Changeling: Chapter 31
1 April 2007 00:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randomweavingFic: Changeling
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.
Chapter listings: Contents Post
Five more days passed, and still JD had not snapped out of the strange funk he'd slipped into after finding Perry's letter. He'd taken to carrying it folded in his pocket wherever he went, though the others never saw him read it, and they frequently would find him curled in a corner, when Jack was asleep, staring at the black and white photo the letter had marked. He would trace his fingers over it, outlining the contours of Perry's face, stroking over his hair, his chest, his arms, but though he would occasionally release a faint sigh, he never cried.
By the end of the sixth day, Turk decided he'd had enough.
He waited until the others had left for the field--they took turns staying behind, afraid to leave JD alone--then stalked into the den, determined to confront his friend.
"All right, dude," he growled, planting himself in front of JD while his best friend sat on the floor watching Jack sleeping in his playpen. He'd lost weight, in the past two weeks, and there were dark circles under his blank eyes. Turk understood his friend was hurting, but it was one thing to grieve, and another to shut down like this. It wasn't natural. It wasn't JD. "Enough already," he said. "You've got to snap out of it."
JD didn't respond, just watched Jack's wings rise and fall in time with his breathing, until Turk moved in front of him, paws blocking the view. Only then did JD turn his head, looking outside instead.
Turk knelt in front of him, grabbing him by the shoulders. That brought JD up a little--the others hadn't tried touching him, not much. Not since he'd pushed Carla away. "JD--I mean it, man," Turk pleaded. "You have got to cut this out. Damn it, LOOK at me!"
JD sighed, his eyes still downcast. "Please leave me alone," he murmured, his voice soft, calm, indifferent. But a thread of worry was pushing itself through the fog around him. Turk didn't seem likely to take no for an answer...
"Unh uh," Turk said, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't think so, buddy. Carla and Elliot might go for that whole 'time to heal' bullshit, but I don't. This isn't you, JD! Look at you--you're wasting the fuck away! You have got to snap out of it!"
JD shook his head, looking out the window again. "Just go away," he muttered. What did they want from him, anyway? He was still alive. Wasn't that enough?
Turk growled, lip curling up a little. "Look, JD, he's gone," he snapped. "I'm sorry--it sucks, it really does. But this isn't going to bring him back." He lowered his voice, taking JD's face in his hands and forcing him to look up. "He wanted you to be happy, you idiot," he said. "He wanted you to have everything he couldn't. Christ, JD, he wanted you to raise his son. How is this--this pity fest any kind of tribute to his memory?"
JD closed his eyes, but Turk was still there, still holding on to him, and fog was starting to shred around the edges. "You don't understand..." he whispered, trying to hold onto it. But there was emotion in his voice, for the first time since he'd cried on Carla's shoulder, the afternoon he'd found the note. It tore at him, the numbness fading, the pain that was ever in the wings rushing in eagerly to take its place.
"Don't I?" Turk said, encouraged by the way his friend's voice cracked and trembled. JD was still in there, somewhere. He just had to draw him out again. Then maybe he'd grieve for real, and start to recover. "Damn it, JD, you've been my best friend for eleven years now, and I never once saw you a fraction as happy as you were with Perry. Don't you think I know how hard this is for you? But you can't give up, man--you know he would never have wanted that."
"No," JD snapped, eyes flashing. "You're right. What he wanted was to go off and die alone in the middle of a fucking blizzard, and to make me think we were over before he did. I could do with a little less of what he wanted." JD pushed Turk off of him, standing up and crossing to the window. "And keep your voice down, you'll wake Jack."
Turk stared at him. "You've got to be joking," he said. "You knew him better than that, didn't you? Jesus, JD--why the hell do you think he picked that fight?"
JD didn't look at him, just stared outside, wondering where the unicorn had gone. The 'taurs had probably scared her off... "So I wouldn't follow him," he said. "So I'd stay here, and take care of Jack, and he could...could keep me from going with him, which I would've if I'd known the truth. If he'd just...just asked me..." he shook his head, and continued through clenched teeth. "He played me, Turk, and I let it happen. And now he's dead, and I can't follow him. And yeah, I'm being selfish, and petty, and yeah, I'm hiding, but it hurts too fucking much not to, all right?"
