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randomweavingTitle: Imaginary Friend
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
Author's Note: This story now has a cover illustration! Drawn by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
randomslasher, colored by thuri.
Imaginary Friend Cover
Perry was crying silently into his pillow, when JD opened his eyes, and found himself sitting on the boy's bed. He shifted, slightly, not wanting to scare him. "Hi, Perry," he whispered softly, distantly wondering why, since he knew he was dreaming, he couldn't seem to wake up.
Perry gasped a little, jerking his head around, then smiled broadly, despite the tears that were still leaking down his chubby cheeks. "I knew you'd come back," he said proudly, pushing himself into a sitting position.
JD blushed, ashamedly pushing his wish to wake up far, far away. He didn't know what was going on, but there was no way he'd want to leave now, and deny this boy the joy he seemed to have in JD's presence. Even if he was just a dream. "'Course I came back," he said gently. "Friends have to stick together, you know."
"For really real?" Perry asked him, sliding a little closer. "Like Toto and the Lone Ranger?"
JD smiled softly, imagining Dorothy's dog scampering after a horse. "Yes, just like them. I don't know how often I'll get to see you, Perry, but we're friends. Promise. And I'll be here as much as I can..." Seemed a strange thing to promise a dream, but he couldn't resist.
"Mama said you wasn't real," Perry said, smile slipping a little, and JD understood the reason for the boy's tears. "I told her about you, 'cuz I wanned to tell her I made a friend, but she said you was... was..." he frowned suddenly, face screwing up rather comically, then ventured, "'maginry?"
"Imaginary," JD offered, feeling a small twinge of irony: his imaginary little friend was worried because he might be imaginary? Talk about an existential paradox...
Perry nodded vigorously, eyes wide. "Yeah! Imaginrary. And Daddy said I didn't have no friends, 'cuz I'm a bad boy." He wilted suddenly, looking so crestfallen that JD had to resist the urge to pull him into his arms. Dream or no, he wasn't sure how well the little boy would react to any physical gestures from anyone older or larger than him--particularly if he had a history of abuse--so he refrained.
He didn't stop himself from speaking up, though. "You are not a bad boy, Perry," he said, gently but firmly. "You're not. I just met you and I can tell that much."
Perry looked up at him, face hopeful, if still laced with doubt. "How do you know?" he whispered. "How do you know I'm not really bad?" he looked around, then leaned forward. "I spilled some juice yesterday," he confessed, eyes wide. "Don't tell daddy! I cleaned it up. But only bad boys spill, right?"
"All boys spill," JD told him seriously, heart aching again. God, this boy just made him want to hold him close and protect him from the whole world. "Girls too. You can't help it, you're still growing up! Your arms and hands don't always do what you want them to yet. You'll spill less when you get older. But it doesn't make you bad that you do now. I spilled a lot."
"For really real?" Perry asked, eyes still wide.
JD nodded solemnly. "For really real. My mom said she should call me her own walking disaster. But then she'd laugh. It doesn't make you bad, Perry, I promise."
Perry stared at him for a moment longer, then smiled, shyly, looking up at JD from beneath his mop of curly reddish hair. "I like you," he said.
This kid was dangerous, JD decided, grinning slightly. "I like you, too."
Perry slid from his bed and tugged JD's hand. "Come on!" he said. "Let's play baseball for pretend, with Billy Bear. You can be the batter, only you'll have to use the Barbie 'cuz that's the only other thing they had at the toy bin when we went at Christmastime, but for pretend she can be a boy, okay?"
JD swallowed, but nodded, following Perry and obeying his orders as the boy set up their pretend game of baseball. The Barbie was really in bad shape, most of her hair gone and part of her left foot broken off, but that didn't seem to matter to Perry. JD made her swing her pretend bat, and run to the bases they'd established from a sock, a scrap of red construction paper, a half-empty crayon box, and a Hot Wheel with three wheels. Perry scampered about, pretending to be the rest of the team and the announcer, and JD found himself laughing frequently at the child's antics. What he lacked in resources he made up for in imagination, and JD was at once touched and saddened, that he had to. He found himself wishing there was some way he could bring Perry a gift--more toys, maybe, or a baseball glove or hat of his very own. He even tried willing said items into existence (hey, if it was a dream, he ought to be able to do that, right?) but with no success.
Soon enough, in the tradition of most young children, Perry wore himself out, and curled up next to JD, leaning against his side, thumb in his mouth, eyes drooping. JD supported him, wrapping an arm around the child's shoulders and letting his fingers drift into his hair, stroking through the wayward curls and biting his lip.
If this was a dream, it was the most realistic and poignant dream he'd ever had in his life. And it was recurring. Those two things combined surely meant it was important, somehow, but...what could it mean? He was starting to almost feel like an older brother to the child, or even a father, but...it wasn't as though he was just dying to be a father himself. Someday, sure, but not right now--lord knew he couldn't handle a kid right now, with the internship and his debts...
But if it wasn't that, then what was it? He frowned as Perry snuggled closer, beginning to snore lightly, and tried to remember his psych classes. Freudian dream analysis had always been a topic of which he'd been rather skeptical, interesting as it was, and it amused him, but he hadn't committed much of it to memory. Most of it seemed to be about sexual repression, or unresolved anger, or...
His frown grew, and he straightened a little, glancing down at Perry. Was that it? Unresolved anger for the injustice of his own lonely childhood? He'd certainly wished for a friend more than once when he was little, ridiculed by his brother and pressured to perform by his mother, but...well, he'd never been physically abused, not by his father at any rate, so where had that part come from?
