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randomweavingFic: Changeling
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.
Chapter listings: Contents Post
Author's Notes: Posted a little early because we know how cruel the last chapter was. This one's not a lot better, but at least we're moving things along.
We will do our level best to get chapter 29 up Saturday night, but I (randomslasher) am actually flying out to California on Saturday to spend a week with thuri, so we might be too busy squeeing at each other in person to get to the chapter. But if we don't have it by Saturday, we'll post it whenever we DO have it, so either way we won't make you wait a whole week.
That's enough from me. On with the chapter!
* * *
Sleep came slowly for JD, and when it finally did come, it was broken with nightmares; he woke up crying more than once, tears leaking into his pillow, Perry’s name on his lips. Eventually he rose, around three, and walked over to Jack’s crib, looking in on the child. He had only recently begun sleeping through the night, and while JD had been grateful at first, now he would’ve been happy for the distraction of a fussy baby to look after.
But Jack was asleep, wings tucked away and slits closed, one chubby thumb in his mouth, the other hand curled around his blanket.
JD watched him for a long moment, jealous of the oblivion sleep afforded Perry’s son, jealous that the boy could not understand what Perry’s absence would mean. Though he ached to know the child would now probably grow up without ever knowing the man, right now he could very nearly wish the same thing for himself. After all, if he’d never met Perry, or at least if he’d never fallen for him, it wouldn’t hurt so badly now, knowing he was out there alone, sick and maybe dying. Perry hadn’t shown any signs of the Rejection returning, not that JD had noticed, but…even if he hadn’t, being out there for three days in the snow could not be safe, and every moment that passed when Perry didn’t return only made JD’s heart sink a little lower in his chest. The marking of the minutes on the clock was hateful to him, a countdown to the moment when he would eventually have to let go of the last shred of hope within him--let go, and accept that Perry was never coming back.
He bit his lip, tears welling swiftly and suddenly; without thinking, he reached down into the crib and scooped Jack into his arms, holding him cradled into his chest. The boy stirred but did not wake, settling his head against JD’s shoulder and sighing, squirming a little before going limp again, relaxed in sleep.
JD carried him back over to the large bed, crawling up carefully and settling the child down onto the mattress before snuggling down next to him, curled protectively around the sleeping boy. Jack, one thumb still in his mouth, began opening and closing his other hand slowly, drowsily searching for his blanket, which JD had left in the crib. He offered his index finger instead, and Jack’s fist closed around it loosely, trustingly, as he settled once more. JD swallowed hard at the swift swell of love the unconscious gesture provoked within him.
“You’ll never be alone, Jacky,” he whispered, reaching out with his free hand to lightly stroke the toddler’s hair. “I promise. I’ll never leave you, not ever. Your mommy and daddy, they…they love you, so much, but they might not be able to come back. But I won’t leave you. I swear…”
He broke down, sobbing softly, careful not to wake the boy, and curled in on himself a little more, letting his tears soak the pillow case as he gazed at the sleeping child’s face.
* * *
He didn’t recall drifting off, but the dream, when it came to him, felt different than the others.
He was walking through the snow, calling Perry’s name, shivering at the icy cold that bit into his bare feet; he wrapped his wings around himself tightly and continued to search, hands cupped to his face as he called for his lover.
When he rounded a corner, he realized there was a child sitting on the ground, faintly blue, gossamer wings quivering lightly in the morning sun. His eyes went wide; abandoning his own search for a moment, he raced forward, determined to help her. She was freezing, she had to be--she wore only the thinnest layers of light, silky fabric, wrapped around her thin frame in a way that momentarily made him think of a roman toga. Her long dark hair, which reached halfway down her back, was tangled and knotted, bits of tree branches and (oddly enough, since there were none to be found on the ground) flowers and leaves braided haphazardly through it. She must’ve been out here for ages--days--and JD knew if she were cold enough to be turning blue she was in very real, very immediate danger of freezing to death.
“Hey!” he called, hurrying forward, reaching for the child automatically, ready to pull her close and wrap his wings around her to warm her (they really were excellent insulation; Perry had complained more than once about getting too hot, when JD would drape one over the older man in his sleep, and--oh. Perry…).
But when he reached her, she turned, and giggled at him, and when his hand brushed against her shoulder, he pulled back, startled, to realize she was warm. Very warm, in fact.
He stared at her, and she gazed back, large, almond-shaped eyes with gold irises and deep black pupils unblinking.
“Uh…hello,” he said eventually, realizing he must be gawking but unable to stop himself, rude though he knew it was.
“Hi,” she responded, voice musical and seeming to come from within him as well as without; as she spoke, JD fancied he could see strange threads of light weaving her words in the air before her, though they vanished as soon as he blinked, making him think it must be a trick of the morning sunlight against the ice and snow.
“Can…can you help me?” he asked after a moment. “I’m looking for someone…”
“I know,” she said. “I heard you calling for him.”
“Oh,” JD said, feeling rather at a loss. “Well…do you know where he is?”
She cocked her head at him, then giggled again, and suddenly she was on her feet, at eye-level with him. A soft breeze surrounded them, and JD realized with a start that it was from the near-silent flitting of her wings as she hovered before him, maybe two feet off the ground. He took an involuntary step backwards, and she giggled again. Moving forward, she kissed his nose, a soft childish peck, and whispered, “Do not worry.”
Then she began to hum softly, and even when she vanished the song went on; it wove itself into JD’s heart, bolstering him, and as he stood there, alone and barefoot in the snow, he realized he felt warmer than he had in days.
* * *
JD woke up the next morning to Jack tugging on his hair, and sighed as he felt himself drawn back to consciousness, already missing the deep, peaceful sleep that had eventually taken him. He knew he’d dreamed, after bringing Jack to bed with him, but he couldn’t recall exactly what he’d dreamed, only that it had somehow left him feeling warm, almost content. But as Jack continued to tug at his hair, the last shreds of the feeling drifted away, scattering into the morning light that drifted through the window, and he sighed, aching a little to let it go.
He couldn't help smiling, though, when he felt Jack’s small hand softly patting his face. "Daydee? Up?"
Instead of answering, JD slid his wing between them, so Jack couldn't see him, before lifting it up quickly. "Peek-a-boo!" he crowed softly.
The boy shrieked in delight, clapping his hands. “Gain! Gain!”
JD smiled, and complied, and for a while, was able to forget.
It was harder, during the day. When Jack had eventually grown tired of their game and started playing with one of JD’s feathers, he’d pushed himself reluctantly out of the warmth of the bed, gathering the child in his arms and heading downstairs to meet the others for breakfast. Elliot was already moving about the kitchen, making omelets with Sean, and he’d offered them a wan smile, accepting the plate the centauress offered him and moving into the living room. He set the plate on the table, settling Jack in with his toys, and opened his laptop again.