"No," Turk said softly. "It's not all right." He had JD talking, and even if he wasn't exactly sure how yet, he was going to make him face this. "God--you haven't even cried for him, not really. You're not grieving for him, you're grieving for yourself. You can't even let go of your fucking self pity long enough to mourn! How is that fair to him, JD?"
"It's not," JD replied, squeezing his eyes shut, his wings slumping. "It's not fair, and I don't fucking care. I've lost too much...This thing has cost me too much, and now I can't even escape it. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm not in there gossiping about Elliot's hair, or keeping you and Carla from picking at each other, or listening to all of you worry about what's going on in your lives, okay?" He turned, facing Turk, eyes bright with pain. "I just can't do it right now. I finally, finally had what I've been looking for my entire life, and now it's gone, and it's partly my fault, and I need some time to deal with that, all right? And not by telling you all how I feel, not by crying it all out and then being fine. I need some time to just not have to think about how fucking miserable I'm going to be without him, all right? To not have to think about how I'm going to have to explain to Jack what happened to his father. To not have to think about how I had everything, everything, and now it's gone. And yeah, I'll snap out of it eventually, and yeah, I'll go back to being goofy and happy go-lucky and dorky and everything you all expect from the JD you keep saying I'm not, and you people won't have to worry about me, but for right now? That's not what I need. So back the fuck off."
Turk was stunned. JD was breathing heavily, staring at him, tears streaking his pale face, though he seemed unaware of them. Jesus--I wanted him to grieve, but not like this.
"JD..." he began, shaking his head. "Jesus, man, I..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, so am I," JD replied, turning back to the window. The gray fog had lifted for a moment, burned away by his anger, but now it flowed back in, cold and safe. "And I'm not going to kill myself, so you can all stop taking shifts with me. Just...just leave me alone."
Turk hesitated, for a long moment, but turned and left again, hating himself for the retreat.
JD listened to his nails clicking against the floorboards, and finally released his hold on the windowsill, his fingers cold and cramped. Somehow, Jack still slept, and JD envied him the escape. He sank to the pile of cushions on the floor, watching the rise and fall of the tiny wings, mind carefully empty, until sleep came for him, as well.
* * *
He'd been careful about dreaming.
For the last two weeks, he'd managed, when he'd fallen asleep, to keep the fog wrapped around him--any dreams he had were vague, and while they were usually melancholy, at least they weren't searingly painful.
This one felt different, though. The fog was still there, and as usual, JD was wandering in it--but this time there was a soft light, a strange sort of glow. He frowned, glancing at his hands, seeing the light outline them, then turning to extend one wing--only to realize he didn't have wings.
That was strange--he always had wings in his dreams. What was going on?
"It's about time you let me in," came a low voice from behind him, quite suddenly, and JD felt his heart falter.
"You can't really be here," he heard himself reply, looking down at his glowing hands again. Maybe if he just concentrated on that, the rest would go away...
"Since when would that stop me?" The voice was amused, but there was a deep undercurrent of concern to it as well. "JD? Look at me."
JD shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to wake up before he started crying. He could feel the tears pricking under his eyelids. If he turned, if he looked and saw Perry standing there...No. No, better to stay numb. "You're not real."
"How can you know if you won't look at me?" The voice was softer still, and closer. "Don't shut me out, JD. It was hard enough getting here in the first place."
"No cheap flights down from Heaven?" JD let out a shuddering breath. He knew he was dreaming, why couldn't he stop?
"Awww, Newbie. I'm touched you think that's where I'd end up. But no, actually, you're the one making it difficult for me to be here. You're trying to send me away even now."
"You couldn't end up in Hell, the Devil couldn't take the competition." JD wiped his eyes, shoulders slumping a little. He didn't turn around, but he stopped fighting to wake up. He sighed, wrapping his arms around his middle. "Why are you here?"
