Amnesia: Chapter 4
16 December 2006 17:11![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randomweavingFic: Amnesia
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and m/m attraction
Summary: JD awakens from an accident to find his memory is gone. Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
2dozenowies hurt/comfort challenge community.
Warnings: None, save the rating.
Chapter 4/4
The dream started out like several he'd had. JD recognized parts of Sacred Heart from his stay, but now he was walking through it with purpose, recognizing people, treating patients...He heard medical jargon fall from his lips, saw himself performing procedures, actually saving lives...
And all through it, Perry was there. But not the Perry he'd come to know, who looked out for him. No, this Perry was different. JD found himself ducking away from him, confused, but every time he slipped through a door, there the older man was, always talking. Walking in the halls ("Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing...You know, when you talk?") in a long room, full of many many hospital beds--the ICU, something in his brain whispered ("....now you've got to wake up sweetheart! You're gonna be late for schoo--aw, you wet the bed...why can't I have a normal child without these problems...?").
JD ducked into the elevator, going down to the front desk, but there he was again, arms crossed ("Look, Reba--if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. D'you understand?")
Even running outside didn't help, he went through the doors, only to find they led straight back inside, and Perry was still there, grinning grimly. ("Hooookay, that was my mistake, here I engaged you and gave the impression that I actually care, which is just so wrong! God! ...you definitely need something. Maybe a backbone, or a pair of testicles, or at the very least a pillow that you could carry around and just cry your sad eyes out into...")
The words were still echoing in his ears when he woke, breathing hard.
Perry still lay half-beneath him, one arm clasped loosely around JD's shoulders. The smell of sweat and sex was heavy in the air around them and JD shivered slightly, wishing he'd turned the heat on. At least Turk always kept it on high, so he and Carla could sleep naked...not that she ever would. JD started to giggle at the thought, and then froze.
He remembered Turk. He remembered Carla. And...oh holy fuck, he remembered Dr. Cox.
Cautiously, as if it all might disappear again, he let himself think of Turk, first. And a cascade of memories nearly overwhelmed him, college, med school, their internships...All present and accounted for, and no wonder his Chocolate Bear had been so upset, God...
But JD couldn't dwell on it, nor on the sudden rush of purely medical knowledge that seemed determined to prove to him he really was a doctor, and had better start studying again before he fell behind. He pushed it firmly away, too, feeling a headache already starting behind his temples.
But over-riding all of it, the joy of knowing just who he was--girly, dorky, but at least himself again--was knowing his dream hadn't been an exaggeration. Dr. Cox had treated him like crap, from day one. And here he was, lying in the other man's arms, sweat and semen drying and sticking them together.
Oh my God. Perry Cox said he hoped I daydreamed about him. I tried to top him. We had sex. Good sex, too. Incredibly good sex...Focus, Dorian! Do you regret it?
Did he? It was an honest question. A good one, too. But...no. No, he didn't. He'd been right, the night before. He knew Perry wasn't the asshole he'd been pretending to be.
But there was suddenly a year and a half of hurt laid on top of that knowledge, and JD swallowed hard against it, trying to calm himself.
Finally, carefully, he slipped free of Perry's arms, soothing the older man with a soft caress when he half-woke. JD grabbed his cell phone and headed to the bathroom, wincing a little at the soreness of his ass. Once safely locked in and sitting on the floor, he paged Turk.
Chocolate Bear. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Call me? JD
There, that should get a fast response...
Sure enough, moments later, the phone in his hand buzzed. He flipped it open. "Turk?"
"JD! JD, shit, I got your page, you--you remember, don't you? You remember? You're back?" Turk's voice was high, almost breaking with excitement.
JD couldn't help grinning, feeling a bubble of pure happiness rising up in him, even considering everything else. "You know it."
"Quick--what are we going to name our robot?"
"Gizmo, and don't insult me, dude," JD replied, almost laughing. "Some of it's still a little hazy, but I've got most of it, I think. In one huge, headache inducing chunk," he added ruefully.
"You DO remember! JD, this is so awesome, I can't believe it--dude, you've gotta come home! Tomorrow! Shit, tonight if you want, we can grab a pizza from the gas station and get some beer and--"
"Uh, Turk? It's not that simple. I...did something you'll probably think was really stupid." JD winced, rubbing his temples again, before pulling himself up to search through Dr. Cox's--Perry's--Argh! Through the medicine cabinet for painkillers.
"What? Dude, are you okay? You sound a little stressed."
"Just a little. I, uh...Oh fuck. We had sex, after you left. Perry and me, I mean. And I don't regret it, dude, I really don't, but--"
"You what?!" Turk's voice did crack, now. "You have got to be--Jesus, that fucking bastard, I knew he was using you! JD, I'm coming over, I'm going to kick his fucking ass--!"
"Dude, would you calm down? It was my idea, I had to talk him into it...And I'm not sorry it happened, so just chill, okay?" JD groaned softly. "Look, I need to talk, yeah, but...I don't want to have to defend him, too. He didn't hurt me, he didn't do anything I didn't ask him to. Didn't do anything I didn't thoroughly enjoy, either," he added, half to himself.
"That's not the point, JD. Don't you see?" Turk's voice was a little calmer, but not much. "He was planning this from the start. He put on this whole nice-guy facade, he made you think he was your best buddy in the world, he made you want him--he seduced you, JD! Jesus, what the hell do you think? That he's in love with you or something?"
"He didn't fucking plan this, all right?" JD pinched the bridge of his nose, forgetting to keep his voice down. "Dude, it took me over a week to get him into bed, and I've been doing everything I could think of! I don't know if he's in love with me, Turk, but I know he cares. I'm sure of it. Even remembering everything about him. So I don't need you to come and defend my honor...I could handle that myself, if I thought I did." This wasn't how he'd planned to talk things out, but JD realized he was figuring out how he felt just as quickly as if Turk had been understanding. "Can you just admit maybe he's not always the asshole he acts like at work? Though it's no wonder he does, if this is the reaction he gets from people when he tries to be a decent guy..."
"Okay, fine," Turk said. "You're a grown up, you can decide who you sleep with. But answer me this, JD: Are you in love with him?"
"I..." JD hesitated, surprised by the answer. He hadn't thought he was, but... "Yeah. Yeah, I am."
Turk sighed. "Look, dude... I really hope you're right about him. I do. But... shit, man, this is Dr. Cox. You remember him now, so there's no excuse. Treats you like shit, tortures you constantly...ring any bells?"
"Some really loud ones," JD agreed, sighing. "Yeah, I know. You can see why I'm stressed?"
Another sigh. "Yeah. Look, dude... what are you going to do? You can't keep pretending you don't remember him, he'll figure it out eventually."
"I'll tell him the truth," JD replied slowly. "I mean...I have to. Guess it'll be up to him, then. If he turns into an ass again...well, it'll hurt, but that'll be my answer, right? But I don't think he will. I really don't. So I guess...we'll just have to work it out. If I mean something to him, too...But hell. Forget all that for a second. I remember you, dude! I was getting really afraid I wasn't going to..."
Turk laughed. "Yeah, dude... you and me both. All right... look, it's about three in the morning and I have a shift in a few hours, but I'll see if I can get The Todd to switch with me. We SO need to talk. And not on the phone."
"We do. Call me when you know. I should...I should get some sleep. I feel like I got hit by a truck..." JD winced, but giggled. "'Course, I did, huh? Anyway. Go kiss Carla for me, CB. Talk to you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow, buddy."
JD hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his head back against the wall.
After a long moment, he pushed himself up again, finishing cleaning off. He looked in the mirror, smiling a little to see his hair lying flat across his forehead, remembering his surprise at the hair wax. "Have to tell Carla about that..."
He shook his head, splashing water over his face, before sighing again. Memories were still trying to crowd each other, though there was a blank spot leading up to the accident...He remembered Dan's visit, but nothing after, and he knew there'd been nearly two weeks between. "Probably gone for good. Oh well. And you're stalling, JD," he added, frowning at his own reflection. "Now go back to bed."
Following his own instruction was more difficult, but he did it, dropping his phone on the bedside table. He looked down at Perry in the half-light, sighing softly. Yeah. I love you. Dammit...
With a bit of gentle tugging, he got the covers down and slid under them, pulling them up around Perry as well. But he couldn't quite bring himself to curl close, even though a part of him ached for it.
It was a long, long time before he slept again.
* * *
JD was awake when Perry finally opened his eyes.
The younger man was no longer lying on top of him, but had at some point rolled to one side of the bed. He lay now, eyes open, staring at the ceiling; Perry watched him for a moment before murmuring softly, "Hey."
JD looked over at him, and smiled slightly. "Morning. How'd you sleep?"
