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randomweavingTitle: Imaginary Friend
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
The crib was gone. In its place stood another bed, one which left only about a foot of walking space between them.
JD looked around hesitantly, feeling his heart sink, wondering just how much time had gone by this time. The last he'd seen of six-year-old Perry had been that day on the playground, when he'd been given the drawing. For him, that was yesterday. For Perry, it had obviously been quite a while longer.
He swallowed, feeling a little nervous. Learning exactly who Perry was in his own world had certainly been a shock, and he'd been afraid--no, terrified, even--to see the child again, afraid his feelings about Dr. Cox would interfere with the way he'd treat the boy. It wasn't fair, he knew; after all, Cox might be an ass, but Perry was just a kid, and it wasn't fair to behave differently around him based on the man he would one day become. Especially now that JD knew the reasons. But he was still nervous, hoping Perry wouldn't...wouldn't realize what JD had figured out: that they knew each other, in JD's time, or worse, that JD hadn't particularly liked him.
God, that'd be all the kid needed: finding out his own imaginary friend didn't like him.
JD shook his head sharply, frowning at himself. Of course he liked Perry. In fact, he liked Dr. Cox. He was just...not the easiest person to get along with, that was all. But that didn't mean JD didn't like him. It was just a complicated sort of liking, that was all.
And he was an amazing doctor...
But fuck, it was so hard to imagine the Perry he knew becoming Dr. Cox; hard to imagine the bright-eyed, irrepressible child who just wanted to play catch and have a friend becoming the callous, prickly physician who sneered at every attempt JD made to get closer to him and couldn't even bring himself to call JD by his real name.
The sound of a door slamming from across the house made him jump, interrupting his thoughts, and he spun just in time to see Perry limping into the room, arm held tight against his body.
He looked awful. He had to be at least nine or ten; he'd grown about six inches since JD'd last seen him, though his hair was much shorter. He was bruised, not just his eye this time but his cheek, his neck, and along his arms--strange, oblong red bruises that were maybe half an inch across and an inch long.
Finger impressions.
JD fought the urge to curl his hands into fists, the hatred for Perry's father welling up so suddenly and sharply it frightened him a little. Any misgivings he'd had about how he'd react to seeing Perry vanished instantly; all he really wanted to do was draw the child into his arms and protect him, make everything bad in his life go away once and for all.
Perry's eyes widened when he saw JD, and for a long moment he stood frozen, but unlike the last time he'd seen him after a gap, the boy didn't race forward or give JD a hug. Instead, once he'd recovered from the apparent shock of seeing JD, Perry just glowered. "What do you want?" he asked bitterly.
JD sat down on Perry's bed, his heart aching. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all, if this boy turned into the Dr. Cox he knew...and there was certainly a familiar tightness around his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said softly, knowing a great deal of the dynamic had shifted. Perry simply wasn't the same child any longer. He'd seen too much, now, and JD knew it, just from the look in his eyes.
"Sorry for what?" Perry snapped. "For abandoning me, or for lying to me?"
JD frowned. "I never lied to you. But yeah, for not being here."
Perry curled his lip into a sneer. "You never lied to me? So all that stuff about caring about me, about me being a good kid, that I could do anything I wanted--you're trying to tell me that wasn't a load of crap?"
"I also told you it wouldn't be easy," JD said reminded him gently, trying to ignore the pain Perry's words were causing. At least the sneer was familiar... "And no, it's not crap. I do care about you. And of course you're a good kid," he added evenly. "So no, I never lied to you. But I am sorry I haven't been here," he added. "I told you I can't...I can't control it..." but even as the words left his mouth, JD wondered how true they were. After all, it was after he'd learned who Perry was that he'd suddenly stopped having visions for nearly a day. Maybe...maybe he was influencing it somehow, subconsciously. The thought sent an extra pang of guilt through his heart.
"I needed you!" Perry cried angrily, stamping his foot. "I needed you, and you left! We...we were going to...to play catch..." his voice cracked, and he lowered his head, face screwing up pitifully as he fought the tears that were making his shoulders shake and his face flush red.
JD squeezed his eyes shut. "I know," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Perry, and I...I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me, either. Especially since I can't promise it won't happen again...All I can say is I would've been here if I'd had a choice." He felt a tear slip free, and brushed it away irritably.
Perry moaned, and finally stopped fighting his tears. He dropped slowly to his knees, gasping a little. "I just want it to stop," he whimpered, voice tight with pain. "I want him to stop!"
JD slipped off the bed, but didn't move any closer, even if his every instinct was crying out to check the boy over, see how badly off he was. "If there was any way I could make him..." he whispered, then bit his lip, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Perry. I'm so sorry I can't take you away from this, fix it for you. I want to. I want to so much, but I can't, and I'm sorry..." JD didn't think he'd ever felt quite so helpless. At least, when he lost a patient, he'd done everything he could. But here...what could he really do? He couldn't even promise to be there when Perry needed him. He sighed heavily. "You'll be bigger than he is, soon. He might stop then..."
Perry laughed, a bitter, humorless sound. "But you said it was wrong to hit," he said, voice bitter. "Remember? Or were you so busy being a doctor you even forgot what you told me?"
"It is wrong, but if someone thinks you can kick their ass, they usually won't press the issue," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And just because it's wrong doesn't mean it's not tempting sometimes, especially when someone's hurting someone you love." He cracked his knuckles absently, mind running in familiar circles. It was getting worse, but...what could he do? Tell Perry to go to a school counselor? Probably useless. The police? The hospital? No guarantee it'd work, and things would be worse when he ended up back home again.
Perry frowned, then, looking up, and there was a strange glimmer in his eyes, beneath the pain and bitterness and fear--something akin to hope. "S-someone you... love?" he whispered.
