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randomweavingFic: Changeling
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and implied m/m attraction
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.
Chapter listings: Contents Post
Happy New Year! Another 'thank you' holiday post (the last, I fear!), because you asked, and you're all so wonderful we just couldn't say no. Enjoy!
JD woke up late in the morning wondering if he'd been run over by a truck. And hoping he could persuade it to back over his head and put him out of his misery. "Fuck..." he groaned, starting to push himself up, and stopping when it drove a spike of pain through his arm. Great. Just great.
Finally, through a combination of careful rolling and scootching, he got himself out of bed, wings sore from too much flying rather painfully held against his back. When he finally stumbled downstairs, after splashing water on his face in the bathroom and taking a leak, he found Perry on the couch, staring at a news report on the TV, and Jack in his swing, watching the snow fall outside.
Snow. A shitload of it. Great.
"Mornin'," he muttered, scrubbing his good hand through his hair, keeping the other still, held across his stomach. "Is there coffee?"
Perry pointed toward the counter where a pot was bubbling. "Cups in the cupboard above the stove," he said, not taking his eyes from the news. "How's the shoulder?"
JD winced, rotating it. "Sore, but I'll live," he said.
Perry glanced at him only briefly before looking back at the television. "Looks like we're gonna be pretty well snowed in," he said. "Storm hit at about seven thirty--it's been going strong ever since. Think we've probably got over a foot and a half by now. On top of what we got last night, I mean."
JD closed his eyes. "Great," he muttered. He'd just made the biggest mistake of his life: admitting, both to himself and to the man in question, that he was in love with Perry Cox. And now he was officially trapped out here with him. He knew he wouldn't be able to fly until his arm healed; the flapping just put too much stress on the muscles of his shoulder, and if he tried he would probably open the wound again.
Not to mention I'd get lost in all this snow, he thought, staring out at it as it swirled down in sheets so thick he couldn't even see the tree line, not thirty yards from the house.
He poured himself a cup of coffee and walked over to the couch, sliding to the floor in front of it (it was easier to deal with his wings that way), keeping himself a careful distance from Perry. He sipped at the coffee and then relaxed a little, when it proved to be good. Bless Jordan and her expensive taste. He took another long sip, and relaxed a bit more. "God, I'm sore...No more flying that far in two days again. Can't believe I was thinking of going to Ohio yesterday..."
Perry looked at him sharply. "You were what, now?"
"I was thinking of flying out to check on Dan and my mom...I can't get a hold of them." JD looked down in his mug, and sighed. "I wasn't seriously considering it, not really; it'd take fucking forever and it's not safe, but...I'm worried. They're not answering the phones. Any of them. They hadn't seen Dan at the bar, but... I dunno. I guess that's nothing new, he disappears sometimes." He half-shrugged, and took another drink of coffee, looking over at Jack, feeling suddenly oddly adrift. "They're okay, though, right?"
"Of course they are," Perry said instantly, leaping at the chance to talk about something real without the chance of embarrassing himself. Again. "They're probably just busy, or maybe they're camped out like we are--things are crazy right now."
JD nodded, letting out a slow breath. "Yeah. Yeah, they're fine. I'll try again later..." He settled back to finish his coffee, watching Perry from the corner of his eye. The other man didn't seem to want to talk about the night before...so JD decided to keep his mouth shut, as well. Pretend it hadn't happened. "Did you get a hold of Carla? I should probably call her later, see how Turk's doing. Hope he'll finish before she starts..."
"I called her," he said, deciding not to mention that she'd been as frightened as he had, at JD's tardiness. "She said Turk's doing fine. He's growing fur, apparently."
JD giggled. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's becoming some kind of dog-taur."
Perry frowned. "I... didn't know those existed."
JD shrugged. "Apparently they do now," he replied. "People are becoming half animal, or taking on animal attributes, and I guess becoming half something four-legged doesn't limit itself to horses."
Perry winced. "Lord. Just imagine how difficult it would be to get used to something like that. You had enough trouble just with the wings, and they're nothing next to essentially growing another body."
JD nodded, but his face was thoughtful. "Once mine grew in completely, though, I just... I knew where they were, and I could move with them as though I'd had them my whole life. I think it's why I could fly immediately." He glanced up at Perry from his position on the floor. "I think if people accept the Change, and listen to it, they'll adapt much more quickly than they would have otherwise."
Perry lifted his eyebrows and shrugged. "You're the expert," he conceded, and for once there was no sarcasm in his tone when he said it. "I hope you told all this to Gandhi?"
JD nodded again. "Yeah," he said, turning back to the news to watch the latest on the rioting. "Yesterday was basically a pep-talk session about how to listen to his body, and accept that the changes he was going through were perfectly natural. I felt like I was teaching a sixth grade health class."
Perry snorted, a grin on his face, and JD felt a twinge of hope. Perry might not be interested in him, but maybe the damage wasn't as extensive as he'd first thought. Maybe they could keep being friends, and Perry really had let last night go. JD had been really tired, after all...
He swallowed, dithering. Part of him wanted to let it go and never bring it up, ever. But another part of him--the part that warned him arrogantly of karma--told him that if they left the air uncleared, this could come back to haunt him, maybe in a day, a week, or a year, but one day, for sure.
Perry noticed the younger man watching him and felt himself color slightly. "Something up, Newbie?" he said, doing his best to keep his voice light.
JD heard the discomfort anyway, though, and saw the flush, and turned away, his own ears burning. "No," he said, waving his hand in what he hoped was a casually dismissive manner. "Just... thinking."
"Ah."
JD waited until he was certain Perry was watching the TV again, then closed his eyes, barely biting back a little whimper of despair. God--looks like he was too soon in deciding they'd moved seamlessly past his little faux pas. He wondered how long it would stay this awkward between them.
Well, I certainly won't be helping things if I let myself get caught gazing at him like that, he reasoned bitterly. He's clearly uncomfortable by it, and that's the last thing I want.