“JD,” he heard Elliot murmur softly, as she clopped out of the kitchen and moved to stand behind him, “are you sure you should be…?”
“I need to know,” was all he’d answered, and she’d sighed, nodding, before moving to rejoin Sean at the stove.
He spent the morning doing more online searches, looking for cases of people who’d survived rejection, but the article Turk had showed him the day before seemed to be correct: the people who'd been initially saved through his treatment still died, a few days, a week, or a month later. They would start to have mild symptoms--dizziness, headache, stuff like that--then they’d fall into a coma, and finally they’d just…slip away. No marked distress, no warning. They simply died, their systems shutting down quietly and without much fuss.
JD eventually had to close the laptop, trying desperately not to picture Perry out there, alone and dying, but it was nearly impossible not to do so.
Eventually, he decided to let the others distract him, accepting their advances--anything to try and rid his mind of the images it was conjuring. Elliot suggested a movie, and JD agreed, heading upstairs to fetch the extra box of DVDs he'd packed away into the closet.
He reached up, tugging the string to turn on the closet light, then knelt, tugging the box forward--and paused, frowning, when he realized there was a book on top of the DVDs. A yearbook, from the looks of it, though it was lying face down. He picked it up and flipped it over.
University of California, San Diego Medical School, Class of 1989.
The words were stamped across the green leather binding in gold lettering, gleaming up at him in the dim light of the hanging bulb. His frown deepened, and he moved backwards, carrying the book with him, settling onto the edge of the bed.
Perry's--the book had to be Perry's. The year was right, the university was right--but how did it get here? It hadn't been in the box when he'd packed it, he knew that. So that meant Perry had put it there since they'd arrived.
But why?
He swallowed, hesitating, then opened the book with trembling fingers, desire to see Perry's picture outweighing the knowledge that such a sight would doubtless cause him pain. He opened the book, intending to flip to the index, but paused, frowning, when it fell open to a page with a piece of notebook paper stuck inside.
He reached for the paper, pulling it out, wondering if it was an old love letter or something, then froze when he saw the picture on the pages between which the paper had been tucked.
"Perry," he whispered, fingers trembling as he reached forward and lightly traced the glossy image on the page.
Posed pictures of the older doctor didn't always take well. Even JD had to admit that. Perry's smile, unless it was a genuine, caught off-guard smile, tended to look more like a grimace, at best, or a snarl at worst.
But the picture before him now was different. It was black and white, and looked to be in a library or a study lounge of some sort. It was one of those candid shots, like the ones Ben had always been so fond of taking. In it, Perry was reading, sprawled in a leather lounge chair in front of a set of large french windows. The book in his lap, though JD couldn't see the title, was clearly a text of some sort--some gargantuan medical tome or another. It was propped open across his thighs, and he was gazing down at it, a gentle look of concentration on his face. He wore a pair of thin, wire-rimmed reading glasses, but rather than making him look geeky, they actually made him look sexier. One hand was by his mouth, holding a pen, whose lid he was chewing thoughtfully. The other was curled easily around the book, supporting it; the tendons in his hand stood out, emphasized by the dark shadows and black and white tones of the photo. Perry himself wore a dark button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, denim jeans, and a pair of hiking boots, and even though JD was sure the picture had been taken by one of the school's media club members, it had come out looking professionally composed--no doubt that was why they'd decided to feature it in the center. The light filtered through the dusty library window, highlighting his curling hair, which was a little longer than it was now, and twice as unruly. The caption beneath read, "UCSD student Perry Cox studies for his final exams. April 12, 1989." Below that, someone--one of Perry's friends from school, no doubt--had scrawled "Oooooh, chew that pen you naughty boy!"
JD drew a shuddery breath, heart beating hard and fast in his throat. 1989--Perry was twenty-six in the picture. So young...younger than JD was now. And something in his face, his eyes...he cared. Oh, JD knew he'd always cared, but this Perry was the Perry that reminded Jordan of JD himself, the one that Carla claimed had been just as nervous, just as idealistic as he. This was a Perry who, though he'd certainly faced hardships, had not yet been so hurt that he'd turned his back on the rest of the world, building up a hard shell around his heart that no one had been able to break through.
This was a Perry who still had some hope, some faith in the promise life had to offer him.
JD drew another sharp breath, the image blurring in front of him, and he reached up to wipe hastily at his cheeks. He swallowed, hard, picking up the piece of paper, intending to tuck it back between the pages undisturbed.
And that was when he saw his initials scrawled across the front, in Perry's distinctive handwriting.
He dropped the paper as though it were on fire, staring at it, eyes wide. It fluttered to the floor, landing with his initials facing up, and for a long moment, he stared at it, afraid to pick it up, to see what Perry might've written.
Then, unable to resist, he slid to the floor, reaching with badly shaking fingers to pick it up again. Drawing a deep breath, casting his eyes momentarily heavenward, he unfolded the note, and began to read.
JD,
I'm sorry. God, kid, I'm so sorry. I know no matter how many times I say that, it won't make up for what I've done to you, but it's true. I don't think I've ever been sorrier for anything in my life, and that's saying something, Newbie, because I've done my fair share of stupid things. But none of them have hurt as much as this one does.
I lied to you, JD, and what's worse, I hurt you by it. Worse still, I did it on purpose, to drive you away. I'll understand if you can't forgive me, but I ask you to please let me explain. I had to do it. To protect you, to keep you safe. But I'd give just about anything to be able to take it all back. God, JD, to think of all the time I wasted, when things could have been normal for us...it hurts almost as much as this does. I couldn't swallow my fucking pride, and I wasted so much time...
If you've found this letter, it probably means I've been gone for a while, and if that's the case, I'm probably not coming back. The rejection...JD, it's fatal. The treatment is a stall, at best; the body can't stay trapped between one form and another. I don't think the system knows how to support itself, half-changed. I think the original cells and the new cells start attacking each other, and the body finally loses the energy to keep fighting itself, and just gives up.
That's why I did what I did. That's why I left. JD, I'm dying.
I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you. I wanted to. God, JD, you don't know how badly I wanted to tell you--how badly I want to go outside right now and hold you, make your tears stop, admit to everything, let you help me. But I can't.
I'm going to look for help. I...there are rumors of these creatures--the Fae, they're calling them--and I'm going to look for them. I've been having dreams, and...well, I think if anyone can help me now, they can.
Please don't come after me, JD. I said what I did to keep you from doing so, but even after you read this, please don't try to find me. I don't ask for much, you know that, but I'm asking you--no, I'm begging you--don't come looking for me. These Fae, I don't know who they are or why they're here, but if they're dangerous, it's better that only one of us has to find that out the hard way.