JD nodded, looking over at him. "Didn't you know that? I should've said..." he shook his head, and scooted just a little bit closer, looking Perry very seriously in his eyes. "I love you, kid," he said softly, not even the least bit surprised to realize he meant it, with all his heart. "I'd take you away from this in a second, if I could, I swear."
"You love me?" Perry whispered, looking lost. "B-but...I...no one..." he trailed off, shaking his head slowly.
"I do," JD said firmly, the conviction growing more solid in his heart. "I know I'm not the same as someone who's here all the time, but I do. I love you."
Perry stared at him for a long moment. Then, hesitant, he slid closer. JD watched, but didn't make a move; when Perry was close enough, he released a shuddery sigh and leaned heavily against JD's side, head resting on JD's shoulder.
"I love you, too," he mumbled. "I wish you didn't have to go, but I'm not mad at you. M'sorry I said I was."
JD carefully slid his arm around Perry, every aware there were probably more bruises beneath the dirty t-shirt that he wasn't aware of. "I wish I didn't have to go, either," he said gently. "And you can be mad at me, if you want. What you feel is always okay. It's what you do about how you feel that can be bad. And I'm mad at me, too," he confessed. "I want to be here for you, and I'm sad and sometimes a little mad when I can't be."
"Take me with you," Perry said suddenly, pulling back and looking up into JD's face, his eyes wide and more than a little desperate. "Please? I...I don't want to stay here. I'll be real quiet, really really quiet--you won't even know I'm there, I promise. Please..." his voice hitched, and his eyes filled with tears, but he did not lower his gaze. "Please don't leave me here."
"God, Perry, if I knew how, I would've done it when we first met..." JD's own eyes were full of tears, and he hugged the boy closer. "I can't. I don't know how...I swear, Perry, I would. If I knew, I would. I hate that I can't take you away from all this."
Perry looked up at him, face confused. "But you're a grownup," he said, sounding a little lost. "I thought grownups always knew what to do."
JD smiled sadly, and shook his head. "We don't," he murmured, sighing heavily. "Sometimes being a grownup isn't any easier than being a kid. They just tell you it will be."
Perry slumped against him, face falling. "Yeah, okay," he murmured, voice dull. "I didn't think you could, anyway..." He sighed, wrapping his arms around JD's waist. "Don't go away for a few more minutes?" he asked. "If you can stay?"
"I'll stay as long as I can," JD replied, hoping six am and his alarm was a long way away. "Do you still want to be a doctor?" he asked softly, after a few moments.
Perry swallowed, lowering his head. "I don't think I can," he said sadly.
JD frowned, pulling back and glancing down at him. "Why not?"
"I'm not getting good grades at school," Perry admitted softly, cringing as though JD would punish him for this.
JD smiled slightly. "Perry, they don't check your scores from fourth grade when you apply to medical school," he said, fighting the urge to chuckle. "You've got plenty of time to pull things up, if you want to. When you get older, you can stay after school at the library and study there, do your homework there, too. And I don't know how often I can be here, but I'll help as much as I can. Is there anything in particular you're having trouble with right now?"
Perry pulled back again, expression suddenly hopeful. "Spelling," he said softly. "And r-reading. I don't... Dad gets mad when I read at home, so I don't usually get my assignments done."
JD frowned. "He gets mad?" he repeated.
Perry sighed. "He says reading is for..." he hesitated, glancing around, then whispered, "faggots."
JD lifted his eyebrow. "That's not a nice word," he said softly, and Perry nodded, looking down.
"I know," the boy said. "That's what he said though, not me. He doesn't like people who read a bunch."
"I'll bet he's not very good at it, huh?" JD asked, shaking his head. "Well. You've probably got a little time in the afternoons before he gets home from work, right? And can you go to bed early? Because you can read under your blankets, if you've got a little flashlight. You can read on the playground, at lunch and at recess, if you want to, too. There are lots of ways to sneak it in. I used to, all the time. It won't be easy," he cautioned. "But it's worth it. If you get good grades, you can get out of here. You can get a scholarship, to college, and move away as soon as you're out of high school. I know it still seems like forever, now, but it's something to work for."
"You'll really help me?" Perry asked, looking up at him again.
"As much as I can," JD promised. "I think you'll be an amazing doctor, Perry." He bit back a smile at the irony of those words--he, after all, knew just how amazing a doctor Perry would be. But he didn't let that show; instead, he lifted his eyebrows, reaching out with the knuckle of his index finger and chucking Perry's chin affectionately.
Perry smiled slowly, reaching up and wiping at his cheeks. "Th-thank you," he whispered, voice high and childish; he hunched a little closer, lowering his head shyly, looking embarrassed but pleased.
JD smiled back, if sadly, and he reached up to stroke the child's wayward curls. "You're welcome," he murmured.
* * *
It came as a relief to JD when, over the next few days, he found himself visiting Perry with relative consistency. Though his visits, to him, were only a few hours or sometimes even a few minutes apart, for Perry, he was there about once a week; he tutored the child when he could, helping him work through his reading materials and even teaching him some new techniques for his mathematics courses. Biology was trickier, because Perry's text was wrong about several things; JD didn't wish to teach him incorrectly, of course, but he knew he would have to, if Perry was to make the grades he'd need. So he gritted his teeth and plowed through it, and it came of no surprise to him that Perry, who finally had someone to encourage and support him, began to excel in his classes. Teachers who'd previously written him off began to take note of him too, and Perry began to have mentors in school when JD wasn't able to be there--a fact for which JD was exceedingly grateful.
As time passed, Perry also began to grow much more quickly, and while poor nutrition at home kept him relatively thin, he at least got to the point where he was often able to outrun his father.