He resolved to get himself under control, and began trying to gather the feelings he had for the older doctor and box them up deep inside himself. He could do that--he'd been doing it, he realized now, very nearly since the first moment he'd met Perry Cox. So now he knew--it wasn't like it was the first embarrassing thing he'd ever said to Perry, nor was it likely to be the last. He'd just have to ignore it, for now, and hope Perry would do the same, and they'd move on as best they could.
He silenced his Karma voice by reminding it what would happen if they pushed the subject: Perry wouldn't kick him out, of that JD was now certain, but things would be miserably awkward; they'd probably barely be able to speak to one another, or even be in the same room. And losing Perry means losing Jack, he reminded himself.
The Karma voice shut up.
JD drew a breath, then got to his feet, taking his empty cup of coffee into the kitchen. "Do we have any cereal?"
"Cabinet above the sink," Perry replied. "Bowls next to that, silverware in the drawer by the dishwasher."
Trying not to think how perfectly warm and domestic this scene would be, if it weren't so terribly awkward as well, JD poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and settled back down in front of the sofa.
* * *
The awkwardness seemed to fade, a bit, as the day dragged on. JD'd finally asked if they could switch off the news, when he again called home and got no answer. Perry had obliged with no argument, watching JD surreptitiously. His own hope was fading, that JD'd meant what he'd said when he'd arrived early that morning, so he resisted the unfamiliar but undeniable urge to hug him again, let him know it'd be all right.
Besides, the reports they'd seen that morning firmly reminded Perry he'd be lying, if he did tell JD there was no reason for worry. If the Change didn't killing them, Changelings were still having to deal with stores putting up "Humans Only" signs, with attacks if they dared go outside. Not to mention there were reports of strange animals in the wilderness, sightings of creatures who shouldn't exist.
And the wilderness itself seemed to be encroaching. People who could were pouring into cities, as late season blizzards and storms destroyed their outlying homes. If they were lucky, they found places to stay. The weather was going nuts, and the storm around them made more sense, in light of it. But the electricity stayed on, and the fire was warm. If it weren't for JD's worry about his family, and the unspoken tension between he and Perry, it might have been a relatively pleasant afternoon.
The next morning dawned to the same silent fall of snow, the same reports on the television, the same worry, the same breakfast, even, JD realized as he poured out his Lucky Charms. He ate, blocking out the sound of the TV, pretending to be absorbed in giving Jack bits of his cereal, trying to keep himself from calling home again.
They're fine, he told himself. And it'd be silly to call again so soon... Besides, Dan sleeps late, he wouldn't be up yet, I'll just wait a few more hours...
JD finished his food, changed Jack, and almost rejoiced when the boy got a bit fussy. He cradled him against his good shoulder, and started walking pacing through the living room, thinking to himself that maybe Perry would be touched to see how well he was taking care of the boy.
As it was, Perry couldn't help wondering how long it'd be before they killed each other. Because JD would not stop pacing, wings opening and closing against his back. "JD, just call them again, would you please? You're wearing a hole in the carpet."
JD stopped, blushing, but nodded, and handed Jack over. He picked up the phone, dialing the first number he'd ever known, and held it to his ear. It rang. Once, twice, three times...and someone picked up.
Perry started, hearing JD gasp, and then start talking. He smiled, turning back to the TV and rocking Jack a little. Now maybe JD would calm down, and honestly, it was about time that useless brother of his answer his phone.
But then Perry frowned, as he registered what JD was saying.
"Dan, hey," JD said, the relief clear in his voice. "It's about time you picked up--what? Who is--I'm his brother, John Dorian...Yes..."
Perry turned, his frown deepening, and saw JD's face had gone startlingly pale. His voice was trembling, when he continued to speak.
"Yes, Officer," he said, swallowing visibly. "She's... she's my mother. Please, what's going on?"
There was another pause, and JD's eyes suddenly went very wide; he lurched forward, free hand going out to grip the counter. Perry set Jack down on the couch and got to his feet, taking a few steps forward and watching JD with alarm.
"B...both of them...?" JD whispered, voice cracking a little. Then, rallying, he straightened; when he spoke again his voice was oddly calm. "Yes. Yes, I understand... thank you."
JD numbly hung up, though the officer was still talking to him. He turned to Perry, his face carefully and frighteningly blank. "They're dead, Perry," he said, voice dull. "Both of them."
Perry's eyes widened; he took another hesitant step forward. "What?" he whispered.
JD's eyes were still blank, but his breathing was beginning to come a little bit faster, and it hitched now and then, deep in his chest. "That... that was a police officer," he said. "They... Dan hadn't shown up to work for longer than usual, and with everything on the news they got worried, so they finally sent someone..." he shook his head. "They're gone. It--the Change, it killed them both."
Perry shook his head slowly, horror written clearly on his face. God...he wanted to help JD, but...what could he possibly say? 'I'm sorry' was so inadequate. He'd dealt with grieving family before, but this wasn't the family of a patient, whom he'd only have to see once before they vanished from his life. This was Newbie.
"JD?" he said gently, taking another hesitant step forward. "I'm so sorry. God, I really am."
"They're gone, Perry," JD whispered, eyes wide and staring at something unseen in the air between them. "They're dead, and God only knows where my dad is, and..." JD choked off, the numbness starting to fade. His knuckles were white, clenching the counter in front of him, and his breath hitched again. "They're gone..." And it was then the tears started, low ugly sobs ripping their way out of his chest.
"Ah, Jesus, JD..." Perry whispered, moving forward, but stopping in front of him, not knowing what to do. Before, he would have offered his arms, held him, let him cry--but things the last two days had been awkward, and strained, and Perry was none too certain any physical offerings of comfort would be well received.
JD tried to pull himself under control, tried to stop crying, though part of him knew he shouldn't feel ashamed--God, he'd lost his whole family. If that wasn't cause to cry, what was?
He couldn't stop thinking of the last time he'd seen Dan. How he'd promised to go home for Christmas, and then hadn't. How they'd fought...and now he was gone. No chance to turn his life around. No chance for them to get better at being friends. No chance to see his mom again, just tell her he loved her. No chance for...