And why, if this was a dream, was he thinking so clearly about it?
Perry shifted again, and one of his hands came up to fist in the hem of JD's t-shirt. JD stared down at the chubby little fingers, then reached down and covered the pale hand with his own, noting how completely he engulfed it. God, if this was a dream...well. He'd never fallen in love with a dream before, but he was fast on his way, he knew. Perry was about the sweetest, most clever child he'd ever met, and even though it wasn't real, JD still found himself wishing he could take the child out of there. Rescue him, even if it was from the recesses of his own consciousness.
The sound of a door closing from across the house made the boy jerk awake abruptly, and JD started a little, surprised at the reaction. Perry looked around wildly for a moment, then realized JD was still there, and smiled a gap-toothed smile at him. "You didna go away," he said, soft wonder in his voice.
JD smiled back, hugging him closer for a moment. "I'll stay as long as I can, Perry, promise. I like it here with you. Do you want to play more, or maybe I could tell you a story?"
Perry thought. "A story," he announced after a moment.
JD nodded, glancing around. "Where are your storybooks?" he asked without thinking.
Perry looked up at him, tilting his head. "Where's what?"
JD bit the inside of his cheek, wishing even more to take the boy away, get him into a family that'd appreciate how bright he was, and try to nuture it. "Well, that's okay, I know enough stories to tell you without needing the books in front of us. Once upon a time, in a far off land there lived a sad young lad..." And off he went into the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, in as much detail as he could remember, doing voices at the right parts, trying to tell the tale just as his Grandpa had told it first to him.
Perry sat wide-eyed the entire time, a wonderfully reactive audience, gasping at the frightening parts with the giant, giggling when Jack found the palace full of giant food and gold, and bouncing in his seat when Jack defeated the giant by chopping down the stalk. "And they never had to worry about anything ever again," JD finished dramatically, "because they had the giant's gold, and best of all? Jack was able to buy his cow again. And they all lived happily ever after!"
Perry giggled, squirming and rising to his feet. "Let's play that!" he crowed, scouring his room and finally pulling a wooden hanger out of his closet, brandishing it like a sword. "I'll be Jack! And you c'n be the giant 'cuz you're really big, and Billy Bear can be the cow!"
JD laughed, climbing to his feet, watching as Perry once again began to create worlds with nothing but his imagination. But his laugh vanished just as quickly when he suddenly realized the room around him was fading a little, and he was being pulled inexorably toward the faint, rhythmic beeping he could hear in the distance.
Alarm clock.
"Perry," JD said quickly, urgency in his voice causing the child to pause in his game set up and look back at him, confused. "Perry, I have to go now."
Perry's eyes went wide. "Why? Was I bad?" he asked softly.
"No, no not at all," JD said quickly, falling to his knees and reaching for the boy. "I've had so much fun with you, but I'm waking up at home, now, and I can't stay...But I'll be back. As soon as I can, I promise. With more stories."
Perry only stared at him sadly, a resigned look in his eyes that made him look much, much older than his four years. "'Kay," he said softly. "Bye bye, JD."
JD opened his mouth to reply, but the dream was fading fast, and when the words did come out of his mouth, he found he was slurring them to his empty bedroom, his alarm blinking six oh four. A few seconds later, there was a knock at the door, and Turk stuck his head in, looking annoyed. "Dude, would you wake up and turn that off? This is like my only day off in three weeks and I want to sleep in."
"What...Oh, sorry," JD replied, hitting the alarm. Shit, he was going to be late...He just hoped he hadn't been lying to Perry, telling him he'd be back. He wanted to see the boy again, badly, wanted to help him all he could. Maybe...maybe he could stop by the library, get some storybooks, at least read them and remember the stories, if he couldn't bring them along... "What?"
"I said, you're late, and I don't want to hear you bitching about Cox again tonight, so get going." Turk shut the door and disappeared again, muttering to himself.
JD shook himself and did as he was told, mind still back with Perry. There were some children's books in the playroom in pediatrics, if he recalled correctly. Maybe on his break he'd go take a look at a few of them...
* * *
There were.
During his lunch break, JD had gone down to the ward, and tracked down a small book case full of them. Grabbing a few at random off the top shelf, he tucked them under his arm and headed back to the on-call room, deciding he'd be less likely to be noticed reading Goodnight Moon, Pickle Things, and Green Eggs and Ham than if he tried reading them in the break room.
Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to check who was on call.
"You know, Angela, it's good to finally see you reading intelligence-appropriate literature."
JD jerked, sitting up so quickly he cracked his head on the bunk above him. He cursed, dropping the book--Goodnight Moon--and brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing the quickly-growing welt. "Shit, don't you ever knock?"
Cox folded his arms, leaning in the door frame and looking too amused to be put off by JD's snap. "Just tell me you don't get your jollies off on the Berenstain Bears."
JD looked up at him and glowered. "I'm...reading to kids in pediatrics," he muttered.
Cox looked around, surveying the room, then looked back at JD. "Funny," he said lightly. "We don't seem to be in pediatrics, and I've looked, but I just don't see any kids."
"I'm going to read to them later--you know what, forget it. I'm a little girl, I read children's books, blah blah blah etcetera." JD bent and retrieved the fallen book, feeling too tired to fight with his attending. "Do you want something?"
Cox brushed his nose with his thumb. "You know," he said, voice a little less amused, "it's not as fun when you do that."