That lasted for only as long as it took the bastard to learn Paige was an easier target. After that, Perry began to deliberately divert him, to protect her, which at once made JD swell with a painful sort of pride and seethe with outrage at the sheer injustice of the situation he had to witness but could not change. Instead, he devoted himself to soothing Perry afterward, holding him, wiping away his tears, telling him how to treat his bruises and cuts, watching for symptoms of more serious injuries. He was soothed by the knowledge that Perry would survive the years of abuse--after all, the Dr. Cox he knew was, at least, physically none the worse for wear--but it was difficult nevertheless, watching the eager, hopeful child slowly begin to become the jaded, saddened teenager who would ultimately become the bitter, verbally (though not physically) abusive man.
His comfort, however, soon began to create problems in and of itself. While he was able to touch and soothe the young boy, and even hold him in his arms and rock him, the rest of the people in Perry's world apparently saw nothing more than Perry standing stock-still, a blank and somewhat dreamy expression on his face. When they spoke, Perry was always careful to be quiet, but he was still occasionally overheard, and soon he began to be teased for daydreaming, and for still, at his age, having an imaginary friend. As he got older, turning eleven, then twelve, the mildly annoyed looks on his teachers' faces evolved into concern; Perry was pulled aside more than once and told he had to grow up, and stop pretending he could talk to someone who wasn't really there.
JD'd drawn Perry aside one day, shortly after the boy turned thirteen, and suggested they not speak anymore when they were anywhere but at his home, but since Perry had begun avoiding home at all costs, he wasn't willing to make that sacrifice.
"I'll just be quieter," he insisted. "We can hide in the corner of the library. Please..." he trailed off, scowling at the ground, looking embarrassed but determined. "Please," he said more softly. "You're... you're my best friend. I don't want to stop talking to you."
JD had been unable to deny him, though they had made every effort to keep their talks more discreet; when JD appeared during one of Perry's classes or in an equally public place, he would stand by and offer quiet words of encouragement, or grip his shoulder, but would try to be as unobtrusive as possible.
It wasn't enough, apparently.
Three months after Perry turned thirteen, JD found himself standing next to him in a small office. Perry was sitting in a hard plastic chair, arms crossed over his chest in a gesture that was achingly familiar, if strange to see on the young man. JD glanced around quickly, but apart from a bookshelf and a cluttered desk, the office appeared to be empty.
"What's going on?" he whispered, moving to kneel next to Perry.
"They sent me to the counselor," the boy sighed, glancing at him then back at his feet.
JD felt the blood drain from his face, eyes going wide. "Why?" he murmured, though he feared the answer to that was all too obvious.
Perry's lips twisted wryly. "They think I'm too old to have an imaginary friend," he said. "Basically they think I'm loony."
JD bit back a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose. They should've been more careful... "I'm sorry, kid," he said softly. "I'm really sorry it went this far..."
Perry shrugged. "I'm not," he said. "Not really. It's definitely not the worst thing I've been called."
"Still..." JD bit his lip. He knew he did Perry a lot of good, but the harm he could cause...It worried him more and more. "We'll have to be more careful."
"We're already being careful," Perry argued, then sighed. "Look, I'd rather have a friend and have a few more people think I'm weird than go back to being alone, okay?"
"I know, Perry," JD said softly, sitting back on his heels. "But...things could get even harder for you, if they think you're actually hallucinating. You could be put on drugs you don't need." Then again, he could be sent to a therapist who could get him into a better home life, too... But JD knew that wasn't as likely as it simply making more trouble. "I don't want to leave you alone. It'd kill me to not get to see you. But I don't want to mess things up for you, either."
"You're not," Perry said softly. "You're helping me. I've been doing better in school since you came, and--"
"Perry?" the door suddenly opened, and a stout, gray-haired woman entered, frowning behind a pair of glasses with a gold chain attached to the earpieces. She wore a large, gray turtleneck sweater with a white cat on the front, and a long black skirt. She glanced around the office, then lifted her eyebrows at Perry. "Who were you talking to?"
Perry flushed, looking down. "No one, ma'am," he mumbled.
JD closed his eyes, bringing his hand up to cover them. So much for being careful...
The woman frowned at him. "Now, Perry," she said, voice high-pitched and somewhat patronizing as she moved further into the office, shut the door and circled her desk, "it's best if you're honest with me. I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth, can I?"
Perry shook his head sullenly. "No," he agreed.
"Good." She settled herself down behind her desk, sinking into her chair, which creaked vaguely in protest. She flipped through his file, clucking to herself, then said, "Ah, yes. Yes, I see." She flipped the chart closed, and folded her hands across her desk, looking at Perry over the tops of her glasses. "So," she said. "Have ourselves an imaginary friend, do we?"
Perry glanced at JD, eyes begging him for instructions.
JD frowned, watching the woman's eyes flick in his direction, following Perry's eye line. The lines around her eyes deepened. "Perry?" she prompted.
Sighing, JD reached up and squeezed Perry's hand lightly. "Probably best not to look at me, kiddo. And...you can tell her you like to pretend things are different, tell her about me that way, if you want. We know I'm real, Perry, but I don't think she'll believe it."
Perry swallowed, and followed JD's instructions, describing him to the counselor as his ideal buddy--a father figure, in a lot of ways; the older brother he always wanted; a mentor. The woman--Mrs. Johanson, JD read on the plaque on her desk--nodded, taking notes as she went.
But soon, after Perry fell silent, she said, "Perry, I need you to answer me perfectly honestly. Do you think that JD is real?"
Perry's eyes widened; he glanced at JD, unable to stop himself, then looked quickly back up at her. "N-no...?" he whispered, unconvincingly enough that JD couldn't help but wince.
"Mmhmm," Johanson hummed, making a note. "And is he here right now? Is that who you keep looking at?"
"I, um... y-yes..."
"Right. Perry, does JD ever tell you to do things?"
JD cringed, already knowing where this was going, but before he could stop him, Perry answered, "Yeah, all the time."
Johanson's eyebrows shot up, nearly to her hairline. "And what sorts of things does he tell you?" she said, voice careful.