Perry chuckled, groaning as he stretched. "Better than I have in about ten years," he admitted, grinning. "You?"
JD's smile turned wry, and he shook his head. "Like I lived ten years at once."
The grin slipped from Perry's face in an instant. "W-what?" he stammered, eyes widening. "You... JD, do you...?"
"Remember?" JD nodded. "Yeah. I do. Had a hell of a dream last night, and woke up with it all in my head..."
Perry stared at him, jaw hanging open, trying to think of something to say. "You remember," he breathed. Shit. NOW what? JD didn't look horrified at what they'd done, but... he didn't exactly look happy, either.
JD almost smiled at the look on Perry's face, turning on his side to face the other man. "Yeah, that's what I just said. You okay?"
"I... um." Perry shook his head sharply. "I guess that kind of depends on you, doesn't it?"
JD sighed. "I'm not sure how I am, yet...I mean, I'm glad I remember Turk and Carla and med school and everything...But I've got to admit things would probably be easier between us if I was still clueless. I don't regret it. I swear, I don't. But..." He shrugged helplessly. "I do feel a little weird now. Do you?"
Perry closed his eyes briefly. Damn. "I..." He didn't... or he hadn't, not until JD said that, but then again, he'd known who they both were the whole time. And wanting to get JD into bed, well... that wasn't something he'd decided with only half his memory intact. "I guess, a little," he finally said. "Like going to bed drunk and realizing the waitress you brought home wasn't as hot as you thought she was, huh?"
JD winced, unable to hide the flash of hurt across his face. "Um..."
Perry, however, mistook it for regret. He sighed. "Yeah, well, nothing to be done about it now, I guess," he said softly. He sat up in bed and swung his legs over the side, back to JD, and bent to retrieve his fallen boxers. "Other than keep it to ourselves. I mean, not like anyone knows..." Damn! You knew this was going to happen, Perry--you knew that as soon as he remembered you he'd regret this, and he can say what he wants but it's pretty obvious he does.
"You...you want to pretend it didn't happen?" JD asked, his throat closing on him. Fuck, maybe he had been wrong...Maybe he should've faked it. Though why Perry would want him damaged, and not now, he couldn't understand. "I thought..."
Perry lowered his head, silent for a moment, then stood, tugging on his boxers without turning to look at JD. "You got a better idea?" he murmured, feeling defeated.
JD sighed. What had he expected? That Perry would want to be his boyfriend? God, he was pathetic. "I guess not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressured you into this...I know you didn't want to, and I shouldn't have...shouldn't have kept insisting, when you'd end up with regrets."
Perry closed his eyes, but shook his head. "No, I... I'm the one who should've been thinking clearly," he murmured. "I could at least remember enough to know that... that something like this would happen." He shook his head again, running his fingers through his hair, and glancing back at JD. "Look, I... I'm sorry," he said. "I need to go get dressed and get to work, and I assume you'll want to start packing. Just..." he looked away, quickly, when he felt his eyes beginning to sting. Damn it, Perry, pull it together... "Just lock the door, when you leave," he finished quickly, then left the room, pulling the door shut gently behind him as he went.
He made it to his room before he collapsed. He lowered himself down onto the edge of the bed, face in his hands, and tried to just breathe.
Shit. This is so messed up...
But he'd known it would happen, hadn't he? Known the amnesia wouldn't last forever--and God, he couldn't really want that anyway. JD needed to remember his life, needed to remember who he was and what he loved doing--needed to be a doctor. But... but some selfish part of him had wanted to hold onto this new JD, this JD who didn't realize he was living with the guy who'd made his life a living hell for the last year and a half. This JD who represented the infamously unattainable Second Chance.
"Dream on, Per," he muttered, shaking his head and scrubbing at his eyes. He drew a breath and released it in a slow sigh, letting his accustomed misery, which he hadn't even been fully aware of discarding, slip back around him, settling in place over his heart, keeping out the pain--but keeping everything (and everyone) else out, too.
He stood, and, slowly, began to dress. He didn't have to work today, and JD might very well know it, but he'd be damned if he'd stand by and watch as JD, like everyone else who'd ever made him happy inevitably did, packed up his things and walked out of his life for good.
* * *
JD watched him go, biting his lip hard. "But you have the day off..." he murmured to the closed door. He'd hoped they could spend it in bed together, before...before. Shit. Why had he thought this would be different? Why had he thought....crap. He sighed, pushing back tears that tried to fall, sniffling as he got up, making the bed, tossing the condom wrapper into the trashcan.
He was still sniffling when he heard the front door close, some time later, and he sank to the bed, burying his face in his hands. How had things gone so wrong so fast?
Well, Perry had given him his marching orders. He sighed, packing his things, pausing over one of the journals. He tore a page from the back of it, grabbing a pen and writing out a note, trying to keep any tears from falling on it. He almost succeeded, and wiped away the one that did. He wrote for a long time, though the note itself ended up fairly short. After a few moments deliberation, he snuck into Perry's room, and laid it on his pillow.
Finally, packed and ready, he called Turk, waiting in the living room for his friend to come pick him up, trying to compose himself. He only partially succeeded.
* * *
Perry wandered around the city aimlessly, not even bothering with the Porsche. He wandered through the park, sitting on the bench and staring at nothing until the cold started to get to him, then walking some more. He tried not to think, but he was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.
What would they do now? Could they go back to the way things were? Perry knew it was probably for the best but... God, that would all but kill him. He'd gotten so used to being real around JD that being anything else would be painful. He wouldn't be able to do it.
But where did that leave him? They couldn't avoid working together; even if JD switched off his service, they'd run into each other on occasion. Then what? Smile politely, nod, and go about his business? Jesus, that'd be harder than treating him like he used to, nearly--at least then, even if he was being a complete ass about it, he'd been looking out for JD, trying, in his strange way, to be the mentor JD'd always wanted him to be. Even if JD didn't see it.
But that was just the problem. JD didn't see it. He never had. And every rant, every insult, every name had gone down on some mental list (or hell, who knew, maybe in that journal of his), and JD couldn't let them go; couldn't realize that all Perry had been trying to do was take care of him. Help him. Teach him. Maybe, in a weird way, love him, too.
He sighed, kicking aimlessly at a rock on the path in front of him. Yes, he loved JD. More than he would have ever imagined possible. That wouldn't simply vanish, no matter what, but... Perry could hide it all the same, if he had to. If it was what was best for JD, then he'd do it in a heartbeat.
Even if it did kill him.
It was dark by the time he returned to his apartment, trudging slowly up the stairs, hoping against hope that maybe, somehow, JD would still be there--and simultaneously praying he wouldn't be.
He needn't have worried. The apartment, when he turned the key and pushed open the door, was dark, cold. Empty. He sighed, shoving the door closed with his foot and shrugging out of his jacket. He slung it over the back of the chair and wandered into the den. The glasses and empty wine bottles were gone, no doubt cleaned up by JD himself before he'd left. Evidence erased.
Perry swallowed, the headed toward the liquor cabinet, grabbing a glass and pouring himself some scotch. He the slumped back onto the couch, trying not to think about the fact that less than 24 hours ago, he'd been sitting here with JD, and flipped on the television.
He fell asleep that way three hours later, empty scotch glass falling from his hand to roll under the couch, while on the screen, images continued to flicker unseen.
* * *
Shit. Why couldn't I have done this over the phone? JD had called the hospital, letting them know he was in more or less full possession of his memories. Only to be ordered in to take a few impromptu tests, and figure out a return schedule.
So he'd had Carla drop him off on her way to run a few errands, extracting a promise from her to return as soon as she was done. JD had been grateful, at least, that the tests hadn't been with Perry...But it was small consolation to his aching head. He hadn't done as badly as he'd feared, but he still had studying to do, before he'd be allowed back fulltime. Not that he minded, he'd been going to suggest it himself. But now all he wanted was to get home as soon as possible, without getting stopped by too many people.
That was a hopeless wish, everyone he saw wanted to talk.
He'd finally pulled himself out of inane conversation with Doug, and was turning to go, when he saw Perry, heading toward him, head buried in a chart. Fuck, what do I do? I told him I'd give him time...
But Perry barely glanced at him, simply nodding a little and saying, rather breezily, "Hey, Cynthia," before continuing on his way.
Cynthia? "Oh, fuck, no..." JD clenched his jaw, staring after Perry for a moment, before turning and pushing off the wall, storming out of the place, gritting out a "Not now," when he saw the Todd coming toward him.
He walked home, not bothering to call Carla and see if she was finished. Halfway there he broke into a jog, anger fueling his steps, though the pain in his ribs as his breathing deepened into pants eventually forced him to stop. Still, by the time he got home, he'd decided he didn't care if he'd told Perry he needed time, and he'd give him the same. Didn't care if he'd said he didn't want to know if the Perry'd he'd seen hadn't been real.