If I don't come back, I want you to look after Jack for me. I know you will--I've seen you with him, and I have no doubts you love him like your own son. Which he is, JD. And he's going to need you now.
JD, I also want to thank you. For staying by me, for seeing through my crap, for calling me on it time and time again. But more than that, thank you for reminding me that there are good people left in the world, that I don't have to push everyone away all the time, that I can still have friends--a family--despite my flaws. Thank you for being that family for me, JD, even if we only had a little while. You made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Whatever happens, please know I love you. So much. That hasn't changed, and it never will. I'm so sorry I had to leave you thinking anything else, but please believe me when I tell you I never meant those things I said. Not for one moment. And please believe me when I tell you if there's any possible way to do so, I'll come back to you someday.
You'll be okay. I know you will. You're strong--so much stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I love you, Newbie. Please take care of yourself.
Yours always,
Perry
JD whimpered very softly, his fingers lightly tracing a spot of smeared ink and wavery paper that could only be a tearstain. "Damn you, Perry Cox," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "Damn you."
Oh, he should have known...should have seen what Perry was doing. But he'd been too blinded by his own selfish pain to realize that Perry was driving him away. And while a part of his soul that was sobbing with relief, knowing Perry had never stopped loving him, it only made the pain in his heart that much harder to bear.
I let him go. I failed him.
Then he frowned, suddenly. That wasn't right, was it? After all, Perry had wanted him to let him go; had lashed out intentionally, in the only way he knew for certain could keep JD from following him, from forcing Perry to talk to him. He'd struck out deliberately, with the intent to wound, because he apparently didn't trust JD to understand why he needed to go in the first place. Sure, he'd said he was sorry--but how much faith could he have in JD, really, that he felt it necessary to hurt him instead of just being honest with him?
"Why didn't you just tell me?" he choked, squeezing his eyes more tightly, bowing his head. "I wouldn't have liked it, but I would've let you go..."
He opened his eyes again, letting out a deep breath, and they fell again on the picture the letter had been hiding. A sob caught in his throat, and he dropped the letter, burying his face in his hands. Three days, since Perry had left, knowing he was dying. Three days in the bitter weather outside, trying to find creatures who didn't want to be discovered...and who might be dangerous, for all anyone knew. Who might not even exist.
"I'm not this strong," JD whispered, curling up around Perry's pillow again, slow, silent tears seeping out and soaking into it.
Elliot found him there, coming up to see what was taking so long.
"JD?" she said softly, knocking on the door. "Weren't you going to get the mov--JD!" she broke off with a gasp when she saw him, eyes widening. "JD, what is it?"
"Perry's dead. He left because he was dying..." JD's voice sounded strange to his own ears, distant and much too calm. "He left me...he left me a note."
"He...y-you're sure?" Elliot whispered. "You're sure?"
He handed her the note numbly, too far gone to care that Perry'd probably meant it to be private; as Elliot read, her eyes filled abruptly with tears. She pressed her fingers to her mouth, blinking hard, then looked up at JD, still curled in on himself, gazing blankly ahead. She lowered her hand slowly, and took a tentative step forward. "Oh, JD..."
"It's my fault," JD said softly. "If I hadn't...hadn't told him how I felt, he'd've though he was going mer and could stay with Jordan...He wouldn't have gone into rejection." He knew, distantly, that he was being ridiculous, but couldn't seem to stop himself.
Elliot shook her head helplessly, biting her lip against JD's emotionless voice and blank eyes. "JD, you can't...you can't know that. There's Jack, and you..." she trailed off, then shook her head again, stamping one foot, tail swishing anxiously. "It's not your fault," she said again. "You did everything you could to save him."
JD chuckled, a painful sound. "And it wasn't enough," he said. He shook his head, burrowing closer into the pillow, breathing deeply of Perry's scent, wondering just how long it would be before he'd lose even this tenuous connection to the other man. "Elliot, he didn't even...he didn't even let me say goodbye," he whispered. "Didn't let me be there for him, at the end..." He choked, then shook his head again, turned away from her, wings closing in around his body. "I want to be alone," he said dully. "Please."
Elliot swallowed, looking like she wanted to protest, but unable to think of the words to comfort her friend. She sighed, backing up, but paused in the doorway. "JD," she murmured, voice low with sympathy. "I know...I know how hard this is for you, and I understand why you want to be alone, but don't forget we're here, okay? We love you, and we need you, too." She bit her lip, then added, "You know, I...I never saw Dr. Cox as happy as he was when he was with you. I don't think, if he were here now, he would have any regrets."
"Yeah?" JD mumbled. "Well, he's not, is he?"
He heard her sigh again, heard the door shut behind her, and let out a long, shuddering breath, wondering why he wasn't crying. Why he couldn't seem to.
Instead he lay there, just breathing, trying to shake the certainty within him that Perry was dead. If he could believe, even for a moment, that he'd found help...
But the odds were against it, and he knew it. Even if the older man had somehow found the Fae, God only knew what they'd do to him. And despite Perry's pleas, JD couldn't deny how much he was tempted to go looking, anyway.
But he couldn't. Perry had asked him not to, and Jack...Jack needed him.
Jack. JD sighed softly, squeezing his eyes shut. Elliot was right: he couldn't risk himself, now, and leave the boy alone. For a moment, he almost resented it. Resented that he couldn't run off, lose himself somehow, just fly until he couldn't fly anymore, embracing welcome oblivion...
But he had to be there. Had to stay, fulfill his promise and raise Perry's son, since the other man couldn't do it himself.
He knew he should get up. Go downstairs, tell the others, look after Jack...
But the thought of even moving was too much, and so JD stayed as he was, wrapped in his grief.
Eventually he slept.
* * *
Carla came for him, later. He'd expected it, of course, but he wanted to groan when she woke him. In his sleep, he could forget. In his dreams, Perry was alive.
"Bambi?" he heard her whisper again softly, and he opened his eyes slowly to see her sitting on her haunches next to his bed. Her eyes were soft, her face sympathetic and compassionate. "Hey, sweetie," she said, offering him a sad smile. "It's dinnertime. Elliot and I made soup and grilled cheese; I thought I'd see if you wanted to come down."
"No," JD said tersely, the sound muffled by the pillow as he turned his head resolutely away from her.
He heard her small intake of breath, and moments later, felt her hand alight upon his shoulder.
"Bambi, I'm so sorry," she murmured gently. "I know it hurts."