Perry seemed to realize he'd made a mistake; he glanced at JD once more.
"Tell her the truth," JD said softly. "To do your homework, work hard, to be good...There's nothing wrong with any of that." Inwardly, he thought he should've known all this was going to happen, should've known he needed to be more careful. Dammit, he was supposed to be the adult here...
"He... he helps me study," Perry said, voice hesitant at first but growing stronger as he went. "He's a d-doctor, and he said I could be too, and he helps me with my reading and math... when I was younger he told me it was bad to hit, even when I was mad, and he... he told me he loves me."
Johanson's eyes had softened as Perry spoke, and now they were gentle with sympathy. "I see," she said quietly. "Perry, I want you to do one more thing for me."
Perry bit his lip, looking up at her. "Y-yeah...?"
She pulled a piece of paper out of her desk and scrawled something on it. "I've written a short sentence here," she said. "If JD is here, have him come over here and read it to you, so you can tell me what it says. Do you think he can do that?"
Perry's eyes widened, his face splitting into a broad grin. "Yeah," he said, looking up at JD. "You can, right? Then they'll believe me!"
JD bit the inside of his lip, heart aching at the hope in Perry's eyes. "I don't think I should, Perry. Because they might ask you to do it again, when I'm not here. Or they might think you're a clairvoyant, and want to study that..." He sighed, looking into Perry's eyes. "Do you understand? It could make things so much harder for you and I never, ever want to do that."
Perry's face fell slowly, eyebrows drawing together in a look of utter confusion. "But... but they'd believe me," he said. "Then I could... we could talk all the time, and they wouldn't make fun of me..."
"I don't think they'd believe you, Perry," JD said softly. "They think you're sick...that something's unbalanced in your brain. That's why she asked you if I told you to do things. Some people hear voices, telling them to be bad. I could make it a lot worse...I don't want you to get medications you don't need, because of me."
JD couldn't see how he could make Perry understand, and the cold panic he was feeling only increased as the room started to go hazy. He cursed under his breath, making Perry's eyebrows raise up. "Perry, I'm going away, anyway. But I promise, I only want to make things easy for you. We'll talk soon..." And he wasn't sure what made him do it, but just as he felt the whole thing start to fade, he hugged Perry close. "Love you, kiddo."
And then he was in his room, the alarm clock beeping at him unmercifully. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
* * *
Working with Dr. Cox was getting more and more awkward. JD couldn't quite connect the sweet, lonely child of his visions--flashbacks--whatever the hell they were--to the callous, bitter man he dealt with on a daily basis. It made him quieter around him, less prone to the random babbling and non-sequitor daydream comments he used to make. Cox, for his part, gave him the occasional odd glance and asked him what his problem was, but other than that didn't make much comment on JD's sudden shift in behavior.
It wasn't until JD gave the attending his report on a nine-year-old with signs of possible abuse that his suspicions began to solidify.
He stood outside the room with the doctor, looking in at the child, who was half-reclined in her bed, staring blankly at a spot on the wall.
Beside him, Cox frowned. "Catatonic?"
JD shook his head. "No, she's responsive, she just...does this, sometimes. And she doesn't seem to hear you, if you talk to her."
"Have you run any CT scans?"
JD shook his head. "No. All her evaluations came back normal, I didn't think there was any need..."
Cox looked over at him, lifting his eyebrows and jerking his thumb in at the child. "No need?" he asked, incredulous. "Look at her, JD. She looks like she's about to start drooling."
"So, maybe she's just daydreaming," JD said, feeling frustrated suddenly. "Look, I've spoken to her, and she seems fine, okay? But the trauma is indicative of abuse, so I thought I'd see if you wanted to report her to social services."
Cox shook his head. "Not until we rule out some sort of mental episode," he said. "Look, if she's unresponsive when she's like this, how do we know her bruises aren't the result of some self-induced stupor and concurrent self-injury?"
JD looked over at him, eyebrows lifted incredulously. "You think she did that to herself?" he said slowly.
"I'm not saying that," Cox snapped. "I'm just saying we have to look at all the possibilities before we go accusing her parents of beating her, okay?"
"Why is this so hard for you to believe?" JD shot back, scowling. "I would think you of all people would understand."
Cox turned to him, frowning, and JD saw something stirring in his eyes. "What?" he said softly.
JD thought fast. "Well...I mean, you fit the profile," he said, falteringly. "For...for a history of abuse..."
Cox's face turned bright red, and he grabbed JD's arm, dragging him into a stair well and slamming the door before turning toward him, livid. "That's a hell of a thing to go assuming about someone, Newbie," he hissed.
JD jerked his arm out of Cox's grasp, rubbing his bicep. "I'm not assuming, I've talked to Carla about you," he replied, frowning. "She told me not to waste my time, but she told me a few things she knew, too. Anyway. I think we should report it to social services, the kid's pretty bad off, and she's got younger siblings." He wasn't sure Dr. Cox would let it go, but the reaction...fuck. Maybe it really was him.
"Fine," Cox snapped, looking a little shaken. "Fine, she's your patient, do what you want. But Newbie, do me a favor, and keep me out of your little gossip circles from now on, all right? My past is none of your damned business."
JD nodded once, curtly, desperately suppressing the urge to giggle. It's more my business than you think it is, Perry.
"Fine." Cox stood for a moment, then shook his head once, sharply, as though to clear it. "Fine. Go take care of it. I've got to go give a status report to the board..." He blinked, scowling at JD suspiciously, then tilted his head. "Hop to it, Melody."
"No problem." JD just resisted the urge to call the older doctor "Perry." He honestly wasn't sure what reaction it'd get him, and he definitely didn't want to push it.
Dr. Cox nodded swiftly then turned on his heels and walked away, just short of actually running. JD watched him go, blinking, then turned to page whichever social worker was on.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: R for language and some violence
Description: About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.
