wasn't just 'cause high school was hell."
Perry shook his head slowly, and there was a new emotion rising in his eyes--one that was at once familiar and new. Anger. But not, JD realized, anger at JD. Instead, for the first time in their relationship, past or present, Perry looked angry for him. Any emotion was a welcome relief from the fear and devastation he'd seen in the older doctor's eyes before, but this...this was unexpected.
Perry shook his head again, brows drawing together unconsciously as his face fell into a familiar scowl. "That fucker," he muttered. "Jesus Christ, JD...two years?"
"He...he started hinting around it when I was ten," JD replied. "Kept telling me I was lucky he had such good self-control...But I guess that ran out."
Perry moved forward, settling down onto the couch next to JD, angled toward him but not touching him. "What did he do to you?" he asked, voice very quiet, though JD could sense the anger and concern Perry was barely keeping in check.
JD snorted, trying to hold onto humor, onto anything that could keep him from really thinking about it, really remembering. "What do you think? What do most child molesters do?" He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, I'm sorry, I just...I just wanted to try to explain. I didn't meant to hurt you so badly. I just...couldn't do it."
"Forgiven," Perry said mildly, lifting an eyebrow in an expression that clearly said he wouldn't be deflected so easily. "JD? What did he do?"
JD rested his forehead on his knees, biting his lip hard for a moment. "What the fuck does it matter now? Isn't it enough that he did it?"
"Maybe," Perry said, folding his arms. "Or maybe not. You say you've never told anyone about this?"
"No," JD said, not looking up, wishing Perry would drop it. "I already told you I haven't. Wasn't anyone's business until now."
"I'm making it mine," Perry said, and his voice was a little lower, but no more forceful.
JD did look up at that. "That's what I meant. It...it is yours, you deserved to know why...but I don't see how hearing all the gory details is going to make either of us feel better."
Perry sighed, looking away and staring at his hands. Then, slowly, he turned them over, so his wrists were facing up. JD found himself looking at them, too--at the fragile, unmarred skin, veins and tendons visible below the tanned flesh. "You'd be surprised," he said after a moment.
"Oh," JD said softly, remembering. It'd only been when he'd told Perry he'd wanted to kill himself that the teen had seemed interested in anything outside himself. It had helped, then, he knew it. So maybe...he swallowed hard, pushing down a rising wave of nausea. "He...he told me he loved me, that I was a special kid. And I...I liked it, at first, I was flattered. He bought me stuff, me and not Dan. Mom was relieved he was willing to babysit so often, and I got to go to the movies and get treats we couldn't afford and...it was nice. But then..."
Perry shifted, moving almost imperceptibly closer. "Then?" he prompted, in a voice gentler than JD had ever heard it.
JD let out a long, shuddering sigh. "Then he touched me."
Perry closed his eyes briefly, then reached out and lay a very hesitant hand on JD's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
JD sighed, wiping his eyes, wondering when he'd started crying. "Me too. He...he told me it was all my fault, because I was too tempting and I'd teased him too much..."
"It wasn't your fault, JD," Perry said, very softly.
"I know. I do. I just..." JD squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment. "I knew it then. I was a fucking kid, how could I be teasing him? But I still couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't...couldn't mess things up for Mom. And it stopped, and I...I just tried not to think about it."
"I know you know," Perry said. "But knowing and believing aren't the same thing, huh?" He squeezed JD's shoulder briefly then drew his hand away again, settling it on his thigh and sighing. "Listen, JD, I...I know it can't undo what he did to you. But for what it's worth...I understand why you turned me down, now. I do."
"I didn't want to," JD offered, softly, swiping at his eyes again, trying to get himself under control. This was so backwards...everything was backwards. He was supposed to be comforting Perry, Perry was supposed to be younger...But Perry had become Dr. Cox, and was finally able to offer the same level of comfort and concern JD'd shown him. "Fuck, you know that was just, like, an hour ago or something, for me. I'm even wearing the same fucking clothes..."
