Changeling: Chapter 26
4 March 2007 00:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randomweavingFic: Changeling
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.
Warning: High angst in this chapter.
Chapter listings: Contents Post
Perry stayed outside for nearly an hour, walking in idle circles, kicking at clumps of muddy snow, but JD didn't return. Finally, frozen, he went inside. The other three were sitting in a circle around the fireplace, talking in hushed undertones, but they shut up as soon as he walked in.
He rolled his eyes--subtle--but made no comment. Instead, he said, "Where's Jack?"
"Napping," Carla said eventually. "Elliot and I put him down just after..." she trailed off, looking uncomfortable, and Perry nodded his thanks, flushing a little. He headed up to check on Jack; his son was sleeping soundly, wings opening and closing like those of a butterfly on a flower, and he couldn't help but smile, though it was a little sad. He leaned forward and stroked the boy's cheek, and Jack turned his head toward him, making a small, sleepy noise.
"Hey, kiddo," he whispered, moving his fingers to stroke Jack's hair. "Daddy loves you, you know it? He loves you a lot. Don't forget it, okay?"
Jack yawned and turned, squirming a little as he settled more deeply into his blankets, and Perry sighed, heart aching as he withdrew his fingers. He turned, wandering over to the window and staring out listlessly, and only moved back toward the door when he heard the soft pad of feet climbing the stairs, and Turk's voice call, "JD?"
"He's not up here," Perry replied, moving to the door and peering out at the surgeon. "He took off about an hour ago. Literally."
Turk frowned. "You sure? We didn't see him come down the stairs..."
Perry gave him a look. "That's because he didn't," he replied shortly, then vanished back into Jack's room, shutting the door behind him. He sighed when he heard Turk moving back down the stairs, but despite his earlier efforts at friendship with the surgeon, he didn't feel like caring just then. It'd be easier, this way. He waited until he heard them leave before opening the door again.
He spent most of the day on the computer, after taking a brief, half-assed inventory of their food. Because he'd not been packing away as much as he'd claimed to be the past week, they had quite a bit more than JD had assumed; they were low on perishables, but Sean would be bringing those. As soon as he'd gotten what remained of their rations in some semblance of order, making way for the new supplies JD had sent out for, he hurried back into the den, settling himself in front of JD's laptop and getting to work.
At first, his search was fruitless; the articles he found were all about the Change, or rejection, but none seemed interested in any of the strange creatures that had been appearing. Eventually, frustrated, he began following links at random, and was just about to give up the search as hopeless and denounce his dream as meaningless when he finally ran across a headline that caught his eye.
Strange Sightings Continue: Little Blue Men?
He felt a thrill of excitement, and leaned forward, reading on.
Seatle, WA: Reports of strange creature sightings are hardly unusual these days, but this may be something new.
A local school teacher was on her way to class when she saw three unusual beings crossing the road before her. She stopped her car, but claims the creatures vanished before she could get a better look.
"They were tall," the teacher, who declined to be identified, reported. "Their skin was sort of blue, and they had fairy wings."
This was not the first sighting of such creatures; reports have begun cropping up across the state and even into Oregon and parts of California.
Are these strange creatures a new breed of Changeling, or something else entirely?
Perry did not have a whole lot of time to ponder this finding before the crunch of gravel warned him of an arriving truck. Bookmarking the page, he hurried outside and helped the deliveryman unload, chiming in when the man attempted to engage him in conversation, though his mind was miles away.
Once the man drove away, Perry leaned into the truck and honked the horn--the signal to the others that it was all clear for them to return, should they wish to do so--then hurried back inside, hoping to find something more on the new creatures before the others returned.
He wasn't sure why, and he wasn't sure how, but he felt strangely certain they held the answer he was looking for.
* * *
JD eventually joined the others in the clearing, but only to perch himself in a tree and watch them, waiting for the signal to go back to the house. He knew he was probably acting like a spoiled brat, but dammit...so was Perry. And he was tired of having to call the older man on his bullshit, so for now, he wasn't going to. Let Perry stew for a bit, first. If he wanted to play martyr, and couldn't take a simple offer of help without getting his panties in a bunch then...then...
Fuck.
"I'm an idiot," JD murmured to himself, letting his head thunk lightly against the tree trunk. What was he thinking, turning Perry into some sort of group pity project? He, of all people, should know how proud the older man was.
Fuck.
He slipped down from the tree, determined to apologize when he got back, and joined the others, reassuring them that everything would be okay, and could they drop it? They did, eventually, and got a game of football going, with Elliot and JD beating the others handily, due in large part to his total disregard of the no flying rule Turk tried to instate.
By the time they finally heard the horn and began the trek back to the cabin, they were all laughing, breathless, and thoroughly soaked with melted snow. And JD was certain he could apologize, offer to help again when the others weren't all there, and everything would be okay. Even if Perry still had his doubts, maybe if they were working together toward a common goal again, Perry would at least talk to him.
* * *
When he heard the breathless laughter and clatter of hooves and paws, Perry logged off the website he'd been browsing and closed the laptop, dashing back to the kitchen where he had a large pot of stew simmering on the stove. He picked up the wooden spoon and had just started stirring it again when the garage door open and the group tromped in, faces flushed, grinning and out of breath.
He raised an eyebrow. "Looks like you guys had a good time," he commented, at once glad and slightly stung to see how quickly JD had apparently recovered. Then again, it might make what he had to do a little easier...
He swallowed. He was not looking forward to it, but he'd decided, during his research, that the only way to really get to the bottom of this thing was to track down these creatures himself, and find out what they knew.
And JD would not be coming with him; of that, Perry was absolutely certain. It was too dangerous. Based on what he'd learned of these creatures--the Fae, as people were claiming they were called--no one was entirely sure what their intentions were toward mankind. The few encounters that had been reported were all vague, and the people who had spotted the Fae all seemed to be left with a rather chilled impression of them. There hadn't been any overt attacks, sure, but there hadn't been any overt gestures of friendship either. Perry simply wasn't willing to take the risk of bringing JD along, should the Fae turn out to be dangerous. It wasn't JD's problem to deal with, after all--it was Perry's. And he'd deal with it on his own, like he always did.
Unfortunately, there was only one way JD would agree to being left behind.
"Would've been better if JD wasn't a cheat..." Turk started to grumble, then frowned when Carla started tugging at his arm. "What?"
Carla glowered at him, and said, "Weren't we going to go try to cut the burrs out of your fur?"
Turk stared at her blankly, but when she jerked her head toward JD and Perry, his eyes widened. "Oh. Oh! Right! Yeah...okay." He moved obediently up the stairs, and Carla turned to Elliot, who'd been eyeing the stew simmering on the stove and had apparently missed the entire exchange.
"Elliot," Carla said. "Come on, you have to help me."
The centauress stared at her for a second. "With what?"
Carla made a noise in her throat that very much resembled a hiss, and grabbed Elliot's elbow, dragging her toward the stairs. They could hear her talking in hushed undertones, and Elliot's replies went from indignant and confused to embarrassed. They vanished in a series of muffled thumps as they climbed the stairs, and a moment later, JD heard the door behind them shut.
He shook his head, smirking a little. "Wow. Subtle." He ran a hand through his wet hair, then turned to Perry and smiled, very shyly. "I'm an ass, you know. I really am. I don't blame you for not wanting me around today."
Perry stared at him, eyebrows raised incredulously. "Excuse me?" he said. God, this was not going to be easy...especially not if JD was going to ruin it by being reasonable.