The crib was gone. In its place stood another bed, one which left only about a foot of walking space between them.
JD looked around hesitantly, feeling his heart sink, wondering just how much time had gone by this time. The last he'd seen of six-year-old Perry had been that day on the playground, when he'd been given the drawing. For him, that was yesterday. For Perry, it had obviously been quite a while longer.
He swallowed, feeling a little nervous. Learning exactly who Perry was in his own world had certainly been a shock, and he'd been afraid--no, terrified, even--to see the child again, afraid his feelings about Dr. Cox would interfere with the way he'd treat the boy. It wasn't fair, he knew; after all, Cox might be an ass, but Perry was just a kid, and it wasn't fair to behave differently around him based on the man he would one day become. Especially now that JD knew the reasons. But he was still nervous, hoping Perry wouldn't...wouldn't realize what JD had figured out: that they knew each other, in JD's time, or worse, that JD hadn't particularly liked him.
God, that'd be all the kid needed: finding out his own imaginary friend didn't like him.
JD shook his head sharply, frowning at himself. Of course he liked Perry. In fact, he liked Dr. Cox. He was just...not the easiest person to get along with, that was all. But that didn't mean JD didn't like him. It was just a complicated sort of liking, that was all.
And he was an amazing doctor...
But fuck, it was so hard to imagine the Perry he knew becoming Dr. Cox; hard to imagine the bright-eyed, irrepressible child who just wanted to play catch and have a friend becoming the callous, prickly physician who sneered at every attempt JD made to get closer to him and couldn't even bring himself to call JD by his real name.
The sound of a door slamming from across the house made him jump, interrupting his thoughts, and he spun just in time to see Perry limping into the room, arm held tight against his body.
He looked awful. He had to be at least nine or ten; he'd grown about six inches since JD'd last seen him, though his hair was much shorter. He was bruised, not just his eye this time but his cheek, his neck, and along his arms--strange, oblong red bruises that were maybe half an inch across and an inch long.
Finger impressions.
JD fought the urge to curl his hands into fists, the hatred for Perry's father welling up so suddenly and sharply it frightened him a little. Any misgivings he'd had about how he'd react to seeing Perry vanished instantly; all he really wanted to do was draw the child into his arms and protect him, make everything bad in his life go away once and for all.
Perry's eyes widened when he saw JD, and for a long moment he stood frozen, but unlike the last time he'd seen him after a gap, the boy didn't race forward or give JD a hug. Instead, once he'd recovered from the apparent shock of seeing JD, Perry just glowered. "What do you want?" he asked bitterly.
JD sat down on Perry's bed, his heart aching. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all, if this boy turned into the Dr. Cox he knew...and there was certainly a familiar tightness around his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said softly, knowing a great deal of the dynamic had shifted. Perry simply wasn't the same child any longer. He'd seen too much, now, and JD knew it, just from the look in his eyes.
"Sorry for what?" Perry snapped. "For abandoning me, or for lying to me?"
JD frowned. "I never lied to you. But yeah, for not being here."
Perry curled his lip into a sneer. "You never lied to me? So all that stuff about caring about me, about me being a good kid, that I could do anything I wanted--you're trying to tell me that wasn't a load of crap?"
"I also told you it wouldn't be easy," JD said reminded him gently, trying to ignore the pain Perry's words were causing. At least the sneer was familiar... "And no, it's not crap. I do care about you. And of course you're a good kid," he added evenly. "So no, I never lied to you. But I am sorry I haven't been here," he added. "I told you I can't...I can't control it..." but even as the words left his mouth, JD wondered how true they were. After all, it was after he'd learned who Perry was that he'd suddenly stopped having visions for nearly a day. Maybe...maybe he was influencing it somehow, subconsciously. The thought sent an extra pang of guilt through his heart.
"I needed you!" Perry cried angrily, stamping his foot. "I needed you, and you left! We...we were going to...to play catch..." his voice cracked, and he lowered his head, face screwing up pitifully as he fought the tears that were making his shoulders shake and his face flush red.
JD squeezed his eyes shut. "I know," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Perry, and I...I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me, either. Especially since I can't promise it won't happen again...All I can say is I would've been here if I'd had a choice." He felt a tear slip free, and brushed it away irritably.
Perry moaned, and finally stopped fighting his tears. He dropped slowly to his knees, gasping a little. "I just want it to stop," he whimpered, voice tight with pain. "I want him to stop!"
JD slipped off the bed, but didn't move any closer, even if his every instinct was crying out to check the boy over, see how badly off he was. "If there was any way I could make him..." he whispered, then bit his lip, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Perry. I'm so sorry I can't take you away from this, fix it for you. I want to. I want to so much, but I can't, and I'm sorry..." JD didn't think he'd ever felt quite so helpless. At least, when he lost a patient, he'd done everything he could. But here...what could he really do? He couldn't even promise to be there when Perry needed him. He sighed heavily. "You'll be bigger than he is, soon. He might stop then..."
Perry laughed, a bitter, humorless sound. "But you said it was wrong to hit," he said, voice bitter. "Remember? Or were you so busy being a doctor you even forgot what you told me?"
"It is wrong, but if someone thinks you can kick their ass, they usually won't press the issue," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And just because it's wrong doesn't mean it's not tempting sometimes, especially when someone's hurting someone you love." He cracked his knuckles absently, mind running in familiar circles. It was getting worse, but...what could he do? Tell Perry to go to a school counselor? Probably useless. The police? The hospital? No guarantee it'd work, and things would be worse when he ended up back home again.
Perry frowned, then, looking up, and there was a strange glimmer in his eyes, beneath the pain and bitterness and fear--something akin to hope. "S-someone you... love?" he whispered.
