Cancer: Chapter 2

[randomweaving]

Fic: Cancer
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: R
Chapter Rating: R for M/M sexual relations
Description: When Perry starts getting severe headaches, JD fears the worst... Written for the 2dozenowies challenge community.

Warnings: Very, very depressing. Seriously, folks--this one's heavy. No happy ending. Character death. Angst, drama, the works. Oh, and slash. Read with caution.

Chapter 2/3



They came for him a few hours later.

JD was shaken awake gently by a night-shift nurse who smiled at him sympathetically; he, in turn, had leaned over to wake Perry. "Hey," he whispered. "It's time."

Perry'd opened his eyes, taking in the sight of the orderlies around him, and nodded, though he circled JD's wrist with his hand for a moment when JD started to pull away. "Hey. See you in a few hours, right?"

JD leaned forward and hugged him; Perry returned the embrace tightly before releasing the younger doctor. "Of course," JD murmured.

Then he'd slid off the bed and walked alongside it as far as they'd let him go, watching the double-doors swing shut after his lover had disappeared through them before returning to fetch his laptop. At least he could get some more research done...

He was still looking, hours later, when Perry was returned to his room, sill out cold from the general anesthetic. He had a gauze bandage wound around his head, one that didn't quite obscure the fact that he on longer had any hair, but he was still the only thing JD wanted to see. He slid his chair closer to the bed, when the orderlies who'd wheeled him in had left, and taken his hand for a moment, kissing it gently. Then he'd returned his attention to his computer.

Perry was still asleep when Dr. Zeltzer came in a few hours later, and the look on his face made JD's heart sink. "It's bad, isn't it?" he murmured.

Zeltzer sighed, but nodded. "I'm afraid the biopsy results came back positive for GBM," the older oncologist said. "It's also... it was more differentiated than we'd originally thought, and the post-op CT slides showed there are inoperable cancerous regions extending further into the cortex than we estimated based on the preliminary MRI."

JD closed his eyes briefly, then stood, approaching the older man and taking the chart from his fingers. "What are our options, then?" he said, glancing through it, reading the reports.

"Dr. Dorian... you know as well as I do that treatment for this kind of tumor is palliative only," Zeltzer replied. "If Dr. Cox wishes it, of course, we will try all available measures--chemo, radiation, anything we have, but... it's a delay at best. We might buy him another two or three months if we're lucky."

JD shook his head sharply. "Those are just the conventional measures," he replied. "What about clinical trials, experimental cocktails...?"

Zeltzer looked at him, gaze full of pity. "Dr. Dorian, this is aggressive," he murmured. "It's spreading quickly, and there are only so many things we can do to slow it down. Those clinical trials are just that: trials. I don't think..."

"What's his prognosis, if we rely on conventional means only?" JD interrupted.

"Given the amount of the tumor we weren't able to resect, and it's current rate of growth..." Zeltzer hesitated, then said: "Ten months. Twelve if we're really lucky."

JD snapped the chart closed, trying to resist the urge to argue further. Zeltzer was good--weird and a little creepy, but good--but he was as traditional as they came, too. And traditional wasn't going to get them out of this. But even if Zeltzer wasn't going to actively help look for other treatments, JD didn't want to alienate him right off. He'd at least want his grudging agreement, after all, when he found something. "Thank you, Paul, I know you'll do the best you can," he said quietly, handing the chart back. "You'll understand if I keep looking?"

Zeltzer looked mildly surprised by the use of his first name, but the pity in his eyes didn't disappear. "The chances of finding anything..."

"Are incredibly low, I know," JD finished for him. "I'm still going to look."

"Well, I guess... do what you gotta do," the oncologist shrugged. "But try not to get your hopes too high, okay, Dr. Dorian? I know how much you care about him, but I don't want you to be tempted to blame yourself, if you can't find anything to save him."

"I'll blame myself more if I just sit here and watch him die," JD replied, his voice soft as he looked down at Perry. This couldn't be happening to them...but it was.

Zeltzer sighed, but nodded. "All right," he said. "If you find something, let me know, and I'll... we'll see if we can't give it a try."

JD couldn't stop the small smile that spread across his face. "Thank you. I'll definitely let you know."

Zeltzer nodded, and turned to leave the room. JD stood at the foot of the bed, staring at the chart, hoping something would come to him, but he knew if the chart had belonged to anyone but Perry, he'd've agreed with Zeltzer. These results... they simply weren't good. That was all there was to it.