"I'm worried about you," Perry replied simply. "And I'd appreciate it if you'd look at me. Staring at your ass is fun, don't get me wrong, but it's not what I came here to do."
"You're dead," JD snorted. "How can you be worried?" But he turned around, slowly, bottom lip caught in his teeth. And nearly stepped back. Perry was right there, arms folded over his chest, and JD couldn't help looking up into his face, which was soft with concern and love. He felt his own face start to crumple before he pulled himself back under control.
"Hey." Perry moved forward, a little closer, and reached up to brush his hand through JD's hair. "I'll be worried if I damn well want to be worried. Got it?" His voice was gentle, though, and his eyes were tender, the lines around them somewhat softened in the strange glow that surrounded them. "And right now, I am. You're not doing so well, Newbie."
JD shivered, when Perry's hand touched his hair, and he pressed into the touch without meaning to. But then he pulled away, crossing his arms. "What'd you expect?" he whispered. "You're gone."
Perry sighed. "Look, Newbie... I'm sorry. But God, you can't let this beat you. Come on..." he moved forward and reached out again, sliding his hand under JD's jaw, forcing him to look up. "This isn't the JD I know."
"I'm getting really fucking tired of everyone telling me that..." JD closed his eyes again, before pulling away, if gently. "I can't do it, Perry. I just can't. You're gone, and you didn't let me come with you...Fuck, I told you it'd kill me if you died. I won't leave Jack alone, I promise, but I can't...can't do more than that. Not yet. I'm sorry...I'm just not as strong as you think I am."
Perry smiled. "Yeah, you are," he said. "Look at you. You won't even let me help you. But Newbie...there's nothing wrong with needing a little help, as you've told me time and time again. And there's damn sure nothing wrong with accepting it."
JD's lips twitched, slightly. "That means I'm a stubborn idiot, not strong..." He closed his eyes for a moment, and sighed. "I miss you," he said simply. "The others...it's not the same, and I know they're just trying to help, but...they don't understand. And you didn't let me say goodbye." He broke off for a moment, biting his lip. "Why didn't you let me say goodbye? That wasn't fair..."
"Hey," Perry said softly, moving to cup JD's face in his hands. "I'm so sorry, kid," he murmured. "I really am. I made a mistake, and I can't undo it--not now. But since when do you hold a grudge?"
"Since always. I wouldn't take Andrea Metcalf to the junior prom because she beat me in the science fair in third grade..." A tear slipped down JD's cheek, and he made no move to stop it. "Damn it, Perry..." A soft sob escaped him, and he couldn't push it down.
Perry smiled again, though it was sad. "Listen, JD," he said softly. "I need you to do something for me."
"You can't make me promise to find someone else," JD said firmly, scrubbing at his eyes as more tears followed, and he couldn't stop them. "I mean it, I don't even want to think about that. And I'm already going to stay for Jack..."
"Shh, no," Perry said, shaking his head, wiping at JD's tears with his thumbs. "I need you to forgive me."
"F-forgive you?" JD sniffled. "You did what you thought you had to...I'm not happy about the way you managed it, but...God. Of course I forgive you." Was that what this dream was about? Was his subconscious was tired of being angry? Either way, it was probably pretty telling Perry hadn't asked him to forgive himself...after all, Perry was just a figment of his imagination, and his entire brain knew he wasn't forgiving himself anytime soon.
Perry shook his head. "No," he murmured. "You don't. You think you do. You think all this anger you're carrying around is directed at yourself. But it's not--not all of it. You're so angry at me you can't even grieve, and it's killing you, JD. I can't let that happen. Not to you."
"I..." Fuck. He's right. "Okay, fine," JD relented. "Fine. Yes, I'm mad at you. You played me, Perry. You fucking played me, and then on top of that you died, and I don't even know where, I couldn't be there. You left me a goddamn note, and you fixed it so I couldn't follow you. God, you know if it weren't for Jack..." He stopped himself, turning away again. "But what's the point? I'm dreaming, I'm arguing with myself, none of this is real..." Tears slipped down his cheeks again. "You were real. I really had you, you really loved me. It wasn't my imagination, wasn't something I just hoped for, it was real. And now it's gone, and I don't...I don't want anything to ever be that real again."