"I don't," JD said, shrugging, looking into Perry's face hesitantly. "I shouldn't have done that, not in front of the others--I know how you don't like asking for help, and I...look, it really wasn't any of my business, if you didn't want to tell me, and I shouldn't have thrown such a hissy fit about it. It doesn't matter to me if you ever finish Changing or not, I promise."
Perry drew a deep breath, steeling himself. You have to do this. For his sake. You have to. "It matters to me," he said softly.
"Okay," JD said, nodding, not letting himself be derailed. "Then we'll find out how to start it up again. But either way, I'll still love you just as much," he added, voice softening as he stared at Perry intently, trying to impart the truth of his words.
Oh, JD... Perry kept his face carefully blank, and lifted one eyebrow. "You really think that, don't you?" he murmured.
"Of course," JD replied, as if it should've been obvious. "Nothing's going to change how I feel about you."
Perry forced himself to keep his eyes on JD's. "What if something changed the way I felt about you?" he asked, very quietly.
"What...?" JD squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the bottom fall out of his stomach. He took a deep breath, trying to force his voice calm. "I wanted you the past three years, when I didn't think you cared, so I imagine not even that would change how I feel," he said slowly. Then, voice cracking a little, he added, "W-why?"
Perry turned away, no longer able to keep eye contact; he made a show of stirring the stew, instead, and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "I just don't know how well this is working," he said at last, quietly.
"You and me?" JD bit his lip hard, feeling his wings slump a little. Oh, God, this can't be real, this can't be... "Look," he said after a minute, "I...I'm really sorry I said things wrong, this morning...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry. But I think we've been really good together, un-until the past couple days..."
Perry sighed, turning around, and at the look on JD's face, he almost dropped the whole act. But remembering his task, remembering what danger he could be putting JD in if he relented, he simply shook his head. "I'm sorry, kid," he said. "I just...I don't know. Maybe it was the adrenaline of the whole situation, or the wings, or something, but I just..." He shrugged, and shook his head. "Whatever it was, it's...gone, I think."
"G-gone?" JD's face flashed all the pain those simple words caused him, before he closed down again, clenching his jaw. "So you were just...just playing me? What about...about Jack, about...about everything you s-said...?"
"No, JD," Perry said gently, forcing his face into a mask of pity. "I wasn't playing with you, I swear. I just..." he trailed off, running his hand over his curls. "I guess I just mistook affection for something else, that's all. And hey. You can still look after Jack. I couldn't tear that kid away from you if I wanted to." He smiled, trying for levity, even though his heart had already shattered.
"Fuck..." JD's voice broke, tears rising in his eyes. "You're not kidding, are you? All this, being with you...everything I wanted..." He bit his bottom lip hard, trying to keep from breaking down. "Well. I guess...I mean...I guess that's it. I can't make you love me. I'll...I'll move my stuff to the living room..."
"No," Perry said quickly. "You've got your wings to deal with, you can keep the master bedroom. I'll take the living room." He switched off the stove burner and turned, taking one step forward. "Hey," he said softly. "I care about you, kid. Don't doubt that. Just...not the way I thought I did, that's all." He studied JD's face carefully, starting to reach for him, then drawing back. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
JD nodded, tasting blood as his teeth bit harder. "Oh...okay. I've got to...I'm going to watch for...I gotta go." He grabbed his coat and ducked through the garage door.
Perry drew a deep breath, hands going to his hair; he stared at the ceiling, blinking quickly, but the tears came anyway. Fuck.
He was doing the right thing. Wasn't he? Shit, was it worth this, just to get his wings?
But that wasn't all it was, and he knew it. Eight more rejection patients had died after being released stable from hospitals. And he'd been exhausted lately, getting frequent dizzy spells, having heart palpitations. Much as he didn't want to deal with it, much as he wanted to pretend it wasn't true, he knew he couldn't keep ignoring the signs forever.
Unless he found a way to reverse it, the rejection was going to kill him.
He didn't know how much time he had. But he knew it was far, far less than he, JD, or anyone else originally thought.
But why not just let him help you? his heart begged. Why do you have to leave him like this?
He swallowed, eyes drifting shut. Because if I don't, he'll come after me, his head answered. He'll follow me anywhere, I know that--unless I make him truly believe I don't want him to. And I can't risk him getting hurt for my sake. Not ever again.
He lowered his hands, wiping at his eyes and coughing a few times, trying to get himself under control.
I'll go tonight. While he's still avoiding me. That'll be safest.
He had to do it. He knew he had to do it. And he knew that he had JD's safety and Jack's future at heart. It was the right thing--and it was the only way.
It didn't stop him from wanting to break down and sob, though.
He turned, sadly, to head upstairs and start packing. If he could get everything into one of the hiking backpacks he'd brought along before JD came back inside, and hide it somewhere, he could slip out as soon as the young man fell asleep.
* * *
JD stopped in the garage only long enough to struggle back into his coat before stumbling outside. And there the adrenaline that had kept him upright disappeared, and he slumped to the snow, wings coming up and around him as he lost the battle to hold back his tears.
Gone. Perry's love for him was gone. Maybe hadn't ever been. Everything he'd thought they both wanted, the moments shared together, the hope of a future, even as the world went mad...gone.
He would've thought the other man was lying, but...he'd been so kind about it, so gentle, so obviously reluctant to say his piece. Even JD's imagination couldn't come up with another answer. I'm a fool. How could I ever think it'd be real? As soon as my friends came back, and he remembered the real world, who I really am...And as soon as Jordan called, saying she was leaving for good. He must've realized I was just some dumb kid with a crush that he took advantage of...
JD's whole body shook, as low, ugly sobs ripped their way out of him, and his wings trembled with the force. He was alone again, and it hurt worse than it ever had before.
* * *
The sounds of sobbing met Perry's ears as soon as he stepped into the bedroom. He slumped, barely muffling a groan, and hurried to the window, looking down.
JD was curled against the side of the house, whole frame bent dejectedly, body shaking with the force of his tears. Perry swallowed, blinking hard, bringing one hand up to press against the windowpane. He drew a shaky breath and released it on a half-sob, pressing his brow to the window and stroking his fingertips against the cold glass, outlining the image of JD's wings.
"I'm sorry," he whimpered, voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry, JD, I'm sorry..."
He couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough. What if he died, going after the Fae--could he leave JD like this? Thinking...God, thinking what Perry said was true--that he didn't love him anymore?
Tell him, his heart begged. Please, please, tell him.
"I can't," he whispered back, but it was a weak sound. "I can't let him risk himself... I can't..."
But you can't leave him like this, either, can you?
Perry lowered his head. "No," he whispered. "No, I can't."
For a moment he was silent, listening to the sound of JD's sobs, absorbing his pain and accepting it as his own. Then, suddenly, he straightened.
A letter!
That was it--he'd leave him a letter. Tell him in no uncertain terms how he really felt, and let him know just how sorry he was. For everything.
He stood and hurried to the closet, pulling out the boxes of things they'd brought to keep them entertained. Surely there'd be paper in here, somewhere...
Ah! He pulled out the legal pad triumphantly, returning to root for a pen, and settled down in front of the window to write.
And write he did. The pen flew over the paper, sloppy and shaking, his trembling hand making his handwriting worse than usual. His tear drops fell onto the pad as well, smudging the ink a little, but he dabbed them up carefully, finishing his letter and tearing it from the pad. He folded it twice, and scrawled "JD" on the front, underlining it with sturdy strokes, before getting to his feet and looking around.
He had to hide it--somewhere JD would be sure to find it, eventually, but not right away. Somewhere that, should Perry never return, JD would eventually end up looking.