He sighed, looking over at Perry, who was still sleeping. God, this wasn't fair.

* * *

JD threw himself into research, every spare moment he had. Even after Perry came home, a few days later, he spent hours on his laptop, when the other man was asleep, or just resting. He tried to keep it relatively quiet--Perry had enough to deal with, and JD didn't want to tell him what he was doing until he had a solid idea in mind. His own heart ached from the constant up and down of his emotions, as he followed promising leads only to have them end in disappointment. He wouldn't do that to Perry.

A few days after Perry came home, JD was lost in an article about someone who'd survived several years so far, trying not to let hope rise up in him again. He was so absorbed in what he was doing, he didn't hear Perry come into the room.

"Hey," Perry said softly, after watching JD from the doorway for a moment. He'd not seen a whole lot of the younger man the last few days. Granted, he'd been asleep for a lot of them, but still.

JD looked up, and smiled, trying to ignore how exhausted Perry looked. "Hey. Good nap?"

"Could've been better," Perry said, winking at JD. "But no complaints, I guess." He moved forward, tugging the chair next to JD out from the table and lowering himself into it. "What're you up to?"

JD shut the laptop, reaching over and taking one of Perry's hands in his. "Just some research stuff. Don't want to fall behind on anything while I'm on vacation," he added with a wink. It was hardly the vacation he would've picked, but still...spending time with Perry away from work wasn't all bad, even if the reason sucked ass. And he'd gotten the leave of absence he'd requested with no trouble.

"Ah." Perry gave him a half-smile. He cast about for something to say, wondering why he kept feeling as though JD were shutting him out. Don't be ridiculous. He's here, isn't he? He certainly doesn't have to be. "So... would you maybe want to come watch a movie or something?" It wasn't the most terribly exciting suggestion ever, he knew, but it was something they could do together that wouldn't wear him out in five minutes, at least.

JD hesitated, one hand on the laptop. He wanted to curl up with Perry, just hold him, make snarky comments about whatever they decided to watch. He really did. But there'd be time for that when he had this figured out. "I'm going to keep working for a bit, I think. I want to get this finished, so it won't be over my head. But I'll join you in a bit?"

For a moment, Perry had no response, surprise and a small prick of hurt washing through him. But he shook himself quickly, rolling his eyes at himself. Come on, Perry. It's not like he doesn't have better things to do than hold your hand every second of the day. Besides, he's probably scared, and this is how he's coping. Chill. He nodded, forcing a smile to his face. "Okay," he said, hoping JD didn't notice that his voice was a little higher than usual. "I'll get something started, and just... you know. When you get to a good stopping point."

JD nearly gave in at the sound of Perry's voice, but reminded himself he was doing this for the other man. It'd be worth it, when he got him for longer. "I'll be in soon," he promised, squeezing Perry's hand again. "And hey, this way you get to pick with no argument from me..."

Perry bit his lip against the urge to reply he hadn't intended to pay much attention to the movie and nodded, forcing a smile onto his face. "Fair enough," he said. "Though I should warn you, it won't be The Lion King."

"Too bad," JD replied, telling himself again not to give in. He wouldn't be doing anything concrete to help by cuddling on the couch, as much as he wanted to. And he knew if he took the laptop in with him, he'd end up watching the movie instead. "But I'll still come watch with you in a bit."

Perry nodded, taking that as his dismissal. He released JD's hand and turned away, wandering into the den and grabbing a DVD at random from the case. He popped it in and settled on the couch, not even noticing as it started. His mind was miles away.

Ten months. Maybe twelve. God... how was he supposed to deal with that? Knowing he had less than a year to do the things he wanted to do? To be with the people he loved? Jack. Jordan, who had become a very close friend when they'd finally realized the love they felt for one another wasn't sexual. Carla. Hell, even Gandhi and Barbie. All the people who'd managed to mean something to him despite his best efforts.

And JD. He closed his eyes, barely listening as the opening refrains of "Opening Night" from The Producers met his ears. He could never, not in a million years, have predicted how much the kid would mean to him. If someone had suggested it five years ago, he'd've laughed and prescribed them a good strong anti-psychotic. But now... he opened his eyes and glanced toward the kitchen, where JD sat frowning at his laptop computer, reading fervently. Now, the kid meant everything. And he knew, despite his occasional misgivings, that he'd come to mean quite a lot to JD, as well.

