Cancer: Chapter 1
11 December 2006 15:35![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randomweavingFic: Cancer
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: R
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and mild m/m cuddling
Description: When Perry starts getting severe headaches, JD fears the worst... Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
2dozenowies challenge community.
Warnings: Very, very depressing. Seriously, folks--this one's heavy. No happy ending. Character death. Angst, drama, the works. Oh, and slash. Read with caution.
Chapter 1/3 (the others will probably be up in a few hours)
"Newbie, will you please calm down?"
JD paused in his pacing, glancing up at Perry; the older man was sitting on the edge of the exam table, wearing only boxers and a hospital gown. He was watching JD with a slightly amused look on his face, and his bare feet, crossed at the ankles, were swinging casually.
Basically, he looked like he didn't have a care in the world. Which, of course, only made JD want to worry enough for both of them.
"I'll calm down when Dr. Dopp comes in and tells us everything's fine," he retorted shortly, beginning his pacing again.
"Of course everything's fine, Jocelyn," Perry scoffed. "For pity's sake, it's a headache. Not like my head's started rotating or I've begun to speak in tongues. Right?"
JD gave him a Look but otherwise didn't reply. He knew Perry was simply trying to bait him with the girl's names and the jokes, but right now, he wasn't going for it. Besides, it was more than a headache, though that had him worried enough. Perry'd been drowsy for the last few weeks, and more than once he'd complained of muscle fatigue. Not to mention the fact that he was getting a little forgetful, and his concentration at work had started to slip. JD had had to bail him out just a few days ago, when he'd started to write an order to increase the oxygen on Mrs. Hobbson, forgetting that she was COPD--yeah. It wasn't just a headache. JD returned to biting his nails.
He hoped he was being silly. Hoped it was simply a case of "when the only tool you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." But since picking his specialty in oncology, he'd seen a headache and drowsiness turn out to be the first signs of something seriously wrong much too often. So when Perry had again awoken groaning softly, he'd made him promise to get it checked out.
"Why?" Perry had groused, even as he rubbed at his temples. "It's just a headache.
"Just... humor me, okay?" JD had responded, leaning over him and kissing him softly to distract him from the pain.
"Fine," he'd finally agreed. "But only if I get to make fun of you when we find out it's nothing."
JD had smiled, though it was tight. "Deal," he'd agreed. After all, if it did turn out to be nothing, well... being made fun of would be perfectly fine by him.
JD switched to his middle finger, down to gnawing flesh on the index. "He should get here any time..."
Perry watched him, the smile slipping when he realized JD was no longer paying attention. In truth, Perry was a little anxious to know what the MRI had revealed as well. He'd had headaches before, but these... he shuddered. Waking up to the utter certainty your brain was making a last-ditch effort to escape your skull by simply expanding until the bone shattered was not a pleasant experience, and it had become something of a frequent one in the past few weeks. In truth, even if JD hadn't insisted he get checked out, Perry knew he wouldn't have been able to avoid it much longer.
JD sighed, dropping his hand, frowning at the raw flesh on his finger for a moment. "How long does it take to get one test result...Oh!" He stood up straighter as Dr. Dopp came in. The tall, lanky man looked worried, but then he always looked worried, so that really didn't tell them anything. "Well?" he asked, resisting the urge to snatch the chart out of the other man's hand. Wouldn't be a terribly professional thing to do, but he wanted to know.
"Ah, Dr. Cox... I've examined your MRI scans, and we... well, we found something," he said, brushing a hand over his thinning hair. "A large, differentiated mass on the cerebral cortex. We'll need to do some more tests to be sure, of course, and we'll need a biopsy, but right now it... it looks like a glioblastoma multiforme."
No. No, it's not possible... A thousand clichés went through JD's head--rocks in his stomach, time stopping, sinking sensations--but none of them came close to describing the feeling that rushed through him. But then, it wasn't every day someone told you your lover was going to die...He supposed he could forgive himself for not finding a way to describe how he felt. Glioblastoma multiforme. Less than three months, untreated, median survival time with therapy, including surgical resection, radiation therapy, and chemotherapy is maybe 12 months. Less than a quarter of patients live 2 years, less than five percent for five... The statistics ran through his head in an instant--he could almost picture the textbook page he'd first read them on.
He knew he looked stricken, and tried to push it away, looking over at Perry.
Well, that sucks. Perry closed his mouth, turning from Dopp and looking up at JD. The younger doctor's face was blank--a carefully constructed expression Perry knew he'd spent hours perfecting, once he'd decided to specialize in a field that frequently had to give bad news--but he knew him well enough to recognize the turmoil of emotions in his eyes.
"Of course, we can't know for sure," Dopp offered weakly, looking from one to the other. "We'll still have to do the biopsy after the resection, and I'll have Dr. Moyer look at the slides for a second opinion..."
"Dr. Dopp?" Perry cut him off. "Would you mind maybe just... giving us a few minutes? This is kind of a lot to deal with."
"I... of course," Dopp said, looking thrilled to have a reason to leave the room. He nodded to JD, and backed out, bumping into the doorjamb on the way and apologizing to it before he realized what it was.
Perry waited until the door closed behind him, and rolled his eyes. "That man has the worst bedside manner of any doctor in this place," he commented, glancing at JD. "How you doing, Newbie?"
Doing a lot better than you... The words floated through JD's mind, and he frowned slightly, pushing them back. "I'm all right. We won't know anything for sure until after the biopsy results are back...So no point in worrying too much right now." Yeah. No point to worry. Not like that was going to stop him. "How about you?"
Perry shrugged. "Little headachy, but I guess we at least know why now, huh?" He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. This was heavy stuff. "Look, oncology's definitely not my specialty, but keep in mind it's not Dr. Dopp's, either. We don't know anything yet, like you said, so I guess we'll just have to sit tight."