JD nodded, looking over at him. "Didn't you know that? I should've said..." he shook his head, and scooted just a little bit closer, looking Perry very seriously in his eyes. "I love you, kid," he said softly, not even the least bit surprised to realize he meant it, with all his heart. "I'd take you away from this in a second, if I could, I swear."
"You love me?" Perry whispered, looking lost. "B-but...I...no one..." he trailed off, shaking his head slowly.
"I do," JD said firmly, the conviction growing more solid in his heart. "I know I'm not the same as someone who's here all the time, but I do. I love you."
Perry stared at him for a long moment. Then, hesitant, he slid closer. JD watched, but didn't make a move; when Perry was close enough, he released a shuddery sigh and leaned heavily against JD's side, head resting on JD's shoulder.
"I love you, too," he mumbled. "I wish you didn't have to go, but I'm not mad at you. M'sorry I said I was."
JD carefully slid his arm around Perry, every aware there were probably more bruises beneath the dirty t-shirt that he wasn't aware of. "I wish I didn't have to go, either," he said gently. "And you can be mad at me, if you want. What you feel is always okay. It's what you do about how you feel that can be bad. And I'm mad at me, too," he confessed. "I want to be here for you, and I'm sad and sometimes a little mad when I can't be."
"Take me with you," Perry said suddenly, pulling back and looking up into JD's face, his eyes wide and more than a little desperate. "Please? I...I don't want to stay here. I'll be real quiet, really really quiet--you won't even know I'm there, I promise. Please..." his voice hitched, and his eyes filled with tears, but he did not lower his gaze. "Please don't leave me here."
"God, Perry, if I knew how, I would've done it when we first met..." JD's own eyes were full of tears, and he hugged the boy closer. "I can't. I don't know how...I swear, Perry, I would. If I knew, I would. I hate that I can't take you away from all this."
Perry looked up at him, face confused. "But you're a grownup," he said, sounding a little lost. "I thought grownups always knew what to do."
JD smiled sadly, and shook his head. "We don't," he murmured, sighing heavily. "Sometimes being a grownup isn't any easier than being a kid. They just tell you it will be."
Perry slumped against him, face falling. "Yeah, okay," he murmured, voice dull. "I didn't think you could, anyway..." He sighed, wrapping his arms around JD's waist. "Don't go away for a few more minutes?" he asked. "If you can stay?"
"I'll stay as long as I can," JD replied, hoping six am and his alarm was a long way away. "Do you still want to be a doctor?" he asked softly, after a few moments.
Perry swallowed, lowering his head. "I don't think I can," he said sadly.
JD frowned, pulling back and glancing down at him. "Why not?"
"I'm not getting good grades at school," Perry admitted softly, cringing as though JD would punish him for this.
JD smiled slightly. "Perry, they don't check your scores from fourth grade when you apply to medical school," he said, fighting the urge to chuckle. "You've got plenty of time to pull things up, if you want to. When you get older, you can stay after school at the library and study there, do your homework there, too. And I don't know how often I can be here, but I'll help as much as I can. Is there anything in particular you're having trouble with right now?"
Perry pulled back again, expression suddenly hopeful. "Spelling," he said softly. "And r-reading. I don't... Dad gets mad when I read at home, so I don't usually get my assignments done."
JD frowned. "He gets mad?" he repeated.
Perry sighed. "He says reading is for..." he hesitated, glancing around, then whispered, "faggots."
JD lifted his eyebrow. "That's not a nice word," he said softly, and Perry nodded, looking down.
"I know," the boy said. "That's what he said though, not me. He doesn't like people who read a bunch."
"I'll bet he's not very good at it, huh?" JD asked, shaking his head. "Well. You've probably got a little time in the afternoons before he gets home from work, right? And can you go to bed early? Because you can read under your blankets, if you've got a little flashlight. You can read on the playground, at lunch and at recess, if you want to, too. There are lots of ways to sneak it in. I used to, all the time. It won't be easy," he cautioned. "But it's worth it. If you get good grades, you can get out of here. You can get a scholarship, to college, and move away as soon as you're out of high school. I know it still seems like forever, now, but it's something to work for."
"You'll really help me?" Perry asked, looking up at him again.
"As much as I can," JD promised. "I think you'll be an amazing doctor, Perry." He bit back a smile at the irony of those words--he, after all, knew just how amazing a doctor Perry would be. But he didn't let that show; instead, he lifted his eyebrows, reaching out with the knuckle of his index finger and chucking Perry's chin affectionately.
Perry smiled slowly, reaching up and wiping at his cheeks. "Th-thank you," he whispered, voice high and childish; he hunched a little closer, lowering his head shyly, looking embarrassed but pleased.
JD smiled back, if sadly, and he reached up to stroke the child's wayward curls. "You're welcome," he murmured.
* * *
It came as a relief to JD when, over the next few days, he found himself visiting Perry with relative consistency. Though his visits, to him, were only a few hours or sometimes even a few minutes apart, for Perry, he was there about once a week; he tutored the child when he could, helping him work through his reading materials and even teaching him some new techniques for his mathematics courses. Biology was trickier, because Perry's text was wrong about several things; JD didn't wish to teach him incorrectly, of course, but he knew he would have to, if Perry was to make the grades he'd need. So he gritted his teeth and plowed through it, and it came of no surprise to him that Perry, who finally had someone to encourage and support him, began to excel in his classes. Teachers who'd previously written him off began to take note of him too, and Perry began to have mentors in school when JD wasn't able to be there--a fact for which JD was exceedingly grateful.
As time passed, Perry also began to grow much more quickly, and while poor nutrition at home kept him relatively thin, he at least got to the point where he was often able to outrun his father.