It shouldn't surprise him, that JD was avoiding this. God knew he'd do the same thing, if their positions were reversed, and Perry spared a brief moment to thank whatever gods of fate were listening that that wasn't the case. It was hard, especially as a doctor--and an oncologist in training at that--to have your significant other facing something you couldn't cure. Something that would, inevitably, tear them apart. But... Perry swallowed, turning away and staring blankly at the screen as Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick yammered back and forth to one another about producers and Broadway and accounting books.

If they only had a little bit of time... well, Perry simply wished JD would be more willing to accept that, so they could spend what they had left together.

JD smiled slightly, when he heard what Perry'd put on. God, he must be out of it, if he'd picked a musical... But he shook his head, reading further. This was...promising. Cautiously promising, but still. A guy who'd written a book, on what your oncologist wouldn't tell you...Feeling rather like he was joining with the enemy, JD switched to Amazon and ordered it, but arranged delivery for Turk's place, still wondering a little why he was hiding this. But again, it could be a bust...

Finally, he shut the laptop and headed into the other room, the movie half over. "You awake?" he asked softly, seeing Perry's eyes were closed. He shouldn't interrupt if his lover was sleeping, God knew he needed it...

"I only pay attention to this movie when Uma Thurman's on the screen," Perry replied without opening his eyes.

"You're going to make me think I dye my hair," JD replied, smiling slightly. "Room on that couch for me?"

"There is as long as you swear to never go blond," Perry said, opening his eyes and smiling as he slid over a little. "Get down here, laptop boy."

JD sank down beside him, pressing close and trying to resist the sudden urge to cry. This was so normal, just the two of them teasing each other, something that happened all the time...but if he couldn't find an answer, it'd be over all too soon. "Rather be on top of your lap, frankly," he answered, though, pushing away the worry and sorrow, for right now.

Perry lifted an eyebrow and tugged at JD's wrist. "Then what're you waiting for?" he murmured, grinning.

"An invitation?" JD smiled again, though his eyes were bright, and snuggled in close against Perry, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "Love you..."

"Love you too, and if you're waiting for an engraved invitation, I'm afraid it won't be done for a few more days, but what say we skip it and you get your ass over here?" Perry tugged his wrist again, grin widening.

JD giggled, and climbed into Perry's lap, straddling his hips. "Happy now?"

"Mm. Ecstatic," Perry agreed. He reached up and tugged JD down into a kiss. His body was beginning to stir, the warm weight of JD pressing down against him making him sigh with pleasure. "Been awhile, hasn't it?"

"It has...are you sure?" JD asked, not quite believing they were doing what he thought they were doing. But if Perry felt up to it...fuck, it'd been a long time, and he was all for it.

Perry growled, twisting and lowering himself down onto the sofa, dragging JD down on top of him. "Pretty sure," he replied, eyes fluttering closed at the solid feel of JD's weight atop him. He pulled his legs apart, letting one drop down to the ground and tucking the other up against the back of the couch. "We can't go swinging off the light fixtures or anything, but I'm sure as hell up for this." He pushed his hips up a little, pressing himself against JD's thigh, and moaning.

"Fuck..." JD swallowed hard and leaned down to kiss Perry, long and thorough, his tongue sliding against the other man's as his hips pressed downward, grinding softly. "So'm I..."

"Good," Perry whispered, grasping JD's hips and shifting beneath him until they were more perfectly aligned. He could feel JD's erection pressing against his, and he drew a sharp gasp. "Then... let's."

JD kissed him again, only reminding himself at the last moment not to reach up for Perry's hair. He pushed away the stab of worry and pain the memory sent through his heart, pressing his hips down instead, rubbing his cock against Perry's through the layers of fabric between them, moaning against the other man's mouth at the friction, the growing heat.

Perry moaned back, wrapping his arms around JD's waist, one hand slipping down to grip the younger man's ass, squeezing and pulling him tighter against himself. God. This wasn't going to last long, but Perry found he didn't want to stop even long enough to undress. It had, quite simply, been far too long.

JD's hips arched down hard when Perry's hand squeezed again, and he dropped from the kiss, panting, almost embarrassed by how quickly he was being worked up. "M'not...Should slow down, I'm not going to last..."

"Doesn't matter," Perry panted back. "Just... don't... stop."

"Not planning to," JD replied, one hand sliding beneath Perry, pulling his hips up as he ground down again. If Perry didn't care how fast he came, then neither did he.