JD swallowed hard, and nodded, wishing he could get a look at Perry's slides himself. But he wasn't going to leave the room, not now, not when--even if it wasn't as bad as Dopp thought it was--they'd just found out Perry had a fucking brain tumor. "You're right. And he's completely a worst case scenario guy...no need to get too worried, now." He smiled, and reached over to squeeze Perry's hand lightly. He wanted to make a joke, ease the tension, but...he couldn't think of anything.
Perry glanced up at him, a rueful half-smile on his lips. "And I'm betting the fact that we both keep saying that means we're worrying anyway, doesn't it?" he murmured, squeezing JD's hand in his.
JD's lips twisted wryly. "Yeah, I'd say so. Hey, no matter what it is, we'll get through it. I won't even tease you while your hair's growing back in. At least, not much." He wished he could think of the right thing to say, the right thing to do, but none of his training helped, now, when it was his own lover...
Perry swallowed, inching a little closer toward JD on the examining table, wanting to lean against him but not wanting to ask. He settled for tightening his hand. "Maybe Ted will let me borrow one of his wigs," he joked, weakly.
JD slipped his arm around Perry, pulling him close. "Dude, no way I'm going to be seen with you in one of those tacky things. We can find something that doesn't look like a small dog..."
Perry turned his head to rest it against JD's chest, closing his eyes. He tried to draw strength and comfort from the younger man's physical presence, but the truth was, he was scared. And not just about the cancer, either. It was all well and good to joke about things like his hair loss right now, when he still looked and, for the most part, felt, perfectly fine. But how would things change between them, when the chemo started to take its toll--when he began to lose control of his body, to look and feel like an old man?
He shoved the thought aside angrily. He was being unfair, and he knew it. Yeah, JD was young, but they'd been together for over a year now, and if the younger doctor had proven anything in that time, it was his utter commitment to Perry and Jack. They were a family, now, and they'd see this out together.
Wouldn't they?
He pressed closer to JD, winding an arm around the younger man's waist, trying to still the voice of doubt in his mind. "Yeah," he responded finally, not entirely sure what the topic had been but wanting to break the silence--to hear JD talk to him, tell him how everything was going to be fine. Or, if not, then just to hear the sound of his voice. "We'll figure this out."
"We will," JD said firmly, wondering if Perry'd heard him teasing. Probably not, he didn't seem to be listening. "You'll be fine, Perry, you know neither of us will settle for anything else. And we're both getting too worried too soon...How many times have we told patients not to freak out until we know what's happening?"
Perry sighed. "I now have a greater amount of sympathy for the ones who freak out anyway," he said, humming a little as JD's fingers crept into his hair and began to gently massage his scalp. "God, thanks... this stupid headache won't fucking quit, you know it?"
"Increased ICP," JD murmured, thinking ironically that when he'd decided on oncology as his specialty, he'd never expected his expertise to be put to use in this particular fashion. "I'll get your PCP to write you a script for Dexamethasone. Should help."
"Mm. Thanks," Perry murmured.
"You're welcome." JD kept up the gentle massage, trying not to picture the tumor hiding only inches beneath his fingertips. But even as his fingers moved, his mind was already working at the problem, trying to make plans. He needed more information...and they weren't going to get it just sitting here. Still, he found himself reluctant to pull away and go searching for answers, when Perry needed him.
Moments later it became a moot point anyway. There was a brief knock on the door, and JD looked up in time to see Dr. Zeltzer walk in, an orderly with a wheelchair following at his heels. "Doctors," Zeltzer greeted. "Dr. Cox, I just had a look at your slides, and I wanted to let you know that we're already working to schedule you into surgery to do a resection. In the meantime I thought we could go ahead and get you admitted, and start outlining a course of treatment for you."
"I... yeah, okay," Perry murmured, pulling away from JD's half-embrace and scrubbing at his eyes.
JD squeezed his shoulder, eyes briefly meeting Zeltzer's as he pulled away. What he saw in them made him shiver. No, I'm just imagining things because I'm worried. He has to be all right...
Perry slid off the table and walked over to the wheelchair, slumping down into it and putting his feet up on the rests. The orderly began to back the chair out of the room, but JD moved forward. "Hey, look, I'll take care of that, okay?" he said, moving behind Perry and taking over the wheelchair handles. The orderly nodded, vanishing down the hallway, and JD looked back up at Zeltzer. "Page me after Moyer looks at the slides," he said softly. "I want to be kept up-to-date on this."
"Of course," Zeltzer said. "Should be half an hour or so; I've already paged him."
"Thanks," JD murmured, then began to wheel Perry down the hallway toward admissions.
Perry was silent, fingers clenched tightly in his lap. GBM. Great. Of all the cancers to get, I had to end up with the most aggressive one with the poorest prognosis. Well, I never do anything half-assed, do I? He shook himself a little, reminding himself they didn't know for sure, but he knew they were kidding themselves. What were the odds that this would be the one time Dopp had been wrong?
Not good.
He sighed, shoulders hunching defensively, almost wishing it wasn't JD behind him. At least if it was a random orderly he wouldn't feel so bad about wanting to break down. But he wouldn't, not as long as JD was there, and doing a much better job of keeping it together than Perry was, he might add.
I can do this, he thought, a little desperately. If he can be strong, I can too.
Still... didn't mean he couldn't do with some distraction. "Hey, Newbie? Could you..." he paused, not entirely sure what he wanted to ask; he wanted to change the subject, but the only things that jumped to his mind weren't exactly accomplishing that: Call Jordan, let her know she'll have to keep Jack this week; call Kelso, let him know my shifts need to be covered... It seemed no matter where he tried to turn his thoughts, this kept creeping in.
Well, yeah, Perry, he thought sardonically. Cancer tends to do that.
He realized he hadn't finished his request; he opened his mouth to fall back on something lame, like Could you get me a glass of water, but what came out instead was, "Could you stay with me tonight?"