The closet was as good a place as any, he finally decided.
He walked back over to the door, and reached for the box at the back. JD would probably dig it out eventually, but by then, Perry would have been gone too long for him to bother coming after him, surely--
He paused, suddenly realizing that the box wasn't one they'd brought with them. He frowned, leaning forward, and pulled it out--then opened his eyes wide, when he realized what it was.
Yearbooks. Ben's, from the looks of it, but there were a few of Jordan's in there too, and--his eyes widened further.
God. How...how was this even here?
He brushed his hand over the dusty leather cover, reading the gold title imprinted against the dark green binding.
University of California, San Diego Medical School, Class of 1989.
He closed his eyes. Jordan. He'd given it to Jordan. He remembered now. And she must have brought it here, stored with the rest of her and Ben's yearbooks...
He shook himself, and flipped open the dusty cover, looking for the page he knew so well.
Posed pictures of him didn't take well, most of the time. His smile, unless it was a genuine, caught off-guard smile, always looked more like a grimace at best, or a snarl at worst. But there was a picture of him in this yearbook--the reason Jordan had wanted it in the first place, actually--that had actually managed to capture him without making him look frightened or frightening. The photographer, either by skill or some freak accident, had done what professional photographers strove to do. He'd captured a real moment.
Perry nodded once, slipping the letter into the book on that page and snapping it closed. If he didn't return, well...someday, hopefully, JD would find it, and would understand what Perry had been trying to say, in the letter, and by marking that photo.
"I'm yours, John," he whispered, hugging the book to his chest for a moment as one last tear slid down his cheek. "This is really me--I'm sorry I had to leave you thinking anything otherwise."
He was just getting ready to put the book back into its box when a sudden noise from outside caught his attention--the sound of an engine, and the crunch of tires on gravel.
He heard Elliot cry out, "Sean!" and heard the resulting thunder of hooves as she dashed down the stairs. Perry rose to his feet, the book slipping from his hands, half-forgotten, falling into one of the boxes.
He ignored it, hurrying out into the hallway, scrubbing at his face, and saw Carla and Turk already heading down the stairs, chasing after Elliot.
"He's here?" Perry asked, and Carla looked up at him, a smile on her face. "He'd certainly better be," she replied. "Or Elliot just about broke her neck for no reason."
Perry chuckled a little, though it was half-hearted, and followed her down the stairs. At least Sean being here will be a distraction, he thought. Maybe--just maybe--it'd be enough to make JD forget, or at least enough to help him focus on something else, until Perry was gone.
He could only hope.
* * *
JD pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his face clear of tears, when he heard the sound of an engine. He hoped to God it was Sean, not another jackass with a shotgun or something--but then no one else had found them, the mountain roads slick enough to discourage attempts. And he didn't have long to worry, as the van came into view, and Elliot burst out of the door beside him.
"He's here, JD, he's here!" She turned and caught him up in a huge hug, before pausing, getting a look at his face, taking in the streaks of tears, the drawn, pale features. Her own eyes went wide, and for a moment, she appeared to forget about the arrival of her boyfriend. "JD..." she breathed. “What happened?”
"Later," he replied, voice only wavering a little as he shook his head and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.” Then, when she was clearly undeterred, he nodded back toward the minivan which was now pulling to a stop in the driveway, behind Jordan’s truck. “Look," he murmured. “He’s here.”
Elliot turned back toward the vehicle, biting her lip, looking torn between wanting to rush up to greet him and feeling too nervous to do so. And Sean was not moving--or rather he was, but JD couldn’t tell what exactly he was doing. The van engine stopped, lights going off, but the front door wasn’t opening, and the van was rocking slightly as Sean moved about inside.
“What on earth…?” JD murmured, squinting, trying to see in through the tinted windows.
A moment later, he didn’t have to--Sean had slid backwards, now in the back of the van--the driver’s seat either didn’t have a back, or it was completely reclined, because JD couldn’t see it--and after a few more seconds, there was a click as the sliding door in the back suddenly came open.
Sean’s head vanished, ducking down. And in the next instant, the hindquarters of a chestnut bay centaur appeared, hooves seeking and finding purchase in the wet gravel of the driveway.
As JD and Elliot watched, both too stunned to move, the hooves moved backward, the rest of a the horse's body appearing, then Sean’s torso, and arms, as he grabbed the side of the van to guide himself free.
Then he was standing next to the vehicle, wearing a tan corduroy jacket and a pair of brown gloves, one of his back hooves lifting a little before settling awkwardly to the ground. “Elliot?” he called, sounding uncertain.
Still standing beside JD, Elliot released a soft whimper, one that might’ve been, “Oh!”
JD glanced up at her, and smiled, nudging her shoulder. “Go on, then,” he said. “Giddy-up.”
It was all the encouragement she needed. She surged past him, galloping down the slope of gravel, rearing up a little when she reached Sean and throwing her arms around him. The sound of her choked laughter drifted back through the chilly air, and he could hear her squealing against his shoulder, tail swishing the way it did when she was animated, hooves doing a tiny little dance in the rocks. Sean was laughing, too, holding her tight, and JD could barely make out the sound of his voice murmuring, “I knew it, I just knew it…”
Carla and Turk appeared beside him moments later, and Carla gasped, hands flying to her mouth. "Oh, my gosh," she breathed, an awed smile on her face. "Would you look at them?"
JD did. Sean’s lower half was a lustrous coppery brown, one which blended seamlessly into gleaming black on his legs and in his tail. He had obviously been taking care of himself, too--his muscles rippled under the well-groomed coat, in the half-light of the overcast day, and his tail was sleek and glossy. Next to Elliot's palomino cream and shimmering silvery-white tail, they were the perfect contrast--not that either of them seemed remotely interested in the fact. They were both clearly too lost in one another's eyes, smiling and talking softly. A tear trickled down Elliot's face, and she laughed brokenly when Sean bent to kiss it away.
"They're perfect for each other," JD said, his voice not as dull as he'd feared it would be. But he pulled his wings in tight around himself, feeling suddenly cold as Turk held Carla close.
Perry watched from inside the garage, the tightness in his chest making it difficult to breathe as JD lowered his head, arms and wings coming up around his body defensively. He wanted to go to him, wanted so badly to hold him it was an actual physical ache in his arms.
Instead, he sighed, and ducked quietly back into the house, heading up the stairs. He could use this time while the others were distracted to pack.
JD shook off the concern he saw in Turk and Carla's eyes, and pulled his wings back, going over to greet Sean once Elliot finally released him enough that he could look up again. "Hey, dude,” he murmured, forcing a smile onto his face. “Nice tail."
"Nice wings," Sean replied with a grin. "This is quite a hide-out you guys have..."
"Yeah, Per…” he trailed off, tears rising swiftly to his eyes, but he forced them back. Don’t fall apart, don’t lose it, Dorian, come on… “Perry was lucky to get us the use of it. Dr. Cox," he added, when Sean look confused. Then, ducking his head and coughing a little to clear his throat, he said, "Why don't you and Elliot head in and we'll unload the truck? You guys will want some time alone..."
Elliot hesitated, biting her lip, glancing from Sean’s face to JD. “Are you sure…?” she murmured.
He waved her off. “I’m fine,” he said quietly. “You two need to be alone. Go on.”
Elliot watched him a moment longer, then eventually nodded, slowly. “Yeah,” she said. “Okay. Though actually…you’ve been driving for a while, Sean. Do you want to go for a run?”
“Good God, yes,” Sean said instantly, lifting one hoof and pawing at the pavement a little. He gave JD an odd look, but JD ignored it, focusing on moving forward to unload their things.