He slumped over the counter, the sobs less ugly now, but deeper, and more painful. "I...I can't..." He turned his face to Perry, seeing the look of hopelessness on the other man's face, and again tried to crush the emotions down. But he couldn't. Whether it was the still-lingering physical exhaustion and pain of his flight, the emotional turmoil of the Change itself, the worry... He just didn't have the reserves to stop himself.
He moved from the counter, and reached out, hesitantly, toward Perry, thinking only that he desperately needed to feel the living warmth of another human being--then remembering that things were awkward between them, and letting his hand drop back to his side. He pulled his wings in tightly around his body instead, and buried his face in his hands, still crying.
Perry felt his own heart breaking under the weight of JD's grief. He decided to hell with it--JD wouldn't be human if he didn't want some form of physical comfort right now, and since Perry was the only one available who could understand JD's grief, well, damn it, he was going to offer it. Even if JD regretted it later, even if it made things more uncomfortable than they already were, Perry couldn't stand by and mumble platitudes while JD stood devastated before him.
He moved forward and laid a hand on JD's shoulder--firm enough to let the younger man know he was there, but light enough that JD could pull away if he so chose--and waited.
JD felt the touch, and couldn't stop himself from turning, burying his face in Perry's shoulder and winding his arms around his waist. He sobbed harder, feeling the other man's arms come around him. "I didn't even go home for Christmas..." he whimpered. It seemed a stupid thing to fixate on, but he couldn't help himself.
Perry held him close, eyes drifting shut, and rocked him a little. He didn't know what he could say that could even begin to ease the young man's pain, so he settled for simply being there. He slid his arms under the trembling wings to hold JD even closer, as JD's body shook with sobs. Perry's own throat tightened as his eyes burned sympathetically. He began making small, comforting noises--soft hums and whispers that he might make to soothe Jack.
Slowly, slowly, JD's trembling began to lessen, and his gasping sobs began to slow.
Broken though he still felt, JD's body simply couldn't keep up the stream of sobs, and they finally trailed off, though tears still slid down his cheeks, soaking into Perry's shirt. He coughed, choking a little as he sniffed. He needed to blow his nose, but he didn't want to move just yet.
"Doesn't seem like it should be real," he murmured, gradually relaxing further as Perry's big hands rubbed his back, his shoulders. "But...I think I knew, when they didn't pick up. I should've been there, should've...should've..." He trailed off, into fresh tears.
Now, Perry spoke without hesitation. "No," he whispered. "No, it shouldn't be real, but JD--it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything for them, even if you'd managed to get there in time. Chances are good they began to Change as soon as you did anyway." He shook his head, and briefly squeezed JD even tighter before relaxing his arms back to their gentle hold. "You would probably have just gotten yourself killed, trying to get to them, and what good would that have done anyone?"
"But..." JD began, then trailed off, not certain what he was going to say. The hell of it was, he knew Perry was right. But it didn't stop him from thinking he should've fixed it all, somehow. He'd always been the one in the family who was going to do great things. He'd grown up knowing their hopes were on him. And he couldn't help feeling he'd let them down. Or feeling alone without them, even if he hadn't seen them in months.
He sighed, and coughed again, pulling away slightly. "Need to blow my nose...I can't breathe..." He hoped Perry would still be willing to hold him, when he finished.
Perry released him reluctantly, and waited patiently while JD turned away, grabbed a paper towel from the counter and blew. When he was finished, he tossed the towel into the trashcan and turned back toward Perry, lip held fast within his teeth. His eyes flickered down to Perry's chest, then back up to his face, and his posture was hesitant, if hopeful. "I'm, uh... I'm sorry, I got your shirt wet..."
Perry shook his head, cutting him off, and held out his arms again. "Come on, Newbie," he said gently. "Get back here."
JD obeyed, pressing close gratefully once more.
* * *
A few hours later, JD sat in front of the couch holding Jack in his arms, still trying to make sense of everything. He'd called back, when he'd finally been able to let go of Perry, and spoken with an officer at length. He'd had to admit he wouldn't be able to fly out to take care of arrangements, which had almost made him break down again when he'd gotten off the phone, but Perry had been there for him.
There was some sports thing on TV, just now, but he wasn't paying much attention. Instead, he watched the flames in the fireplace, felt the warm, heavy weight of the child asleep in his arms, and tried desperately not to think.
He was having only partial success.
Perry, on the other hand, had slipped quietly into a supportive role--digging up a box of Kleenex, which he set next to JD, moving a trashcan nearby for the used tissues, fixing him a mug of cocoa--but he hadn't spoken, much. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and run the risk of making JD break down again. So when he'd done all he could think to do, he sat next to JD on the floor, about two feet from where the younger man was staring blankly at the fireplace, and watched him from the corner of his eye.
JD glanced over at Perry. In any other situation, he'd be tempted to smile. Perry was being so careful...so hesitant. It was actually rather sweet. But JD didn't have the energy to tell him to relax. Besides, he knew he did rather resemble an active explosive at the moment. Any wrong motion could set him off.
"I almost wish I could be at work, you know?" he said softly, after a few moments, his voice still rough. "Could concentrate on that, not have to just sit here and think...I've never been all alone like this before. I thought I'd have a long time yet..."
Perry frowned, confused. "How do you mean?" he said softly.
JD shifted a little. "I always thought by the time my family was...was gone, I'd have one of my own. And that I'd still have Dan. But now...I don't. There's no one that, you know, has to be there for me, or will care no matter what..." He sighed, closing his eyes tightly for a moment. "Don't have any family, now." His voice was soft, dull, but there was a thread of deep pain underlying it.
Perry scowled, suddenly a little angry. "Don't say that," he said, voice low and insistent. "God, JD, look around you. You've got Turk, who is more of a brother to you than Dan ever was anyway--you've got Carla, who was so worried when you vanished that she was walking around the halls of the hospital halfway in tears every damned day. You've got Elliot, and even if you two never do get it together, you know she'll never abandon you. You've got me..." he trailed off, for a moment hesitant, but at the hopefully look in JD's eyes he firmed his resolve. "You've got me," he said again. "And Jack. We're your family, too. And I hope you've figured out by now that I care--that I'm here, no matter what."