He winced at how pathetic he was sure that sounded. He tried to cover his tracks, adding hastily, "I mean--you don't have t--ah, shit." He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at them with his fingers. "How sorry a picture do I make?" he muttered.
"Of course I'll stay," JD replied immediately, relieved Perry'd finally finished his sentence. "I'd want to be on hand anyway. And you're doing better than a lot of people," he added softly, squeezing Perry's shoulder before straightening again, a little surprised at how steady his voice was. Part of him was freaking out, but he kept that part separate, knowing he'd deal with it later. For now...for now he had other things to think about, to do, and he couldn't be panicky to handle them.
Perry flushed, ashamed he was only inches from breaking down completely when JD was so calm and collected. He nodded mutely, resolving to keep his mouth shut, and let the younger man push him to the admissions desk. He listened half-heartedly as JD talked to the nurse there in low undertones. He did look up when he heard the beeper clipped to JD's scrubs suddenly beep, and watched as JD frowned, reading the message there. He turned and knelt in front of Perry.
"Perry, that's Dr. Zeltzer," he said softly. "He's spoken to Moyer, and they want to talk to me. I'm going to go see what they've found, but I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? They're going to admit you to the third floor." The oncology ward, Perry added silently in his head, but didn't voice the thought. JD continued to speak. "I'm going to have them send you something to eat, too--I don't know when they'll be able to work you into surgery, but it'll be sooner rather than later if I have anything to say about it, so you might have to be NPO pretty soon. Try to eat something, okay?"
Perry nodded, doing his best to smile for JD, though he was relieved when the younger man stood, turning back to the nurse. "This is my pager number," he said, scrawling it on a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket. "I want you to let me know what room they put him in."
"Of course," she said. JD looked down at Perry again and smiled, reaching down to squeeze his shoulder again. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he murmured.
Then he was gone. The nurse wordlessly took the handles of Perry's wheelchair, walking him over to one of the booths nearby to fill out his admissions paperwork. "This shouldn't take long," she said. "Since you're an employee your records will mostly be on file..."
Perry tuned her out, filling out the forms she shoved in front of him and answering questions when prompted, but mostly trying to keep his mind blank. He wondered what, if anything, JD was learning, back up in Radiology.
* * *
JD all but ran the distance, as soon as he was out of Perry's sight, trying to put the look in the older man's eyes out of his mind. He never would've thought, if asked, that he'd be the one holding things together in a situation like this. Oh, he was usually good in a crisis--kind of difficult to be an effective doctor if you weren't, after all--but this was a personal crisis, and was bigger than any he remembered, and he was calm, collected, doing what he had to, while Perry looked to be on the edge.
Well, it's not happening to me. Who knows how I'd be reacting if I was the one who just found out he had cancer...Oh fuck. He pushed down another twinge of worry, a rising seed of panic, and hurried more quickly through the halls.
Zeltzer was talking to Moyer quietly when JD finally arrived; both men looked up at him with such sympathy that JD knew instantly it was going to be bad.
"Dr. Dorian," Zeltzer said, moving forward. "I'm afraid our news isn't terribly good."
JD swallowed the fear that again tried to strangle him and nodded. "It is a glioblastoma multiforme, then?" he said softly.
Zeltzer nodded, slowly. "I'm afraid it looks like it," he said. "We will, of course, still need the biopsy, but... if that does indeed come back positive, which we feel pretty certain it will, then yes." He took another step forward. "I'm sorry," he said softly, studying JD's face; JD and Perry had made no effort to hide, so the nature of their relationship was pretty common knowledge throughout the hospital.
JD closed his eyes for a moment, but gave no other outward sign. A year. Statistics said they'd have a year together. Two if they were very, very lucky. No, dammit, he wasn't going to accept that. It wasn't enough....Not nearly enough time, not after all they'd spent dancing around each other. There had to be something he could do, some treatment he could find...
All this flashed through his mind quickly, and he opened his eyes and nodded. "Thank you. How soon can we schedule the resection?"
If Zeltzer was surprised by JD's calm, he masked it well. "I've already spoken to the chief of surgery," he said. "We can get him in tomorrow afternoon."
JD nodded again. "Thank you," he said again quietly. Then, "Do you mind if I take a moment to look at the slides?"
"I--of course," Dr. Moyer said, frowning a little as he glanced at Zeltzer. "I'm going to just... I'll just be going, unless you need me...?"
Zeltzer shook his head, and JD ignored them both, walking up to the screens and staring at the black and white slides--the slides of Perry's brain--and the fist-sized, uneven dark spot that was his death sentence.
No. A desperate calm had taken over, and as he stared at the slides, aware that Moyer had left and that Zeltzer soon followed but not caring, he decided he simply would not accept this. Wasn't it only a century ago that people died of infections, the flu, appendicitis--things that could now be cured with penicillin, antibiotics, simple surgical procedures? No, there was an answer to this. It was biology. There was a problem, and if he looked long enough, hard enough, there would be an answer, too.
He didn't stir until his pager went off, giving him Perry's room number. Nodding to himself he headed off to it, already trying to remember what he knew of clinical trials, experimental therapies...He'd have to get to a computer and do some serious research, as soon as Perry was settled. Good thing he could hook up his laptop in the room, get some use out of the time Perry'd spend sleeping, that night.
As set as he was going to be for what he had to do, JD pushed the door open and offered Perry what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Should've asked Zeltzer if they were letting him break the news... "Hey."
Perry looked up, starting to return the smile, but it faded when he saw the look on JD's face. The kid was... calm. Perfectly, stonily calm. And it wasn't the fake calm of before, either--his eyes were silent, distant, even though the smile remained plastered on JD's face.
Wherever he is, he's miles from here, Perry thought with dismay. "Hey," he replied. "What's the word?"