Elliot had told them, then. JD actually laughed, though there was no humor in the sound. He turned toward her, eyebrows raised incredulously, a humorless smirk on his face. "Do you?" he asked, his voice a mockery of politeness. "Do you, really? Imagine it was Turk, Carla. Imagine he needed help, and you brushed him off. Imagine you drove him away when he needed you the most--then lost him forever because of it." His voice was tight with self-loathing, and the smirk turned to a horrible grin, which stretched grotesquely across his face. He shook his head slowly. "No," he said derisively. "I don't think you do know."
Carla's mouth was hanging open, but after a moment she snapped it shut, eyebrows drawing together. "JD," she argued, "you didn't drive him away--he broke up with you, remember? You can't honestly think--"
"I fell for it, Carla!" JD cried suddenly. He pushed himself off the mattress, getting up to his hands and knees and crawling to the edge of the bed, leaning closer to her, eyes filled with furious tears. "He played me, yeah--but I let him do it. God..." He sat back on his heels, raising his hands to his hair and clutching it for a moment in his fists. "He thanked me, you know," he said finally, and now his voice was dull. "In his letter. He thanked me for always seeing through his crap, and calling him on it. But I didn't, did I? When it really mattered, I fell for it just like everyone else. Carla...I let him down. I failed him." He shook his head, dropping his hands into his lap, eyes going distant again; the tears that had risen to his eyes slipped down his cheeks, unnoticed, but no others rose to take their place. "I let him go," he whispered, gaze turning toward the window. "And now he's dead."
"You don't know that," Carla whispered weakly, her own tears streaming freely. "JD, you don't know that. He went to find help. How do you know he didn't...?" she trailed off, biting her lip.
JD chuckled ruefully. "Yeah," he said, voice hoarse and bitter with sarcasm. "I bet he did. I bet he found the tall blue fairy men, and they waved their magic wands and poof, everything was all better, and he'll be back any minute now."
"Bambi..."
"He died out there, Carla," JD gritted. "He died alone in the cold, thinking he didn't have anywhere else to go." He turned to look at her, and his face crumpled, the tears finally coming in earnest. "Why did I let him?" he whimpered. "Carla, why did I let him go?"
Carla sobbed; in a movement that would have startled JD, if he hadn't been so ridden with grief and guilt, she stood and leaped lightly on to the bed, settling down before him and gathering him into her arms.
JD didn't resist, but he didn't reciprocate, either. He lay heavy in her arms, brow pressed to her shoulder, tears soaking into her shirt. "I let him go, and now I can't even follow him..."
"What could you do for him, though, even if you could follow?" Carla reminded him in a quivering voice, stroking his hair. "You couldn't have saved him, sweetheart. You already did everything you knew to try--what more could you have done?"
JD bit his lip, but didn't answer her, or try to correct her. If that was what she thought...well, fine. He'd let her think it. Honestly, in a way, she was right: he couldn't have done anything. At least, not in terms of halting the rejection, or saving Perry's life. And rationally, he knew it wouldn't always hurt like this; knew he'd stop blaming himself, eventually.
But he didn't think he'd ever stop wishing it had been him, instead.
So he merely fell silent, let Carla comfort him, and feigned sleep as soon as he thought he could get away with it.
As Carla gently lowered him back down and slid sinuously off the bed, JD squeezed his eyes shut again, tears leaking out slowly. It was only after she closed the door that he answered her question, whispering it into the tear-soaked pillowcase: "I could have been with him."
I could have held him at the end. I could have said goodbye.
I could have kept him from dying alone.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.Chapter listings: Contents Post
Author's Notes: Posted a little early because we know how cruel the last chapter was. This one's not a lot better, but at least we're moving things along.
We will do our level best to get chapter 29 up Saturday night, but I (
randomslasher) am actually flying out to California on Saturday to spend a week with thuri, so we might be too busy squeeing at each other in person to get to the chapter. But if we don't have it by Saturday, we'll post it whenever we DO have it, so either way we won't make you wait a whole week. That's enough from me. On with the chapter!
* * *
Sleep came slowly for JD, and when it finally did come, it was broken with nightmares; he woke up crying more than once, tears leaking into his pillow, Perry’s name on his lips. Eventually he rose, around three, and walked over to Jack’s crib, looking in on the child. He had only recently begun sleeping through the night, and while JD had been grateful at first, now he would’ve been happy for the distraction of a fussy baby to look after.
But Jack was asleep, wings tucked away and slits closed, one chubby thumb in his mouth, the other hand curled around his blanket.
JD watched him for a long moment, jealous of the oblivion sleep afforded Perry’s son, jealous that the boy could not understand what Perry’s absence would mean. Though he ached to know the child would now probably grow up without ever knowing the man, right now he could very nearly wish the same thing for himself. After all, if he’d never met Perry, or at least if he’d never fallen for him, it wouldn’t hurt so badly now, knowing he was out there alone, sick and maybe dying. Perry hadn’t shown any signs of the Rejection returning, not that JD had noticed, but…even if he hadn’t, being out there for three days in the snow could not be safe, and every moment that passed when Perry didn’t return only made JD’s heart sink a little lower in his chest. The marking of the minutes on the clock was hateful to him, a countdown to the moment when he would eventually have to let go of the last shred of hope within him--let go, and accept that Perry was never coming back.
He bit his lip, tears welling swiftly and suddenly; without thinking, he reached down into the crib and scooped Jack into his arms, holding him cradled into his chest. The boy stirred but did not wake, settling his head against JD’s shoulder and sighing, squirming a little before going limp again, relaxed in sleep.
JD carried him back over to the large bed, crawling up carefully and settling the child down onto the mattress before snuggling down next to him, curled protectively around the sleeping boy. Jack, one thumb still in his mouth, began opening and closing his other hand slowly, drowsily searching for his blanket, which JD had left in the crib. He offered his index finger instead, and Jack’s fist closed around it loosely, trustingly, as he settled once more. JD swallowed hard at the swift swell of love the unconscious gesture provoked within him.
“You’ll never be alone, Jacky,” he whispered, reaching out with his free hand to lightly stroke the toddler’s hair. “I promise. I’ll never leave you, not ever. Your mommy and daddy, they…they love you, so much, but they might not be able to come back. But I won’t leave you. I swear…”
He broke down, sobbing softly, careful not to wake the boy, and curled in on himself a little more, letting his tears soak the pillow case as he gazed at the sleeping child’s face.
* * *
He didn’t recall drifting off, but the dream, when it came to him, felt different than the others.
He was walking through the snow, calling Perry’s name, shivering at the icy cold that bit into his bare feet; he wrapped his wings around himself tightly and continued to search, hands cupped to his face as he called for his lover.