JD's protests, that Turk and Carla would get married and move on, that he didn't really feel that way about Elliot anymore, that it wasn't the same...They all died, when Perry kept talking. "You and Jack, huh?" he asked, managing a small smile. "No matter what?" He held Jack closer, wishing he dared reach out for Perry, but figuring he shouldn't, since the other man had sat down carefully out of arm's reach.
"As long as you want us," Perry replied, giving JD a half smile.
"Sure you want me around forever?" JD's smile grew a little, and he seemed to relax, wings releasing the tension that he'd held them in. "That helps. A lot." He leaned closer to Jack. "Hear that? I get to be there for you all the time, now...Your daddy said so."
He didn't realize Perry overheard him.
Perry watched the two of them, wondering why he felt so disappointed. What had he expected, though? The kid's family just died--and Perry's offer to let JD into his own messed-up life was probably not much of a consolation prize.
But after a moment, the true meaning of JD's words began to sink in. He'd offered JD a place in his family for as long as he wanted. And JD had answered that theoretical time frame with "forever." Sure, his voice had been joking--but his eyes had not. They had, in fact, reflected a quiet desperation--a silent begging for Perry to mean it.
He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. God, the kid had gone through more in the last month than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. It wasn't fair that all Perry could offer him--all the universe had offered him in return had been him. JD deserved so much more, and Perry knew he could never give him all he really deserved.
But if JD really wanted it--or at least as long as he thought he did--Perry was prepared to offer him whatever he asked for.
JD let out another long breath, leaning his head back against the couch. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, or what I'm supposed to do," he said quietly. "I can't...I can't even go back for their funerals, not like this. I told Dan I'd see him at Christmas, and then I switched shifts on purpose so I'd have to work. I hated going back there, but...I never wanted this. I thought I had time to fix things with them, you know?" He shook his head sighing. "You'd think being a doctor and seeing death every day, I'd be better prepared for how to handle it..."
Perry slid a little closer, wishing JD's wings didn't hinder his ability to sit next to the young man. He settled for sitting before him, instead, his hand inches from JD's knee. "It's never easy when it's your family, Newbie," he said softly.
JD looked over at him, wishing he could just crawl into Perry's arms and lay his head on his shoulder, curl up close. But even if Perry would've let him, his wings would've probably been in the way... "Have to make sure and work things out with people, now. Not leave things unfinished..." He shook his head a little, blinking as more tears welled up. Fuck, he was like a factory for them...
"I should call Carla and Turk. They wanted to know if I'd heard from home...But I don't want to do it. I don't want to...to have to say it out loud again..." He pinched the bridge of his nose, and finally sighed. "I feel pathetic. I know I'm not, but..." He trailed off, knowing he was talking just to talk, to keep himself from thinking, remembering. Because if he started doing that, he wouldn't be able to stop, and the tears would be worse.
"I'll call them, if you want," Perry offered, reaching out hesitantly and taking JD's hand in his. "I'll let them know."
JD squeezed his fingers. "Really? I...thanks. God, I'm exhausted. I think...I'm gonna grab a shower, and try and get some sleep. You mind if I try to fit myself on the couch for a nap? I don't...don't want to be alone, just now."
Perry frowned. "I don't think you'll fit, kid," he admitted. "But if you want, I'll stay upstairs with you until you fall asleep."
JD hesitated. "Really?"
Perry nodded immediately, squeezing JD's hand in his again. "Of course," he murmured. "Whatever you need, okay?"
"All right," JD agreed, looking down a little shyly. "I guess it makes more sense than tossing the cushions on the floor, anyway. And Perry?" He looked up again, meeting the older man's eyes. "Thank you. I...I can't even say how much."
Perry shook his head dismissively, getting to his feet and pulling Jack from JD's arms before offering him a hand-up. "Don't worry about it, kid," he said. "It's the least I could do."
JD took his hand, letting Perry pull him to his feet. "Maybe I'll wait on the shower...Still feel all gross, though."
"Up to you," Perry shrugged, but upon seeing JD sway on his feet a little, he frowned, reaching out to grab his uninjured arm. "On second thought, maybe waiting would be best."
JD blushed, but leaned against him for a second before getting his balance. "Yeah...Um." He hesitated. The bed in his room was smaller, but he didn't truly think Perry wanted to curl up with him. So that's where he headed, holding onto the staircase railing on the way up.
Perry frowned when JD turned into his room. "Where you heading, kid?"
JD paused. "Uh...To bed?"
Perry shook his head. "Nah, not in there you're not," he said quietly. "Come on. I'm going to put Jack down too, and he sleeps better when someone's with him." He raised an eyebrow. "As long as you don't mind, of course."
JD smiled a little shyly and shook his head. "Not at all. I like napping with him..." He followed Perry to the big bedroom, carefully stretching himself out on the bed, trying to keep from pinching his wings, or putting any pressure on his injured arm. It took a few tries. "Ugh, stupid wings..."
"Jack had the right idea," Perry agreed, as his sleepy son automatically folded his wings and slid them into the slits on his back, a trick he'd learned a day prior. Perry moved forward, crawling onto the bed, being careful of JD's wings. He set Jack down next to JD, who lifted his arm and curled it over the drowsing child protectively. His wing also came up and snugged around Jack, seemingly of its own volition; Perry smiled at the sight, though it was half-hearted. The remembered tracks of tears on JD's face were still fresh enough to remind him of JD's loss--one that he knew hadn't really hit the younger doctor yet, despite his sobs.
When it does, though, I'll be here, he vowed silently. I won't leave him to face this alone.
JD, who had been looking at Jack with a soft, sad smile on his face, looked up at Perry in alarm when Perry shifted back. "You...you're not leaving yet, right?" he said, then bit his lip, aware of how pathetic that made him sound. "I mean, I just... I..."
Perry waved him off. "I'm not leaving, kid," he said, readjusting himself so he sat leaning against the headboard, a silent guardian over JD and Jack. "Try to get some sleep, okay?"