Perry stopped talking, focusing instead on the intoxicating feel of JD above him, against him. He whimpered, hips rolling slowly, savoring the sensations in a way he never quite had before.

Nothing like a terminal illness to make you appreciate the little things. Or the not-so-little things, as it were.

He shoved the thought aside with a barely audible growl, focusing instead on the sensations gathering low in his belly and spine. "JD..." he breathed, "I'm going to..."

"Me too," JD managed, head falling to Perry's shoulder as his hips stutter-jerked against the other man. He tried not to think of how this could soon be denied them, only a vague memory. Tried not to think of how Perry would leave him, bit by bit...No. No, he wouldn't let it happen.

But even so, when his climax overtook him, moments later, it ended with tears he couldn't push away. He could only hope Perry was lost enough in his own pleasure that he'd miss them...

No such luck. Even as Perry's answering moans met his ears, even as their bodies slowed and finally came to a halt, JD's tears continued, and it wasn't long before Perry realized JD's trembling wasn't from his pleasure alone.

"JD?" he murmured, trying to push the younger man back far enough that he could see his face. "JD, are you...?"

"M'fine," JD mumbled, but he didn't look up, wouldn't let Perry lift his face. He tried to stop, to stem the tears, but he couldn't, they kept falling despite his best efforts.

"No, you're not," Perry said. "You're crying. JD, look at me."

JD shifted, thinking distantly he needed a change of underwear, and quickly, before glancing up briefly. "I'm sorry..."

Perry stared at him, shaking his head. "Why?" he asked, brushing at JD's tears with his thumbs. "Jesus, don't be. I'm actually a bit relieved."

"You...you are?" JD closed his eyes, leaning into Perry's gentle touch.

"Yeah," Perry replied. "You haven't broken down once, JD--not once, not that I've seen--since this whole mess started. I guess... I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's freaked out, you know?" he tried to keep his voice light, teasing, but he couldn't help the pain that crept into the words. JD had been distant, and much as Perry needed to believe it had simply been because he was afraid, it had been getting harder to do so, the longer they went without really talking.

"I'm freaked," JD assured him, making a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob. "Believe me...I was trying to be strong for you, so you'd know you could lean on me if you needed to...I'm sorry. Guess I should've done this sooner..."

Perry tugged him back down into his arms, holding him. "It's okay," he murmured. "God, JD, I appreciate what you're doing for me--you have no idea how much. But I don't expect you to be a superhero, you know? This is going to be ten times harder if we don't face it honestly."

JD pressed close, wanting more than anything else to fix this. What was the point of being a doctor, of specializing in the fucking thing that was killing Perry, if he couldn't save him? The one time it was someone he cared about, everyone was telling him to give up...Well fuck that. "Yeah...Well, I'm not a superhero." I'm not any kind of hero...

"Hey." Perry heard the pain in his voice, the disdain, and he tightened his grip, pressing a kiss to the top of JD's head. "I don't need you to be, okay? I just need you to be you." He grinned, closing his eyes as his tears slipped free. "My Newbie. Right?"

"I'm yours no matter what," JD replied, pressing closer. "Don't need to worry about that..." He let out a shuddering sigh. "I'm..." He trailed off, still not sure he should tell Perry what he'd been doing. Probably not...

Perry frowned. "You're what?"

"I'm..." No. No, he'd have to eventually, but not yet. "I'm scared," he finished at last. And it was true, if not what he'd planned to say.

Perry sighed, pulling him in closer still, squeezing him tight. "Yeah," he murmured. "Me too." God, what was there to say? What was there to talk about, when they were looking at a year, tops? Maybe more if they were really, really lucky? "But you'll be ok."

"No, I won't," JD replied softly, evenly.

Perry closed his eyes. So this is how this will be. "Yes, you will," he murmured. "Look, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but--"

"I won't," JD said again, just as evenly. "I mean...I'll keep living, and it'll get easier, and I'll probably eventually find peace with it, but...Fuck, Perry, what if it was me? Would you tell me you'd be okay, after I died? Don't you know I care just as much about you as you do about me?"

Shit. "You're... you're young, JD, it's different," he murmured, but he was floundering, and he knew it. JD was getting angry; even though his voice was calm, he was growing more and more tense by the second in Perry's arms.

"Twelve years doesn't make that much of a difference in this, you know," JD replied, trying to keep his voice even. "Yeah, you're older than me. All it means is that I'll probably have more time to miss you in."