When he rounded a corner, he realized there was a child sitting on the ground, faintly blue, gossamer wings quivering lightly in the morning sun. His eyes went wide; abandoning his own search for a moment, he raced forward, determined to help her. She was freezing, she had to be--she wore only the thinnest layers of light, silky fabric, wrapped around her thin frame in a way that momentarily made him think of a roman toga. Her long dark hair, which reached halfway down her back, was tangled and knotted, bits of tree branches and (oddly enough, since there were none to be found on the ground) flowers and leaves braided haphazardly through it. She must’ve been out here for ages--days--and JD knew if she were cold enough to be turning blue she was in very real, very immediate danger of freezing to death.
“Hey!” he called, hurrying forward, reaching for the child automatically, ready to pull her close and wrap his wings around her to warm her (they really were excellent insulation; Perry had complained more than once about getting too hot, when JD would drape one over the older man in his sleep, and--oh. Perry…).
But when he reached her, she turned, and giggled at him, and when his hand brushed against her shoulder, he pulled back, startled, to realize she was warm. Very warm, in fact.
He stared at her, and she gazed back, large, almond-shaped eyes with gold irises and deep black pupils unblinking.
“Uh…hello,” he said eventually, realizing he must be gawking but unable to stop himself, rude though he knew it was.
“Hi,” she responded, voice musical and seeming to come from within him as well as without; as she spoke, JD fancied he could see strange threads of light weaving her words in the air before her, though they vanished as soon as he blinked, making him think it must be a trick of the morning sunlight against the ice and snow.
“Can…can you help me?” he asked after a moment. “I’m looking for someone…”
“I know,” she said. “I heard you calling for him.”
“Oh,” JD said, feeling rather at a loss. “Well…do you know where he is?”
She cocked her head at him, then giggled again, and suddenly she was on her feet, at eye-level with him. A soft breeze surrounded them, and JD realized with a start that it was from the near-silent flitting of her wings as she hovered before him, maybe two feet off the ground. He took an involuntary step backwards, and she giggled again. Moving forward, she kissed his nose, a soft childish peck, and whispered, “Do not worry.”
Then she began to hum softly, and even when she vanished the song went on; it wove itself into JD’s heart, bolstering him, and as he stood there, alone and barefoot in the snow, he realized he felt warmer than he had in days.
* * *
JD woke up the next morning to Jack tugging on his hair, and sighed as he felt himself drawn back to consciousness, already missing the deep, peaceful sleep that had eventually taken him. He knew he’d dreamed, after bringing Jack to bed with him, but he couldn’t recall exactly what he’d dreamed, only that it had somehow left him feeling warm, almost content. But as Jack continued to tug at his hair, the last shreds of the feeling drifted away, scattering into the morning light that drifted through the window, and he sighed, aching a little to let it go.
He couldn't help smiling, though, when he felt Jack’s small hand softly patting his face. "Daydee? Up?"
Instead of answering, JD slid his wing between them, so Jack couldn't see him, before lifting it up quickly. "Peek-a-boo!" he crowed softly.
The boy shrieked in delight, clapping his hands. “Gain! Gain!”
JD smiled, and complied, and for a while, was able to forget.
It was harder, during the day. When Jack had eventually grown tired of their game and started playing with one of JD’s feathers, he’d pushed himself reluctantly out of the warmth of the bed, gathering the child in his arms and heading downstairs to meet the others for breakfast. Elliot was already moving about the kitchen, making omelets with Sean, and he’d offered them a wan smile, accepting the plate the centauress offered him and moving into the living room. He set the plate on the table, settling Jack in with his toys, and opened his laptop again.
“JD,” he heard Elliot murmur softly, as she clopped out of the kitchen and moved to stand behind him, “are you sure you should be…?”
“I need to know,” was all he’d answered, and she’d sighed, nodding, before moving to rejoin Sean at the stove.
He spent the morning doing more online searches, looking for cases of people who’d survived rejection, but the article Turk had showed him the day before seemed to be correct: the people who'd been initially saved through his treatment still died, a few days, a week, or a month later. They would start to have mild symptoms--dizziness, headache, stuff like that--then they’d fall into a coma, and finally they’d just…slip away. No marked distress, no warning. They simply died, their systems shutting down quietly and without much fuss.
JD eventually had to close the laptop, trying desperately not to picture Perry out there, alone and dying, but it was nearly impossible not to do so.
Eventually, he decided to let the others distract him, accepting their advances--anything to try and rid his mind of the images it was conjuring. Elliot suggested a movie, and JD agreed, heading upstairs to fetch the extra box of DVDs he'd packed away into the closet.
He reached up, tugging the string to turn on the closet light, then knelt, tugging the box forward--and paused, frowning, when he realized there was a book on top of the DVDs. A yearbook, from the looks of it, though it was lying face down. He picked it up and flipped it over.
University of California, San Diego Medical School, Class of 1989.
The words were stamped across the green leather binding in gold lettering, gleaming up at him in the dim light of the hanging bulb. His frown deepened, and he moved backwards, carrying the book with him, settling onto the edge of the bed.
Perry's--the book had to be Perry's. The year was right, the university was right--but how did it get here? It hadn't been in the box when he'd packed it, he knew that. So that meant Perry had put it there since they'd arrived.
But why?
He swallowed, hesitating, then opened the book with trembling fingers, desire to see Perry's picture outweighing the knowledge that such a sight would doubtless cause him pain. He opened the book, intending to flip to the index, but paused, frowning, when it fell open to a page with a piece of notebook paper stuck inside.
He reached for the paper, pulling it out, wondering if it was an old love letter or something, then froze when he saw the picture on the pages between which the paper had been tucked.
"Perry," he whispered, fingers trembling as he reached forward and lightly traced the glossy image on the page.
Posed pictures of the older doctor didn't always take well. Even JD had to admit that. Perry's smile, unless it was a genuine, caught off-guard smile, tended to look more like a grimace, at best, or a snarl at worst.
But the picture before him now was different. It was black and white, and looked to be in a library or a study lounge of some sort. It was one of those candid shots, like the ones Ben had always been so fond of taking. In it, Perry was reading, sprawled in a leather lounge chair in front of a set of large french windows. The book in his lap, though JD couldn't see the title, was clearly a text of some sort--some gargantuan medical tome or another. It was propped open across his thighs, and he was gazing down at it, a gentle look of concentration on his face. He wore a pair of thin, wire-rimmed reading glasses, but rather than making him look geeky, they actually made him look sexier. One hand was by his mouth, holding a pen, whose lid he was chewing thoughtfully. The other was curled easily around the book, supporting it; the tendons in his hand stood out, emphasized by the dark shadows and black and white tones of the photo. Perry himself wore a dark button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, denim jeans, and a pair of hiking boots, and even though JD was sure the picture had been taken by one of the school's media club members, it had come out looking professionally composed--no doubt that was why they'd decided to feature it in the center. The light filtered through the dusty library window, highlighting his curling hair, which was a little longer than it was now, and twice as unruly. The caption beneath read, "UCSD student Perry Cox studies for his final exams. April 12, 1989." Below that, someone--one of Perry's friends from school, no doubt--had scrawled "Oooooh, chew that pen you naughty boy!"