JD stood, one hand still covering his forehead. "Yeah, well it's..." he trailed off, suddenly, when he realized he was dizzy; he threw out his other hand, catching himself on the bunk before he fell again, dropping the book to the ground and lowering his hand, frowning when his fingers came away bloody. "Shit..."
Cox sighed, sounding exasperated, but stepped forward. "Let me see."
JD scowled, jerking away, reaching for the book again but staggering, nearly falling. Cox grabbed his arm and dragged him back to his feet, then forcibly pulled JD's hand away from his brow. "Let me see," he growled.
JD sighed, closing his eyes as the older doctor examined his forehead, fingertips surprisingly gentle against his skin. "Go get a bandage," he said after a minute. "And put some ice on it. You shouldn't need stitches, but for crying out loud, Newbie, try not to knock that skull of yours into any more metal bed frames, would you, please? I need you able to work."
"Then don't startle me," JD muttered, feeling sullen about his injury, but a little less annoyed than he had. At least Cox was being halfway decent...
Cox snorted, bending to retrieve the book, which had fallen halfway under the bed. "All right. Next time I see you're so thoroughly engaged in..." he paused, glancing at the book to read the title, then suddenly frowned, trailing off.
JD waited, shifting from foot to foot, then lifted his eyebrow. "Uh...Dr. Cox?"
"Goodnight Moon?" Cox muttered, frowning as he ran his fingertips over the cover.
"Um...yeah?" What the hell was this all about? JD smirked, suddenly feeling a little mischievous. "It's from pediatrics, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you wanted to borrow it..."
That seemed to snap Cox from whatever weird trance had taken him over. "No," he growled, shoving the book back into JD's chest. "I was just surprised you'd chosen a book with a two-syllable word in the title. Ambitious." He drew away and brushed his hand over his hair, still looking a little distracted.
"I'm doing my best with it," JD replied, smirk fading--Cox actually looked genuinely perturbed about something. "Dr. Cox? Are you okay?"
"Fine," Cox snapped. He looked at JD, eyes flickering up to his forehead, then back to his face. "Go home, Newbie. Take care of that."
"I still have four more hours--"
"I'll cover for you. If you hit your head hard enough to get dizzy when you stood up you don't need to be looking after patients." Cox nodded toward the book. "Take that with you, if you want. Let me know how it ends."
JD lifted his eyebrows, feeling even more surprised. "All right, if...if you're sure. Thanks, Dr. Cox."
He waited for the glare, the whistle, the disparaging remark--but to his shock, Cox just nodded. "Whatever. Go home, kid." Then, spinning on his heels, he turned and walked back out of the room.
JD frowned, glancing down at the cover of the book in his arms. What on earth had that been all about?
Then, deciding he wasn't going to stick around long enough for Cox to change his mind, he grabbed the other books from the bedspread and, stopping only long enough to tell Carla where he was going, headed back out to his car. No way he was going to complain about half a day off, after all...
* * *
Perry loved the books.
JD memorized them easily--med school had given him enough practice with that--and the next time he visited, that very night, he'd recited them to him, in dramatic voice, acting out what he could. Perry giggled, gasped, clapped and cheered, and JD beamed, feeling a swell of pride that he'd made the child so happy. He'd decided the best way to handle the dreams would be to try to do what needed to be done in them. If his subconscious gave him an unhappy child, well...JD would do his damndest to cheer him up. He wished, more than ever, that he could actually physically help the boy--take him out of the situation, or at least bring him toys or food or books.
But as time passed, he grew to accept he couldn't. He settled for being Perry's playmate, confidante, and more frequently than he cared for, his comforter, when Perry'd had a run in with his father. He found himself having dreams about the child several times a night, sometimes more, and he even occasionally seemed to drift into them during the day, though the amount of time spent with Perry never seemed to match the time he was lost in his daydreams. In fact, no one else even seemed to notice he was having them, even when he'd been gone for what felt like hours. He'd drift off, and snap back to reality to find himself still standing in line at the cafeteria, or watching the same commercial that had been on before his fantasy. He thought about mentioning them to someone, wondering if he might be suffering some kind of psychosis, but something made him refrain. Maybe it was the fact that the dreams themselves didn't seem to be hurting anyone, or maybe it was because he'd come to love Perry like he was a real child--he didn't know. Either way, he found himself looking forward to the dreams, even the ones where he had to deal with the aftermath of one of Perry's beatings.
About a month after the first dream had happened, JD found himself standing in a bedroom that was no longer that of a sad young child. The toys were gone, and the room was startlingly bare; however, it was a good deal more crowded than usual. The reason for that became quite obvious, when JD noticed the crib standing alongside Perry's bed.
Currently there was a small child standing in it, two or three from the looks of her, hands gripping the railing. She giggled at him, waving her arms and cooing, and JD couldn't help feel a smile creeping onto his face.
"You must be Paige," he said, reaching out and stroking the girl's cheek.
She giggled again, a high-pitched sound, and JD started to smile back when he suddenly heard the sound of hurried footsteps, and a panicked voice, "Paige, be quiet, Daddy's sleeping...!"
The door swung open, and JD found himself looking at... Perry, it had to be Perry, but he was a good two or three years older than the Perry JD had seen the previous night. He stood nearly to JD's hip, and his curly hair was wilder than ever, but he was somehow scrawnier than he'd been at four, the baby fat melted away and leaving a lean, half-starved child in its place.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Perry turned and shut the door, approaching slowly, looking half afraid, half desperately hopeful. "JD?" he whispered. "Is it you?"
JD nodded, feeling his throat tightening, and dropped to his knees, putting himself level with the boy. "It's me, Perry," he murmured, swallowing. "Have I been gone a long time? I didn't mean to be..."