Perry grinned, a little. "I'm not," he offered. "I've changed a few thousand times since then." He sobered a little. "But...twenty years ago or not, it's still nice to know I wasn't being rejected outright. So...thanks."
"Sorry you had to wait twenty years to hear it," JD said softly, very hesitantly reaching out to squeeze Perry's hand. "You know...I've been wondering for weeks what I screwed up so badly to make you so unhappy..."
Perry sighed and shook his head. "It wasn't that," he said.
"Oh." JD nodded, closing his eyes, leaning his head back on the couch. "What...No, never mind. You don't have to tell me."
Perry was silent until JD finally opened his eyes again, and when he did, there was a small, sad smirk on the older man's face. "Thought you wanted to know?"
"Well...I do," JD admitted, flushing slightly. "But...you're not a kid anymore, are you? And, well...I know you knowing I was real changes things, but we haven't exactly been close here and I don't..." He bit his lip again, turning away. "I don't want to make things go back to the way they were by pushing too hard."
"You really don't know when to shut up, do you?" Perry said, but the smirk had grown a little, and some of the sadness had faded from his eyes. "JD, you idiot, I was unhappy because you never came back."
JD blinked, a small, shy smile spreading over his face. "Really?"
Perry shrugged. "Well...yeah," he said, as though it should've been obvious. "I mean...for eighteen years, you were really the only constant in my life. Well," he added, wrinkling his nose, "semi-constant, anyway. And I was mad at you, when you said no, and hurt, but...I didn't really think you'd just...vanish. And when..." he sighed. "When I finally decided I'd imagined the whole thing--that I'd been crazy all along--I felt like..." he shrugged, shooting a quick glance at JD then looking back down again. "Like my best friend had died. Only worse, because I thought you'd never existed in the first place."
"Oh. Well...I'm sorry I never came back," JD replied, soft warmth blossoming in his heart. "I really couldn't control it, and now that...that you know it was real, now, I don't think I could go back. But if I could've controlled it...I wouldn't have left. Or I would've gotten you out of there, the very first time."
Perry looked at him in silence for a long moment. "You did get me out of there," he said softly.
"I..." JD's eyes widened, and he smiled, very slightly. "Guess I kind of did, huh?"
"No 'kind of' involved, kid," Perry said. "You gave me something to work toward. Hell, you saved my life." He looked at JD, blinking hard. "I never thanked you for that, did I?" he said, voice almost a whisper.
"You were sixteen, it probably wasn't the first thing on your mind..." JD stopped, looking down, toying with a shoelace. "No. You didn't. But you're welcome. God...I was hoping time paradoxes couldn't exist during that whole thing..."
"Yeah, well...thank you," Perry said, very quietly. "I don't know where I would've ended up--assuming I survived at all--if you hadn't been there, so...thank you. Even if you didn't have any control over being there, you didn't have to handle it the way you did." He swallowed, looking away and reaching up to brush his eyes again.
"I couldn't have let you...have let you go through with it. The world needs you too much, Perry..."
Perry barked a laugh, and looked up at him, finally; his eyes were wet, but the smile on his face was genuine. "If anyone else said that to me," he replied, "I'd've told them they were full of it, but...you really believe it. You've been telling me all my life..." he drew a sharp breath and looked up, blinking. "You've been telling me all my life what an amazing doctor I would be," he said. "But if you hadn't told me...it never would've happened. So if the world needs me, then it needs you, too."
JD wiped his eyes again, smiling around his own tears. "Well obviously. I'm the man." He unfolded himself, sliding a little bit closer, though he didn't touch Perry. "God, I can't believe...Can't believe I can talk to you about this now..."
"I know," Perry said. "Talk about a dynamic shift, huh?" He bit his lip, then reached out to squeeze JD's shoulder again.
"Yeah...um," JD said. "Can I hug you? Please?"
Perry swallowed, but nodded. "Yeah," he said, lips twisting up again.
JD wrapped his arms around Perry, pulling him close, letting out a soft, shuddering sigh as he did so. And tried to imagine what the other man must be feeling. For him, it'd been an hour. For Perry, it'd been over twenty years.