"You're going in for surgery tomorrow afternoon," JD replied, letting the door shut behind him before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He knew he had to tell Perry that it looked like GBM, to his own eyes as well as everyone else's, but he could've wished Zeltzer had beat him here... "We won't know until the biopsy comes back, of course, but it looks like Dopp was right."
Perry nodded slowly. "Okay," he said softly, looking down at the tray of turkey and potatoes sitting in congealing gravy, and the sad pile of shriveled peas beside them, that sat on the bedside table. He drew a breath then released it slowly. "Did... did they give you a prognosis?"
"No..." But then they hadn't really had to, JD knew the conventional opinions, and he'd seen the slides. He slid closer, taking Perry's hand in his, squeezing his fingers lightly. "But I saw your slides. I won't lie to you, Perry, it's...if it is GBM, it's a year with aggressive treatment, maybe two at the most. But there are new clinical trials, they're experimenting with some therapies in Chicago...I'm not going to let this take you from me, all right?"
Perry looked up, a small niggle of alarm beginning to work its way through the haze of disbelief and terror that had been his afternoon so far. "I... JD--look, if..." he trailed off, biting his lip, but eventually nodded. If this was what JD needed right now--if this was how he was coping--well, Perry wouldn't take that from him yet. Let him have a day or week or even just a few hours of believing this would be all right, because soon enough, there'd be no pretending for either of them, anymore. "Okay," he murmured, looking down at their entwined fingers.
JD frowned a little, and let go of Perry's hand, turning around to slip his arm around the other man, rubbing his back gently. "I love you," he offered, after a long moment's silence, spent trying to think of something to say.
Perry closed his eyes, lowering his head, trying to still the shudders that had taken over his body. "I love you," he whispered back. "JD, I... I'm..." he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, clenching his jaw as he tried to slow his breathing.
"I'm scared, too," JD whispered, holding him closer. "And hey, we're alone, no one else'd know, if you need to lose it a little..."
Perry drew a sharp breath and let it out on a half-sob, curling onto his side and hiding his face in the juncture of JD's neck and shoulder. He slid one arm around JD's waist, scrunching his eyes more tightly closed, hating himself for the tears that slipped free anyway. He was still shaking, almost violently, and he tried to curl closer to JD, hoping he could somehow hide from this thing--that maybe, if JD held him close enough, the cancer wouldn't find him. He knew he wasn't being terribly rational, but the pain in his head and the terror in his heart wouldn't let him think otherwise.
JD held him as close as he could, trying to absorb the shaking sobs, murmuring soft reassurances he wouldn't remember later. He tried not to let his own fear and worry get out of control. Perry needed him now...so he ignored them, pushed them down again, reminded himself he'd find an answer. It was enough that his answering tears dried well before Perry pulled back. They'd beat this. They had to. He couldn't even begin to consider the alternative.
* * *
Perry had drifted off, held in JD's arms; the dexamethanol had finally kicked in, and the sheer relief of the fading of his headache, coupled with the comfort of being held through his breakdown, had made him fall into a deep, restful sleep.
He wasn't sure what time it was, but the room was completely dark when he woke again.
Well, almost completely dark. From beside the bed, the glow of JD's laptop computer's monitor cast the room in an odd half-light, one that stretched far enough to illuminate the young man's frowning face.
Perry lifted an eyebrow, watching him in silence for a moment, before murmuring, "You're going to go blind if you keep reading like that."
JD jumped, slightly, when Perry spoke, but smiled. "Haven't yet," he replied, still scanning the article on the screen in front of him. He reached the end, and looked up. "How're you feeling?"
Perry paused, considering. The pounding in his skull had remained at bay, now only the faintest glimmer of pain. Compared to what he was used to, it was so scarce he barely noticed it. Other than that, he was simply tired. He smiled. "Pretty good, actually," he responded. Then, "What are you doing, anyway? What time is it?"
"Just after three," JD replied, stretching, his joints making a rapid series of popping noises. "You were snoring, so I figured you were doing better." He smiled, and yawned. "And I'm just doing a little research. Couldn't sleep."
Perry raised his eyebrows, looking JD over. "You certainly look like you could now," he said. He slid back on the bed, making a space, which he patted with his hand. "Care to give it another try?"
"In a bit, yeah. I just want to finish reading this case study..." JD yawned again, but shook his head, blinking at the screen. He'd gone soft, staying up this late after a full day would've been easy as an intern...
Perry frowned. "JD... look at you. You're dead on your feet. Or your ass, as it were," he joked. "Come on, kid. Come to bed already, before you nod off and that fancy laptop of yours ends up in a million pieces when you drop it on the floor."
"It hasn't yet, and Jack's knocked it over half a dozen times..." But JD shut the laptop, blinking in the sudden dark, giving his eyes time to adjust before crawling onto the bed with Perry. He yawned once more, hearing his jaw crack as he did. "Sleep does sound good, though," he offered, laying his head on Perry's shoulder, one arm across his chest.
Perry wrapped him in his arms, comfortable again with the solid weight of the younger man's body back where it belonged. "So what were you researching, anyway?" he murmured, more to simply stave off sleep for a few more moments than anything else. It was the first time they'd been able to lie comfortably together without Perry's head attempting to implode in well over three weeks, and Perry had missed being able to focus on the sheer physical comfort and pleasure of having JD pressed against him.
JD hesitated for a moment. This was so nice, the two of them pressed together, feeling Perry's arms around him...he didn't want to ruin it, by bringing up what he'd been doing. Not that he'd found anything remotely encouraging, but then he hadn't been looking long...And they didn't know for sure what type of tumor it was yet. He finally shrugged, snuggling closer. "Something for a patient...Just trying to keep busy until I got tired again."
Perry smiled, hidden in JD's hair. "You're one dedicated doctor, Newbie," he murmured, already drifting again. "Find what you were looking for?"
JD felt a sudden swell of emotion rise within him, and he snuggled closer to Perry, listening as his breathing got deeper. "Not yet," he whispered.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to stop trying.