“Great!” Elliot said. “Come on, there’s a field about four miles up the road from here, it’s where we all go to release some energy…”
JD watched through the van window as she and Sean headed toward the road. He heard her suddenly squeal, “Race you!” and an instant later they were gone, galloping joyfully down the road, disappearing quickly around the corner.
JD smiled sadly after them, feeling fresh tears sting his eyes, but he tried to push them back as he climbed into the van. He glanced at the driver’s seat, which was fully reclined and more than a little crushed from the weight of Sean’s body, noting the hand controls by the steering wheel. So that's how he'd managed it... Sean had put blocks beneath the backrest to keep it from snapping off, too, and in lieu of snow chains, he’d put cinderblocks over the axles. JD lifted his eyebrows, impressed in spite of himself--it was a pretty impressive fix. Sean would clearly be good to have around.
Even if seeing him with Elliot would only serve as a constant reminder of just how alone he was, now.
He stopped trying to fight his tears, allowing himself a soft sob as they broke free and began to trickle hotly down his cheeks.
He heard the soft pad of footsteps approaching behind him, but didn’t turn around, focusing instead on gathering the bags of groceries and setting them carefully onto the driveway.
After a few more moments, Carla came up silently behind him, and he nearly dropped the bag of eggs when he turned around and realized she was there. "Bambi, what's--”
"I don't want to talk about it," he choked, cutting Carla off, if gently. "Not right now."
Carla bit her lip, then said quietly, "You know he would never mean to hurt you," she said. "You know that, right?"
JD slumped, setting the eggs down very gently before lowering himself to the floor of the van and hiding his face in his hands. “I know,” he choked, voice breaking.
"Oh, Bambi--what happened? Please tell me," Carla pressed gently. "Maybe I can help."
JD shook his head slowly. “He…he said…” he sobbed once, then rallied and finished in a rush: “He said he didn’t love me anymore.”
Carla gasped, taking a step backward, eyes wide. “He didn’t,” she whispered, looking horrified; behind her, Turk’s brows were drawn, and he looked stunned and furious at once.
“He did,” JD whispered, doing his best to steady himself as he climbed slowly, heavily to his feet again and turned to continue unloading. But he dropped his hand back to his side, unable to make himself care, and felt his wings slump, lowering his head to press against the cool metal side of the vehicle. “He meant it, too. He…he said he was sorry, but that w-whatever…whatever he’d felt for me was g-gone…”
"Oh, Bambi, I'm so sorry," Carla murmured, and JD felt her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.
He turned and curled into her, lowering his head to her shoulder. "I don't know what to do," he whispered. "Carla--I don't know what I did wrong. Why…why doesn’t he…?” And then the tears were falling again, and he curled closer, muffling a sob against her shirt when he felt Turk move in and wrap his arms around the both of them.
"It'll be okay, JD," Turk said softly. "You still have us, right?"
JD nodded, but couldn't stop crying. He knew he didn’t have to tell them it just wasn’t the same-- he knew they knew it as well as he did. "I just...everything was going so well…I don’t know what changed, but…fuck…" He tried to pull himself under control again, but it was difficult. Eventually, though, he drew a deep breath and mumbled, "I don't want to tell Elliot, okay? She deserves to just be happy tonight, and I'll…I’ll be okay…”
Carla rocked him, glancing at Turk over the top of JD's head. "Shh," she murmured. "It'll be okay, Bambi. I don't believe for one second that he really wants to end things--I’ve known that man for far too long to buy that. I’ve never seen him this happy. Look…” she pulled back, taking his face in her hands and wiping at his cheeks with her thumbs. “There has to be something else going on. I'll talk to him tomorrow, see if I can't figure out what it is." She smiled, if it was a little terse. “Chin up, Bambi,” she whispered, bending to press a chaste kiss against his lips. “We’ll figure this out.”
"Carla…th-thank you,” JD whispered, feeling a small twinge of hope blooming inside him. “He listens to you, at least."
“Damn right he does,” Carla said, letting her accent thicken and waggling her head in the cocky way she did when she was being particularly sassy. She winked at him, and he chuckled a little, weakly.
Then, pulling himself together, he wiped his face again. "God, the past two months have been..." He shook his head. "I need a vacation from my life for a while. Too many things keep happening in it."
Turk snorted, stepping forward a little awkwardly and wrapping one arm around JD’s shoulders. "You can say that again," he muttered.
Carla smiled at them. "Come on, boys," she said softly. "Let's unload this stuff and get out of the cold, what do you say?"
* * *
It took them about an hour, all said, to get everything from Sean's van and into the kitchen. After the first trip, Carla stayed inside to start unloading things into the appropriate cabinets or shelves in the fridge, while Turk and JD carried the rest of the boxes in. Along with perishables, Sean had brought a pretty good supply of canned foods and several five-gallon jugs of gasoline, which JD took around to the shed. As he and Turk stacked the last box into the nearly-overflowing garage, he reflected that even with the addition of another centaur, they could probably live here for quite a long time without having to contact the outside world.
He sighed ruefully as he realized that earlier that morning, the thought would've pleased him. Now, it just made him feel more lonely than ever.
Perry was conspicuously absent that night. He came downstairs long enough to greet Sean and grab a bit to eat, standing at the counter, but he did not stay, nor did he address JD directly for more than the most distant of pleasantries. He didn’t linger after dinner, though, for which JD was grateful, because whenever he was in the room the tension and discomfort were palpable. As soon as he’d finished eating and washing his dishes in the sink, he vanished up the stairs and left the others to their visiting.
It was only much later, after Turk and Carla had retired, and Elliot and Sean had officially worn Jack out and taken him up to his crib, did JD dare to approach his room. Perry had offered him the bedroom, but the others had occupied the den for so long that JD was half-certain the older doctor would’ve already fallen asleep. He knew he wouldn’t want to wake him, but he wasn’t certain he could fit onto the couch; he figured if Perry was asleep, JD would just snag his pillow and curl up in front of the fireplace.
Perry wasn't there. JD frowned, not sure where he could have gone, but feeling a painful sort of relief that he wouldn’t have to watch the older man sleeping, knowing he couldn’t join him on the mattress or curl up against him.
Slumping into the bed, he pulled the pillow from Perry’s side of the bed, hugging it tightly to his chest and breathing deeply of the other man’s scent. Alone now, aching and desperately missing the feel of the other man’s chest rising and falling beneath his ear and the comforting sound of his heartbeat, JD felt the tears welling up again. He did not try to stop them, burying his face in the pillow and draping his wings over himself, crying softly until he fell asleep.
Then, and only then, did Perry step out from the bathroom, where he'd hidden himself away when he heard JD enter.
He stood silently at the foot of the bed, already bundled in his hiking gear, backpack slung over his shoulder, and gazed down at JD’s sleeping figure. The younger man’s cheeks were streaked with tears, visible in the moonlight that filtered through the large window; even in sleep, his face was contorted in pain. Perry closed his eyes, fighting against the answering surge of sorrow that filled him and stung his eyes, and moved forward, slowly and silently. Once he was beside the younger man, he lowered himself to the mattress, leaning down and pressing the lightest of kisses upon JD's lips before pulling back again. "I love you," he whispered, only the faintest hint of breath passing through his lips. "I'm so sorry."
Then he turned, and was gone, slipping silently into the moonlit night, leaving no trace of himself behind.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.Warning: High angst in this chapter.