Perry stared at him for a second, then raced forward, throwing his arms around JD's neck and hugging him tightly. He was shaking a little, JD noted as he wrapped his arms around him in return. "You were gone forever!" Perry whimpered, tightening his hold. "I thought you didn't like me anymore."
JD hugged him as close as he could, rubbing the boy's back lightly, pushing back tears of his own. "Oh no, Perry. No, I like you so, so much. I just can't always pick when I see you. I'm so sorry I left you alone." He swallowed, feeling the boys ribs through the fabric of his t-shirt, and held him tighter. "I'm so, so sorry."
Perry sniffled, pulling back and scrubbing at his cheeks hastily. "But you're really real?" he asked, when he looked up again. His blue eyes were wide and confused, but hopeful. "You're real, right? You're not... you're not imaginary?"
"I'm real," JD promised him softly, but firmly. "I don't know how I get to come see you, but I promise I'm real." JD decided, looking at the boy's tear-stained face, that he didn't care if he was going crazy, he wasn't denying Perry this comfort.
Perry shuffled his feet, looking down. "Miss Kinnegan said you was imaginary," he said softly. "She's my kinnergarten teacher. We was supposed to talk about our favorite friend, and I talked about you, and she said it didn't count because you wasn't real."
"I think I'm a special kind of real," JD replied, sitting down. "Grownups can't see me, but you and Paige can. So I'm kind of a secret, just between us. Not that you can't tell grownups about me, but they might not understand..."
Perry frowned, sitting down cross-legged in front of him. "Like magic?" he said, tilting his head, picking at a thread of carpet and glancing up at JD.
"Yeah," JD replied, smiling a little. "Like magic. Magic's real, but not everyone believes in it. And sometimes it gets harder to find, when you get older. But you and me...we know it's there, right?"
Perry nodded, grinning. "Uh-huh," he agreed. Then he paused, eyes widening. "You're... you're not a ghost, are you...?"
JD giggled, and shook his head. "Nope. I'm a doctor."
"Really?" Perry said, awe in his voice. "Davey Patterson's daddy is a doctor, and they live all the way across the town in a huge house. I got to see it once 'cuz his mom made him invite the whole class over for his birthday. I made him a card, but I don't think he liked it very much." He frowned, slumping a little, looking confused. "I used all the best colors..." he trailed off, then shrugged. "But you're a for real doctor?"
JD had to resist the urge to hug Perry again. The boy didn't make it easy. He meant so well, and tried so hard, and simply couldn't understand when things didn't go right...He reminded JD a lot of himself, when he was little, in that way. "I'm a for real doctor. I listen to people's hearts, and look in their eyes and noses, and ask them lots of questions, and then? I figure out what's wrong with them and make them better. It's like a detective hunt, every day."
Perry's eyes were wide. "Wow," he breathed. He paused, looking down at his shoes, then glanced up at JD again. "Do... do you think I could be a doctor too?"
"If you want to, I'm sure you could," JD said firmly. "You're a very smart boy, Perry, I think you can do whatever you want to. It'd be a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun, too. And you get to really help people."
Perry considered this, wrapping his arms around his lanky knees. Then he looked up. "I can make it better when somebody hurts?" he ventured.
JD nodded. "You can. And when they're sick." He hesitated then, wanting to tell the boy that sometimes, he got to make sure someone didn't get hurt again, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.
Perry nodded slowly. "That's what doctors do," he said, as though summing it up for himself. Then he glanced up again. "I bet you're a really good doctor," he said.
JD felt himself blush, feeling inordinately pleased by the child's conviction. "I'm trying to be."
"You always make me feel better," Perry mumbled, looking shy. He kept his gaze fixed on the carpet, cheeks going faintly pink.
"Good," JD said softly. "I want to. I like getting to see you, Perry. Like being your secret friend."
Perry looked up again. "Will you have to go away again?" he asked softly.
"I hope not," JD replied, scooting closer. "I don't want to. But I can't control when I see you. It'd be lots more, if I could."
Perry nodded, snuggling up next to JD and hugging him. "I miss you when you go away," he said softly.
JD swallowed. "I miss you too," he said gently. "But whenever it's my choice I'll be with you, okay?"
Perry nodded. "'Kay," he murmured.
* * *
Next chapter
* * *
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
Author's Note: This story now has a cover illustration! Drawn by
randomslasher, colored by thuri. Imaginary Friend Cover
Perry was crying silently into his pillow, when JD opened his eyes, and found himself sitting on the boy's bed. He shifted, slightly, not wanting to scare him. "Hi, Perry," he whispered softly, distantly wondering why, since he knew he was dreaming, he couldn't seem to wake up.
Perry gasped a little, jerking his head around, then smiled broadly, despite the tears that were still leaking down his chubby cheeks. "I knew you'd come back," he said proudly, pushing himself into a sitting position.
JD blushed, ashamedly pushing his wish to wake up far, far away. He didn't know what was going on, but there was no way he'd want to leave now, and deny this boy the joy he seemed to have in JD's presence. Even if he was just a dream. "'Course I came back," he said gently. "Friends have to stick together, you know."
"For really real?" Perry asked him, sliding a little closer. "Like Toto and the Lone Ranger?"
JD smiled softly, imagining Dorothy's dog scampering after a horse. "Yes, just like them. I don't know how often I'll get to see you, Perry, but we're friends. Promise. And I'll be here as much as I can..." Seemed a strange thing to promise a dream, but he couldn't resist.