JD nodded, relaxing again when Perry settled down. He hesitantly let his wing relax again, brushing against the other man's leg as he closed his eyes, and let the exhaustion drag him down into a deep, dreamless sleep.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and implied m/m attraction
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.Chapter listings: Contents Post
JD woke up late in the morning wondering if he'd been run over by a truck. And hoping he could persuade it to back over his head and put him out of his misery. "Fuck..." he groaned, starting to push himself up, and stopping when it drove a spike of pain through his arm. Great. Just great.
Finally, through a combination of careful rolling and scootching, he got himself out of bed, wings sore from too much flying rather painfully held against his back. When he finally stumbled downstairs, after splashing water on his face in the bathroom and taking a leak, he found Perry on the couch, staring at a news report on the TV, and Jack in his swing, watching the snow fall outside.
Snow. A shitload of it. Great.
"Mornin'," he muttered, scrubbing his good hand through his hair, keeping the other still, held across his stomach. "Is there coffee?"
Perry pointed toward the counter where a pot was bubbling. "Cups in the cupboard above the stove," he said, not taking his eyes from the news. "How's the shoulder?"
JD winced, rotating it. "Sore, but I'll live," he said.
Perry glanced at him only briefly before looking back at the television. "Looks like we're gonna be pretty well snowed in," he said. "Storm hit at about seven thirty--it's been going strong ever since. Think we've probably got over a foot and a half by now. On top of what we got last night, I mean."
JD closed his eyes. "Great," he muttered. He'd just made the biggest mistake of his life: admitting, both to himself and to the man in question, that he was in love with Perry Cox. And now he was officially trapped out here with him. He knew he wouldn't be able to fly until his arm healed; the flapping just put too much stress on the muscles of his shoulder, and if he tried he would probably open the wound again.
Not to mention I'd get lost in all this snow, he thought, staring out at it as it swirled down in sheets so thick he couldn't even see the tree line, not thirty yards from the house.
He poured himself a cup of coffee and walked over to the couch, sliding to the floor in front of it (it was easier to deal with his wings that way), keeping himself a careful distance from Perry. He sipped at the coffee and then relaxed a little, when it proved to be good. Bless Jordan and her expensive taste. He took another long sip, and relaxed a bit more. "God, I'm sore...No more flying that far in two days again. Can't believe I was thinking of going to Ohio yesterday..."
Perry looked at him sharply. "You were what, now?"
"I was thinking of flying out to check on Dan and my mom...I can't get a hold of them." JD looked down in his mug, and sighed. "I wasn't seriously considering it, not really; it'd take fucking forever and it's not safe, but...I'm worried. They're not answering the phones. Any of them. They hadn't seen Dan at the bar, but... I dunno. I guess that's nothing new, he disappears sometimes." He half-shrugged, and took another drink of coffee, looking over at Jack, feeling suddenly oddly adrift. "They're okay, though, right?"
"Of course they are," Perry said instantly, leaping at the chance to talk about something real without the chance of embarrassing himself. Again. "They're probably just busy, or maybe they're camped out like we are--things are crazy right now."
JD nodded, letting out a slow breath. "Yeah. Yeah, they're fine. I'll try again later..." He settled back to finish his coffee, watching Perry from the corner of his eye. The other man didn't seem to want to talk about the night before...so JD decided to keep his mouth shut, as well. Pretend it hadn't happened. "Did you get a hold of Carla? I should probably call her later, see how Turk's doing. Hope he'll finish before she starts..."
"I called her," he said, deciding not to mention that she'd been as frightened as he had, at JD's tardiness. "She said Turk's doing fine. He's growing fur, apparently."
JD giggled. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's becoming some kind of dog-taur."
Perry frowned. "I... didn't know those existed."
JD shrugged. "Apparently they do now," he replied. "People are becoming half animal, or taking on animal attributes, and I guess becoming half something four-legged doesn't limit itself to horses."
Perry winced. "Lord. Just imagine how difficult it would be to get used to something like that. You had enough trouble just with the wings, and they're nothing next to essentially growing another body."
JD nodded, but his face was thoughtful. "Once mine grew in completely, though, I just... I knew where they were, and I could move with them as though I'd had them my whole life. I think it's why I could fly immediately." He glanced up at Perry from his position on the floor. "I think if people accept the Change, and listen to it, they'll adapt much more quickly than they would have otherwise."
Perry lifted his eyebrows and shrugged. "You're the expert," he conceded, and for once there was no sarcasm in his tone when he said it. "I hope you told all this to Gandhi?"
JD nodded again. "Yeah," he said, turning back to the news to watch the latest on the rioting. "Yesterday was basically a pep-talk session about how to listen to his body, and accept that the changes he was going through were perfectly natural. I felt like I was teaching a sixth grade health class."
Perry snorted, a grin on his face, and JD felt a twinge of hope. Perry might not be interested in him, but maybe the damage wasn't as extensive as he'd first thought. Maybe they could keep being friends, and Perry really had let last night go. JD had been really tired, after all...
He swallowed, dithering. Part of him wanted to let it go and never bring it up, ever. But another part of him--the part that warned him arrogantly of karma--told him that if they left the air uncleared, this could come back to haunt him, maybe in a day, a week, or a year, but one day, for sure.
Perry noticed the younger man watching him and felt himself color slightly. "Something up, Newbie?" he said, doing his best to keep his voice light.
JD heard the discomfort anyway, though, and saw the flush, and turned away, his own ears burning. "No," he said, waving his hand in what he hoped was a casually dismissive manner. "Just... thinking."
"Ah."
JD waited until he was certain Perry was watching the TV again, then closed his eyes, barely biting back a little whimper of despair. God--looks like he was too soon in deciding they'd moved seamlessly past his little faux pas. He wondered how long it would stay this awkward between them.
Well, I certainly won't be helping things if I let myself get caught gazing at him like that, he reasoned bitterly. He's clearly uncomfortable by it, and that's the last thing I want.
He resolved to get himself under control, and began trying to gather the feelings he had for the older doctor and box them up deep inside himself. He could do that--he'd been doing it, he realized now, very nearly since the first moment he'd met Perry Cox. So now he knew--it wasn't like it was the first embarrassing thing he'd ever said to Perry, nor was it likely to be the last. He'd just have to ignore it, for now, and hope Perry would do the same, and they'd move on as best they could.