That lasted for only as long as it took the bastard to learn Paige was an easier target. After that, Perry began to deliberately divert him, to protect her, which at once made JD swell with a painful sort of pride and seethe with outrage at the sheer injustice of the situation he had to witness but could not change. Instead, he devoted himself to soothing Perry afterward, holding him, wiping away his tears, telling him how to treat his bruises and cuts, watching for symptoms of more serious injuries. He was soothed by the knowledge that Perry would survive the years of abuse--after all, the Dr. Cox he knew was, at least, physically none the worse for wear--but it was difficult nevertheless, watching the eager, hopeful child slowly begin to become the jaded, saddened teenager who would ultimately become the bitter, verbally (though not physically) abusive man.
His comfort, however, soon began to create problems in and of itself. While he was able to touch and soothe the young boy, and even hold him in his arms and rock him, the rest of the people in Perry's world apparently saw nothing more than Perry standing stock-still, a blank and somewhat dreamy expression on his face. When they spoke, Perry was always careful to be quiet, but he was still occasionally overheard, and soon he began to be teased for daydreaming, and for still, at his age, having an imaginary friend. As he got older, turning eleven, then twelve, the mildly annoyed looks on his teachers' faces evolved into concern; Perry was pulled aside more than once and told he had to grow up, and stop pretending he could talk to someone who wasn't really there.
JD'd drawn Perry aside one day, shortly after the boy turned thirteen, and suggested they not speak anymore when they were anywhere but at his home, but since Perry had begun avoiding home at all costs, he wasn't willing to make that sacrifice.
"I'll just be quieter," he insisted. "We can hide in the corner of the library. Please..." he trailed off, scowling at the ground, looking embarrassed but determined. "Please," he said more softly. "You're... you're my best friend. I don't want to stop talking to you."
JD had been unable to deny him, though they had made every effort to keep their talks more discreet; when JD appeared during one of Perry's classes or in an equally public place, he would stand by and offer quiet words of encouragement, or grip his shoulder, but would try to be as unobtrusive as possible.
It wasn't enough, apparently.
Three months after Perry turned thirteen, JD found himself standing next to him in a small office. Perry was sitting in a hard plastic chair, arms crossed over his chest in a gesture that was achingly familiar, if strange to see on the young man. JD glanced around quickly, but apart from a bookshelf and a cluttered desk, the office appeared to be empty.
"What's going on?" he whispered, moving to kneel next to Perry.
"They sent me to the counselor," the boy sighed, glancing at him then back at his feet.
JD felt the blood drain from his face, eyes going wide. "Why?" he murmured, though he feared the answer to that was all too obvious.
Perry's lips twisted wryly. "They think I'm too old to have an imaginary friend," he said. "Basically they think I'm loony."
JD bit back a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose. They should've been more careful... "I'm sorry, kid," he said softly. "I'm really sorry it went this far..."
Perry shrugged. "I'm not," he said. "Not really. It's definitely not the worst thing I've been called."
"Still..." JD bit his lip. He knew he did Perry a lot of good, but the harm he could cause...It worried him more and more. "We'll have to be more careful."
"We're already being careful," Perry argued, then sighed. "Look, I'd rather have a friend and have a few more people think I'm weird than go back to being alone, okay?"
"I know, Perry," JD said softly, sitting back on his heels. "But...things could get even harder for you, if they think you're actually hallucinating. You could be put on drugs you don't need." Then again, he could be sent to a therapist who could get him into a better home life, too... But JD knew that wasn't as likely as it simply making more trouble. "I don't want to leave you alone. It'd kill me to not get to see you. But I don't want to mess things up for you, either."
"You're not," Perry said softly. "You're helping me. I've been doing better in school since you came, and--"
"Perry?" the door suddenly opened, and a stout, gray-haired woman entered, frowning behind a pair of glasses with a gold chain attached to the earpieces. She wore a large, gray turtleneck sweater with a white cat on the front, and a long black skirt. She glanced around the office, then lifted her eyebrows at Perry. "Who were you talking to?"
Perry flushed, looking down. "No one, ma'am," he mumbled.
JD closed his eyes, bringing his hand up to cover them. So much for being careful...
The woman frowned at him. "Now, Perry," she said, voice high-pitched and somewhat patronizing as she moved further into the office, shut the door and circled her desk, "it's best if you're honest with me. I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth, can I?"
Perry shook his head sullenly. "No," he agreed.
"Good." She settled herself down behind her desk, sinking into her chair, which creaked vaguely in protest. She flipped through his file, clucking to herself, then said, "Ah, yes. Yes, I see." She flipped the chart closed, and folded her hands across her desk, looking at Perry over the tops of her glasses. "So," she said. "Have ourselves an imaginary friend, do we?"
Perry glanced at JD, eyes begging him for instructions.
JD frowned, watching the woman's eyes flick in his direction, following Perry's eye line. The lines around her eyes deepened. "Perry?" she prompted.
Sighing, JD reached up and squeezed Perry's hand lightly. "Probably best not to look at me, kiddo. And...you can tell her you like to pretend things are different, tell her about me that way, if you want. We know I'm real, Perry, but I don't think she'll believe it."
Perry swallowed, and followed JD's instructions, describing him to the counselor as his ideal buddy--a father figure, in a lot of ways; the older brother he always wanted; a mentor. The woman--Mrs. Johanson, JD read on the plaque on her desk--nodded, taking notes as she went.
But soon, after Perry fell silent, she said, "Perry, I need you to answer me perfectly honestly. Do you think that JD is real?"
Perry's eyes widened; he glanced at JD, unable to stop himself, then looked quickly back up at her. "N-no...?" he whispered, unconvincingly enough that JD couldn't help but wince.
"Mmhmm," Johanson hummed, making a note. "And is he here right now? Is that who you keep looking at?"
"I, um... y-yes..."
"Right. Perry, does JD ever tell you to do things?"
JD cringed, already knowing where this was going, but before he could stop him, Perry answered, "Yeah, all the time."
Johanson's eyebrows shot up, nearly to her hairline. "And what sorts of things does he tell you?" she said, voice careful.