Perry sighed, and after a moment relaxed, his arms coming up around JD. Then, suddenly, they tightened with a desperation that would've been alarming, if their situation hadn't been what it was. JD felt the warm moisture of Perry's breath on his neck, heard the slight shudder and realized with a small shock that the older doctor was fighting tears. "I missed you," Perry whispered. "Even...even when I tried to convince myself you weren't real...I still missed you."
JD held him closer, rubbing his back. "I'm here now. And I won't leave, this time. Not until you want me to..."
"JD?"
"Yeah?"
Perry drew a sharp breath. "I never hated you."
"I know, Perry," JD replied, tears stinging his own eyes again. "I know." He paused, for just a moment, before pressing closer. "I still love you."
Perry made a soft noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan, and said, "I love you too. And I meant...I meant even before...before I knew who you were. When you started working. I never hated you. In fact, I..." he stopped, suddenly. "Never mind," he whispered.
JD pulled back a little, freeing a hand to wipe his own tears away. "What? What were you going to say? And I know you didn't hate me, I was...well, I was freaking out a little and exaggerating."
"I think we were both freaking out, so no harm, no foul," Perry said, smiling. "I mean...not like we don't have an excuse, right? This isn't exactly the sort of thing that happens every day..."
JD nodded. "It's not. But you're avoiding the question. What were you going to say?"
"I...just...um." Perry drew away suddenly, looking embarrassed. "That...when you first started here, I...well. Liked you. A-a lot." He bit his lip, and when JD didn't answer right away, he flushed bright red. "I know I'm not exactly...well, I'm not eighteen anymore, so I don't blame you, if you're not interested. I mean, hell, you've been hinting around that you wanted me to be a father to you, so it's not like you can just suddenly...well, what I mean is, I understand if you--"
JD'd always found kissing someone to be an effective way to shut them the hell up. It worked just as well with Perry.
The older man moaned, hands going up to JD's shoulders, then sliding to his neck. When they broke apart a few seconds later, Perry blinked at him. "You...really?" he breathed.
"Fuck yeah," JD replied, grinning softly. "And you're not eighteen anymore, but now I'm sure you know what you want. Probably better'n I do, but I'm willing to take that chance, if you are."
Perry's kiss was answer enough.
* * *
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 20 Jun 2007 23:08 (UTC)"I didn't want to," JD offered, softly, swiping at his eyes again, trying to get himself under control. This was so backwards...everything was backwards. He was supposed to be comforting Perry, Perry was supposed to be younger...But Perry had become Dr. Cox, and was finally able to offer the same level of comfort and concern JD'd shown him. "Fuck, you know that was just, like, an hour ago or something, for me. I'm even wearing the same fucking clothes..."
Perry grinned, a little. "I'm not," he offered. "I've changed a few thousand times since then." He sobered a little. "But...twenty years ago or not, it's still nice to know I wasn't being rejected outright. So...thanks."
I hope you have more stories planned.
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Date: 20 Jun 2007 23:52 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 00:20 (UTC)YOU ARE MADE OF AWESOME!!!!!!
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!
However much I love Changeling, I have to say that this is by far my fav JD/Cox fic ever!
I'd love so read a little something...even a drabble, of how the explain the fact that they're suddenly together and madly in love, to everyone at SH....but thats probably just me. :-P
Nooo!
Date: 21 Jun 2007 00:37 (UTC)Well, technically, it is. I just don't want it to be.