He silenced his Karma voice by reminding it what would happen if they pushed the subject: Perry wouldn't kick him out, of that JD was now certain, but things would be miserably awkward; they'd probably barely be able to speak to one another, or even be in the same room. And losing Perry means losing Jack, he reminded himself.
The Karma voice shut up.
JD drew a breath, then got to his feet, taking his empty cup of coffee into the kitchen. "Do we have any cereal?"
"Cabinet above the sink," Perry replied. "Bowls next to that, silverware in the drawer by the dishwasher."
Trying not to think how perfectly warm and domestic this scene would be, if it weren't so terribly awkward as well, JD poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and settled back down in front of the sofa.
* * *
The awkwardness seemed to fade, a bit, as the day dragged on. JD'd finally asked if they could switch off the news, when he again called home and got no answer. Perry had obliged with no argument, watching JD surreptitiously. His own hope was fading, that JD'd meant what he'd said when he'd arrived early that morning, so he resisted the unfamiliar but undeniable urge to hug him again, let him know it'd be all right.
Besides, the reports they'd seen that morning firmly reminded Perry he'd be lying, if he did tell JD there was no reason for worry. If the Change didn't killing them, Changelings were still having to deal with stores putting up "Humans Only" signs, with attacks if they dared go outside. Not to mention there were reports of strange animals in the wilderness, sightings of creatures who shouldn't exist.
And the wilderness itself seemed to be encroaching. People who could were pouring into cities, as late season blizzards and storms destroyed their outlying homes. If they were lucky, they found places to stay. The weather was going nuts, and the storm around them made more sense, in light of it. But the electricity stayed on, and the fire was warm. If it weren't for JD's worry about his family, and the unspoken tension between he and Perry, it might have been a relatively pleasant afternoon.
The next morning dawned to the same silent fall of snow, the same reports on the television, the same worry, the same breakfast, even, JD realized as he poured out his Lucky Charms. He ate, blocking out the sound of the TV, pretending to be absorbed in giving Jack bits of his cereal, trying to keep himself from calling home again.
They're fine, he told himself. And it'd be silly to call again so soon... Besides, Dan sleeps late, he wouldn't be up yet, I'll just wait a few more hours...
JD finished his food, changed Jack, and almost rejoiced when the boy got a bit fussy. He cradled him against his good shoulder, and started walking pacing through the living room, thinking to himself that maybe Perry would be touched to see how well he was taking care of the boy.
As it was, Perry couldn't help wondering how long it'd be before they killed each other. Because JD would not stop pacing, wings opening and closing against his back. "JD, just call them again, would you please? You're wearing a hole in the carpet."
JD stopped, blushing, but nodded, and handed Jack over. He picked up the phone, dialing the first number he'd ever known, and held it to his ear. It rang. Once, twice, three times...and someone picked up.
Perry started, hearing JD gasp, and then start talking. He smiled, turning back to the TV and rocking Jack a little. Now maybe JD would calm down, and honestly, it was about time that useless brother of his answer his phone.
But then Perry frowned, as he registered what JD was saying.
"Dan, hey," JD said, the relief clear in his voice. "It's about time you picked up--what? Who is--I'm his brother, John Dorian...Yes..."
Perry turned, his frown deepening, and saw JD's face had gone startlingly pale. His voice was trembling, when he continued to speak.
"Yes, Officer," he said, swallowing visibly. "She's... she's my mother. Please, what's going on?"
There was another pause, and JD's eyes suddenly went very wide; he lurched forward, free hand going out to grip the counter. Perry set Jack down on the couch and got to his feet, taking a few steps forward and watching JD with alarm.
"B...both of them...?" JD whispered, voice cracking a little. Then, rallying, he straightened; when he spoke again his voice was oddly calm. "Yes. Yes, I understand... thank you."
JD numbly hung up, though the officer was still talking to him. He turned to Perry, his face carefully and frighteningly blank. "They're dead, Perry," he said, voice dull. "Both of them."
Perry's eyes widened; he took another hesitant step forward. "What?" he whispered.
JD's eyes were still blank, but his breathing was beginning to come a little bit faster, and it hitched now and then, deep in his chest. "That... that was a police officer," he said. "They... Dan hadn't shown up to work for longer than usual, and with everything on the news they got worried, so they finally sent someone..." he shook his head. "They're gone. It--the Change, it killed them both."
Perry shook his head slowly, horror written clearly on his face. God...he wanted to help JD, but...what could he possibly say? 'I'm sorry' was so inadequate. He'd dealt with grieving family before, but this wasn't the family of a patient, whom he'd only have to see once before they vanished from his life. This was Newbie.
"JD?" he said gently, taking another hesitant step forward. "I'm so sorry. God, I really am."
"They're gone, Perry," JD whispered, eyes wide and staring at something unseen in the air between them. "They're dead, and God only knows where my dad is, and..." JD choked off, the numbness starting to fade. His knuckles were white, clenching the counter in front of him, and his breath hitched again. "They're gone..." And it was then the tears started, low ugly sobs ripping their way out of his chest.
"Ah, Jesus, JD..." Perry whispered, moving forward, but stopping in front of him, not knowing what to do. Before, he would have offered his arms, held him, let him cry--but things the last two days had been awkward, and strained, and Perry was none too certain any physical offerings of comfort would be well received.
JD tried to pull himself under control, tried to stop crying, though part of him knew he shouldn't feel ashamed--God, he'd lost his whole family. If that wasn't cause to cry, what was?
He couldn't stop thinking of the last time he'd seen Dan. How he'd promised to go home for Christmas, and then hadn't. How they'd fought...and now he was gone. No chance to turn his life around. No chance for them to get better at being friends. No chance to see his mom again, just tell her he loved her. No chance for...
He slumped over the counter, the sobs less ugly now, but deeper, and more painful. "I...I can't..." He turned his face to Perry, seeing the look of hopelessness on the other man's face, and again tried to crush the emotions down. But he couldn't. Whether it was the still-lingering physical exhaustion and pain of his flight, the emotional turmoil of the Change itself, the worry... He just didn't have the reserves to stop himself.