JD drew a shuddery breath, heart beating hard and fast in his throat. 1989--Perry was twenty-six in the picture. So young...younger than JD was now. And something in his face, his eyes...he cared. Oh, JD knew he'd always cared, but this Perry was the Perry that reminded Jordan of JD himself, the one that Carla claimed had been just as nervous, just as idealistic as he. This was a Perry who, though he'd certainly faced hardships, had not yet been so hurt that he'd turned his back on the rest of the world, building up a hard shell around his heart that no one had been able to break through.
This was a Perry who still had some hope, some faith in the promise life had to offer him.
JD drew another sharp breath, the image blurring in front of him, and he reached up to wipe hastily at his cheeks. He swallowed, hard, picking up the piece of paper, intending to tuck it back between the pages undisturbed.
And that was when he saw his initials scrawled across the front, in Perry's distinctive handwriting.
He dropped the paper as though it were on fire, staring at it, eyes wide. It fluttered to the floor, landing with his initials facing up, and for a long moment, he stared at it, afraid to pick it up, to see what Perry might've written.
Then, unable to resist, he slid to the floor, reaching with badly shaking fingers to pick it up again. Drawing a deep breath, casting his eyes momentarily heavenward, he unfolded the note, and began to read.
JD,
I'm sorry. God, kid, I'm so sorry. I know no matter how many times I say that, it won't make up for what I've done to you, but it's true. I don't think I've ever been sorrier for anything in my life, and that's saying something, Newbie, because I've done my fair share of stupid things. But none of them have hurt as much as this one does.
I lied to you, JD, and what's worse, I hurt you by it. Worse still, I did it on purpose, to drive you away. I'll understand if you can't forgive me, but I ask you to please let me explain. I had to do it. To protect you, to keep you safe. But I'd give just about anything to be able to take it all back. God, JD, to think of all the time I wasted, when things could have been normal for us...it hurts almost as much as this does. I couldn't swallow my fucking pride, and I wasted so much time...
If you've found this letter, it probably means I've been gone for a while, and if that's the case, I'm probably not coming back. The rejection...JD, it's fatal. The treatment is a stall, at best; the body can't stay trapped between one form and another. I don't think the system knows how to support itself, half-changed. I think the original cells and the new cells start attacking each other, and the body finally loses the energy to keep fighting itself, and just gives up.
That's why I did what I did. That's why I left. JD, I'm dying.
I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you. I wanted to. God, JD, you don't know how badly I wanted to tell you--how badly I want to go outside right now and hold you, make your tears stop, admit to everything, let you help me. But I can't.
I'm going to look for help. I...there are rumors of these creatures--the Fae, they're calling them--and I'm going to look for them. I've been having dreams, and...well, I think if anyone can help me now, they can.
Please don't come after me, JD. I said what I did to keep you from doing so, but even after you read this, please don't try to find me. I don't ask for much, you know that, but I'm asking you--no, I'm begging you--don't come looking for me. These Fae, I don't know who they are or why they're here, but if they're dangerous, it's better that only one of us has to find that out the hard way.
If I don't come back, I want you to look after Jack for me. I know you will--I've seen you with him, and I have no doubts you love him like your own son. Which he is, JD. And he's going to need you now.
JD, I also want to thank you. For staying by me, for seeing through my crap, for calling me on it time and time again. But more than that, thank you for reminding me that there are good people left in the world, that I don't have to push everyone away all the time, that I can still have friends--a family--despite my flaws. Thank you for being that family for me, JD, even if we only had a little while. You made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Whatever happens, please know I love you. So much. That hasn't changed, and it never will. I'm so sorry I had to leave you thinking anything else, but please believe me when I tell you I never meant those things I said. Not for one moment. And please believe me when I tell you if there's any possible way to do so, I'll come back to you someday.
You'll be okay. I know you will. You're strong--so much stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I love you, Newbie. Please take care of yourself.
Yours always,
Perry
JD whimpered very softly, his fingers lightly tracing a spot of smeared ink and wavery paper that could only be a tearstain. "Damn you, Perry Cox," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "Damn you."
Oh, he should have known...should have seen what Perry was doing. But he'd been too blinded by his own selfish pain to realize that Perry was driving him away. And while a part of his soul that was sobbing with relief, knowing Perry had never stopped loving him, it only made the pain in his heart that much harder to bear.
I let him go. I failed him.
Then he frowned, suddenly. That wasn't right, was it? After all, Perry had wanted him to let him go; had lashed out intentionally, in the only way he knew for certain could keep JD from following him, from forcing Perry to talk to him. He'd struck out deliberately, with the intent to wound, because he apparently didn't trust JD to understand why he needed to go in the first place. Sure, he'd said he was sorry--but how much faith could he have in JD, really, that he felt it necessary to hurt him instead of just being honest with him?
"Why didn't you just tell me?" he choked, squeezing his eyes more tightly, bowing his head. "I wouldn't have liked it, but I would've let you go..."
He opened his eyes again, letting out a deep breath, and they fell again on the picture the letter had been hiding. A sob caught in his throat, and he dropped the letter, burying his face in his hands. Three days, since Perry had left, knowing he was dying. Three days in the bitter weather outside, trying to find creatures who didn't want to be discovered...and who might be dangerous, for all anyone knew. Who might not even exist.
"I'm not this strong," JD whispered, curling up around Perry's pillow again, slow, silent tears seeping out and soaking into it.
Elliot found him there, coming up to see what was taking so long.
"JD?" she said softly, knocking on the door. "Weren't you going to get the mov--JD!" she broke off with a gasp when she saw him, eyes widening. "JD, what is it?"
"Perry's dead. He left because he was dying..." JD's voice sounded strange to his own ears, distant and much too calm. "He left me...he left me a note."
"He...y-you're sure?" Elliot whispered. "You're sure?"
He handed her the note numbly, too far gone to care that Perry'd probably meant it to be private; as Elliot read, her eyes filled abruptly with tears. She pressed her fingers to her mouth, blinking hard, then looked up at JD, still curled in on himself, gazing blankly ahead. She lowered her hand slowly, and took a tentative step forward. "Oh, JD..."
"It's my fault," JD said softly. "If I hadn't...hadn't told him how I felt, he'd've though he was going mer and could stay with Jordan...He wouldn't have gone into rejection." He knew, distantly, that he was being ridiculous, but couldn't seem to stop himself.