Perry seemed to realize he'd made a mistake; he glanced at JD once more.
"Tell her the truth," JD said softly. "To do your homework, work hard, to be good...There's nothing wrong with any of that." Inwardly, he thought he should've known all this was going to happen, should've known he needed to be more careful. Dammit, he was supposed to be the adult here...
"He... he helps me study," Perry said, voice hesitant at first but growing stronger as he went. "He's a d-doctor, and he said I could be too, and he helps me with my reading and math... when I was younger he told me it was bad to hit, even when I was mad, and he... he told me he loves me."
Johanson's eyes had softened as Perry spoke, and now they were gentle with sympathy. "I see," she said quietly. "Perry, I want you to do one more thing for me."
Perry bit his lip, looking up at her. "Y-yeah...?"
She pulled a piece of paper out of her desk and scrawled something on it. "I've written a short sentence here," she said. "If JD is here, have him come over here and read it to you, so you can tell me what it says. Do you think he can do that?"
Perry's eyes widened, his face splitting into a broad grin. "Yeah," he said, looking up at JD. "You can, right? Then they'll believe me!"
JD bit the inside of his lip, heart aching at the hope in Perry's eyes. "I don't think I should, Perry. Because they might ask you to do it again, when I'm not here. Or they might think you're a clairvoyant, and want to study that..." He sighed, looking into Perry's eyes. "Do you understand? It could make things so much harder for you and I never, ever want to do that."
Perry's face fell slowly, eyebrows drawing together in a look of utter confusion. "But... but they'd believe me," he said. "Then I could... we could talk all the time, and they wouldn't make fun of me..."
"I don't think they'd believe you, Perry," JD said softly. "They think you're sick...that something's unbalanced in your brain. That's why she asked you if I told you to do things. Some people hear voices, telling them to be bad. I could make it a lot worse...I don't want you to get medications you don't need, because of me."
JD couldn't see how he could make Perry understand, and the cold panic he was feeling only increased as the room started to go hazy. He cursed under his breath, making Perry's eyebrows raise up. "Perry, I'm going away, anyway. But I promise, I only want to make things easy for you. We'll talk soon..." And he wasn't sure what made him do it, but just as he felt the whole thing start to fade, he hugged Perry close. "Love you, kiddo."
And then he was in his room, the alarm clock beeping at him unmercifully. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
* * *
Working with Dr. Cox was getting more and more awkward. JD couldn't quite connect the sweet, lonely child of his visions--flashbacks--whatever the hell they were--to the callous, bitter man he dealt with on a daily basis. It made him quieter around him, less prone to the random babbling and non-sequitor daydream comments he used to make. Cox, for his part, gave him the occasional odd glance and asked him what his problem was, but other than that didn't make much comment on JD's sudden shift in behavior.
It wasn't until JD gave the attending his report on a nine-year-old with signs of possible abuse that his suspicions began to solidify.
He stood outside the room with the doctor, looking in at the child, who was half-reclined in her bed, staring blankly at a spot on the wall.
Beside him, Cox frowned. "Catatonic?"
JD shook his head. "No, she's responsive, she just...does this, sometimes. And she doesn't seem to hear you, if you talk to her."
"Have you run any CT scans?"
JD shook his head. "No. All her evaluations came back normal, I didn't think there was any need..."
Cox looked over at him, lifting his eyebrows and jerking his thumb in at the child. "No need?" he asked, incredulous. "Look at her, JD. She looks like she's about to start drooling."
"So, maybe she's just daydreaming," JD said, feeling frustrated suddenly. "Look, I've spoken to her, and she seems fine, okay? But the trauma is indicative of abuse, so I thought I'd see if you wanted to report her to social services."
Cox shook his head. "Not until we rule out some sort of mental episode," he said. "Look, if she's unresponsive when she's like this, how do we know her bruises aren't the result of some self-induced stupor and concurrent self-injury?"
JD looked over at him, eyebrows lifted incredulously. "You think she did that to herself?" he said slowly.
"I'm not saying that," Cox snapped. "I'm just saying we have to look at all the possibilities before we go accusing her parents of beating her, okay?"
"Why is this so hard for you to believe?" JD shot back, scowling. "I would think you of all people would understand."
Cox turned to him, frowning, and JD saw something stirring in his eyes. "What?" he said softly.
JD thought fast. "Well...I mean, you fit the profile," he said, falteringly. "For...for a history of abuse..."
Cox's face turned bright red, and he grabbed JD's arm, dragging him into a stair well and slamming the door before turning toward him, livid. "That's a hell of a thing to go assuming about someone, Newbie," he hissed.
JD jerked his arm out of Cox's grasp, rubbing his bicep. "I'm not assuming, I've talked to Carla about you," he replied, frowning. "She told me not to waste my time, but she told me a few things she knew, too. Anyway. I think we should report it to social services, the kid's pretty bad off, and she's got younger siblings." He wasn't sure Dr. Cox would let it go, but the reaction...fuck. Maybe it really was him.
"Fine," Cox snapped, looking a little shaken. "Fine, she's your patient, do what you want. But Newbie, do me a favor, and keep me out of your little gossip circles from now on, all right? My past is none of your damned business."
JD nodded once, curtly, desperately suppressing the urge to giggle. It's more my business than you think it is, Perry.
"Fine." Cox stood for a moment, then shook his head once, sharply, as though to clear it. "Fine. Go take care of it. I've got to go give a status report to the board..." He blinked, scowling at JD suspiciously, then tilted his head. "Hop to it, Melody."
"No problem." JD just resisted the urge to call the older doctor "Perry." He honestly wasn't sure what reaction it'd get him, and he definitely didn't want to push it.
Dr. Cox nodded swiftly then turned on his heels and walked away, just short of actually running. JD watched him go, blinking, then turned to page whichever social worker was on.
* * *
Next Chapter
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