He moved from the counter, and reached out, hesitantly, toward Perry, thinking only that he desperately needed to feel the living warmth of another human being--then remembering that things were awkward between them, and letting his hand drop back to his side. He pulled his wings in tightly around his body instead, and buried his face in his hands, still crying.
Perry felt his own heart breaking under the weight of JD's grief. He decided to hell with it--JD wouldn't be human if he didn't want some form of physical comfort right now, and since Perry was the only one available who could understand JD's grief, well, damn it, he was going to offer it. Even if JD regretted it later, even if it made things more uncomfortable than they already were, Perry couldn't stand by and mumble platitudes while JD stood devastated before him.
He moved forward and laid a hand on JD's shoulder--firm enough to let the younger man know he was there, but light enough that JD could pull away if he so chose--and waited.
JD felt the touch, and couldn't stop himself from turning, burying his face in Perry's shoulder and winding his arms around his waist. He sobbed harder, feeling the other man's arms come around him. "I didn't even go home for Christmas..." he whimpered. It seemed a stupid thing to fixate on, but he couldn't help himself.
Perry held him close, eyes drifting shut, and rocked him a little. He didn't know what he could say that could even begin to ease the young man's pain, so he settled for simply being there. He slid his arms under the trembling wings to hold JD even closer, as JD's body shook with sobs. Perry's own throat tightened as his eyes burned sympathetically. He began making small, comforting noises--soft hums and whispers that he might make to soothe Jack.
Slowly, slowly, JD's trembling began to lessen, and his gasping sobs began to slow.
Broken though he still felt, JD's body simply couldn't keep up the stream of sobs, and they finally trailed off, though tears still slid down his cheeks, soaking into Perry's shirt. He coughed, choking a little as he sniffed. He needed to blow his nose, but he didn't want to move just yet.
"Doesn't seem like it should be real," he murmured, gradually relaxing further as Perry's big hands rubbed his back, his shoulders. "But...I think I knew, when they didn't pick up. I should've been there, should've...should've..." He trailed off, into fresh tears.
Now, Perry spoke without hesitation. "No," he whispered. "No, it shouldn't be real, but JD--it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything for them, even if you'd managed to get there in time. Chances are good they began to Change as soon as you did anyway." He shook his head, and briefly squeezed JD even tighter before relaxing his arms back to their gentle hold. "You would probably have just gotten yourself killed, trying to get to them, and what good would that have done anyone?"
"But..." JD began, then trailed off, not certain what he was going to say. The hell of it was, he knew Perry was right. But it didn't stop him from thinking he should've fixed it all, somehow. He'd always been the one in the family who was going to do great things. He'd grown up knowing their hopes were on him. And he couldn't help feeling he'd let them down. Or feeling alone without them, even if he hadn't seen them in months.
He sighed, and coughed again, pulling away slightly. "Need to blow my nose...I can't breathe..." He hoped Perry would still be willing to hold him, when he finished.
Perry released him reluctantly, and waited patiently while JD turned away, grabbed a paper towel from the counter and blew. When he was finished, he tossed the towel into the trashcan and turned back toward Perry, lip held fast within his teeth. His eyes flickered down to Perry's chest, then back up to his face, and his posture was hesitant, if hopeful. "I'm, uh... I'm sorry, I got your shirt wet..."
Perry shook his head, cutting him off, and held out his arms again. "Come on, Newbie," he said gently. "Get back here."
JD obeyed, pressing close gratefully once more.
* * *
A few hours later, JD sat in front of the couch holding Jack in his arms, still trying to make sense of everything. He'd called back, when he'd finally been able to let go of Perry, and spoken with an officer at length. He'd had to admit he wouldn't be able to fly out to take care of arrangements, which had almost made him break down again when he'd gotten off the phone, but Perry had been there for him.
There was some sports thing on TV, just now, but he wasn't paying much attention. Instead, he watched the flames in the fireplace, felt the warm, heavy weight of the child asleep in his arms, and tried desperately not to think.
He was having only partial success.
Perry, on the other hand, had slipped quietly into a supportive role--digging up a box of Kleenex, which he set next to JD, moving a trashcan nearby for the used tissues, fixing him a mug of cocoa--but he hadn't spoken, much. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and run the risk of making JD break down again. So when he'd done all he could think to do, he sat next to JD on the floor, about two feet from where the younger man was staring blankly at the fireplace, and watched him from the corner of his eye.
JD glanced over at Perry. In any other situation, he'd be tempted to smile. Perry was being so careful...so hesitant. It was actually rather sweet. But JD didn't have the energy to tell him to relax. Besides, he knew he did rather resemble an active explosive at the moment. Any wrong motion could set him off.
"I almost wish I could be at work, you know?" he said softly, after a few moments, his voice still rough. "Could concentrate on that, not have to just sit here and think...I've never been all alone like this before. I thought I'd have a long time yet..."
Perry frowned, confused. "How do you mean?" he said softly.
JD shifted a little. "I always thought by the time my family was...was gone, I'd have one of my own. And that I'd still have Dan. But now...I don't. There's no one that, you know, has to be there for me, or will care no matter what..." He sighed, closing his eyes tightly for a moment. "Don't have any family, now." His voice was soft, dull, but there was a thread of deep pain underlying it.
Perry scowled, suddenly a little angry. "Don't say that," he said, voice low and insistent. "God, JD, look around you. You've got Turk, who is more of a brother to you than Dan ever was anyway--you've got Carla, who was so worried when you vanished that she was walking around the halls of the hospital halfway in tears every damned day. You've got Elliot, and even if you two never do get it together, you know she'll never abandon you. You've got me..." he trailed off, for a moment hesitant, but at the hopefully look in JD's eyes he firmed his resolve. "You've got me," he said again. "And Jack. We're your family, too. And I hope you've figured out by now that I care--that I'm here, no matter what."
JD's protests, that Turk and Carla would get married and move on, that he didn't really feel that way about Elliot anymore, that it wasn't the same...They all died, when Perry kept talking. "You and Jack, huh?" he asked, managing a small smile. "No matter what?" He held Jack closer, wishing he dared reach out for Perry, but figuring he shouldn't, since the other man had sat down carefully out of arm's reach.