Because part of him was still convinced it was, and there was no way in hell he was letting Perry pull this crap. Not without a fight.
* * *
Perry's head was aching by the time he returned to his apartment. He'd had catch up paperwork to handle all day--he'd taken a lot of his vacation days the past month, to stay with... well. It had left him with quite a bit to do, when he'd returned, and there was little that Perry hated more than paperwork.
He tossed his keys onto the kitchen table, flipping disinterestedly through his mail. Cable bills, mostly; catalogues that Jordan had signed up for, and he'd never gotten around to canceling. Nothing of interest. He tossed it onto the table with his keys and wandered toward the den, stopping by the liquor cabinet to grab a bottle of scotch and thunk it down on the coffee table along with a glass.
He sank down onto the couch and reached for the remote, but he had only just flipped the TV on when the key in the door suddenly rattled. He frowned, and spun around, then felt his heart sink when JD stormed through the door, looking intent on murder.
* * *
Grateful he hadn't left behind the key Perry'd made him, JD took the stairs up to his apartment two at a time, not bothering to knock as he let himself in. He pushed the door open, and felt himself scowl to be confronted by Perry half-sprawled on the couch, the Scotch already out before him...
"What the fuck kind of game do you think you're playing?" JD snarled bluntly, crossing his arms and staring at the older man, anger now a tight knot in his stomach.
Perry raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?" he said, voice low and deadly.
"You heard me," JD replied, voice steady, no hint of fear or hesitation in his manner.
"Oh, I heard you," Perry agreed. "I heard you barge uninvited into my apartment and start yelling at me. I was just hoping I'd heard wrong." He clenched his jaw, getting to his feet and brushing his nose with his thumb before folding his arms across his chest. "What do you want, Newbie?"
If JD'd been less angry, he would've smiled, recognizing the gesture. "Look, I know I told you not to bother telling me if I'd been wrong about you, but I still think I deserve a little more than just going back to random girl's names and being ignored. I want to have this out, and if we have to do it like this, fine. But I'm not going to just let you pretend you have somewhere to go again, and get out of it."
Perry frowned. "Deserve more than girl's names?" he repeated, focusing on the part of JD's argument he'd been able to follow. "Fuck, Newbie, you're the one who said you felt all 'weird' about this." His lip curled into a sneer on the word 'weird,' voice going a little higher, mocking the younger man. "As I recall, I was the one who tried to get you to stop, but ooooh, no--can't listen to old Perry, can we? He's good for a quick fuck or two but not for advice. Shouldn't surprise me, I guess--it's not like you ever take my advice, even when I do spoon-feed it to you."
"I told you I didn't regret it, and I don't. Or at least I didn't, before..." JD sighed. "But yeah, it was a little strange. Forgive me for needing a couple hours to sort things out in my head. Guess I shouldn't have bothered, since you're set to go back to being an asstard again...And I can't believe you'd even try to say I don't take your advice. Where have you been for the last year and a half?"
"Listening to you whine and complain and daydream and basically make a general nuisance of yourself," Perry retorted. "And sure, you take my advice eventually, once you realize that yes, Dr. Cox was right again, but you usually insist on putting everyone through the John Dorian Angst show first." Some distant part of Perry's heart was crumbling a little bit with each word, begging him to stop, but he was too angry to listen to it. "I mean for fuck's sake, Newbie. What the hell did you want from me, anyway? A cookie? A hug? A surrogate father? Because you've made it damned clear you didn't want me. I tried giving you that and it bit me in the ass pretty damned quickly, so no, forgive me if I'm not real keen on jumping right into being 'just friends' the way you girls always seem to want, and don't you even dare try giving me that 'it's not you, it's me' speech, because I've heard it one too many times, and trust me, Jacinda: It's bullshit. So answer my fucking question then get the hell out of here. What do you want?"
JD's face hardened, remembering the note he'd labored over. Don't know why I bothered... "I already told you. And I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I? So fuck you, Perry Cox, and fine, I'll go." He dropped the key still in his hand on the coffee table and spun around, slamming the door behind him.
Perry snarled, hands flying to his hair, eyes and jaw clenched. Fuck, he was such an idiot. To think that things could change--that he could change, that JD could believe it if he did... why the hell should he? No one else had.
The first time he'd ever had a reason to want to, and he'd gotten it thrown back in his face. Well, no more. He lowered his hands, storming toward his bedroom. He'd... fuck, he didn't know. He'd call Kelso, tell him he was putting in for a transfer, he'd get the hell out of here, because he sure as hell couldn't go to that place every day, not when the last thing that had almost made it worthwhile had been snatched from him. He couldn't do it--he simply couldn't.
He flung open the bedroom door and grabbed a duffel bag, tossing it onto the bed, not sure exactly where he was planning to go, but needing to get out. Fast.
It was then, however, that he noticed the sheet of paper sitting on his pillow. He frowned, pausing long enough to reach out and snatch it up, wondering how on earth it had gotten there--then gasped, nearly dropping it when he recognized JD's handwriting.
The ink was a little smudged, the writing a hasty scrawl, with more words scribbled out than actually remained. It covered the front and back of what could only be a sheet out of one of JD's journals--too small to be regular notebook paper, and too thick, too. There were a few smudged places where the ink was more blurred than usual, and where the paper had gone a little wavy--tear stains. Jesus...
Perry,
I'm leaving, since you asked me to. I don't want to, not really, but I don't want to make things more awkward than they are, so I will.
I don't regret it. I swear I don't. I'm hurting a little now, but...I'm still glad we shared that, even if it wasn't all I thought it was. I am sorry I put you in a position that really didn't have a good outcome...but I hope eventually you can forgive me.
I don't know if things will go back to "normal" when I get back to work, but I hope not. I'd like to think I got to know the real Perry Cox. If I didn't...don't tell me? I guess I'll know from how you act when I'm back, anyway.
If I did...well. It's girly as hell, but I was definitely falling for him. Hard. And knowing he can be a jerk doesn't change that.
I need a little time, to adjust everything in my head. I'd guess you do, too. But I still want you. I don't think I'll be back right away, anyway, but call me, if you want to grab dinner, or something. We should talk this out, not just freak out at each other.
And no matter what, thanks for the best sex I've ever had.
JD
"Jesus," Perry's fingers were shaking harder, vision blurring a little, by the time he reached the end. Falling for him? Was he serious?
Oh sweet lord... what have I done?
Suddenly, everything from earlier made sense--JD's anger, his last words: "I already told you, and I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I?"
Perry dropped the bag and spun on his heels, sprinting down the hallway and out the door. He took the stairs two at a time and barreled into the door, out onto the street, looking around frantically. Oh, please, let him not have left yet, please...
Yes! JD's car was still there, parked a little ways down the street; Perry could see the dark silhouette that told him JD was sitting in it, though why he hadn't left yet, Perry didn't know. He dashed forward, coming up alongside the car in minutes, heart catching in his throat when he realized JD was clutching the steering wheel, eyes clenched shut, tears slipping down his cheeks. He hadn't seen Perry approaching; Perry tapped on the window to get his attention. "JD!"
JD started and looked up, half expecting to see a police officer or something. But his face hardened again, when he saw Perry. He reached over and locked the door, wishing he felt steady enough to just drive away.
Perry's eyes widened, and he shook his head, hand pressed against the glass. "JD, please--please, let me talk to you!"
"So you can yell at me more?" JD muttered, and shook his head, trying to push away sobs that would only aggravate his aching ribs. He was such an idiot...
And knew himself to be more of one, when he raised his head a moment later and unlocked the door again, rolling down the window. "What?" he asked dully.
"JD, I... Look, I'm sorry," Perry started, leaning over. "Can--can you get out of the car? I feel like I should be taking your order, here..."
"Fine..." JD heaved a sigh and rolled the window up again, opening the door and getting out. He leaned against the car, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. He didn't bother to wipe away the remains of his tears. "Why're you sorry? Did you want to make me cry harder or something?" It was low, and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself.
Perry winced, but he knew he deserved it. "No," he said, shoulders slumping a little. "No, JD, I--look... I found your note."
"I'd kind of figured that..."
"No--I mean just now, you idiot," Perry snapped, then closed his eyes, frustrated at himself. Good, Perry, way to win the kid back over... "I didn't... I didn't know... why didn't you say something yesterday morning? That you felt this way?" he waved the note in the air, barely refraining from pacing outright. "Why didn't you tell me?"
JD blinked at him, having to once again rapidly rebuild things inside his head. He was getting tired of all the construction in his skull... "When did I have a chance? You went right from comparing me to an ugly waitress, to saying we should hide it from everyone we know, to running off and pretending you had to go to work! That's why I wrote the goddamn note." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Where'd you sleep last night, anyway?"