Chapter listings: Contents Post
Perry stayed outside for nearly an hour, walking in idle circles, kicking at clumps of muddy snow, but JD didn't return. Finally, frozen, he went inside. The other three were sitting in a circle around the fireplace, talking in hushed undertones, but they shut up as soon as he walked in.
He rolled his eyes--subtle--but made no comment. Instead, he said, "Where's Jack?"
"Napping," Carla said eventually. "Elliot and I put him down just after..." she trailed off, looking uncomfortable, and Perry nodded his thanks, flushing a little. He headed up to check on Jack; his son was sleeping soundly, wings opening and closing like those of a butterfly on a flower, and he couldn't help but smile, though it was a little sad. He leaned forward and stroked the boy's cheek, and Jack turned his head toward him, making a small, sleepy noise.
"Hey, kiddo," he whispered, moving his fingers to stroke Jack's hair. "Daddy loves you, you know it? He loves you a lot. Don't forget it, okay?"
Jack yawned and turned, squirming a little as he settled more deeply into his blankets, and Perry sighed, heart aching as he withdrew his fingers. He turned, wandering over to the window and staring out listlessly, and only moved back toward the door when he heard the soft pad of feet climbing the stairs, and Turk's voice call, "JD?"
"He's not up here," Perry replied, moving to the door and peering out at the surgeon. "He took off about an hour ago. Literally."
Turk frowned. "You sure? We didn't see him come down the stairs..."
Perry gave him a look. "That's because he didn't," he replied shortly, then vanished back into Jack's room, shutting the door behind him. He sighed when he heard Turk moving back down the stairs, but despite his earlier efforts at friendship with the surgeon, he didn't feel like caring just then. It'd be easier, this way. He waited until he heard them leave before opening the door again.
He spent most of the day on the computer, after taking a brief, half-assed inventory of their food. Because he'd not been packing away as much as he'd claimed to be the past week, they had quite a bit more than JD had assumed; they were low on perishables, but Sean would be bringing those. As soon as he'd gotten what remained of their rations in some semblance of order, making way for the new supplies JD had sent out for, he hurried back into the den, settling himself in front of JD's laptop and getting to work.
At first, his search was fruitless; the articles he found were all about the Change, or rejection, but none seemed interested in any of the strange creatures that had been appearing. Eventually, frustrated, he began following links at random, and was just about to give up the search as hopeless and denounce his dream as meaningless when he finally ran across a headline that caught his eye.
Strange Sightings Continue: Little Blue Men?
He felt a thrill of excitement, and leaned forward, reading on.
Seatle, WA: Reports of strange creature sightings are hardly unusual these days, but this may be something new.
A local school teacher was on her way to class when she saw three unusual beings crossing the road before her. She stopped her car, but claims the creatures vanished before she could get a better look.
"They were tall," the teacher, who declined to be identified, reported. "Their skin was sort of blue, and they had fairy wings."
This was not the first sighting of such creatures; reports have begun cropping up across the state and even into Oregon and parts of California.
Are these strange creatures a new breed of Changeling, or something else entirely?
Perry did not have a whole lot of time to ponder this finding before the crunch of gravel warned him of an arriving truck. Bookmarking the page, he hurried outside and helped the deliveryman unload, chiming in when the man attempted to engage him in conversation, though his mind was miles away.
Once the man drove away, Perry leaned into the truck and honked the horn--the signal to the others that it was all clear for them to return, should they wish to do so--then hurried back inside, hoping to find something more on the new creatures before the others returned.
He wasn't sure why, and he wasn't sure how, but he felt strangely certain they held the answer he was looking for.
* * *
JD eventually joined the others in the clearing, but only to perch himself in a tree and watch them, waiting for the signal to go back to the house. He knew he was probably acting like a spoiled brat, but dammit...so was Perry. And he was tired of having to call the older man on his bullshit, so for now, he wasn't going to. Let Perry stew for a bit, first. If he wanted to play martyr, and couldn't take a simple offer of help without getting his panties in a bunch then...then...
Fuck.
"I'm an idiot," JD murmured to himself, letting his head thunk lightly against the tree trunk. What was he thinking, turning Perry into some sort of group pity project? He, of all people, should know how proud the older man was.
Fuck.
He slipped down from the tree, determined to apologize when he got back, and joined the others, reassuring them that everything would be okay, and could they drop it? They did, eventually, and got a game of football going, with Elliot and JD beating the others handily, due in large part to his total disregard of the no flying rule Turk tried to instate.
By the time they finally heard the horn and began the trek back to the cabin, they were all laughing, breathless, and thoroughly soaked with melted snow. And JD was certain he could apologize, offer to help again when the others weren't all there, and everything would be okay. Even if Perry still had his doubts, maybe if they were working together toward a common goal again, Perry would at least talk to him.
* * *
When he heard the breathless laughter and clatter of hooves and paws, Perry logged off the website he'd been browsing and closed the laptop, dashing back to the kitchen where he had a large pot of stew simmering on the stove. He picked up the wooden spoon and had just started stirring it again when the garage door open and the group tromped in, faces flushed, grinning and out of breath.
He raised an eyebrow. "Looks like you guys had a good time," he commented, at once glad and slightly stung to see how quickly JD had apparently recovered. Then again, it might make what he had to do a little easier...
He swallowed. He was not looking forward to it, but he'd decided, during his research, that the only way to really get to the bottom of this thing was to track down these creatures himself, and find out what they knew.
And JD would not be coming with him; of that, Perry was absolutely certain. It was too dangerous. Based on what he'd learned of these creatures--the Fae, as people were claiming they were called--no one was entirely sure what their intentions were toward mankind. The few encounters that had been reported were all vague, and the people who had spotted the Fae all seemed to be left with a rather chilled impression of them. There hadn't been any overt attacks, sure, but there hadn't been any overt gestures of friendship either. Perry simply wasn't willing to take the risk of bringing JD along, should the Fae turn out to be dangerous. It wasn't JD's problem to deal with, after all--it was Perry's. And he'd deal with it on his own, like he always did.
Unfortunately, there was only one way JD would agree to being left behind.
"Would've been better if JD wasn't a cheat..." Turk started to grumble, then frowned when Carla started tugging at his arm. "What?"
Carla glowered at him, and said, "Weren't we going to go try to cut the burrs out of your fur?"
Turk stared at her blankly, but when she jerked her head toward JD and Perry, his eyes widened. "Oh. Oh! Right! Yeah...okay." He moved obediently up the stairs, and Carla turned to Elliot, who'd been eyeing the stew simmering on the stove and had apparently missed the entire exchange.
"Elliot," Carla said. "Come on, you have to help me."
The centauress stared at her for a second. "With what?"
Carla made a noise in her throat that very much resembled a hiss, and grabbed Elliot's elbow, dragging her toward the stairs. They could hear her talking in hushed undertones, and Elliot's replies went from indignant and confused to embarrassed. They vanished in a series of muffled thumps as they climbed the stairs, and a moment later, JD heard the door behind them shut.
He shook his head, smirking a little. "Wow. Subtle." He ran a hand through his wet hair, then turned to Perry and smiled, very shyly. "I'm an ass, you know. I really am. I don't blame you for not wanting me around today."
Perry stared at him, eyebrows raised incredulously. "Excuse me?" he said. God, this was not going to be easy...especially not if JD was going to ruin it by being reasonable.
"I don't," JD said, shrugging, looking into Perry's face hesitantly. "I shouldn't have done that, not in front of the others--I know how you don't like asking for help, and I...look, it really wasn't any of my business, if you didn't want to tell me, and I shouldn't have thrown such a hissy fit about it. It doesn't matter to me if you ever finish Changing or not, I promise."