* * *
Next Chapter
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: R
Chapter Rating: PG-13 for language and mild m/m cuddling
Description: When Perry starts getting severe headaches, JD fears the worst... Written for the
2dozenowies challenge community.Warnings: Very, very depressing. Seriously, folks--this one's heavy. No happy ending. Character death. Angst, drama, the works. Oh, and slash. Read with caution.
Chapter 1/3 (the others will probably be up in a few hours)
"Newbie, will you please calm down?"
JD paused in his pacing, glancing up at Perry; the older man was sitting on the edge of the exam table, wearing only boxers and a hospital gown. He was watching JD with a slightly amused look on his face, and his bare feet, crossed at the ankles, were swinging casually.
Basically, he looked like he didn't have a care in the world. Which, of course, only made JD want to worry enough for both of them.
"I'll calm down when Dr. Dopp comes in and tells us everything's fine," he retorted shortly, beginning his pacing again.
"Of course everything's fine, Jocelyn," Perry scoffed. "For pity's sake, it's a headache. Not like my head's started rotating or I've begun to speak in tongues. Right?"
JD gave him a Look but otherwise didn't reply. He knew Perry was simply trying to bait him with the girl's names and the jokes, but right now, he wasn't going for it. Besides, it was more than a headache, though that had him worried enough. Perry'd been drowsy for the last few weeks, and more than once he'd complained of muscle fatigue. Not to mention the fact that he was getting a little forgetful, and his concentration at work had started to slip. JD had had to bail him out just a few days ago, when he'd started to write an order to increase the oxygen on Mrs. Hobbson, forgetting that she was COPD--yeah. It wasn't just a headache. JD returned to biting his nails.
He hoped he was being silly. Hoped it was simply a case of "when the only tool you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." But since picking his specialty in oncology, he'd seen a headache and drowsiness turn out to be the first signs of something seriously wrong much too often. So when Perry had again awoken groaning softly, he'd made him promise to get it checked out.
"Why?" Perry had groused, even as he rubbed at his temples. "It's just a headache.
"Just... humor me, okay?" JD had responded, leaning over him and kissing him softly to distract him from the pain.
"Fine," he'd finally agreed. "But only if I get to make fun of you when we find out it's nothing."
JD had smiled, though it was tight. "Deal," he'd agreed. After all, if it did turn out to be nothing, well... being made fun of would be perfectly fine by him.
JD switched to his middle finger, down to gnawing flesh on the index. "He should get here any time..."
Perry watched him, the smile slipping when he realized JD was no longer paying attention. In truth, Perry was a little anxious to know what the MRI had revealed as well. He'd had headaches before, but these... he shuddered. Waking up to the utter certainty your brain was making a last-ditch effort to escape your skull by simply expanding until the bone shattered was not a pleasant experience, and it had become something of a frequent one in the past few weeks. In truth, even if JD hadn't insisted he get checked out, Perry knew he wouldn't have been able to avoid it much longer.
JD sighed, dropping his hand, frowning at the raw flesh on his finger for a moment. "How long does it take to get one test result...Oh!" He stood up straighter as Dr. Dopp came in. The tall, lanky man looked worried, but then he always looked worried, so that really didn't tell them anything. "Well?" he asked, resisting the urge to snatch the chart out of the other man's hand. Wouldn't be a terribly professional thing to do, but he wanted to know.
"Ah, Dr. Cox... I've examined your MRI scans, and we... well, we found something," he said, brushing a hand over his thinning hair. "A large, differentiated mass on the cerebral cortex. We'll need to do some more tests to be sure, of course, and we'll need a biopsy, but right now it... it looks like a glioblastoma multiforme."
No. No, it's not possible... A thousand clichés went through JD's head--rocks in his stomach, time stopping, sinking sensations--but none of them came close to describing the feeling that rushed through him. But then, it wasn't every day someone told you your lover was going to die...He supposed he could forgive himself for not finding a way to describe how he felt. Glioblastoma multiforme. Less than three months, untreated, median survival time with therapy, including surgical resection, radiation therapy, and chemotherapy is maybe 12 months. Less than a quarter of patients live 2 years, less than five percent for five... The statistics ran through his head in an instant--he could almost picture the textbook page he'd first read them on.
He knew he looked stricken, and tried to push it away, looking over at Perry.
Well, that sucks. Perry closed his mouth, turning from Dopp and looking up at JD. The younger doctor's face was blank--a carefully constructed expression Perry knew he'd spent hours perfecting, once he'd decided to specialize in a field that frequently had to give bad news--but he knew him well enough to recognize the turmoil of emotions in his eyes.
"Of course, we can't know for sure," Dopp offered weakly, looking from one to the other. "We'll still have to do the biopsy after the resection, and I'll have Dr. Moyer look at the slides for a second opinion..."
"Dr. Dopp?" Perry cut him off. "Would you mind maybe just... giving us a few minutes? This is kind of a lot to deal with."
"I... of course," Dopp said, looking thrilled to have a reason to leave the room. He nodded to JD, and backed out, bumping into the doorjamb on the way and apologizing to it before he realized what it was.
Perry waited until the door closed behind him, and rolled his eyes. "That man has the worst bedside manner of any doctor in this place," he commented, glancing at JD. "How you doing, Newbie?"
Doing a lot better than you... The words floated through JD's mind, and he frowned slightly, pushing them back. "I'm all right. We won't know anything for sure until after the biopsy results are back...So no point in worrying too much right now." Yeah. No point to worry. Not like that was going to stop him. "How about you?"
Perry shrugged. "Little headachy, but I guess we at least know why now, huh?" He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. This was heavy stuff. "Look, oncology's definitely not my specialty, but keep in mind it's not Dr. Dopp's, either. We don't know anything yet, like you said, so I guess we'll just have to sit tight."