Perry sighed. "It will be," he insisted, voice low and urgent. "JD, believe me, it will be. I can't..." he broke off, clearly frustrated. "I can't say how, or when, but your life isn't over yet. You have to stop living it as though it is. Not because of me. JD, I couldn't bear it, I really couldn't."
"Yeah? Well, I can't bear this. And you're dead, so I guess I win." But JD's voice was broken. "I can't believe I'm mad at you for dying. It's not like you did it on purpose, right?"
"Maybe not," Perry murmured. "But I was an idiot for thinking I couldn't come to you, even if I only meant to protect you. And for that, I'm so sorry, JD. I wish there was something I could do to take it back..."
JD felt his lips twitch again, against his will. "You and me both," he murmured. "And fuck, now I know I'm dreaming...you're being all sensitive and shit." He shook his head, turning back to Perry, deciding to just go with the dream, give Perry what he wanted. Not like it was real anyway. "I'll try," he said at last. "I can promise you that, at least. I'll actually try to live, to get over this. But I..." he choked, swallowing hard, before continuing in a near whisper: "I don't know if I can."
Perry's face broke into a genuine smile at last, and he held out his arms. "Yeah, you can," he said. "I know you can. Now get over here, kid."
JD hesitated only a moment, and then decided he didn't care how much it would hurt when he woke up, he wanted to feel Perry holding him now. He stepped forward, into Perry's arms, and pressed in close, wrapping his arms tight around the other man. Perry felt solid, real...he even smelled right, and JD couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes. "I love you..."
"Yeah, you do," Perry whispered, holding JD tightly and closing his eyes. "I love you, too." He swallowed, rocking JD a little--then, softly, began to hum.
JD couldn't follow the tune, but he forgot it, in the pure comfort of Perry's touch, his embrace, his presence. He shifted in his sleep tears seeping from under his eyelids. But a soft smile spread across his face as he slipped deeper, leaving dreams behind.
* * *
Perry smiled sadly as JD faded from his arms, falling deeper into unconscious. When he had faded completely, Perry allowed himself to slip backward, through the song, back into his own body, sitting in the treetops in deep concentration.
He opened his eyes and saw Aed watching him.
The Fae's brow was furrowed, but he smiled slightly when his eyes met Perry's. "You touched his dreams," he said. "As I had expected. But the healing...that should have been beyond you, despite what you have learned here. Still, he sleeps peacefully now, and deeper than I think he has for some time."
Perry closed his eyes. "I wanted to tell him," he replied. "So badly...God, how could I leave him thinking I was dead? He..." he opened his eyes, glancing at Aed, his face a mask of pain and confusion. "He was...it's just...I never thought he'd take it that hard, you know?"
"His love for you is no less than yours for him. Did you doubt that?" Aed shook his head slowly. "And he will remember this only as a dream. To tell him you lived, and for him to wake to what he believes is reality once more...it would be needlessly cruel. Your training moves quickly, you will return to him soon enough. Your bond is deeper than I had suspected..." He trailed off, obviously lost in thought. "In any case, you must be tired now. Rest, and eat, and we will begin anew tomorrow."
Perry nodded, not meeting Aed's eyes. The Fae reached out and gripped his shoulder for a moment before taking off soundlessly, leaving Perry alone, sitting in the soft bedding of his strange, temporary home. A covered basket lay before him, the smell of the freshly-baked sweet bread the Fae were so fond of wafting enticingly from beneath the cotton cloth. He sighed, staring at it, his mind far away; as he sat, the Fae's words echoed through his ears, almost accusing.
His love for you is no less than yours for him. Did you doubt that?