Perry drew a deep breath, steeling himself. You have to do this. For his sake. You have to. "It matters to me," he said softly.
"Okay," JD said, nodding, not letting himself be derailed. "Then we'll find out how to start it up again. But either way, I'll still love you just as much," he added, voice softening as he stared at Perry intently, trying to impart the truth of his words.
Oh, JD... Perry kept his face carefully blank, and lifted one eyebrow. "You really think that, don't you?" he murmured.
"Of course," JD replied, as if it should've been obvious. "Nothing's going to change how I feel about you."
Perry forced himself to keep his eyes on JD's. "What if something changed the way I felt about you?" he asked, very quietly.
"What...?" JD squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the bottom fall out of his stomach. He took a deep breath, trying to force his voice calm. "I wanted you the past three years, when I didn't think you cared, so I imagine not even that would change how I feel," he said slowly. Then, voice cracking a little, he added, "W-why?"
Perry turned away, no longer able to keep eye contact; he made a show of stirring the stew, instead, and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "I just don't know how well this is working," he said at last, quietly.
"You and me?" JD bit his lip hard, feeling his wings slump a little. Oh, God, this can't be real, this can't be... "Look," he said after a minute, "I...I'm really sorry I said things wrong, this morning...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry. But I think we've been really good together, un-until the past couple days..."
Perry sighed, turning around, and at the look on JD's face, he almost dropped the whole act. But remembering his task, remembering what danger he could be putting JD in if he relented, he simply shook his head. "I'm sorry, kid," he said. "I just...I don't know. Maybe it was the adrenaline of the whole situation, or the wings, or something, but I just..." He shrugged, and shook his head. "Whatever it was, it's...gone, I think."
"G-gone?" JD's face flashed all the pain those simple words caused him, before he closed down again, clenching his jaw. "So you were just...just playing me? What about...about Jack, about...about everything you s-said...?"
"No, JD," Perry said gently, forcing his face into a mask of pity. "I wasn't playing with you, I swear. I just..." he trailed off, running his hand over his curls. "I guess I just mistook affection for something else, that's all. And hey. You can still look after Jack. I couldn't tear that kid away from you if I wanted to." He smiled, trying for levity, even though his heart had already shattered.
"Fuck..." JD's voice broke, tears rising in his eyes. "You're not kidding, are you? All this, being with you...everything I wanted..." He bit his bottom lip hard, trying to keep from breaking down. "Well. I guess...I mean...I guess that's it. I can't make you love me. I'll...I'll move my stuff to the living room..."
"No," Perry said quickly. "You've got your wings to deal with, you can keep the master bedroom. I'll take the living room." He switched off the stove burner and turned, taking one step forward. "Hey," he said softly. "I care about you, kid. Don't doubt that. Just...not the way I thought I did, that's all." He studied JD's face carefully, starting to reach for him, then drawing back. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
JD nodded, tasting blood as his teeth bit harder. "Oh...okay. I've got to...I'm going to watch for...I gotta go." He grabbed his coat and ducked through the garage door.
Perry drew a deep breath, hands going to his hair; he stared at the ceiling, blinking quickly, but the tears came anyway. Fuck.
He was doing the right thing. Wasn't he? Shit, was it worth this, just to get his wings?
But that wasn't all it was, and he knew it. Eight more rejection patients had died after being released stable from hospitals. And he'd been exhausted lately, getting frequent dizzy spells, having heart palpitations. Much as he didn't want to deal with it, much as he wanted to pretend it wasn't true, he knew he couldn't keep ignoring the signs forever.
Unless he found a way to reverse it, the rejection was going to kill him.
He didn't know how much time he had. But he knew it was far, far less than he, JD, or anyone else originally thought.
But why not just let him help you? his heart begged. Why do you have to leave him like this?
He swallowed, eyes drifting shut. Because if I don't, he'll come after me, his head answered. He'll follow me anywhere, I know that--unless I make him truly believe I don't want him to. And I can't risk him getting hurt for my sake. Not ever again.
He lowered his hands, wiping at his eyes and coughing a few times, trying to get himself under control.
I'll go tonight. While he's still avoiding me. That'll be safest.
He had to do it. He knew he had to do it. And he knew that he had JD's safety and Jack's future at heart. It was the right thing--and it was the only way.
It didn't stop him from wanting to break down and sob, though.
He turned, sadly, to head upstairs and start packing. If he could get everything into one of the hiking backpacks he'd brought along before JD came back inside, and hide it somewhere, he could slip out as soon as the young man fell asleep.
* * *
JD stopped in the garage only long enough to struggle back into his coat before stumbling outside. And there the adrenaline that had kept him upright disappeared, and he slumped to the snow, wings coming up and around him as he lost the battle to hold back his tears.
Gone. Perry's love for him was gone. Maybe hadn't ever been. Everything he'd thought they both wanted, the moments shared together, the hope of a future, even as the world went mad...gone.
He would've thought the other man was lying, but...he'd been so kind about it, so gentle, so obviously reluctant to say his piece. Even JD's imagination couldn't come up with another answer. I'm a fool. How could I ever think it'd be real? As soon as my friends came back, and he remembered the real world, who I really am...And as soon as Jordan called, saying she was leaving for good. He must've realized I was just some dumb kid with a crush that he took advantage of...
JD's whole body shook, as low, ugly sobs ripped their way out of him, and his wings trembled with the force. He was alone again, and it hurt worse than it ever had before.
* * *
The sounds of sobbing met Perry's ears as soon as he stepped into the bedroom. He slumped, barely muffling a groan, and hurried to the window, looking down.
JD was curled against the side of the house, whole frame bent dejectedly, body shaking with the force of his tears. Perry swallowed, blinking hard, bringing one hand up to press against the windowpane. He drew a shaky breath and released it on a half-sob, pressing his brow to the window and stroking his fingertips against the cold glass, outlining the image of JD's wings.
"I'm sorry," he whimpered, voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry, JD, I'm sorry..."
He couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough. What if he died, going after the Fae--could he leave JD like this? Thinking...God, thinking what Perry said was true--that he didn't love him anymore?
Tell him, his heart begged. Please, please, tell him.
"I can't," he whispered back, but it was a weak sound. "I can't let him risk himself... I can't..."
But you can't leave him like this, either, can you?
Perry lowered his head. "No," he whispered. "No, I can't."
For a moment he was silent, listening to the sound of JD's sobs, absorbing his pain and accepting it as his own. Then, suddenly, he straightened.
A letter!
That was it--he'd leave him a letter. Tell him in no uncertain terms how he really felt, and let him know just how sorry he was. For everything.
He stood and hurried to the closet, pulling out the boxes of things they'd brought to keep them entertained. Surely there'd be paper in here, somewhere...
Ah! He pulled out the legal pad triumphantly, returning to root for a pen, and settled down in front of the window to write.
And write he did. The pen flew over the paper, sloppy and shaking, his trembling hand making his handwriting worse than usual. His tear drops fell onto the pad as well, smudging the ink a little, but he dabbed them up carefully, finishing his letter and tearing it from the pad. He folded it twice, and scrawled "JD" on the front, underlining it with sturdy strokes, before getting to his feet and looking around.
He had to hide it--somewhere JD would be sure to find it, eventually, but not right away. Somewhere that, should Perry never return, JD would eventually end up looking.
The closet was as good a place as any, he finally decided.
He walked back over to the door, and reached for the box at the back. JD would probably dig it out eventually, but by then, Perry would have been gone too long for him to bother coming after him, surely--
He paused, suddenly realizing that the box wasn't one they'd brought with them. He frowned, leaning forward, and pulled it out--then opened his eyes wide, when he realized what it was.