"I--my couch," Perry admitted, then frowned. "I never compared you to an ugly waitress."
"You told me it was like waking up after a night out drunk, to find out the girl you picked up wasn't nearly as hot as you'd thought. Sounds like a comparison to me. Why? What would you call that?"
Perry felt his mouth drop open, and for a moment all he could do was stare. Then, incredibly, he began to laugh.
JD sighed, looking up at the sky and shaking his head. "Why am I even talking to you?"
"No!" Perry shook his head, wiping helplessly at his eyes. "JD, I... I meant me," he said. "When I said that--God...I figured that was how you felt." He grinned. "After all, I knew perfectly well who I was going home with. You were the one who woke up to a bit of a shock."
"You...? Oh..." JD felt himself blush, and ducked his head a little. "Well...that makes more sense, doesn't it?"
Perry's grin softened to a smile; he turned and leaned against the car next to JD. "We're a bit of an awkward picture here, aren't we?" he murmured.
JD laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I think so. So...today at the hospital, you were just doing what...what you thought you had to, I guess, huh?"
Perry nodded, looking down at the pavement. "Yeah," he said. "Actually, I was doing what I thought you wanted."
JD nudged his shoulder against Perry's. "I want you to keep acting like you have been. Want to still be with you...It was just a shock, you know? I...well. I remembered everything in a nightmare, and I couldn't get back to sleep after. I hated that I felt all awkward, though..."
Perry flinched. "Remembering me was a nightmare, huh?" he said, trying to keep his voice light but failing. "Yeah, I guess it would be. I haven't exactly been the nicest of people to you." He glanced sideways at JD. "I'm sorry, kid," he offered quietly. "I guess... well, it's kind of how I treat all the interns, and once I got going I didn't know how to stop. You know?"
"The remembering you part wasn't the nightmare, it was just...a really bad dream," JD replied softly, shivering a little. "But...thank you. I do know what you mean, but it still means a lot to hear you're sorry. You're not...not going to go back to it, are you? Now, I mean?"
Perry sighed softly. "No, I'm not," he said. "I'm..." he grimaced a little. "JD, this--this isn't going to be that easy, you know. I mean, you saw how people reacted, when I was... well, when I wasn't putting on my Perry the Jackass show. They thought I was up to something. They're going to keep thinking it, too; they're going to think that I'm... hell, that I'm just toying with you, to get in your pants, that one day the other shoe is going to drop. They're going to give us both hell about it. You sure it's worth putting up with all that?"
JD didn't answer for a moment, thinking of Turk's protests, Carla's, Elliot's doubts...and then remembered the moments he'd spent curled in Perry's arms, feeling the older man holding him... "Yeah. I'm sure you are. I never do things the easy way, anyway..."
Perry looked away again, but he was smiling; shyly, he slipped one hand out of his pocket and slid it through JD's arm, linking their elbows. "Yeah," he murmured. "Me neither." They stood in silence for a few long moments, then Perry said, "JD?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you... I mean... do you want to go back upstairs?" He colored slightly, then hurried on: "I mean, not to do anything, necessarily--not that we can't, but that's not why I'm asking--it just seems like there... like we might be more comfortable, I don't know, having this conversation inside instead of out here in the dark..."
JD laughed softly. "Who could refuse an invitation like that? Yeah, let's go back in. And I can think of several things I'd like to do..."
Perry grinned at him, pushing himself away from the car but keeping his arm linked with JD's. "Oh? Care to share any of those ideas, Dr. Dorian?"
JD used his free hand to lock the car door, before following Perry upstairs. "Mmm...they're all variations on a theme..." Inside him, the hard knot that'd formed when his memories returned began to loosen.
Perry chuckled, unlocking the apartment and leading JD inside, engaging in easy banter with the younger man. His heart was lighter than it had been in a long time, even lighter than it had been the night he and JD had... well.
It's really him now, a small, shy, deliriously happy voice within him whispered. It's really him, he really knows you, he really still wants this.
Yes, he did. They still had things to work out, true, but Perry knew they'd do it. They'd get there, now that they'd stopped getting in their own way.
* * *
Later, much later, after a few hours of talking around a bachelor-style dinner of cold pizza and leftover Chinese with orange soda, they were once more curled together in bed, sweaty and sticky but perfectly content. Perry lay on his back, JD beside him, arm draped over the older man's chest; Perry had tucked his own arm about JD's back, and his fingers were playing lightly through his hair.
"So what are the chances of you sticking with this look?" Perry asked suddenly, tugging at the strands of JD's hair that still lay unspiked across his forehead.
JD made a face. "You like it this way?" he asked, incredulous. "It's... flat."
Perry grinned. "Yeah," he agreed. "And I can do this"--he drew his fingers through JD's hair slowly; JD snuggled a little closer, all but purring--"and have a hope of getting my hand back afterwards," Perry finished, returning to simply toying with the strands of dark hair.
JD sighed. "Turk won't like it," he said. "He likes the spiked look."
Perry's hand faltered at the mention of Turk; after a moment, he said, "Well, you may want to listen to him, then; he is your best friend," in a voice that was far too carefully light to honestly be casual.
JD hid a smile. "Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend," he replied. "And not the one I want touching it."
Perry drew back to look JD in the face. "Boyfriend, huh?" he murmured. "You're really sure this is what you want?"
JD grinned, drawing himself up to lean over Perry again and kiss him, gently but thoroughly. "If you're sure you'll have me," he said softly.
Perry made a show of pretending to consider it; JD punched him lightly on the arm. "All right, all right," Perry relented with a laugh. "But under one condition, Newbie."
"What's that?"
"Never call me your 'boyfriend' in public. It's waaaay too Sweet Valley High, you know?"
JD rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say," he agreed. "Long as I can keep doing this."
He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Perry's, tongue darting out to trace his lower lip. Perry closed his eyes and reciprocated.
JD took that as a yes.
* * *
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and m/m attraction
Summary: JD awakens from an accident to find his memory is gone. Written for the
2dozenowies hurt/comfort challenge community.Warnings: None, save the rating.
Chapter 4/4
The dream started out like several he'd had. JD recognized parts of Sacred Heart from his stay, but now he was walking through it with purpose, recognizing people, treating patients...He heard medical jargon fall from his lips, saw himself performing procedures, actually saving lives...
And all through it, Perry was there. But not the Perry he'd come to know, who looked out for him. No, this Perry was different. JD found himself ducking away from him, confused, but every time he slipped through a door, there the older man was, always talking. Walking in the halls ("Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing...You know, when you talk?") in a long room, full of many many hospital beds--the ICU, something in his brain whispered ("....now you've got to wake up sweetheart! You're gonna be late for schoo--aw, you wet the bed...why can't I have a normal child without these problems...?").
JD ducked into the elevator, going down to the front desk, but there he was again, arms crossed ("Look, Reba--if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. D'you understand?")
Even running outside didn't help, he went through the doors, only to find they led straight back inside, and Perry was still there, grinning grimly. ("Hooookay, that was my mistake, here I engaged you and gave the impression that I actually care, which is just so wrong! God! ...you definitely need something. Maybe a backbone, or a pair of testicles, or at the very least a pillow that you could carry around and just cry your sad eyes out into...")
The words were still echoing in his ears when he woke, breathing hard.
Perry still lay half-beneath him, one arm clasped loosely around JD's shoulders. The smell of sweat and sex was heavy in the air around them and JD shivered slightly, wishing he'd turned the heat on. At least Turk always kept it on high, so he and Carla could sleep naked...not that she ever would. JD started to giggle at the thought, and then froze.
He remembered Turk. He remembered Carla. And...oh holy fuck, he remembered Dr. Cox.
Cautiously, as if it all might disappear again, he let himself think of Turk, first. And a cascade of memories nearly overwhelmed him, college, med school, their internships...All present and accounted for, and no wonder his Chocolate Bear had been so upset, God...
But JD couldn't dwell on it, nor on the sudden rush of purely medical knowledge that seemed determined to prove to him he really was a doctor, and had better start studying again before he fell behind. He pushed it firmly away, too, feeling a headache already starting behind his temples.
But over-riding all of it, the joy of knowing just who he was--girly, dorky, but at least himself again--was knowing his dream hadn't been an exaggeration. Dr. Cox had treated him like crap, from day one. And here he was, lying in the other man's arms, sweat and semen drying and sticking them together.
Oh my God. Perry Cox said he hoped I daydreamed about him. I tried to top him. We had sex. Good sex, too. Incredibly good sex...Focus, Dorian! Do you regret it?