"I..." Perry swallowed, pain rising within him; he pressed on, ignoring every common sense instinct that told him to shut the hell up. "Yeah, you'll miss me, JD. I know that. But you'll... look, your life won't end when mine does, okay? I know it'll hurt, I know it'll be hard, but you'll..." he trailed off, unable to finish, not really sure what he was trying to say. He did know, however, that he was saying it to comfort himself as much as he was saying it to comfort JD.

"You had better not be telling me I'll find someone else," JD told him, his voice icily calm.

Perry drew a deep breath. This is a mistake, isn't it? "I'm just telling you not to rule it out as an eventuality," he whispered.

JD took a deep breath of his own, letting it out again slowly. Well, at least he'd stopped crying, right? He pushed himself up, gently, and kissed Perry lightly. "We're not going to talk about this, because there's no way it's going to make either of us feel better. I'll go get you a washcloth." He left the room, before his tight hold on himself could break.

Perry raised himself up on his elbows, watching JD go, then sank back to the pillows with a groan, bringing his hands to his face. God, what a nightmare.

JD went to the bedroom, cleaning himself up and changing, before sinking down on their bed. It smelled like them...Perry's soap and aftershave, his own, combined...How long would it take it to fade?

He pushed the thought out of his mind, even as it brought more tears to his eyes. Was he fooling himself, looking things up? Just delaying the inevitable? He knew the five stages of grief, all that, and he had to admit he was at least partly in denial. But...He couldn't just give up. Could he? No. No, not if it meant everyone would be poised, waiting for him to find someone new, to just get over it. He could almost picture Carla's gentle matchmaking, everyone's concern... "No," he murmured, voice breaking. "No, I can't let that happen...It took me thirty years to find him, I don't want anyone else..."

All in all, the movie was long over before he returned.

Perry clearly hadn't seen any of it, though; he was curled on his side on the couch, arms crossed over his stomach, face tight with emotion. When JD walked in, he looked up, eyes wide, and JD was ashamed to see the tears standing on his cheeks.

"JD, I... I'm sorry," Perry said, sitting up quickly and scrubbing at his cheeks. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just... I needed to know... to know that you'd be okay, you know? I can't..." He shook his head, covering his face with his hands. "I couldn't handle it, if you weren't..."

"This sucks from every side, doesn't it?" JD asked softly, kneeling down in front of him. "I promise I'll try, Perry. I'll do the best I can, to be okay again...but I won't lie to you. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You're not going to be easy to get over."

JD fell silent, looking at the blank screen, damp washcloth in his hand, thinking if this had been a different day, before the cancer, he and Perry would've kept watching the movie, he would've sung along with "'Till Him" to tease him, and they would've kept fooling around and making love until they fell asleep on the couch together. But no, instead now he had to agree to find someone else to be with, after Perry died. Life sucks.

Perry smiled sadly, taking JD's free hand in his. "It's probably selfish of me to be glad to hear that, isn't it?" he murmured.

JD squeezed his fingers. "I don't want to have to let you go."

"Right back at you," Perry whispered, closing his eyes and lowering his head so his brow rested against JD's.

They stayed that way for a very long time.

* * *

Next Chapter

Comments

[scruby.livejournal.com]

This fanfic was fantastic. I don't know how you do this, but you can write so well.
You've no idea how much I cried reading this, that's right, I actually cried! Everytime you wrote more and more things that were so sad that made me shed tears over this. Perry loosing his hair, JD wants to toucht it when they make love but remembers he doesn't have hair, Perry asking JD to move on, giving Perry only 10 to 12 months to live and so on. But one of the most sad and amazings parts was when Perry said:

"I don't need you to be, okay? I just need you to be you. My Newbie. Right?"

Wow, just wow... I'd to stop for a bit then before keep on reading.

And the love making part! Oh, so amazing and sweet and sad.

[randomslasher.livejournal.com]

Awwwww... that was my line. :) Glad you liked it so much!! :D And glad you were able to read the chapter! Sometimes LJ is weird like that, and gives random errors for no reason. Just keep trying, though, and it'll usually let you in.

Thanks for reading!!

[sheamackenzie.livejournal.com]

::Whimpers::

[pavonine.livejournal.com]

This is interesting. You've posed a problem without officially stating it. JD can either search for something that would give him more time with Perry, no matter how low those chances are, or he can give in as everyone wants him to and spend what little time he has left with Perry.

One sign points to Rock, the other to Hard Place. I bet Floating Head Doctor would really come in handy here.