The truth was, he'd never thought about it long enough to doubt it. Oh, he'd never doubted JD loved him--at least, not once they'd finally shared their feelings. But somehow, he never imagined that JD's feelings for him could possibly be the same as his for JD. Never imagined JD needed him so desperately and completely--that he'd fall apart so totally, if he lost Perry. Grief, sure; sorrow, for a time, of course. But this...this went beyond grief, beyond any conventional definition of pain. JD had looked like death warmed over.
Perry swallowed, the guilt at the way he left growing more intense. Jesus, if he'd had any idea...he would've just risked JD coming, rather than subject him to the misery he was experiencing now. Carla would have looked after Jack, of that Perry had no doubts, and the Fae had turned out to be friendly after all...
He sighed, reaching into the basket and picking up one of the spiced rolls, biting into it; though it was light, and flaky, he barely registered its sweet taste, the guilt and sadness occupying him too thoroughly.
He'd made more progress in the last few days, and Aed had told him he would only need another week or so of training before he would be ready. He'd already tried to part the barrier, and had even succeeded in opening a gap wide enough to slip his hand through, but he was not strong enough to open it any further. Besides which, he'd been charged with not only knowing how to heal, but being able to teach the others as well, and he knew he wasn't ready for that, not yet.
When he'd looked surprised at the news, Aed had simply smirked. "Why do you think you ended up in a cabin full of other healers?" he said. "Five of you in one place is not a coincidence."
Perry had frowned. "Five...?" he'd asked, then realized the Fae was including Carla.
"She is not a doctor by your rules, no, but she is a sensitive and compassionate person all the same. She will be a good healer," Aed had answered his unspoken query, and Perry had nodded. Carla was certainly all that, and he remembered her telling him once that she'd wanted to be a doctor, when she was little; her family simply couldn't afford it. He smiled, glad to think that now she'd have her chance.
But learning the Song, and learning to teach it to others, were two different things, Aed had told him. Even though Perry was now able to heal more often than not, and less susceptible to distraction, he still had to perfect his ability, and learn to translate it without the empathy of the other Fae.
It was why he'd first began learning to Project.
When he'd first started, he'd started small, projecting himself into already receptive Fae. But once he'd learned what it could do, he began to try to reach JD.
But the distance was too great, and JD was less than receptive, the first few times he'd tried. He'd doubled his efforts, spending much of the time he was supposed to sleep trying to contact his lover--he had to know he was all right. Had to let JD know that he was all right, as well. He hated being so far from him, not knowing if he was suffering, if he was hurting.
Aed had discovered him at it, of course, and had warned him against it.
"You will be doing him very little good," the Fae said. "He will only be receptive enough in dreams, and he will not believe those dreams when he awakens. Any hope you give him will only make his pain worse, when he learns it was only a dream, and believes it untrue."
But Perry was adamant, and Aed had finally relented. "For a short period of time," he said sternly. "And you must do nothing more than comfort him. That you are safe and alive will be revealed to him soon enough."
It had taken several tries to reach JD, though. The younger man had put up defenses without even knowing it, trying to protect himself from his own feelings but effectively blocking Perry as well. It had only been Turk's intervention forcing JD to face a small part of his feelings that had allowed Perry an opening; he'd waited, holding the connection with Aed's help until JD had fallen asleep, watching as the young man had yelled at his friend, listening to the pain in his voice.
"I finally, finally had what I've been looking for my entire life, and now it's gone...I need some time to just not have to think about how fucking miserable I'm going to be without him, all right? I had everything, everything, and now it's gone..."
It had been all Perry could do to hold that connection, faced with JD's pain; it had taken even more to hold it when JD had shut himself down again. But held it he had, and he'd done what Aed had told him he could not: he'd healed JD. Only a very little, sure--but he'd done it through the Projection.
Aed was impressed, Perry knew, but he also knew it had nothing to do with his skill, and everything to do with the strength of his bond with, and love for, JD.
He sighed, finishing his meal and tucking the basket into a gap in the weave of branches surrounding him, then curled on his side, cocooning his wings around his body. JD was okay, or he would be--and he was better now than he'd been for some time. When this was over, Perry would explain everything, and let JD kick his ass for it, if he wanted. Then he would swear to never, ever do anything like this ever again.