JD swallowed hard, and nodded, wishing he could get a look at Perry's slides himself. But he wasn't going to leave the room, not now, not when--even if it wasn't as bad as Dopp thought it was--they'd just found out Perry had a fucking brain tumor. "You're right. And he's completely a worst case scenario guy...no need to get too worried, now." He smiled, and reached over to squeeze Perry's hand lightly. He wanted to make a joke, ease the tension, but...he couldn't think of anything.
Perry glanced up at him, a rueful half-smile on his lips. "And I'm betting the fact that we both keep saying that means we're worrying anyway, doesn't it?" he murmured, squeezing JD's hand in his.
JD's lips twisted wryly. "Yeah, I'd say so. Hey, no matter what it is, we'll get through it. I won't even tease you while your hair's growing back in. At least, not much." He wished he could think of the right thing to say, the right thing to do, but none of his training helped, now, when it was his own lover...
Perry swallowed, inching a little closer toward JD on the examining table, wanting to lean against him but not wanting to ask. He settled for tightening his hand. "Maybe Ted will let me borrow one of his wigs," he joked, weakly.
JD slipped his arm around Perry, pulling him close. "Dude, no way I'm going to be seen with you in one of those tacky things. We can find something that doesn't look like a small dog..."
Perry turned his head to rest it against JD's chest, closing his eyes. He tried to draw strength and comfort from the younger man's physical presence, but the truth was, he was scared. And not just about the cancer, either. It was all well and good to joke about things like his hair loss right now, when he still looked and, for the most part, felt, perfectly fine. But how would things change between them, when the chemo started to take its toll--when he began to lose control of his body, to look and feel like an old man?
He shoved the thought aside angrily. He was being unfair, and he knew it. Yeah, JD was young, but they'd been together for over a year now, and if the younger doctor had proven anything in that time, it was his utter commitment to Perry and Jack. They were a family, now, and they'd see this out together.
Wouldn't they?
He pressed closer to JD, winding an arm around the younger man's waist, trying to still the voice of doubt in his mind. "Yeah," he responded finally, not entirely sure what the topic had been but wanting to break the silence--to hear JD talk to him, tell him how everything was going to be fine. Or, if not, then just to hear the sound of his voice. "We'll figure this out."
"We will," JD said firmly, wondering if Perry'd heard him teasing. Probably not, he didn't seem to be listening. "You'll be fine, Perry, you know neither of us will settle for anything else. And we're both getting too worried too soon...How many times have we told patients not to freak out until we know what's happening?"
Perry sighed. "I now have a greater amount of sympathy for the ones who freak out anyway," he said, humming a little as JD's fingers crept into his hair and began to gently massage his scalp. "God, thanks... this stupid headache won't fucking quit, you know it?"
"Increased ICP," JD murmured, thinking ironically that when he'd decided on oncology as his specialty, he'd never expected his expertise to be put to use in this particular fashion. "I'll get your PCP to write you a script for Dexamethasone. Should help."
"Mm. Thanks," Perry murmured.
"You're welcome." JD kept up the gentle massage, trying not to picture the tumor hiding only inches beneath his fingertips. But even as his fingers moved, his mind was already working at the problem, trying to make plans. He needed more information...and they weren't going to get it just sitting here. Still, he found himself reluctant to pull away and go searching for answers, when Perry needed him.
Moments later it became a moot point anyway. There was a brief knock on the door, and JD looked up in time to see Dr. Zeltzer walk in, an orderly with a wheelchair following at his heels. "Doctors," Zeltzer greeted. "Dr. Cox, I just had a look at your slides, and I wanted to let you know that we're already working to schedule you into surgery to do a resection. In the meantime I thought we could go ahead and get you admitted, and start outlining a course of treatment for you."
"I... yeah, okay," Perry murmured, pulling away from JD's half-embrace and scrubbing at his eyes.
JD squeezed his shoulder, eyes briefly meeting Zeltzer's as he pulled away. What he saw in them made him shiver. No, I'm just imagining things because I'm worried. He has to be all right...
Perry slid off the table and walked over to the wheelchair, slumping down into it and putting his feet up on the rests. The orderly began to back the chair out of the room, but JD moved forward. "Hey, look, I'll take care of that, okay?" he said, moving behind Perry and taking over the wheelchair handles. The orderly nodded, vanishing down the hallway, and JD looked back up at Zeltzer. "Page me after Moyer looks at the slides," he said softly. "I want to be kept up-to-date on this."
"Of course," Zeltzer said. "Should be half an hour or so; I've already paged him."
"Thanks," JD murmured, then began to wheel Perry down the hallway toward admissions.
Perry was silent, fingers clenched tightly in his lap. GBM. Great. Of all the cancers to get, I had to end up with the most aggressive one with the poorest prognosis. Well, I never do anything half-assed, do I? He shook himself a little, reminding himself they didn't know for sure, but he knew they were kidding themselves. What were the odds that this would be the one time Dopp had been wrong?
Not good.
He sighed, shoulders hunching defensively, almost wishing it wasn't JD behind him. At least if it was a random orderly he wouldn't feel so bad about wanting to break down. But he wouldn't, not as long as JD was there, and doing a much better job of keeping it together than Perry was, he might add.
I can do this, he thought, a little desperately. If he can be strong, I can too.
Still... didn't mean he couldn't do with some distraction. "Hey, Newbie? Could you..." he paused, not entirely sure what he wanted to ask; he wanted to change the subject, but the only things that jumped to his mind weren't exactly accomplishing that: Call Jordan, let her know she'll have to keep Jack this week; call Kelso, let him know my shifts need to be covered... It seemed no matter where he tried to turn his thoughts, this kept creeping in.
Well, yeah, Perry, he thought sardonically. Cancer tends to do that.
He realized he hadn't finished his request; he opened his mouth to fall back on something lame, like Could you get me a glass of water, but what came out instead was, "Could you stay with me tonight?"