"As long as you want us," Perry replied, giving JD a half smile.
"Sure you want me around forever?" JD's smile grew a little, and he seemed to relax, wings releasing the tension that he'd held them in. "That helps. A lot." He leaned closer to Jack. "Hear that? I get to be there for you all the time, now...Your daddy said so."
He didn't realize Perry overheard him.
Perry watched the two of them, wondering why he felt so disappointed. What had he expected, though? The kid's family just died--and Perry's offer to let JD into his own messed-up life was probably not much of a consolation prize.
But after a moment, the true meaning of JD's words began to sink in. He'd offered JD a place in his family for as long as he wanted. And JD had answered that theoretical time frame with "forever." Sure, his voice had been joking--but his eyes had not. They had, in fact, reflected a quiet desperation--a silent begging for Perry to mean it.
He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. God, the kid had gone through more in the last month than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. It wasn't fair that all Perry could offer him--all the universe had offered him in return had been him. JD deserved so much more, and Perry knew he could never give him all he really deserved.
But if JD really wanted it--or at least as long as he thought he did--Perry was prepared to offer him whatever he asked for.
JD let out another long breath, leaning his head back against the couch. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, or what I'm supposed to do," he said quietly. "I can't...I can't even go back for their funerals, not like this. I told Dan I'd see him at Christmas, and then I switched shifts on purpose so I'd have to work. I hated going back there, but...I never wanted this. I thought I had time to fix things with them, you know?" He shook his head sighing. "You'd think being a doctor and seeing death every day, I'd be better prepared for how to handle it..."
Perry slid a little closer, wishing JD's wings didn't hinder his ability to sit next to the young man. He settled for sitting before him, instead, his hand inches from JD's knee. "It's never easy when it's your family, Newbie," he said softly.
JD looked over at him, wishing he could just crawl into Perry's arms and lay his head on his shoulder, curl up close. But even if Perry would've let him, his wings would've probably been in the way... "Have to make sure and work things out with people, now. Not leave things unfinished..." He shook his head a little, blinking as more tears welled up. Fuck, he was like a factory for them...
"I should call Carla and Turk. They wanted to know if I'd heard from home...But I don't want to do it. I don't want to...to have to say it out loud again..." He pinched the bridge of his nose, and finally sighed. "I feel pathetic. I know I'm not, but..." He trailed off, knowing he was talking just to talk, to keep himself from thinking, remembering. Because if he started doing that, he wouldn't be able to stop, and the tears would be worse.
"I'll call them, if you want," Perry offered, reaching out hesitantly and taking JD's hand in his. "I'll let them know."
JD squeezed his fingers. "Really? I...thanks. God, I'm exhausted. I think...I'm gonna grab a shower, and try and get some sleep. You mind if I try to fit myself on the couch for a nap? I don't...don't want to be alone, just now."
Perry frowned. "I don't think you'll fit, kid," he admitted. "But if you want, I'll stay upstairs with you until you fall asleep."
JD hesitated. "Really?"
Perry nodded immediately, squeezing JD's hand in his again. "Of course," he murmured. "Whatever you need, okay?"
"All right," JD agreed, looking down a little shyly. "I guess it makes more sense than tossing the cushions on the floor, anyway. And Perry?" He looked up again, meeting the older man's eyes. "Thank you. I...I can't even say how much."
Perry shook his head dismissively, getting to his feet and pulling Jack from JD's arms before offering him a hand-up. "Don't worry about it, kid," he said. "It's the least I could do."
JD took his hand, letting Perry pull him to his feet. "Maybe I'll wait on the shower...Still feel all gross, though."
"Up to you," Perry shrugged, but upon seeing JD sway on his feet a little, he frowned, reaching out to grab his uninjured arm. "On second thought, maybe waiting would be best."
JD blushed, but leaned against him for a second before getting his balance. "Yeah...Um." He hesitated. The bed in his room was smaller, but he didn't truly think Perry wanted to curl up with him. So that's where he headed, holding onto the staircase railing on the way up.
Perry frowned when JD turned into his room. "Where you heading, kid?"
JD paused. "Uh...To bed?"
Perry shook his head. "Nah, not in there you're not," he said quietly. "Come on. I'm going to put Jack down too, and he sleeps better when someone's with him." He raised an eyebrow. "As long as you don't mind, of course."
JD smiled a little shyly and shook his head. "Not at all. I like napping with him..." He followed Perry to the big bedroom, carefully stretching himself out on the bed, trying to keep from pinching his wings, or putting any pressure on his injured arm. It took a few tries. "Ugh, stupid wings..."
"Jack had the right idea," Perry agreed, as his sleepy son automatically folded his wings and slid them into the slits on his back, a trick he'd learned a day prior. Perry moved forward, crawling onto the bed, being careful of JD's wings. He set Jack down next to JD, who lifted his arm and curled it over the drowsing child protectively. His wing also came up and snugged around Jack, seemingly of its own volition; Perry smiled at the sight, though it was half-hearted. The remembered tracks of tears on JD's face were still fresh enough to remind him of JD's loss--one that he knew hadn't really hit the younger doctor yet, despite his sobs.
When it does, though, I'll be here, he vowed silently. I won't leave him to face this alone.
JD, who had been looking at Jack with a soft, sad smile on his face, looked up at Perry in alarm when Perry shifted back. "You...you're not leaving yet, right?" he said, then bit his lip, aware of how pathetic that made him sound. "I mean, I just... I..."
Perry waved him off. "I'm not leaving, kid," he said, readjusting himself so he sat leaning against the headboard, a silent guardian over JD and Jack. "Try to get some sleep, okay?"
JD nodded, relaxing again when Perry settled down. He hesitantly let his wing relax again, brushing against the other man's leg as he closed his eyes, and let the exhaustion drag him down into a deep, dreamless sleep.
* * *
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Re: Ignoring the sadness of commenting THRICE on your own comment...
Date: 3 Jan 2007 16:04 (UTC)I'm snatching the 13th chappie to read on the go, and I promise to comment later!
<3