Yearbooks. Ben's, from the looks of it, but there were a few of Jordan's in there too, and--his eyes widened further.
God. How...how was this even here?
He brushed his hand over the dusty leather cover, reading the gold title imprinted against the dark green binding.
University of California, San Diego Medical School, Class of 1989.
He closed his eyes. Jordan. He'd given it to Jordan. He remembered now. And she must have brought it here, stored with the rest of her and Ben's yearbooks...
He shook himself, and flipped open the dusty cover, looking for the page he knew so well.
Posed pictures of him didn't take well, most of the time. His smile, unless it was a genuine, caught off-guard smile, always looked more like a grimace at best, or a snarl at worst. But there was a picture of him in this yearbook--the reason Jordan had wanted it in the first place, actually--that had actually managed to capture him without making him look frightened or frightening. The photographer, either by skill or some freak accident, had done what professional photographers strove to do. He'd captured a real moment.
Perry nodded once, slipping the letter into the book on that page and snapping it closed. If he didn't return, well...someday, hopefully, JD would find it, and would understand what Perry had been trying to say, in the letter, and by marking that photo.
"I'm yours, John," he whispered, hugging the book to his chest for a moment as one last tear slid down his cheek. "This is really me--I'm sorry I had to leave you thinking anything otherwise."
He was just getting ready to put the book back into its box when a sudden noise from outside caught his attention--the sound of an engine, and the crunch of tires on gravel.
He heard Elliot cry out, "Sean!" and heard the resulting thunder of hooves as she dashed down the stairs. Perry rose to his feet, the book slipping from his hands, half-forgotten, falling into one of the boxes.
He ignored it, hurrying out into the hallway, scrubbing at his face, and saw Carla and Turk already heading down the stairs, chasing after Elliot.
"He's here?" Perry asked, and Carla looked up at him, a smile on her face. "He'd certainly better be," she replied. "Or Elliot just about broke her neck for no reason."
Perry chuckled a little, though it was half-hearted, and followed her down the stairs. At least Sean being here will be a distraction, he thought. Maybe--just maybe--it'd be enough to make JD forget, or at least enough to help him focus on something else, until Perry was gone.
He could only hope.
* * *
JD pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his face clear of tears, when he heard the sound of an engine. He hoped to God it was Sean, not another jackass with a shotgun or something--but then no one else had found them, the mountain roads slick enough to discourage attempts. And he didn't have long to worry, as the van came into view, and Elliot burst out of the door beside him.
"He's here, JD, he's here!" She turned and caught him up in a huge hug, before pausing, getting a look at his face, taking in the streaks of tears, the drawn, pale features. Her own eyes went wide, and for a moment, she appeared to forget about the arrival of her boyfriend. "JD..." she breathed. “What happened?”
"Later," he replied, voice only wavering a little as he shook his head and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.” Then, when she was clearly undeterred, he nodded back toward the minivan which was now pulling to a stop in the driveway, behind Jordan’s truck. “Look," he murmured. “He’s here.”
Elliot turned back toward the vehicle, biting her lip, looking torn between wanting to rush up to greet him and feeling too nervous to do so. And Sean was not moving--or rather he was, but JD couldn’t tell what exactly he was doing. The van engine stopped, lights going off, but the front door wasn’t opening, and the van was rocking slightly as Sean moved about inside.
“What on earth…?” JD murmured, squinting, trying to see in through the tinted windows.
A moment later, he didn’t have to--Sean had slid backwards, now in the back of the van--the driver’s seat either didn’t have a back, or it was completely reclined, because JD couldn’t see it--and after a few more seconds, there was a click as the sliding door in the back suddenly came open.
Sean’s head vanished, ducking down. And in the next instant, the hindquarters of a chestnut bay centaur appeared, hooves seeking and finding purchase in the wet gravel of the driveway.
As JD and Elliot watched, both too stunned to move, the hooves moved backward, the rest of a the horse's body appearing, then Sean’s torso, and arms, as he grabbed the side of the van to guide himself free.
Then he was standing next to the vehicle, wearing a tan corduroy jacket and a pair of brown gloves, one of his back hooves lifting a little before settling awkwardly to the ground. “Elliot?” he called, sounding uncertain.
Still standing beside JD, Elliot released a soft whimper, one that might’ve been, “Oh!”
JD glanced up at her, and smiled, nudging her shoulder. “Go on, then,” he said. “Giddy-up.”
It was all the encouragement she needed. She surged past him, galloping down the slope of gravel, rearing up a little when she reached Sean and throwing her arms around him. The sound of her choked laughter drifted back through the chilly air, and he could hear her squealing against his shoulder, tail swishing the way it did when she was animated, hooves doing a tiny little dance in the rocks. Sean was laughing, too, holding her tight, and JD could barely make out the sound of his voice murmuring, “I knew it, I just knew it…”
Carla and Turk appeared beside him moments later, and Carla gasped, hands flying to her mouth. "Oh, my gosh," she breathed, an awed smile on her face. "Would you look at them?"
JD did. Sean’s lower half was a lustrous coppery brown, one which blended seamlessly into gleaming black on his legs and in his tail. He had obviously been taking care of himself, too--his muscles rippled under the well-groomed coat, in the half-light of the overcast day, and his tail was sleek and glossy. Next to Elliot's palomino cream and shimmering silvery-white tail, they were the perfect contrast--not that either of them seemed remotely interested in the fact. They were both clearly too lost in one another's eyes, smiling and talking softly. A tear trickled down Elliot's face, and she laughed brokenly when Sean bent to kiss it away.
"They're perfect for each other," JD said, his voice not as dull as he'd feared it would be. But he pulled his wings in tight around himself, feeling suddenly cold as Turk held Carla close.
Perry watched from inside the garage, the tightness in his chest making it difficult to breathe as JD lowered his head, arms and wings coming up around his body defensively. He wanted to go to him, wanted so badly to hold him it was an actual physical ache in his arms.
Instead, he sighed, and ducked quietly back into the house, heading up the stairs. He could use this time while the others were distracted to pack.
JD shook off the concern he saw in Turk and Carla's eyes, and pulled his wings back, going over to greet Sean once Elliot finally released him enough that he could look up again. "Hey, dude,” he murmured, forcing a smile onto his face. “Nice tail."
"Nice wings," Sean replied with a grin. "This is quite a hide-out you guys have..."
"Yeah, Per…” he trailed off, tears rising swiftly to his eyes, but he forced them back. Don’t fall apart, don’t lose it, Dorian, come on… “Perry was lucky to get us the use of it. Dr. Cox," he added, when Sean look confused. Then, ducking his head and coughing a little to clear his throat, he said, "Why don't you and Elliot head in and we'll unload the truck? You guys will want some time alone..."
Elliot hesitated, biting her lip, glancing from Sean’s face to JD. “Are you sure…?” she murmured.
He waved her off. “I’m fine,” he said quietly. “You two need to be alone. Go on.”
Elliot watched him a moment longer, then eventually nodded, slowly. “Yeah,” she said. “Okay. Though actually…you’ve been driving for a while, Sean. Do you want to go for a run?”
“Good God, yes,” Sean said instantly, lifting one hoof and pawing at the pavement a little. He gave JD an odd look, but JD ignored it, focusing on moving forward to unload their things.
“Great!” Elliot said. “Come on, there’s a field about four miles up the road from here, it’s where we all go to release some energy…”
JD watched through the van window as she and Sean headed toward the road. He heard her suddenly squeal, “Race you!” and an instant later they were gone, galloping joyfully down the road, disappearing quickly around the corner.