Elliot shook her head helplessly, biting her lip against JD's emotionless voice and blank eyes. "JD, you can't...you can't know that. There's Jack, and you..." she trailed off, then shook her head again, stamping one foot, tail swishing anxiously. "It's not your fault," she said again. "You did everything you could to save him."
JD chuckled, a painful sound. "And it wasn't enough," he said. He shook his head, burrowing closer into the pillow, breathing deeply of Perry's scent, wondering just how long it would be before he'd lose even this tenuous connection to the other man. "Elliot, he didn't even...he didn't even let me say goodbye," he whispered. "Didn't let me be there for him, at the end..." He choked, then shook his head again, turned away from her, wings closing in around his body. "I want to be alone," he said dully. "Please."
Elliot swallowed, looking like she wanted to protest, but unable to think of the words to comfort her friend. She sighed, backing up, but paused in the doorway. "JD," she murmured, voice low with sympathy. "I know...I know how hard this is for you, and I understand why you want to be alone, but don't forget we're here, okay? We love you, and we need you, too." She bit her lip, then added, "You know, I...I never saw Dr. Cox as happy as he was when he was with you. I don't think, if he were here now, he would have any regrets."
"Yeah?" JD mumbled. "Well, he's not, is he?"
He heard her sigh again, heard the door shut behind her, and let out a long, shuddering breath, wondering why he wasn't crying. Why he couldn't seem to.
Instead he lay there, just breathing, trying to shake the certainty within him that Perry was dead. If he could believe, even for a moment, that he'd found help...
But the odds were against it, and he knew it. Even if the older man had somehow found the Fae, God only knew what they'd do to him. And despite Perry's pleas, JD couldn't deny how much he was tempted to go looking, anyway.
But he couldn't. Perry had asked him not to, and Jack...Jack needed him.
Jack. JD sighed softly, squeezing his eyes shut. Elliot was right: he couldn't risk himself, now, and leave the boy alone. For a moment, he almost resented it. Resented that he couldn't run off, lose himself somehow, just fly until he couldn't fly anymore, embracing welcome oblivion...
But he had to be there. Had to stay, fulfill his promise and raise Perry's son, since the other man couldn't do it himself.
He knew he should get up. Go downstairs, tell the others, look after Jack...
But the thought of even moving was too much, and so JD stayed as he was, wrapped in his grief.
Eventually he slept.
* * *
Carla came for him, later. He'd expected it, of course, but he wanted to groan when she woke him. In his sleep, he could forget. In his dreams, Perry was alive.
"Bambi?" he heard her whisper again softly, and he opened his eyes slowly to see her sitting on her haunches next to his bed. Her eyes were soft, her face sympathetic and compassionate. "Hey, sweetie," she said, offering him a sad smile. "It's dinnertime. Elliot and I made soup and grilled cheese; I thought I'd see if you wanted to come down."
"No," JD said tersely, the sound muffled by the pillow as he turned his head resolutely away from her.
He heard her small intake of breath, and moments later, felt her hand alight upon his shoulder.
"Bambi, I'm so sorry," she murmured gently. "I know it hurts."
Elliot had told them, then. JD actually laughed, though there was no humor in the sound. He turned toward her, eyebrows raised incredulously, a humorless smirk on his face. "Do you?" he asked, his voice a mockery of politeness. "Do you, really? Imagine it was Turk, Carla. Imagine he needed help, and you brushed him off. Imagine you drove him away when he needed you the most--then lost him forever because of it." His voice was tight with self-loathing, and the smirk turned to a horrible grin, which stretched grotesquely across his face. He shook his head slowly. "No," he said derisively. "I don't think you do know."
Carla's mouth was hanging open, but after a moment she snapped it shut, eyebrows drawing together. "JD," she argued, "you didn't drive him away--he broke up with you, remember? You can't honestly think--"
"I fell for it, Carla!" JD cried suddenly. He pushed himself off the mattress, getting up to his hands and knees and crawling to the edge of the bed, leaning closer to her, eyes filled with furious tears. "He played me, yeah--but I let him do it. God..." He sat back on his heels, raising his hands to his hair and clutching it for a moment in his fists. "He thanked me, you know," he said finally, and now his voice was dull. "In his letter. He thanked me for always seeing through his crap, and calling him on it. But I didn't, did I? When it really mattered, I fell for it just like everyone else. Carla...I let him down. I failed him." He shook his head, dropping his hands into his lap, eyes going distant again; the tears that had risen to his eyes slipped down his cheeks, unnoticed, but no others rose to take their place. "I let him go," he whispered, gaze turning toward the window. "And now he's dead."
"You don't know that," Carla whispered weakly, her own tears streaming freely. "JD, you don't know that. He went to find help. How do you know he didn't...?" she trailed off, biting her lip.
JD chuckled ruefully. "Yeah," he said, voice hoarse and bitter with sarcasm. "I bet he did. I bet he found the tall blue fairy men, and they waved their magic wands and poof, everything was all better, and he'll be back any minute now."
"Bambi..."
"He died out there, Carla," JD gritted. "He died alone in the cold, thinking he didn't have anywhere else to go." He turned to look at her, and his face crumpled, the tears finally coming in earnest. "Why did I let him?" he whimpered. "Carla, why did I let him go?"
Carla sobbed; in a movement that would have startled JD, if he hadn't been so ridden with grief and guilt, she stood and leaped lightly on to the bed, settling down before him and gathering him into her arms.
JD didn't resist, but he didn't reciprocate, either. He lay heavy in her arms, brow pressed to her shoulder, tears soaking into her shirt. "I let him go, and now I can't even follow him..."
"What could you do for him, though, even if you could follow?" Carla reminded him in a quivering voice, stroking his hair. "You couldn't have saved him, sweetheart. You already did everything you knew to try--what more could you have done?"
JD bit his lip, but didn't answer her, or try to correct her. If that was what she thought...well, fine. He'd let her think it. Honestly, in a way, she was right: he couldn't have done anything. At least, not in terms of halting the rejection, or saving Perry's life. And rationally, he knew it wouldn't always hurt like this; knew he'd stop blaming himself, eventually.
But he didn't think he'd ever stop wishing it had been him, instead.
So he merely fell silent, let Carla comfort him, and feigned sleep as soon as he thought he could get away with it.
As Carla gently lowered him back down and slid sinuously off the bed, JD squeezed his eyes shut again, tears leaking out slowly. It was only after she closed the door that he answered her question, whispering it into the tear-soaked pillowcase: "I could have been with him."
I could have held him at the end. I could have said goodbye.
I could have kept him from dying alone.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:01 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:02 (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:07 (UTC)MORE.
no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:47 (UTC);)
Sorry this was evil!! More is up, promise!!!
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:14 (UTC)HURTS SO GOOD. MORE PLEASE.