"Mama said you wasn't real," Perry said, smile slipping a little, and JD understood the reason for the boy's tears. "I told her about you, 'cuz I wanned to tell her I made a friend, but she said you was... was..." he frowned suddenly, face screwing up rather comically, then ventured, "'maginry?"
"Imaginary," JD offered, feeling a small twinge of irony: his imaginary little friend was worried because he might be imaginary? Talk about an existential paradox...
Perry nodded vigorously, eyes wide. "Yeah! Imaginrary. And Daddy said I didn't have no friends, 'cuz I'm a bad boy." He wilted suddenly, looking so crestfallen that JD had to resist the urge to pull him into his arms. Dream or no, he wasn't sure how well the little boy would react to any physical gestures from anyone older or larger than him--particularly if he had a history of abuse--so he refrained.
He didn't stop himself from speaking up, though. "You are not a bad boy, Perry," he said, gently but firmly. "You're not. I just met you and I can tell that much."
Perry looked up at him, face hopeful, if still laced with doubt. "How do you know?" he whispered. "How do you know I'm not really bad?" he looked around, then leaned forward. "I spilled some juice yesterday," he confessed, eyes wide. "Don't tell daddy! I cleaned it up. But only bad boys spill, right?"
"All boys spill," JD told him seriously, heart aching again. God, this boy just made him want to hold him close and protect him from the whole world. "Girls too. You can't help it, you're still growing up! Your arms and hands don't always do what you want them to yet. You'll spill less when you get older. But it doesn't make you bad that you do now. I spilled a lot."
"For really real?" Perry asked, eyes still wide.
JD nodded solemnly. "For really real. My mom said she should call me her own walking disaster. But then she'd laugh. It doesn't make you bad, Perry, I promise."
Perry stared at him for a moment longer, then smiled, shyly, looking up at JD from beneath his mop of curly reddish hair. "I like you," he said.
This kid was dangerous, JD decided, grinning slightly. "I like you, too."
Perry slid from his bed and tugged JD's hand. "Come on!" he said. "Let's play baseball for pretend, with Billy Bear. You can be the batter, only you'll have to use the Barbie 'cuz that's the only other thing they had at the toy bin when we went at Christmastime, but for pretend she can be a boy, okay?"
JD swallowed, but nodded, following Perry and obeying his orders as the boy set up their pretend game of baseball. The Barbie was really in bad shape, most of her hair gone and part of her left foot broken off, but that didn't seem to matter to Perry. JD made her swing her pretend bat, and run to the bases they'd established from a sock, a scrap of red construction paper, a half-empty crayon box, and a Hot Wheel with three wheels. Perry scampered about, pretending to be the rest of the team and the announcer, and JD found himself laughing frequently at the child's antics. What he lacked in resources he made up for in imagination, and JD was at once touched and saddened, that he had to. He found himself wishing there was some way he could bring Perry a gift--more toys, maybe, or a baseball glove or hat of his very own. He even tried willing said items into existence (hey, if it was a dream, he ought to be able to do that, right?) but with no success.
Soon enough, in the tradition of most young children, Perry wore himself out, and curled up next to JD, leaning against his side, thumb in his mouth, eyes drooping. JD supported him, wrapping an arm around the child's shoulders and letting his fingers drift into his hair, stroking through the wayward curls and biting his lip.
If this was a dream, it was the most realistic and poignant dream he'd ever had in his life. And it was recurring. Those two things combined surely meant it was important, somehow, but...what could it mean? He was starting to almost feel like an older brother to the child, or even a father, but...it wasn't as though he was just dying to be a father himself. Someday, sure, but not right now--lord knew he couldn't handle a kid right now, with the internship and his debts...
But if it wasn't that, then what was it? He frowned as Perry snuggled closer, beginning to snore lightly, and tried to remember his psych classes. Freudian dream analysis had always been a topic of which he'd been rather skeptical, interesting as it was, and it amused him, but he hadn't committed much of it to memory. Most of it seemed to be about sexual repression, or unresolved anger, or...
His frown grew, and he straightened a little, glancing down at Perry. Was that it? Unresolved anger for the injustice of his own lonely childhood? He'd certainly wished for a friend more than once when he was little, ridiculed by his brother and pressured to perform by his mother, but...well, he'd never been physically abused, not by his father at any rate, so where had that part come from?
And why, if this was a dream, was he thinking so clearly about it?
Perry shifted again, and one of his hands came up to fist in the hem of JD's t-shirt. JD stared down at the chubby little fingers, then reached down and covered the pale hand with his own, noting how completely he engulfed it. God, if this was a dream...well. He'd never fallen in love with a dream before, but he was fast on his way, he knew. Perry was about the sweetest, most clever child he'd ever met, and even though it wasn't real, JD still found himself wishing he could take the child out of there. Rescue him, even if it was from the recesses of his own consciousness.
The sound of a door closing from across the house made the boy jerk awake abruptly, and JD started a little, surprised at the reaction. Perry looked around wildly for a moment, then realized JD was still there, and smiled a gap-toothed smile at him. "You didna go away," he said, soft wonder in his voice.
JD smiled back, hugging him closer for a moment. "I'll stay as long as I can, Perry, promise. I like it here with you. Do you want to play more, or maybe I could tell you a story?"
Perry thought. "A story," he announced after a moment.
JD nodded, glancing around. "Where are your storybooks?" he asked without thinking.
Perry looked up at him, tilting his head. "Where's what?"