He winced at how pathetic he was sure that sounded. He tried to cover his tracks, adding hastily, "I mean--you don't have t--ah, shit." He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at them with his fingers. "How sorry a picture do I make?" he muttered.
"Of course I'll stay," JD replied immediately, relieved Perry'd finally finished his sentence. "I'd want to be on hand anyway. And you're doing better than a lot of people," he added softly, squeezing Perry's shoulder before straightening again, a little surprised at how steady his voice was. Part of him was freaking out, but he kept that part separate, knowing he'd deal with it later. For now...for now he had other things to think about, to do, and he couldn't be panicky to handle them.
Perry flushed, ashamed he was only inches from breaking down completely when JD was so calm and collected. He nodded mutely, resolving to keep his mouth shut, and let the younger man push him to the admissions desk. He listened half-heartedly as JD talked to the nurse there in low undertones. He did look up when he heard the beeper clipped to JD's scrubs suddenly beep, and watched as JD frowned, reading the message there. He turned and knelt in front of Perry.
"Perry, that's Dr. Zeltzer," he said softly. "He's spoken to Moyer, and they want to talk to me. I'm going to go see what they've found, but I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? They're going to admit you to the third floor." The oncology ward, Perry added silently in his head, but didn't voice the thought. JD continued to speak. "I'm going to have them send you something to eat, too--I don't know when they'll be able to work you into surgery, but it'll be sooner rather than later if I have anything to say about it, so you might have to be NPO pretty soon. Try to eat something, okay?"
Perry nodded, doing his best to smile for JD, though he was relieved when the younger man stood, turning back to the nurse. "This is my pager number," he said, scrawling it on a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket. "I want you to let me know what room they put him in."
"Of course," she said. JD looked down at Perry again and smiled, reaching down to squeeze his shoulder again. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he murmured.
Then he was gone. The nurse wordlessly took the handles of Perry's wheelchair, walking him over to one of the booths nearby to fill out his admissions paperwork. "This shouldn't take long," she said. "Since you're an employee your records will mostly be on file..."
Perry tuned her out, filling out the forms she shoved in front of him and answering questions when prompted, but mostly trying to keep his mind blank. He wondered what, if anything, JD was learning, back up in Radiology.
* * *
JD all but ran the distance, as soon as he was out of Perry's sight, trying to put the look in the older man's eyes out of his mind. He never would've thought, if asked, that he'd be the one holding things together in a situation like this. Oh, he was usually good in a crisis--kind of difficult to be an effective doctor if you weren't, after all--but this was a personal crisis, and was bigger than any he remembered, and he was calm, collected, doing what he had to, while Perry looked to be on the edge.
Well, it's not happening to me. Who knows how I'd be reacting if I was the one who just found out he had cancer...Oh fuck. He pushed down another twinge of worry, a rising seed of panic, and hurried more quickly through the halls.
Zeltzer was talking to Moyer quietly when JD finally arrived; both men looked up at him with such sympathy that JD knew instantly it was going to be bad.
"Dr. Dorian," Zeltzer said, moving forward. "I'm afraid our news isn't terribly good."
JD swallowed the fear that again tried to strangle him and nodded. "It is a glioblastoma multiforme, then?" he said softly.
Zeltzer nodded, slowly. "I'm afraid it looks like it," he said. "We will, of course, still need the biopsy, but... if that does indeed come back positive, which we feel pretty certain it will, then yes." He took another step forward. "I'm sorry," he said softly, studying JD's face; JD and Perry had made no effort to hide, so the nature of their relationship was pretty common knowledge throughout the hospital.
JD closed his eyes for a moment, but gave no other outward sign. A year. Statistics said they'd have a year together. Two if they were very, very lucky. No, dammit, he wasn't going to accept that. It wasn't enough....Not nearly enough time, not after all they'd spent dancing around each other. There had to be something he could do, some treatment he could find...
All this flashed through his mind quickly, and he opened his eyes and nodded. "Thank you. How soon can we schedule the resection?"
If Zeltzer was surprised by JD's calm, he masked it well. "I've already spoken to the chief of surgery," he said. "We can get him in tomorrow afternoon."
JD nodded again. "Thank you," he said again quietly. Then, "Do you mind if I take a moment to look at the slides?"
"I--of course," Dr. Moyer said, frowning a little as he glanced at Zeltzer. "I'm going to just... I'll just be going, unless you need me...?"
Zeltzer shook his head, and JD ignored them both, walking up to the screens and staring at the black and white slides--the slides of Perry's brain--and the fist-sized, uneven dark spot that was his death sentence.
No. A desperate calm had taken over, and as he stared at the slides, aware that Moyer had left and that Zeltzer soon followed but not caring, he decided he simply would not accept this. Wasn't it only a century ago that people died of infections, the flu, appendicitis--things that could now be cured with penicillin, antibiotics, simple surgical procedures? No, there was an answer to this. It was biology. There was a problem, and if he looked long enough, hard enough, there would be an answer, too.
He didn't stir until his pager went off, giving him Perry's room number. Nodding to himself he headed off to it, already trying to remember what he knew of clinical trials, experimental therapies...He'd have to get to a computer and do some serious research, as soon as Perry was settled. Good thing he could hook up his laptop in the room, get some use out of the time Perry'd spend sleeping, that night.
As set as he was going to be for what he had to do, JD pushed the door open and offered Perry what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Should've asked Zeltzer if they were letting him break the news... "Hey."
Perry looked up, starting to return the smile, but it faded when he saw the look on JD's face. The kid was... calm. Perfectly, stonily calm. And it wasn't the fake calm of before, either--his eyes were silent, distant, even though the smile remained plastered on JD's face.
Wherever he is, he's miles from here, Perry thought with dismay. "Hey," he replied. "What's the word?"