Did he? It was an honest question. A good one, too. But...no. No, he didn't. He'd been right, the night before. He knew Perry wasn't the asshole he'd been pretending to be.
But there was suddenly a year and a half of hurt laid on top of that knowledge, and JD swallowed hard against it, trying to calm himself.
Finally, carefully, he slipped free of Perry's arms, soothing the older man with a soft caress when he half-woke. JD grabbed his cell phone and headed to the bathroom, wincing a little at the soreness of his ass. Once safely locked in and sitting on the floor, he paged Turk.
Chocolate Bear. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Call me? JD
There, that should get a fast response...
Sure enough, moments later, the phone in his hand buzzed. He flipped it open. "Turk?"
"JD! JD, shit, I got your page, you--you remember, don't you? You remember? You're back?" Turk's voice was high, almost breaking with excitement.
JD couldn't help grinning, feeling a bubble of pure happiness rising up in him, even considering everything else. "You know it."
"Quick--what are we going to name our robot?"
"Gizmo, and don't insult me, dude," JD replied, almost laughing. "Some of it's still a little hazy, but I've got most of it, I think. In one huge, headache inducing chunk," he added ruefully.
"You DO remember! JD, this is so awesome, I can't believe it--dude, you've gotta come home! Tomorrow! Shit, tonight if you want, we can grab a pizza from the gas station and get some beer and--"
"Uh, Turk? It's not that simple. I...did something you'll probably think was really stupid." JD winced, rubbing his temples again, before pulling himself up to search through Dr. Cox's--Perry's--Argh! Through the medicine cabinet for painkillers.
"What? Dude, are you okay? You sound a little stressed."
"Just a little. I, uh...Oh fuck. We had sex, after you left. Perry and me, I mean. And I don't regret it, dude, I really don't, but--"
"You what?!" Turk's voice did crack, now. "You have got to be--Jesus, that fucking bastard, I knew he was using you! JD, I'm coming over, I'm going to kick his fucking ass--!"
"Dude, would you calm down? It was my idea, I had to talk him into it...And I'm not sorry it happened, so just chill, okay?" JD groaned softly. "Look, I need to talk, yeah, but...I don't want to have to defend him, too. He didn't hurt me, he didn't do anything I didn't ask him to. Didn't do anything I didn't thoroughly enjoy, either," he added, half to himself.
"That's not the point, JD. Don't you see?" Turk's voice was a little calmer, but not much. "He was planning this from the start. He put on this whole nice-guy facade, he made you think he was your best buddy in the world, he made you want him--he seduced you, JD! Jesus, what the hell do you think? That he's in love with you or something?"
"He didn't fucking plan this, all right?" JD pinched the bridge of his nose, forgetting to keep his voice down. "Dude, it took me over a week to get him into bed, and I've been doing everything I could think of! I don't know if he's in love with me, Turk, but I know he cares. I'm sure of it. Even remembering everything about him. So I don't need you to come and defend my honor...I could handle that myself, if I thought I did." This wasn't how he'd planned to talk things out, but JD realized he was figuring out how he felt just as quickly as if Turk had been understanding. "Can you just admit maybe he's not always the asshole he acts like at work? Though it's no wonder he does, if this is the reaction he gets from people when he tries to be a decent guy..."
"Okay, fine," Turk said. "You're a grown up, you can decide who you sleep with. But answer me this, JD: Are you in love with him?"
"I..." JD hesitated, surprised by the answer. He hadn't thought he was, but... "Yeah. Yeah, I am."
Turk sighed. "Look, dude... I really hope you're right about him. I do. But... shit, man, this is Dr. Cox. You remember him now, so there's no excuse. Treats you like shit, tortures you constantly...ring any bells?"
"Some really loud ones," JD agreed, sighing. "Yeah, I know. You can see why I'm stressed?"
Another sigh. "Yeah. Look, dude... what are you going to do? You can't keep pretending you don't remember him, he'll figure it out eventually."
"I'll tell him the truth," JD replied slowly. "I mean...I have to. Guess it'll be up to him, then. If he turns into an ass again...well, it'll hurt, but that'll be my answer, right? But I don't think he will. I really don't. So I guess...we'll just have to work it out. If I mean something to him, too...But hell. Forget all that for a second. I remember you, dude! I was getting really afraid I wasn't going to..."
Turk laughed. "Yeah, dude... you and me both. All right... look, it's about three in the morning and I have a shift in a few hours, but I'll see if I can get The Todd to switch with me. We SO need to talk. And not on the phone."
"We do. Call me when you know. I should...I should get some sleep. I feel like I got hit by a truck..." JD winced, but giggled. "'Course, I did, huh? Anyway. Go kiss Carla for me, CB. Talk to you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow, buddy."
JD hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his head back against the wall.
After a long moment, he pushed himself up again, finishing cleaning off. He looked in the mirror, smiling a little to see his hair lying flat across his forehead, remembering his surprise at the hair wax. "Have to tell Carla about that..."
He shook his head, splashing water over his face, before sighing again. Memories were still trying to crowd each other, though there was a blank spot leading up to the accident...He remembered Dan's visit, but nothing after, and he knew there'd been nearly two weeks between. "Probably gone for good. Oh well. And you're stalling, JD," he added, frowning at his own reflection. "Now go back to bed."
Following his own instruction was more difficult, but he did it, dropping his phone on the bedside table. He looked down at Perry in the half-light, sighing softly. Yeah. I love you. Dammit...
With a bit of gentle tugging, he got the covers down and slid under them, pulling them up around Perry as well. But he couldn't quite bring himself to curl close, even though a part of him ached for it.
It was a long, long time before he slept again.
* * *
JD was awake when Perry finally opened his eyes.
The younger man was no longer lying on top of him, but had at some point rolled to one side of the bed. He lay now, eyes open, staring at the ceiling; Perry watched him for a moment before murmuring softly, "Hey."
JD looked over at him, and smiled slightly. "Morning. How'd you sleep?"
Perry chuckled, groaning as he stretched. "Better than I have in about ten years," he admitted, grinning. "You?"
JD's smile turned wry, and he shook his head. "Like I lived ten years at once."
The grin slipped from Perry's face in an instant. "W-what?" he stammered, eyes widening. "You... JD, do you...?"
"Remember?" JD nodded. "Yeah. I do. Had a hell of a dream last night, and woke up with it all in my head..."
Perry stared at him, jaw hanging open, trying to think of something to say. "You remember," he breathed. Shit. NOW what? JD didn't look horrified at what they'd done, but... he didn't exactly look happy, either.
JD almost smiled at the look on Perry's face, turning on his side to face the other man. "Yeah, that's what I just said. You okay?"
"I... um." Perry shook his head sharply. "I guess that kind of depends on you, doesn't it?"
JD sighed. "I'm not sure how I am, yet...I mean, I'm glad I remember Turk and Carla and med school and everything...But I've got to admit things would probably be easier between us if I was still clueless. I don't regret it. I swear, I don't. But..." He shrugged helplessly. "I do feel a little weird now. Do you?"
Perry closed his eyes briefly. Damn. "I..." He didn't... or he hadn't, not until JD said that, but then again, he'd known who they both were the whole time. And wanting to get JD into bed, well... that wasn't something he'd decided with only half his memory intact. "I guess, a little," he finally said. "Like going to bed drunk and realizing the waitress you brought home wasn't as hot as you thought she was, huh?"
JD winced, unable to hide the flash of hurt across his face. "Um..."
Perry, however, mistook it for regret. He sighed. "Yeah, well, nothing to be done about it now, I guess," he said softly. He sat up in bed and swung his legs over the side, back to JD, and bent to retrieve his fallen boxers. "Other than keep it to ourselves. I mean, not like anyone knows..." Damn! You knew this was going to happen, Perry--you knew that as soon as he remembered you he'd regret this, and he can say what he wants but it's pretty obvious he does.
"You...you want to pretend it didn't happen?" JD asked, his throat closing on him. Fuck, maybe he had been wrong...Maybe he should've faked it. Though why Perry would want him damaged, and not now, he couldn't understand. "I thought..."
Perry lowered his head, silent for a moment, then stood, tugging on his boxers without turning to look at JD. "You got a better idea?" he murmured, feeling defeated.
JD sighed. What had he expected? That Perry would want to be his boyfriend? God, he was pathetic. "I guess not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressured you into this...I know you didn't want to, and I shouldn't have...shouldn't have kept insisting, when you'd end up with regrets."
Perry closed his eyes, but shook his head. "No, I... I'm the one who should've been thinking clearly," he murmured. "I could at least remember enough to know that... that something like this would happen." He shook his head again, running his fingers through his hair, and glancing back at JD. "Look, I... I'm sorry," he said. "I need to go get dressed and get to work, and I assume you'll want to start packing. Just..." he looked away, quickly, when he felt his eyes beginning to sting. Damn it, Perry, pull it together... "Just lock the door, when you leave," he finished quickly, then left the room, pulling the door shut gently behind him as he went.