JD bit the inside of his cheek, wishing even more to take the boy away, get him into a family that'd appreciate how bright he was, and try to nuture it. "Well, that's okay, I know enough stories to tell you without needing the books in front of us. Once upon a time, in a far off land there lived a sad young lad..." And off he went into the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, in as much detail as he could remember, doing voices at the right parts, trying to tell the tale just as his Grandpa had told it first to him.
Perry sat wide-eyed the entire time, a wonderfully reactive audience, gasping at the frightening parts with the giant, giggling when Jack found the palace full of giant food and gold, and bouncing in his seat when Jack defeated the giant by chopping down the stalk. "And they never had to worry about anything ever again," JD finished dramatically, "because they had the giant's gold, and best of all? Jack was able to buy his cow again. And they all lived happily ever after!"
Perry giggled, squirming and rising to his feet. "Let's play that!" he crowed, scouring his room and finally pulling a wooden hanger out of his closet, brandishing it like a sword. "I'll be Jack! And you c'n be the giant 'cuz you're really big, and Billy Bear can be the cow!"
JD laughed, climbing to his feet, watching as Perry once again began to create worlds with nothing but his imagination. But his laugh vanished just as quickly when he suddenly realized the room around him was fading a little, and he was being pulled inexorably toward the faint, rhythmic beeping he could hear in the distance.
Alarm clock.
"Perry," JD said quickly, urgency in his voice causing the child to pause in his game set up and look back at him, confused. "Perry, I have to go now."
Perry's eyes went wide. "Why? Was I bad?" he asked softly.
"No, no not at all," JD said quickly, falling to his knees and reaching for the boy. "I've had so much fun with you, but I'm waking up at home, now, and I can't stay...But I'll be back. As soon as I can, I promise. With more stories."
Perry only stared at him sadly, a resigned look in his eyes that made him look much, much older than his four years. "'Kay," he said softly. "Bye bye, JD."
JD opened his mouth to reply, but the dream was fading fast, and when the words did come out of his mouth, he found he was slurring them to his empty bedroom, his alarm blinking six oh four. A few seconds later, there was a knock at the door, and Turk stuck his head in, looking annoyed. "Dude, would you wake up and turn that off? This is like my only day off in three weeks and I want to sleep in."
"What...Oh, sorry," JD replied, hitting the alarm. Shit, he was going to be late...He just hoped he hadn't been lying to Perry, telling him he'd be back. He wanted to see the boy again, badly, wanted to help him all he could. Maybe...maybe he could stop by the library, get some storybooks, at least read them and remember the stories, if he couldn't bring them along... "What?"
"I said, you're late, and I don't want to hear you bitching about Cox again tonight, so get going." Turk shut the door and disappeared again, muttering to himself.
JD shook himself and did as he was told, mind still back with Perry. There were some children's books in the playroom in pediatrics, if he recalled correctly. Maybe on his break he'd go take a look at a few of them...
* * *
There were.
During his lunch break, JD had gone down to the ward, and tracked down a small book case full of them. Grabbing a few at random off the top shelf, he tucked them under his arm and headed back to the on-call room, deciding he'd be less likely to be noticed reading Goodnight Moon, Pickle Things, and Green Eggs and Ham than if he tried reading them in the break room.
Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to check who was on call.
"You know, Angela, it's good to finally see you reading intelligence-appropriate literature."
JD jerked, sitting up so quickly he cracked his head on the bunk above him. He cursed, dropping the book--Goodnight Moon--and brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing the quickly-growing welt. "Shit, don't you ever knock?"
Cox folded his arms, leaning in the door frame and looking too amused to be put off by JD's snap. "Just tell me you don't get your jollies off on the Berenstain Bears."
JD looked up at him and glowered. "I'm...reading to kids in pediatrics," he muttered.
Cox looked around, surveying the room, then looked back at JD. "Funny," he said lightly. "We don't seem to be in pediatrics, and I've looked, but I just don't see any kids."
"I'm going to read to them later--you know what, forget it. I'm a little girl, I read children's books, blah blah blah etcetera." JD bent and retrieved the fallen book, feeling too tired to fight with his attending. "Do you want something?"
Cox brushed his nose with his thumb. "You know," he said, voice a little less amused, "it's not as fun when you do that."
JD stood, one hand still covering his forehead. "Yeah, well it's..." he trailed off, suddenly, when he realized he was dizzy; he threw out his other hand, catching himself on the bunk before he fell again, dropping the book to the ground and lowering his hand, frowning when his fingers came away bloody. "Shit..."
Cox sighed, sounding exasperated, but stepped forward. "Let me see."
JD scowled, jerking away, reaching for the book again but staggering, nearly falling. Cox grabbed his arm and dragged him back to his feet, then forcibly pulled JD's hand away from his brow. "Let me see," he growled.
JD sighed, closing his eyes as the older doctor examined his forehead, fingertips surprisingly gentle against his skin. "Go get a bandage," he said after a minute. "And put some ice on it. You shouldn't need stitches, but for crying out loud, Newbie, try not to knock that skull of yours into any more metal bed frames, would you, please? I need you able to work."
"Then don't startle me," JD muttered, feeling sullen about his injury, but a little less annoyed than he had. At least Cox was being halfway decent...
Cox snorted, bending to retrieve the book, which had fallen halfway under the bed. "All right. Next time I see you're so thoroughly engaged in..." he paused, glancing at the book to read the title, then suddenly frowned, trailing off.
JD waited, shifting from foot to foot, then lifted his eyebrow. "Uh...Dr. Cox?"
"Goodnight Moon?" Cox muttered, frowning as he ran his fingertips over the cover.