"You're going in for surgery tomorrow afternoon," JD replied, letting the door shut behind him before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He knew he had to tell Perry that it looked like GBM, to his own eyes as well as everyone else's, but he could've wished Zeltzer had beat him here... "We won't know until the biopsy comes back, of course, but it looks like Dopp was right."
Perry nodded slowly. "Okay," he said softly, looking down at the tray of turkey and potatoes sitting in congealing gravy, and the sad pile of shriveled peas beside them, that sat on the bedside table. He drew a breath then released it slowly. "Did... did they give you a prognosis?"
"No..." But then they hadn't really had to, JD knew the conventional opinions, and he'd seen the slides. He slid closer, taking Perry's hand in his, squeezing his fingers lightly. "But I saw your slides. I won't lie to you, Perry, it's...if it is GBM, it's a year with aggressive treatment, maybe two at the most. But there are new clinical trials, they're experimenting with some therapies in Chicago...I'm not going to let this take you from me, all right?"
Perry looked up, a small niggle of alarm beginning to work its way through the haze of disbelief and terror that had been his afternoon so far. "I... JD--look, if..." he trailed off, biting his lip, but eventually nodded. If this was what JD needed right now--if this was how he was coping--well, Perry wouldn't take that from him yet. Let him have a day or week or even just a few hours of believing this would be all right, because soon enough, there'd be no pretending for either of them, anymore. "Okay," he murmured, looking down at their entwined fingers.
JD frowned a little, and let go of Perry's hand, turning around to slip his arm around the other man, rubbing his back gently. "I love you," he offered, after a long moment's silence, spent trying to think of something to say.
Perry closed his eyes, lowering his head, trying to still the shudders that had taken over his body. "I love you," he whispered back. "JD, I... I'm..." he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, clenching his jaw as he tried to slow his breathing.
"I'm scared, too," JD whispered, holding him closer. "And hey, we're alone, no one else'd know, if you need to lose it a little..."
Perry drew a sharp breath and let it out on a half-sob, curling onto his side and hiding his face in the juncture of JD's neck and shoulder. He slid one arm around JD's waist, scrunching his eyes more tightly closed, hating himself for the tears that slipped free anyway. He was still shaking, almost violently, and he tried to curl closer to JD, hoping he could somehow hide from this thing--that maybe, if JD held him close enough, the cancer wouldn't find him. He knew he wasn't being terribly rational, but the pain in his head and the terror in his heart wouldn't let him think otherwise.
JD held him as close as he could, trying to absorb the shaking sobs, murmuring soft reassurances he wouldn't remember later. He tried not to let his own fear and worry get out of control. Perry needed him now...so he ignored them, pushed them down again, reminded himself he'd find an answer. It was enough that his answering tears dried well before Perry pulled back. They'd beat this. They had to. He couldn't even begin to consider the alternative.
* * *
Perry had drifted off, held in JD's arms; the dexamethanol had finally kicked in, and the sheer relief of the fading of his headache, coupled with the comfort of being held through his breakdown, had made him fall into a deep, restful sleep.
He wasn't sure what time it was, but the room was completely dark when he woke again.
Well, almost completely dark. From beside the bed, the glow of JD's laptop computer's monitor cast the room in an odd half-light, one that stretched far enough to illuminate the young man's frowning face.
Perry lifted an eyebrow, watching him in silence for a moment, before murmuring, "You're going to go blind if you keep reading like that."
JD jumped, slightly, when Perry spoke, but smiled. "Haven't yet," he replied, still scanning the article on the screen in front of him. He reached the end, and looked up. "How're you feeling?"
Perry paused, considering. The pounding in his skull had remained at bay, now only the faintest glimmer of pain. Compared to what he was used to, it was so scarce he barely noticed it. Other than that, he was simply tired. He smiled. "Pretty good, actually," he responded. Then, "What are you doing, anyway? What time is it?"
"Just after three," JD replied, stretching, his joints making a rapid series of popping noises. "You were snoring, so I figured you were doing better." He smiled, and yawned. "And I'm just doing a little research. Couldn't sleep."
Perry raised his eyebrows, looking JD over. "You certainly look like you could now," he said. He slid back on the bed, making a space, which he patted with his hand. "Care to give it another try?"
"In a bit, yeah. I just want to finish reading this case study..." JD yawned again, but shook his head, blinking at the screen. He'd gone soft, staying up this late after a full day would've been easy as an intern...
Perry frowned. "JD... look at you. You're dead on your feet. Or your ass, as it were," he joked. "Come on, kid. Come to bed already, before you nod off and that fancy laptop of yours ends up in a million pieces when you drop it on the floor."
"It hasn't yet, and Jack's knocked it over half a dozen times..." But JD shut the laptop, blinking in the sudden dark, giving his eyes time to adjust before crawling onto the bed with Perry. He yawned once more, hearing his jaw crack as he did. "Sleep does sound good, though," he offered, laying his head on Perry's shoulder, one arm across his chest.
Perry wrapped him in his arms, comfortable again with the solid weight of the younger man's body back where it belonged. "So what were you researching, anyway?" he murmured, more to simply stave off sleep for a few more moments than anything else. It was the first time they'd been able to lie comfortably together without Perry's head attempting to implode in well over three weeks, and Perry had missed being able to focus on the sheer physical comfort and pleasure of having JD pressed against him.
JD hesitated for a moment. This was so nice, the two of them pressed together, feeling Perry's arms around him...he didn't want to ruin it, by bringing up what he'd been doing. Not that he'd found anything remotely encouraging, but then he hadn't been looking long...And they didn't know for sure what type of tumor it was yet. He finally shrugged, snuggling closer. "Something for a patient...Just trying to keep busy until I got tired again."
Perry smiled, hidden in JD's hair. "You're one dedicated doctor, Newbie," he murmured, already drifting again. "Find what you were looking for?"
JD felt a sudden swell of emotion rise within him, and he snuggled closer to Perry, listening as his breathing got deeper. "Not yet," he whispered.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to stop trying.
* * *
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