He made it to his room before he collapsed. He lowered himself down onto the edge of the bed, face in his hands, and tried to just breathe.
Shit. This is so messed up...
But he'd known it would happen, hadn't he? Known the amnesia wouldn't last forever--and God, he couldn't really want that anyway. JD needed to remember his life, needed to remember who he was and what he loved doing--needed to be a doctor. But... but some selfish part of him had wanted to hold onto this new JD, this JD who didn't realize he was living with the guy who'd made his life a living hell for the last year and a half. This JD who represented the infamously unattainable Second Chance.
"Dream on, Per," he muttered, shaking his head and scrubbing at his eyes. He drew a breath and released it in a slow sigh, letting his accustomed misery, which he hadn't even been fully aware of discarding, slip back around him, settling in place over his heart, keeping out the pain--but keeping everything (and everyone) else out, too.
He stood, and, slowly, began to dress. He didn't have to work today, and JD might very well know it, but he'd be damned if he'd stand by and watch as JD, like everyone else who'd ever made him happy inevitably did, packed up his things and walked out of his life for good.
* * *
JD watched him go, biting his lip hard. "But you have the day off..." he murmured to the closed door. He'd hoped they could spend it in bed together, before...before. Shit. Why had he thought this would be different? Why had he thought....crap. He sighed, pushing back tears that tried to fall, sniffling as he got up, making the bed, tossing the condom wrapper into the trashcan.
He was still sniffling when he heard the front door close, some time later, and he sank to the bed, burying his face in his hands. How had things gone so wrong so fast?
Well, Perry had given him his marching orders. He sighed, packing his things, pausing over one of the journals. He tore a page from the back of it, grabbing a pen and writing out a note, trying to keep any tears from falling on it. He almost succeeded, and wiped away the one that did. He wrote for a long time, though the note itself ended up fairly short. After a few moments deliberation, he snuck into Perry's room, and laid it on his pillow.
Finally, packed and ready, he called Turk, waiting in the living room for his friend to come pick him up, trying to compose himself. He only partially succeeded.
* * *
Perry wandered around the city aimlessly, not even bothering with the Porsche. He wandered through the park, sitting on the bench and staring at nothing until the cold started to get to him, then walking some more. He tried not to think, but he was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.
What would they do now? Could they go back to the way things were? Perry knew it was probably for the best but... God, that would all but kill him. He'd gotten so used to being real around JD that being anything else would be painful. He wouldn't be able to do it.
But where did that leave him? They couldn't avoid working together; even if JD switched off his service, they'd run into each other on occasion. Then what? Smile politely, nod, and go about his business? Jesus, that'd be harder than treating him like he used to, nearly--at least then, even if he was being a complete ass about it, he'd been looking out for JD, trying, in his strange way, to be the mentor JD'd always wanted him to be. Even if JD didn't see it.
But that was just the problem. JD didn't see it. He never had. And every rant, every insult, every name had gone down on some mental list (or hell, who knew, maybe in that journal of his), and JD couldn't let them go; couldn't realize that all Perry had been trying to do was take care of him. Help him. Teach him. Maybe, in a weird way, love him, too.
He sighed, kicking aimlessly at a rock on the path in front of him. Yes, he loved JD. More than he would have ever imagined possible. That wouldn't simply vanish, no matter what, but... Perry could hide it all the same, if he had to. If it was what was best for JD, then he'd do it in a heartbeat.
Even if it did kill him.
It was dark by the time he returned to his apartment, trudging slowly up the stairs, hoping against hope that maybe, somehow, JD would still be there--and simultaneously praying he wouldn't be.
He needn't have worried. The apartment, when he turned the key and pushed open the door, was dark, cold. Empty. He sighed, shoving the door closed with his foot and shrugging out of his jacket. He slung it over the back of the chair and wandered into the den. The glasses and empty wine bottles were gone, no doubt cleaned up by JD himself before he'd left. Evidence erased.
Perry swallowed, the headed toward the liquor cabinet, grabbing a glass and pouring himself some scotch. He the slumped back onto the couch, trying not to think about the fact that less than 24 hours ago, he'd been sitting here with JD, and flipped on the television.
He fell asleep that way three hours later, empty scotch glass falling from his hand to roll under the couch, while on the screen, images continued to flicker unseen.
* * *
Shit. Why couldn't I have done this over the phone? JD had called the hospital, letting them know he was in more or less full possession of his memories. Only to be ordered in to take a few impromptu tests, and figure out a return schedule.
So he'd had Carla drop him off on her way to run a few errands, extracting a promise from her to return as soon as she was done. JD had been grateful, at least, that the tests hadn't been with Perry...But it was small consolation to his aching head. He hadn't done as badly as he'd feared, but he still had studying to do, before he'd be allowed back fulltime. Not that he minded, he'd been going to suggest it himself. But now all he wanted was to get home as soon as possible, without getting stopped by too many people.
That was a hopeless wish, everyone he saw wanted to talk.
He'd finally pulled himself out of inane conversation with Doug, and was turning to go, when he saw Perry, heading toward him, head buried in a chart. Fuck, what do I do? I told him I'd give him time...
But Perry barely glanced at him, simply nodding a little and saying, rather breezily, "Hey, Cynthia," before continuing on his way.
Cynthia? "Oh, fuck, no..." JD clenched his jaw, staring after Perry for a moment, before turning and pushing off the wall, storming out of the place, gritting out a "Not now," when he saw the Todd coming toward him.
He walked home, not bothering to call Carla and see if she was finished. Halfway there he broke into a jog, anger fueling his steps, though the pain in his ribs as his breathing deepened into pants eventually forced him to stop. Still, by the time he got home, he'd decided he didn't care if he'd told Perry he needed time, and he'd give him the same. Didn't care if he'd said he didn't want to know if the Perry'd he'd seen hadn't been real.
Because part of him was still convinced it was, and there was no way in hell he was letting Perry pull this crap. Not without a fight.
* * *
Perry's head was aching by the time he returned to his apartment. He'd had catch up paperwork to handle all day--he'd taken a lot of his vacation days the past month, to stay with... well. It had left him with quite a bit to do, when he'd returned, and there was little that Perry hated more than paperwork.
He tossed his keys onto the kitchen table, flipping disinterestedly through his mail. Cable bills, mostly; catalogues that Jordan had signed up for, and he'd never gotten around to canceling. Nothing of interest. He tossed it onto the table with his keys and wandered toward the den, stopping by the liquor cabinet to grab a bottle of scotch and thunk it down on the coffee table along with a glass.
He sank down onto the couch and reached for the remote, but he had only just flipped the TV on when the key in the door suddenly rattled. He frowned, and spun around, then felt his heart sink when JD stormed through the door, looking intent on murder.
* * *
Grateful he hadn't left behind the key Perry'd made him, JD took the stairs up to his apartment two at a time, not bothering to knock as he let himself in. He pushed the door open, and felt himself scowl to be confronted by Perry half-sprawled on the couch, the Scotch already out before him...
"What the fuck kind of game do you think you're playing?" JD snarled bluntly, crossing his arms and staring at the older man, anger now a tight knot in his stomach.
Perry raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?" he said, voice low and deadly.
"You heard me," JD replied, voice steady, no hint of fear or hesitation in his manner.
"Oh, I heard you," Perry agreed. "I heard you barge uninvited into my apartment and start yelling at me. I was just hoping I'd heard wrong." He clenched his jaw, getting to his feet and brushing his nose with his thumb before folding his arms across his chest. "What do you want, Newbie?"
If JD'd been less angry, he would've smiled, recognizing the gesture. "Look, I know I told you not to bother telling me if I'd been wrong about you, but I still think I deserve a little more than just going back to random girl's names and being ignored. I want to have this out, and if we have to do it like this, fine. But I'm not going to just let you pretend you have somewhere to go again, and get out of it."
Perry frowned. "Deserve more than girl's names?" he repeated, focusing on the part of JD's argument he'd been able to follow. "Fuck, Newbie, you're the one who said you felt all 'weird' about this." His lip curled into a sneer on the word 'weird,' voice going a little higher, mocking the younger man. "As I recall, I was the one who tried to get you to stop, but ooooh, no--can't listen to old Perry, can we? He's good for a quick fuck or two but not for advice. Shouldn't surprise me, I guess--it's not like you ever take my advice, even when I do spoon-feed it to you."
"I told you I didn't regret it, and I don't. Or at least I didn't, before..." JD sighed. "But yeah, it was a little strange. Forgive me for needing a couple hours to sort things out in my head. Guess I shouldn't have bothered, since you're set to go back to being an asstard again...And I can't believe you'd even try to say I don't take your advice. Where have you been for the last year and a half?"