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 05:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:24 (UTC)no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:47 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:31 (UTC)I could have held him at the end. I could have said goodbye.
I could have kept him from dying alone.
Fuck damnit. FUCK DAMNIT!
Thank you for posting this a bit early. Oh god, I'm gonna log off and cry now xD. Oh Perry, please be alright... please... I need a happy ending here.
This is what comes from listening to "Make This Go On Forever" when reading Changeling. Especially this chapter. DAMNIT!
Ah, last note, for some reason, the song "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne seems like the quintessential piece to describe Changeling for me. I'm seriously going to have to make a fanmix for Changeling if ya'll don't mind, because this is just a bloody fucking brilliant tale.
*gives you lots of love* Please get the next up soon. Good god, only 5 chapters left...
Oh Perry, be ok ;-;
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:38 (UTC)As for the rest, well...I'm sorry you're crying! Just...hang on for the next part, kay?
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:37 (UTC)no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:44 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:38 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 05:31 (UTC)Hang in there!
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 04:54 (UTC)no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:43 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 06:27 (UTC)Just as i had stopped myself leaking tears you had to write those last three sentences that set me off again.
I don't think i have ever read such an emotional story before. This is beyond brilliant.
no subject
Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:00 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 06:50 (UTC)more please! *waits impatiently clinging to jd/dr cox plushies*
no subject
Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:01 (UTC)And man, I want plushies, too. We are stopping by Build-a-Bear to make JD and Perry teddys today, though...
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 12:31 (UTC)I was hoping JD wouldn't find the letter so soon because I didn't think he was ready. He's so broken it just hurts to read.
Carla sobbed; in a movement that would have startled JD, if he hadn't been so ridden with grief and guilt, she stood and leaped lightly on to the bed, settling down before him and gathering him into her arms.
I love these subtle reminders of everyone's change. The fit perfectly with the story and help me stay in this universe.
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Date: 14 Mar 2007 19:21 (UTC)So was Perry. That's why he was hiding it. He just got distracted by Sean's arrival. *sighs* Poor JD...
Glad you're still enjoying this!
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 14:17 (UTC)no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:42 (UTC)Next chapter's up!
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Date: 14 Mar 2007 14:28 (UTC)But still, your skill makes up for it, so I'm not mad. x_x but, I will say I sure as hell am gonna be impatient until Saturday comes along...if it gets posted by that time.
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Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:02 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 14:32 (UTC)THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT BETTER.
*sulks*
C'mon, post up the next part ... I'm stressed enough with finals, and now I'm sitting here in the lounge crying! (That guy over there is looking at me like I'm a terrifying creature; bet he'd really think I was weird if I told him what's got me all upset.)
This is beautifully written, as always, but godDAMNit it's sad! You said there are what, 30 chapters of this thing, then a sequel? I'll have no more nails by then (chewing them off) and my sanity really will be completely gone.
Worth it, though. This is gorgeous, you two! ♥
~m
no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:38 (UTC)It's 33 chapters plus an epilogue. The sequel is in the works, but isn't anywhere near finished, so it'll be awhile before it's up. but never fear! we round out this one so it's not terribly cliffish; we won't leave you hanging evilly or anything like that.
Glad you like it so much!!
(no subject)
From:Excelbrilfulawestic
Date: 14 Mar 2007 14:44 (UTC)*pitched a tent in front of her computer, roasting marshmallows while waiting for the next chapter to come up*
*Love this story like a fat kid loves cake*
~Ricka~
Re: Excelbrilfulawestic
Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:03 (UTC)And we'll definitely try to have the next part up by tonight, but rest assured it'll be up as soon as it's done, no matter what day of the week that is!
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Date: 14 Mar 2007 15:13 (UTC)I know that I should be screaming at you for leaving us with another cliffie, or begging for another update. But I'm not. (Although I hope that you realize that the begging for an update is implied, yes?)
Instead, I'm happy! Because I have clean sheets on my bed, the Fae have heard JD, and I actually think I'm doing ok in my classes and love conquers all. I like being in a good mood. It's nice.
And it reinforces how much I love this story. Because even in a chapter where JD thinks that his soul mate (deargod I'm being mushy, but let's face it, it's true ^_^) is dead... I see that there is hope! And it is superbly written, with such vivid imagery and obvious love for the universe that you've created and the characters that you've put in it, and can be nail-gnawingly tense, lip-bitingly hot, toe-curlingly cute, and heart-achingly tender.
You guys really are incredibly talented.
And I'm waiting for your drawing of Per's picture from the yearbook. ::nods:: Yup. You don't get away with describing something like that and not drawing it... ::pines for drawing::
YAAAAAY!
no subject
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:32 (UTC)Glad you're happy, glad you still like the chapter, and the next chapter's up so I hope you enjoy it as well! *snuggles*
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 18:20 (UTC)--Alissa
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Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:05 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 21:52 (UTC)*puts on fancy accent* Vonderfal dahlings.
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Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:31 (UTC)Glad you liked it!! The next chappie's up. :)
no subject
Date: 14 Mar 2007 23:21 (UTC)*whimper*
Why must you wound me so? You and your beautiful words and your gorgeous descriptions. Darn you to heck. That's right, I said darn!
But it was soooo good. And I teared up this time, but I didn't cry... So I guess it wasn't as bad. *waits for the next chapter*
P.S. Please make the next one a little happier. I don't think my heart can take anymore angst. (Yes it can, who am I kidding? But still...) *is hopeful*
no subject
Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:11 (UTC)And I'm sorry we are wounding you, but I promise it'll all be worth it. Or at least...I hope so.
no subject
Date: 15 Mar 2007 00:56 (UTC)*sobs*
My heart hurts!
You and your fucking cliffies.
So sad it hurts.
Great work.
post soon.
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Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:29 (UTC)no subject
Date: 15 Mar 2007 01:20 (UTC)Perry HAS to be alright. I'm watching you. :lurks in shdows in a vaguely threatening manner:
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Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:12 (UTC)We'll get the next part up as soon as we can, promise!
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Date: 15 Mar 2007 02:30 (UTC)Have fun hanging together! I'll forgive you if you don't post.
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Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:28 (UTC)no subject
Date: 15 Mar 2007 15:46 (UTC)no subject
Date: 18 Mar 2007 15:13 (UTC)And actually, there will be more. We're already working on the sequel. ;D
Where'd all the updates go?
Date: 19 Mar 2007 03:24 (UTC)Please add the next chapter, its late sunday night...past saturday!!! *sniffle*
Re: Where'd all the updates go?
Date: 20 Mar 2007 03:22 (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 Apr 2007 04:49 (UTC)My heart aches once again, and I know that I'm probably going to stay up so that I can read the rest of these chapters tonight, screw any speech that I have to do.