But, yay! Kisses! Hugs! Whee! I'm happy now! And I was waiting and waiting and waiting since the last chapter... But, now I wish I could still be waiting because it's bad that it's over... :(
Oh, well. This is like, the awesome-est thing... EVER. This chapter has made me go through atleast five different emotions at once, I swear... But yeah. The point of this pointless ranting is I LOVED IT!!! <33
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 00:54 (UTC)I'M ALL FOR HAPPY ENDINGS 8D
thank you for the awesome fic *rereads*
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 01:14 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 01:21 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 01:37 (UTC)that was AMAZING. I cried. Multiple times. And the ending was beautifully done. I loved it! ^_^
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 02:18 (UTC)Oh, I adored this. I liked this as much as I liked Changeling. Oh mon dieu, you captured them both perfectly somehow, and I SO approve how you didn't have JD sleep with teenage!Perry, 'cause that would have been weird, but if you wanted to write a sex scene between the two of them, oh, RIGHT NOW, that would be cool too...!
Amazing work, as usual. Can't wait for your next piece, but for right now, congrats on this success!
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 02:42 (UTC):D
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 03:52 (UTC)I loved this madly.
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 04:26 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 04:33 (UTC)AND, holy god, I swear that you stole that whole fight from my life. ESSPECIALLY the 'if you say no now, you'll never get another chance' part. I said that almost verbatim. Aaaand, like Perry, completely didn't mean it at all. ~_~
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 05:56 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 09:04 (UTC)I loved how you wrote Dr. Cox's flipping out. It was so unusual, but you made it so amazing. Especially the scene before that, where the young Perry is telling JD he wants him. I was screaming! I mnean, a young 18 yr old Perry?? *Squeals* <--------- Coherent thought has gone away at this point.
I was going nuts when JD kept saying no! (Although I sorta understood why even before JD told about what happened to him.)
I'll say this one more time, I like this better than Changling. And all Cox/JD fans know what a big hit that was.
You guys are ledgendary. Please continue forever in your fanfic greatness... *Squeals again*
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 14:46 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jun 2007 15:09 (UTC)I love this story.
I am such a whore for angsty stories with happy endings and this just hits, like, every button I have.
You guys rock!
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 16:23 (UTC)I've been checking everyday to see if there was an update and I was so unbelieveably(sp?) happy when I saw that you had!
I'm so glad JD and Perry got together. I honestly can't say anything else, this was just too great. =D Will you be posting more stories soon?
Lucy xxx
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 18:59 (UTC)I'm going to read it now. Good night.(:
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Date: 21 Jun 2007 20:54 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2007 01:08 (UTC)I loved this story, from beginning to end ^^ Great job, you knocked another one right out of the ballpark!
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Date: 22 Jun 2007 04:57 (UTC)of the awesome
Date: 22 Jun 2007 16:33 (UTC)I mean... you... and they.... 'cuz we... I love you both? I have no words... again.
This story has taken up residence in that little part of my gut that is connected to my toes and makes them curl when something is really sweet. My feet are cramping from the toe-curlage.
This is a beautiful experience. Keep 'em coming!
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Date: 22 Jun 2007 21:13 (UTC)I didn't think this would be the last chapter and I'm so sad that this fic is finished because I loved it so much.):
I also thought you were going to do something a little different with it. I could think of a lot of ways you could have finished but the way you did was still really really good and I loved it.
Poor Perry, poor JD.): I loved how you did the part were he tells Perry about being raped. It was written very good.
I loved this story. Kudos to you. I can't wait to read your next story.
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Date: 24 Jun 2007 08:35 (UTC)Drawing it up to the final 'journey' was amazing, and the rejection was made even more poignant when JD's own past is revealed. The fact that you didn't hint around it gave it so much more impact, it was perfect.
Continue to amaze, prz!
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Date: 25 Jun 2007 03:53 (UTC)no subject
Date: 25 Jun 2007 07:15 (UTC)no subject
Date: 29 Jul 2007 04:42 (UTC)And I loved every word of it.
Wow.
Um.
<3
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Date: 5 Aug 2007 12:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 1 Sep 2007 03:52 (UTC)*loves*
*loves*
*LOVES*
What a wonderful story. What a fucking brilliant piece of work.
Jebus and croy, I swear, when JD told Perry he'd be a great Doctor for the first time---
Ah! Heartbreaking.
Ace read. Just. Brilliant.