"Um...yeah?" What the hell was this all about? JD smirked, suddenly feeling a little mischievous. "It's from pediatrics, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you wanted to borrow it..."
That seemed to snap Cox from whatever weird trance had taken him over. "No," he growled, shoving the book back into JD's chest. "I was just surprised you'd chosen a book with a two-syllable word in the title. Ambitious." He drew away and brushed his hand over his hair, still looking a little distracted.
"I'm doing my best with it," JD replied, smirk fading--Cox actually looked genuinely perturbed about something. "Dr. Cox? Are you okay?"
"Fine," Cox snapped. He looked at JD, eyes flickering up to his forehead, then back to his face. "Go home, Newbie. Take care of that."
"I still have four more hours--"
"I'll cover for you. If you hit your head hard enough to get dizzy when you stood up you don't need to be looking after patients." Cox nodded toward the book. "Take that with you, if you want. Let me know how it ends."
JD lifted his eyebrows, feeling even more surprised. "All right, if...if you're sure. Thanks, Dr. Cox."
He waited for the glare, the whistle, the disparaging remark--but to his shock, Cox just nodded. "Whatever. Go home, kid." Then, spinning on his heels, he turned and walked back out of the room.
JD frowned, glancing down at the cover of the book in his arms. What on earth had that been all about?
Then, deciding he wasn't going to stick around long enough for Cox to change his mind, he grabbed the other books from the bedspread and, stopping only long enough to tell Carla where he was going, headed back out to his car. No way he was going to complain about half a day off, after all...
* * *
Perry loved the books.
JD memorized them easily--med school had given him enough practice with that--and the next time he visited, that very night, he'd recited them to him, in dramatic voice, acting out what he could. Perry giggled, gasped, clapped and cheered, and JD beamed, feeling a swell of pride that he'd made the child so happy. He'd decided the best way to handle the dreams would be to try to do what needed to be done in them. If his subconscious gave him an unhappy child, well...JD would do his damndest to cheer him up. He wished, more than ever, that he could actually physically help the boy--take him out of the situation, or at least bring him toys or food or books.
But as time passed, he grew to accept he couldn't. He settled for being Perry's playmate, confidante, and more frequently than he cared for, his comforter, when Perry'd had a run in with his father. He found himself having dreams about the child several times a night, sometimes more, and he even occasionally seemed to drift into them during the day, though the amount of time spent with Perry never seemed to match the time he was lost in his daydreams. In fact, no one else even seemed to notice he was having them, even when he'd been gone for what felt like hours. He'd drift off, and snap back to reality to find himself still standing in line at the cafeteria, or watching the same commercial that had been on before his fantasy. He thought about mentioning them to someone, wondering if he might be suffering some kind of psychosis, but something made him refrain. Maybe it was the fact that the dreams themselves didn't seem to be hurting anyone, or maybe it was because he'd come to love Perry like he was a real child--he didn't know. Either way, he found himself looking forward to the dreams, even the ones where he had to deal with the aftermath of one of Perry's beatings.
About a month after the first dream had happened, JD found himself standing in a bedroom that was no longer that of a sad young child. The toys were gone, and the room was startlingly bare; however, it was a good deal more crowded than usual. The reason for that became quite obvious, when JD noticed the crib standing alongside Perry's bed.
Currently there was a small child standing in it, two or three from the looks of her, hands gripping the railing. She giggled at him, waving her arms and cooing, and JD couldn't help feel a smile creeping onto his face.
"You must be Paige," he said, reaching out and stroking the girl's cheek.
She giggled again, a high-pitched sound, and JD started to smile back when he suddenly heard the sound of hurried footsteps, and a panicked voice, "Paige, be quiet, Daddy's sleeping...!"
The door swung open, and JD found himself looking at... Perry, it had to be Perry, but he was a good two or three years older than the Perry JD had seen the previous night. He stood nearly to JD's hip, and his curly hair was wilder than ever, but he was somehow scrawnier than he'd been at four, the baby fat melted away and leaving a lean, half-starved child in its place.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Perry turned and shut the door, approaching slowly, looking half afraid, half desperately hopeful. "JD?" he whispered. "Is it you?"
JD nodded, feeling his throat tightening, and dropped to his knees, putting himself level with the boy. "It's me, Perry," he murmured, swallowing. "Have I been gone a long time? I didn't mean to be..."
Perry stared at him for a second, then raced forward, throwing his arms around JD's neck and hugging him tightly. He was shaking a little, JD noted as he wrapped his arms around him in return. "You were gone forever!" Perry whimpered, tightening his hold. "I thought you didn't like me anymore."
JD hugged him as close as he could, rubbing the boy's back lightly, pushing back tears of his own. "Oh no, Perry. No, I like you so, so much. I just can't always pick when I see you. I'm so sorry I left you alone." He swallowed, feeling the boys ribs through the fabric of his t-shirt, and held him tighter. "I'm so, so sorry."
Perry sniffled, pulling back and scrubbing at his cheeks hastily. "But you're really real?" he asked, when he looked up again. His blue eyes were wide and confused, but hopeful. "You're real, right? You're not... you're not imaginary?"
"I'm real," JD promised him softly, but firmly. "I don't know how I get to come see you, but I promise I'm real." JD decided, looking at the boy's tear-stained face, that he didn't care if he was going crazy, he wasn't denying Perry this comfort.
Perry shuffled his feet, looking down. "Miss Kinnegan said you was imaginary," he said softly. "She's my kinnergarten teacher. We was supposed to talk about our favorite friend, and I talked about you, and she said it didn't count because you wasn't real."