"Listening to you whine and complain and daydream and basically make a general nuisance of yourself," Perry retorted. "And sure, you take my advice eventually, once you realize that yes, Dr. Cox was right again, but you usually insist on putting everyone through the John Dorian Angst show first." Some distant part of Perry's heart was crumbling a little bit with each word, begging him to stop, but he was too angry to listen to it. "I mean for fuck's sake, Newbie. What the hell did you want from me, anyway? A cookie? A hug? A surrogate father? Because you've made it damned clear you didn't want me. I tried giving you that and it bit me in the ass pretty damned quickly, so no, forgive me if I'm not real keen on jumping right into being 'just friends' the way you girls always seem to want, and don't you even dare try giving me that 'it's not you, it's me' speech, because I've heard it one too many times, and trust me, Jacinda: It's bullshit. So answer my fucking question then get the hell out of here. What do you want?"
JD's face hardened, remembering the note he'd labored over. Don't know why I bothered... "I already told you. And I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I? So fuck you, Perry Cox, and fine, I'll go." He dropped the key still in his hand on the coffee table and spun around, slamming the door behind him.
Perry snarled, hands flying to his hair, eyes and jaw clenched. Fuck, he was such an idiot. To think that things could change--that he could change, that JD could believe it if he did... why the hell should he? No one else had.
The first time he'd ever had a reason to want to, and he'd gotten it thrown back in his face. Well, no more. He lowered his hands, storming toward his bedroom. He'd... fuck, he didn't know. He'd call Kelso, tell him he was putting in for a transfer, he'd get the hell out of here, because he sure as hell couldn't go to that place every day, not when the last thing that had almost made it worthwhile had been snatched from him. He couldn't do it--he simply couldn't.
He flung open the bedroom door and grabbed a duffel bag, tossing it onto the bed, not sure exactly where he was planning to go, but needing to get out. Fast.
It was then, however, that he noticed the sheet of paper sitting on his pillow. He frowned, pausing long enough to reach out and snatch it up, wondering how on earth it had gotten there--then gasped, nearly dropping it when he recognized JD's handwriting.
The ink was a little smudged, the writing a hasty scrawl, with more words scribbled out than actually remained. It covered the front and back of what could only be a sheet out of one of JD's journals--too small to be regular notebook paper, and too thick, too. There were a few smudged places where the ink was more blurred than usual, and where the paper had gone a little wavy--tear stains. Jesus...
Perry,
I'm leaving, since you asked me to. I don't want to, not really, but I don't want to make things more awkward than they are, so I will.
I don't regret it. I swear I don't. I'm hurting a little now, but...I'm still glad we shared that, even if it wasn't all I thought it was. I am sorry I put you in a position that really didn't have a good outcome...but I hope eventually you can forgive me.
I don't know if things will go back to "normal" when I get back to work, but I hope not. I'd like to think I got to know the real Perry Cox. If I didn't...don't tell me? I guess I'll know from how you act when I'm back, anyway.
If I did...well. It's girly as hell, but I was definitely falling for him. Hard. And knowing he can be a jerk doesn't change that.
I need a little time, to adjust everything in my head. I'd guess you do, too. But I still want you. I don't think I'll be back right away, anyway, but call me, if you want to grab dinner, or something. We should talk this out, not just freak out at each other.
And no matter what, thanks for the best sex I've ever had.
JD
"Jesus," Perry's fingers were shaking harder, vision blurring a little, by the time he reached the end. Falling for him? Was he serious?
Oh sweet lord... what have I done?
Suddenly, everything from earlier made sense--JD's anger, his last words: "I already told you, and I guess I've got my answer now, too, don't I?"
Perry dropped the bag and spun on his heels, sprinting down the hallway and out the door. He took the stairs two at a time and barreled into the door, out onto the street, looking around frantically. Oh, please, let him not have left yet, please...
Yes! JD's car was still there, parked a little ways down the street; Perry could see the dark silhouette that told him JD was sitting in it, though why he hadn't left yet, Perry didn't know. He dashed forward, coming up alongside the car in minutes, heart catching in his throat when he realized JD was clutching the steering wheel, eyes clenched shut, tears slipping down his cheeks. He hadn't seen Perry approaching; Perry tapped on the window to get his attention. "JD!"
JD started and looked up, half expecting to see a police officer or something. But his face hardened again, when he saw Perry. He reached over and locked the door, wishing he felt steady enough to just drive away.
Perry's eyes widened, and he shook his head, hand pressed against the glass. "JD, please--please, let me talk to you!"
"So you can yell at me more?" JD muttered, and shook his head, trying to push away sobs that would only aggravate his aching ribs. He was such an idiot...
And knew himself to be more of one, when he raised his head a moment later and unlocked the door again, rolling down the window. "What?" he asked dully.
"JD, I... Look, I'm sorry," Perry started, leaning over. "Can--can you get out of the car? I feel like I should be taking your order, here..."
"Fine..." JD heaved a sigh and rolled the window up again, opening the door and getting out. He leaned against the car, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. He didn't bother to wipe away the remains of his tears. "Why're you sorry? Did you want to make me cry harder or something?" It was low, and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself.
Perry winced, but he knew he deserved it. "No," he said, shoulders slumping a little. "No, JD, I--look... I found your note."
"I'd kind of figured that..."
"No--I mean just now, you idiot," Perry snapped, then closed his eyes, frustrated at himself. Good, Perry, way to win the kid back over... "I didn't... I didn't know... why didn't you say something yesterday morning? That you felt this way?" he waved the note in the air, barely refraining from pacing outright. "Why didn't you tell me?"
JD blinked at him, having to once again rapidly rebuild things inside his head. He was getting tired of all the construction in his skull... "When did I have a chance? You went right from comparing me to an ugly waitress, to saying we should hide it from everyone we know, to running off and pretending you had to go to work! That's why I wrote the goddamn note." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Where'd you sleep last night, anyway?"
"I--my couch," Perry admitted, then frowned. "I never compared you to an ugly waitress."
"You told me it was like waking up after a night out drunk, to find out the girl you picked up wasn't nearly as hot as you'd thought. Sounds like a comparison to me. Why? What would you call that?"
Perry felt his mouth drop open, and for a moment all he could do was stare. Then, incredibly, he began to laugh.
JD sighed, looking up at the sky and shaking his head. "Why am I even talking to you?"
"No!" Perry shook his head, wiping helplessly at his eyes. "JD, I... I meant me," he said. "When I said that--God...I figured that was how you felt." He grinned. "After all, I knew perfectly well who I was going home with. You were the one who woke up to a bit of a shock."
"You...? Oh..." JD felt himself blush, and ducked his head a little. "Well...that makes more sense, doesn't it?"
Perry's grin softened to a smile; he turned and leaned against the car next to JD. "We're a bit of an awkward picture here, aren't we?" he murmured.
JD laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I think so. So...today at the hospital, you were just doing what...what you thought you had to, I guess, huh?"
Perry nodded, looking down at the pavement. "Yeah," he said. "Actually, I was doing what I thought you wanted."
JD nudged his shoulder against Perry's. "I want you to keep acting like you have been. Want to still be with you...It was just a shock, you know? I...well. I remembered everything in a nightmare, and I couldn't get back to sleep after. I hated that I felt all awkward, though..."
Perry flinched. "Remembering me was a nightmare, huh?" he said, trying to keep his voice light but failing. "Yeah, I guess it would be. I haven't exactly been the nicest of people to you." He glanced sideways at JD. "I'm sorry, kid," he offered quietly. "I guess... well, it's kind of how I treat all the interns, and once I got going I didn't know how to stop. You know?"
"The remembering you part wasn't the nightmare, it was just...a really bad dream," JD replied softly, shivering a little. "But...thank you. I do know what you mean, but it still means a lot to hear you're sorry. You're not...not going to go back to it, are you? Now, I mean?"
Perry sighed softly. "No, I'm not," he said. "I'm..." he grimaced a little. "JD, this--this isn't going to be that easy, you know. I mean, you saw how people reacted, when I was... well, when I wasn't putting on my Perry the Jackass show. They thought I was up to something. They're going to keep thinking it, too; they're going to think that I'm... hell, that I'm just toying with you, to get in your pants, that one day the other shoe is going to drop. They're going to give us both hell about it. You sure it's worth putting up with all that?"
JD didn't answer for a moment, thinking of Turk's protests, Carla's, Elliot's doubts...and then remembered the moments he'd spent curled in Perry's arms, feeling the older man holding him... "Yeah. I'm sure you are. I never do things the easy way, anyway..."