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Date: 22 Sep 2007 02:31 (UTC)O M G
Date: 24 Sep 2007 15:38 (UTC)i just found this last night and finished it there.
i'm at a loss for words.
or something to that effect.
it is LITERALLY the best fic i've ever read. period.
and i'm NOT exaggerating.
You guys are so amazing that i may have to friend you.
yes, it has to be done.
O M G
Date: 25 Sep 2007 15:20 (UTC)Both JD and Dr.Cox were in character, and the way they acted around each other was awesome. And the whole plot was amazing. And you didnt drag it out.
I loved Dr.Cox's minor breakdown.
I would love to see a sequel. About how they act around each other, and how they act at the hospital. Things like that.
I still stand by my earlier statement. it IS the best fic ever ^_^
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Date: 18 Oct 2007 01:07 (UTC)Great job!
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Date: 27 Oct 2007 16:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 Jan 2008 01:11 (UTC)And we're so glad to know you liked it!
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Date: 24 Mar 2008 16:40 (UTC)That is so brilliant.
It's... like... roller coster. So many feelings, ups and downs and tear drops and laughter in my room during one hour.
This fic is just fucking wonderful and if somebody says anything different I will come to him and make his life to a hell...
I'm talking rubbish. And I used the f-word too many times. Lots of love and hugs from me to you.
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Date: 22 Apr 2008 03:40 (UTC)This is quite simply one of the best fanfics I've ever read in ANY fandom. You guys had me breathless from the very beginning, not only with the description of the young Perry but JD's panic over his possible insanity. I love the concept. It's one of the first truly original plotlines I've seen in ages. The shifting dynamic of JD and Cox's relationship both through the excursions in the past and the tension in the present were beautifully played. Still as poignent as the scenes in the past were, for me they were completely overshadowed by the subtler moments in the present, the way Cox kept getting glimpses of what was really going on from the small moment with the books from pediatrics to the reason he always called JD nicknames. Just about everything was perfect.
But the part that really did me in was Perry's breakdown at the very end. Specifically this part:
I spend the last twenty fucking years trying to convince myself that the wonderful, amazing, magical friend I had all through my childhood and nearly to my twenties wasn't real. Was some product of my deranged, abused subconscious. I spend thousands of dollars on therapy and medication and fucking self-help books, and get you explained away down to the way you dressed, the way you styled your fucking hair. I get you tucked away in a neat little box of logic, which I locked with common sense and buried under a mountain of psycho-babble, and now you're telling me it wasn't an illusion, I didn't spend the first half of my life in a catatonic hallucinogenic stupor. You're telling me you were real, you were really there--and you want me to calm the fuck down?!"
I just-- I have no words. Thank you thank you thank you for such a great story.
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Date: 24 Apr 2008 19:11 (UTC)thank you.
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Date: 29 May 2008 04:41 (UTC)no subject
Date: 18 Jun 2008 06:46 (UTC)i've been reading survivor (which i love) but since it's not finished, i needed to read more of your writing. i picked a very good fic to go with.
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Date: 17 Sep 2008 00:56 (UTC)no subject
Date: 10 Nov 2008 04:24 (UTC)You should really consider it- you're by far the best Scrubs Cox/JD author out here in internet land, and I haven't seen a story from you for a while.
It wouldn't even have to be incredibly long... (I can't believe I'm begging here, lol). Seriously. Please? Consider it?
no subject
Date: 5 Jul 2009 18:40 (UTC)Anyway I have just found this and it has blown me away, it really has.
This is just the most utterly heartbreaking, emotional, beautiful and stunning fic that I have read in so long in any of my fandoms.
Pretty sure this is one I'll be going back and re-reading a good few times.
Thanks for restoring my faith in fandom - in general.
♥
WOLFWARR
Date: 19 Jul 2009 03:47 (UTC)*Squeal*
Date: 29 Jul 2010 19:22 (UTC)I read this while listening to "Lullaby For a Stormy Night" and it fit perfectly what was going on through Perry's life.
I enjoy most of your guys' work. This was simply amazing <3 A true work of art.