JD smiled sadly after them, feeling fresh tears sting his eyes, but he tried to push them back as he climbed into the van. He glanced at the driver’s seat, which was fully reclined and more than a little crushed from the weight of Sean’s body, noting the hand controls by the steering wheel. So that's how he'd managed it... Sean had put blocks beneath the backrest to keep it from snapping off, too, and in lieu of snow chains, he’d put cinderblocks over the axles. JD lifted his eyebrows, impressed in spite of himself--it was a pretty impressive fix. Sean would clearly be good to have around.
Even if seeing him with Elliot would only serve as a constant reminder of just how alone he was, now.
He stopped trying to fight his tears, allowing himself a soft sob as they broke free and began to trickle hotly down his cheeks.
He heard the soft pad of footsteps approaching behind him, but didn’t turn around, focusing instead on gathering the bags of groceries and setting them carefully onto the driveway.
After a few more moments, Carla came up silently behind him, and he nearly dropped the bag of eggs when he turned around and realized she was there. "Bambi, what's--”
"I don't want to talk about it," he choked, cutting Carla off, if gently. "Not right now."
Carla bit her lip, then said quietly, "You know he would never mean to hurt you," she said. "You know that, right?"
JD slumped, setting the eggs down very gently before lowering himself to the floor of the van and hiding his face in his hands. “I know,” he choked, voice breaking.
"Oh, Bambi--what happened? Please tell me," Carla pressed gently. "Maybe I can help."
JD shook his head slowly. “He…he said…” he sobbed once, then rallied and finished in a rush: “He said he didn’t love me anymore.”
Carla gasped, taking a step backward, eyes wide. “He didn’t,” she whispered, looking horrified; behind her, Turk’s brows were drawn, and he looked stunned and furious at once.
“He did,” JD whispered, doing his best to steady himself as he climbed slowly, heavily to his feet again and turned to continue unloading. But he dropped his hand back to his side, unable to make himself care, and felt his wings slump, lowering his head to press against the cool metal side of the vehicle. “He meant it, too. He…he said he was sorry, but that w-whatever…whatever he’d felt for me was g-gone…”
"Oh, Bambi, I'm so sorry," Carla murmured, and JD felt her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.
He turned and curled into her, lowering his head to her shoulder. "I don't know what to do," he whispered. "Carla--I don't know what I did wrong. Why…why doesn’t he…?” And then the tears were falling again, and he curled closer, muffling a sob against her shirt when he felt Turk move in and wrap his arms around the both of them.
"It'll be okay, JD," Turk said softly. "You still have us, right?"
JD nodded, but couldn't stop crying. He knew he didn’t have to tell them it just wasn’t the same-- he knew they knew it as well as he did. "I just...everything was going so well…I don’t know what changed, but…fuck…" He tried to pull himself under control again, but it was difficult. Eventually, though, he drew a deep breath and mumbled, "I don't want to tell Elliot, okay? She deserves to just be happy tonight, and I'll…I’ll be okay…”
Carla rocked him, glancing at Turk over the top of JD's head. "Shh," she murmured. "It'll be okay, Bambi. I don't believe for one second that he really wants to end things--I’ve known that man for far too long to buy that. I’ve never seen him this happy. Look…” she pulled back, taking his face in her hands and wiping at his cheeks with her thumbs. “There has to be something else going on. I'll talk to him tomorrow, see if I can't figure out what it is." She smiled, if it was a little terse. “Chin up, Bambi,” she whispered, bending to press a chaste kiss against his lips. “We’ll figure this out.”
"Carla…th-thank you,” JD whispered, feeling a small twinge of hope blooming inside him. “He listens to you, at least."
“Damn right he does,” Carla said, letting her accent thicken and waggling her head in the cocky way she did when she was being particularly sassy. She winked at him, and he chuckled a little, weakly.
Then, pulling himself together, he wiped his face again. "God, the past two months have been..." He shook his head. "I need a vacation from my life for a while. Too many things keep happening in it."
Turk snorted, stepping forward a little awkwardly and wrapping one arm around JD’s shoulders. "You can say that again," he muttered.
Carla smiled at them. "Come on, boys," she said softly. "Let's unload this stuff and get out of the cold, what do you say?"
* * *
It took them about an hour, all said, to get everything from Sean's van and into the kitchen. After the first trip, Carla stayed inside to start unloading things into the appropriate cabinets or shelves in the fridge, while Turk and JD carried the rest of the boxes in. Along with perishables, Sean had brought a pretty good supply of canned foods and several five-gallon jugs of gasoline, which JD took around to the shed. As he and Turk stacked the last box into the nearly-overflowing garage, he reflected that even with the addition of another centaur, they could probably live here for quite a long time without having to contact the outside world.
He sighed ruefully as he realized that earlier that morning, the thought would've pleased him. Now, it just made him feel more lonely than ever.
Perry was conspicuously absent that night. He came downstairs long enough to greet Sean and grab a bit to eat, standing at the counter, but he did not stay, nor did he address JD directly for more than the most distant of pleasantries. He didn’t linger after dinner, though, for which JD was grateful, because whenever he was in the room the tension and discomfort were palpable. As soon as he’d finished eating and washing his dishes in the sink, he vanished up the stairs and left the others to their visiting.
It was only much later, after Turk and Carla had retired, and Elliot and Sean had officially worn Jack out and taken him up to his crib, did JD dare to approach his room. Perry had offered him the bedroom, but the others had occupied the den for so long that JD was half-certain the older doctor would’ve already fallen asleep. He knew he wouldn’t want to wake him, but he wasn’t certain he could fit onto the couch; he figured if Perry was asleep, JD would just snag his pillow and curl up in front of the fireplace.
Perry wasn't there. JD frowned, not sure where he could have gone, but feeling a painful sort of relief that he wouldn’t have to watch the older man sleeping, knowing he couldn’t join him on the mattress or curl up against him.
Slumping into the bed, he pulled the pillow from Perry’s side of the bed, hugging it tightly to his chest and breathing deeply of the other man’s scent. Alone now, aching and desperately missing the feel of the other man’s chest rising and falling beneath his ear and the comforting sound of his heartbeat, JD felt the tears welling up again. He did not try to stop them, burying his face in the pillow and draping his wings over himself, crying softly until he fell asleep.
Then, and only then, did Perry step out from the bathroom, where he'd hidden himself away when he heard JD enter.
He stood silently at the foot of the bed, already bundled in his hiking gear, backpack slung over his shoulder, and gazed down at JD’s sleeping figure. The younger man’s cheeks were streaked with tears, visible in the moonlight that filtered through the large window; even in sleep, his face was contorted in pain. Perry closed his eyes, fighting against the answering surge of sorrow that filled him and stung his eyes, and moved forward, slowly and silently. Once he was beside the younger man, he lowered himself to the mattress, leaning down and pressing the lightest of kisses upon JD's lips before pulling back again. "I love you," he whispered, only the faintest hint of breath passing through his lips. "I'm so sorry."
Then he turned, and was gone, slipping silently into the moonlit night, leaving no trace of himself behind.
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Next Chapter
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Date: 4 Mar 2007 07:23 (UTC)Called it. Knew it was coming. Hurts like crazy, but still knew it was coming. Now, I'm going to sit here and sulk until you post up more of this arc and let us know that it's going to be okay.
*smacks Perry* Dumbass. You're just lucky you're fictional.
Loved it, as always! Been sitting here waiting for you to post, it's such a treat to see the new one up! ♥
~m