"I think I'm a special kind of real," JD replied, sitting down. "Grownups can't see me, but you and Paige can. So I'm kind of a secret, just between us. Not that you can't tell grownups about me, but they might not understand..."
Perry frowned, sitting down cross-legged in front of him. "Like magic?" he said, tilting his head, picking at a thread of carpet and glancing up at JD.
"Yeah," JD replied, smiling a little. "Like magic. Magic's real, but not everyone believes in it. And sometimes it gets harder to find, when you get older. But you and me...we know it's there, right?"
Perry nodded, grinning. "Uh-huh," he agreed. Then he paused, eyes widening. "You're... you're not a ghost, are you...?"
JD giggled, and shook his head. "Nope. I'm a doctor."
"Really?" Perry said, awe in his voice. "Davey Patterson's daddy is a doctor, and they live all the way across the town in a huge house. I got to see it once 'cuz his mom made him invite the whole class over for his birthday. I made him a card, but I don't think he liked it very much." He frowned, slumping a little, looking confused. "I used all the best colors..." he trailed off, then shrugged. "But you're a for real doctor?"
JD had to resist the urge to hug Perry again. The boy didn't make it easy. He meant so well, and tried so hard, and simply couldn't understand when things didn't go right...He reminded JD a lot of himself, when he was little, in that way. "I'm a for real doctor. I listen to people's hearts, and look in their eyes and noses, and ask them lots of questions, and then? I figure out what's wrong with them and make them better. It's like a detective hunt, every day."
Perry's eyes were wide. "Wow," he breathed. He paused, looking down at his shoes, then glanced up at JD again. "Do... do you think I could be a doctor too?"
"If you want to, I'm sure you could," JD said firmly. "You're a very smart boy, Perry, I think you can do whatever you want to. It'd be a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun, too. And you get to really help people."
Perry considered this, wrapping his arms around his lanky knees. Then he looked up. "I can make it better when somebody hurts?" he ventured.
JD nodded. "You can. And when they're sick." He hesitated then, wanting to tell the boy that sometimes, he got to make sure someone didn't get hurt again, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.
Perry nodded slowly. "That's what doctors do," he said, as though summing it up for himself. Then he glanced up again. "I bet you're a really good doctor," he said.
JD felt himself blush, feeling inordinately pleased by the child's conviction. "I'm trying to be."
"You always make me feel better," Perry mumbled, looking shy. He kept his gaze fixed on the carpet, cheeks going faintly pink.
"Good," JD said softly. "I want to. I like getting to see you, Perry. Like being your secret friend."
Perry looked up again. "Will you have to go away again?" he asked softly.
"I hope not," JD replied, scooting closer. "I don't want to. But I can't control when I see you. It'd be lots more, if I could."
Perry nodded, snuggling up next to JD and hugging him. "I miss you when you go away," he said softly.
JD swallowed. "I miss you too," he said gently. "But whenever it's my choice I'll be with you, okay?"
Perry nodded. "'Kay," he murmured.
* * *
Next chapter
* * *
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 22 May 2007 21:41 (UTC)Wonderful fic! I love it! And the picture is absolutely perfect. ^.^
Can't wait for more!
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Date: 22 May 2007 21:57 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 May 2007 22:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 May 2007 22:57 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 May 2007 23:17 (UTC)you made me cry!!!!
like, proper sobbing cry!!!
I NEED more of this!!!!
And whats up with Dr Cox and Goodnight Moon?
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Date: 22 May 2007 23:32 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 May 2007 23:40 (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 May 2007 23:49 (UTC)but you guys make me feel all sad for just reading fanfiction
;3; i love this fic so much and i literally "squee" when i see an update
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Date: 22 May 2007 23:53 (UTC)no subject
Date: 23 May 2007 04:19 (UTC)no subject
Date: 23 May 2007 05:47 (UTC)It's just so warm.
no subject
Date: 23 May 2007 10:39 (UTC)KEYBOARD SMASH OF LOVE. *collapses from the strain*
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Date: 23 May 2007 10:48 (UTC)I loved the scene where JD read the books and then Perry surprised him and JD bumped his head. I love those scenes where JD gets dizzy from a hit or lack of food and etc and Perry helps him.(: Also the whole Perry getting weird with the book and all was awesome.(:
I can't wait for the next chapter so please post it very very soon.
no subject
Date: 23 May 2007 16:36 (UTC)Can't wait for the next update!
Lucy xxx
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Date: 24 May 2007 00:06 (UTC)--Alissa
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Date: 24 May 2007 02:35 (UTC)no subject
Date: 24 May 2007 09:48 (UTC)also, I bought the first two seasons of scrubs today, thanks to you two. I started reading your stuff and then went .__.omg musthave. <3 so yay. thankyou for introducing me to a new fandom.
Thank you!
Date: 25 May 2007 04:20 (UTC)I think I'm about to cry.
The heartaching tenderness that you infuse your stories with just blows me away. And Per starting to realize... I look forward to the next instalment very much, and will probably throw a party when JD catches up to Per. Not that anybody will get it, but so what? I'm used to it.
I have missed you guys' stories so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the wakeup call! I haven't been checking the contents page while I'm in Oz, which was obviously a mistake.
THAAAAANK YOOOOOOU! ::hug attack::
no subject
Date: 28 May 2007 16:27 (UTC)no subject
Date: 25 Jun 2007 03:01 (UTC)This is just too good and imaginative a story. Next chapter!