Perry looked away again, but he was smiling; shyly, he slipped one hand out of his pocket and slid it through JD's arm, linking their elbows. "Yeah," he murmured. "Me neither." They stood in silence for a few long moments, then Perry said, "JD?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you... I mean... do you want to go back upstairs?" He colored slightly, then hurried on: "I mean, not to do anything, necessarily--not that we can't, but that's not why I'm asking--it just seems like there... like we might be more comfortable, I don't know, having this conversation inside instead of out here in the dark..."
JD laughed softly. "Who could refuse an invitation like that? Yeah, let's go back in. And I can think of several things I'd like to do..."
Perry grinned at him, pushing himself away from the car but keeping his arm linked with JD's. "Oh? Care to share any of those ideas, Dr. Dorian?"
JD used his free hand to lock the car door, before following Perry upstairs. "Mmm...they're all variations on a theme..." Inside him, the hard knot that'd formed when his memories returned began to loosen.
Perry chuckled, unlocking the apartment and leading JD inside, engaging in easy banter with the younger man. His heart was lighter than it had been in a long time, even lighter than it had been the night he and JD had... well.
It's really him now, a small, shy, deliriously happy voice within him whispered. It's really him, he really knows you, he really still wants this.
Yes, he did. They still had things to work out, true, but Perry knew they'd do it. They'd get there, now that they'd stopped getting in their own way.
* * *
Later, much later, after a few hours of talking around a bachelor-style dinner of cold pizza and leftover Chinese with orange soda, they were once more curled together in bed, sweaty and sticky but perfectly content. Perry lay on his back, JD beside him, arm draped over the older man's chest; Perry had tucked his own arm about JD's back, and his fingers were playing lightly through his hair.
"So what are the chances of you sticking with this look?" Perry asked suddenly, tugging at the strands of JD's hair that still lay unspiked across his forehead.
JD made a face. "You like it this way?" he asked, incredulous. "It's... flat."
Perry grinned. "Yeah," he agreed. "And I can do this"--he drew his fingers through JD's hair slowly; JD snuggled a little closer, all but purring--"and have a hope of getting my hand back afterwards," Perry finished, returning to simply toying with the strands of dark hair.
JD sighed. "Turk won't like it," he said. "He likes the spiked look."
Perry's hand faltered at the mention of Turk; after a moment, he said, "Well, you may want to listen to him, then; he is your best friend," in a voice that was far too carefully light to honestly be casual.
JD hid a smile. "Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend," he replied. "And not the one I want touching it."
Perry drew back to look JD in the face. "Boyfriend, huh?" he murmured. "You're really sure this is what you want?"
JD grinned, drawing himself up to lean over Perry again and kiss him, gently but thoroughly. "If you're sure you'll have me," he said softly.
Perry made a show of pretending to consider it; JD punched him lightly on the arm. "All right, all right," Perry relented with a laugh. "But under one condition, Newbie."
"What's that?"
"Never call me your 'boyfriend' in public. It's waaaay too Sweet Valley High, you know?"
JD rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say," he agreed. "Long as I can keep doing this."
He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Perry's, tongue darting out to trace his lower lip. Perry closed his eyes and reciprocated.
JD took that as a yes.
* * *
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 01:55 (UTC)So sweet! JD/Perry is definately my new favorite thing, and I think your fanfics have had a lot to do with that.
--Alissa
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:33 (UTC)Awwww! That makes me very, very happy to hear!
As does knowing we made you gasp and jump. I'm so glad you've enjoyed our fics!
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 02:19 (UTC)Oh the drama, the angst, the romance! Absolutely wonderful. Absolutely corking, topping, station and other words that mean "really really really good". XD
I adore this fic so much and I am so happy at the conclusion! (Teh secks was hawt too. XD)
*happiness*
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 04:02 (UTC)And hoorah for secks. ^^
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 02:37 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:34 (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:16 (UTC)Very nice, well done. I love JD and Dr. Cox. They are so very very good together!
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:29 (UTC)Had to join just so I could post this.
For a moment there, I thought you were actually going to keep them apart, and I growled. But after reading this, I feel I can go back and attempt 'Cancer' again. Even if it kills me.
I absolutely loved this fic, not too much angst (and there was some good, proper sex in it).
no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 04:03 (UTC)Thanks for the comment!
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:32 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 03:41 (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 04:57 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 05:40 (UTC)I think we're going to slow down posting for a bit--posting a sixty-page fic in two days is a little too much, we decided--and just focus on Changeling. But it means we'll be collecting a store of other stories to post when we're finished posting it (including its sequel) so... yeah. We'll be here awhile. :D
Thanks for the comment!
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 05:07 (UTC)BEST JD COX STORY EVAH!!
And then tonight your posting the next changeling one too right? You just keep giving and giving, and your wonderful words leave me speachless so I am power less to give back!!!
KNOW THAT I WORSHIP YOU TWO. Ha.
*tics down the minutes*
~Meg
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 05:21 (UTC)And can I just say I look forward to your feedback? It always makes me all happy to read it. And I get to look at Zach's amazing bottom lip... *drifts off for a happy little party in my head*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 06:26 (UTC)My word!!(faints) you both replied!! (fangirl fans herself and swoons some more) WOW! Are you kidding? Your storys are teh awesomest! The bestest on the net to be precise and as for the dimples right above the tail bone! (fans some more)
I am in the presence of greatness! hehe
now I must hurry to see if youve updated again I'm going on every five minutes now! ha
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 06:30 (UTC)And God, yes, those dimples need to be licked. A lot. I, for one, volunteer for the job.
*blushes with happiness to be thought half of the bestest*
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Date: 17 Dec 2006 13:37 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Dec 2006 19:49 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Dec 2006 18:10 (UTC)bounce.
go 'awwwwww.'
squeak.
giggle.
cwy.
laugh immediately after crwing.
grin evilly.
gasp.
growl.
rather affronted that we weren't told how they got all sweaty and sticky again.
go cross-eyed imagining them getting all sweaty and sticky.
very glad that no one else was in the room when I was reading it because I still blush really hard.
do the 'thuri-and-randomslasher-rock-really-hard' happy dance... repeatedly.
I'll have you know that you are the only authors with your own happy dance.
::TARRRH HAPPY DANCE!!!::
See?
*^_^*
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Date: 19 Dec 2006 19:47 (UTC)And we thought showing how they got all sweaty and sticky might be overkill, after the 11 pages of sex in the previous part...
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Date: 18 Dec 2006 00:53 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Dec 2006 19:48 (UTC)no subject
Date: 18 Dec 2006 01:49 (UTC)Awesome job guys!
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Date: 19 Dec 2006 08:31 (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 18 Dec 2006 22:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 20 Dec 2006 01:38 (UTC)no subject
Date: 19 Dec 2006 00:20 (UTC)I've already added this to my memories, but I'm going to friend you--and start reading Changeling--because if it's anywhere near as wonderful as this, then it'll be a crime if I don't read it.
*loves and worships*
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Date: 19 Dec 2006 01:28 (UTC)And yay!! Hope you like Changeling! :) It's a bit out there, but it was so much fun to write... It's rather dear to us. :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 24 Dec 2006 05:47 (UTC)no subject
Date: 24 Dec 2006 06:07 (UTC)Most of our fics--which are all up here in
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Date: 20 Jan 2007 04:07 (UTC)no subject
Date: 24 Jan 2007 07:22 (UTC)no subject
Date: 7 Feb 2007 03:15 (UTC)Your Stories
Date: 8 Feb 2007 22:01 (UTC)~crazed fan~
Ricka
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Date: 9 Feb 2007 08:47 (UTC)no subject
Date: 25 Feb 2007 09:09 (UTC)Nice fairytale ending for the gents here ... makes up for the reality you pulled off in "Cancer."
Such a sweet arc you've got. Loved it!
~m
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Date: 2 Mar 2007 08:00 (UTC)BUT. It was so worth it becaues this fic was SOOOO satisfying. I loved every minutes of it - you captured the feelings so beautifully. I wanted to punch Turk near the beginning and my stomach was turning when JD finally remembered Dr. Cox. Also, I thought you were going to have a big twist or something and make Dr. Cox the one who had hit him, but I don't know quite where that would have gone - I adored this ending.
GHFJHLFGSSJLSJ pretty much I should just learn to read everything in this journal and read it ten thousand times, because it's so amazing.
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Date: 2 Apr 2007 07:01 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Apr 2007 17:14 (UTC)FABULOUS!
Date: 10 Jun 2007 02:23 (UTC)I love the emotions expressed by both JD and Perry. They're completely different, showing their true sides, and it's amazing to see those hidden feelings.
GAH! I must go and save it to my favorites this very moment. GOOD DAY!
~JacksBoonie