And this time, he'd mean it.
* * *
Next Chapter
* * *
Characters: John Dorian/Perry Cox
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Chapter Rating: PG-13 (language)
Description: This is a wildly AU story with fantastical elements based on
thuri's Nano writing project. It begins late in season three, before Carla and Turk's wedding, and from there follows the characters as they face the Change, a strange, magical phenomenon that is turning ordinary humans into half-human creatures from fantasy.Chapter listings: Contents Post
Five more days passed, and still JD had not snapped out of the strange funk he'd slipped into after finding Perry's letter. He'd taken to carrying it folded in his pocket wherever he went, though the others never saw him read it, and they frequently would find him curled in a corner, when Jack was asleep, staring at the black and white photo the letter had marked. He would trace his fingers over it, outlining the contours of Perry's face, stroking over his hair, his chest, his arms, but though he would occasionally release a faint sigh, he never cried.
By the end of the sixth day, Turk decided he'd had enough.
He waited until the others had left for the field--they took turns staying behind, afraid to leave JD alone--then stalked into the den, determined to confront his friend.
"All right, dude," he growled, planting himself in front of JD while his best friend sat on the floor watching Jack sleeping in his playpen. He'd lost weight, in the past two weeks, and there were dark circles under his blank eyes. Turk understood his friend was hurting, but it was one thing to grieve, and another to shut down like this. It wasn't natural. It wasn't JD. "Enough already," he said. "You've got to snap out of it."
JD didn't respond, just watched Jack's wings rise and fall in time with his breathing, until Turk moved in front of him, paws blocking the view. Only then did JD turn his head, looking outside instead.
Turk knelt in front of him, grabbing him by the shoulders. That brought JD up a little--the others hadn't tried touching him, not much. Not since he'd pushed Carla away. "JD--I mean it, man," Turk pleaded. "You have got to cut this out. Damn it, LOOK at me!"
JD sighed, his eyes still downcast. "Please leave me alone," he murmured, his voice soft, calm, indifferent. But a thread of worry was pushing itself through the fog around him. Turk didn't seem likely to take no for an answer...
"Unh uh," Turk said, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't think so, buddy. Carla and Elliot might go for that whole 'time to heal' bullshit, but I don't. This isn't you, JD! Look at you--you're wasting the fuck away! You have got to snap out of it!"
JD shook his head, looking out the window again. "Just go away," he muttered. What did they want from him, anyway? He was still alive. Wasn't that enough?
Turk growled, lip curling up a little. "Look, JD, he's gone," he snapped. "I'm sorry--it sucks, it really does. But this isn't going to bring him back." He lowered his voice, taking JD's face in his hands and forcing him to look up. "He wanted you to be happy, you idiot," he said. "He wanted you to have everything he couldn't. Christ, JD, he wanted you to raise his son. How is this--this pity fest any kind of tribute to his memory?"
JD closed his eyes, but Turk was still there, still holding on to him, and fog was starting to shred around the edges. "You don't understand..." he whispered, trying to hold onto it. But there was emotion in his voice, for the first time since he'd cried on Carla's shoulder, the afternoon he'd found the note. It tore at him, the numbness fading, the pain that was ever in the wings rushing in eagerly to take its place.
"Don't I?" Turk said, encouraged by the way his friend's voice cracked and trembled. JD was still in there, somewhere. He just had to draw him out again. Then maybe he'd grieve for real, and start to recover. "Damn it, JD, you've been my best friend for eleven years now, and I never once saw you a fraction as happy as you were with Perry. Don't you think I know how hard this is for you? But you can't give up, man--you know he would never have wanted that."
"No," JD snapped, eyes flashing. "You're right. What he wanted was to go off and die alone in the middle of a fucking blizzard, and to make me think we were over before he did. I could do with a little less of what he wanted." JD pushed Turk off of him, standing up and crossing to the window. "And keep your voice down, you'll wake Jack."
Turk stared at him. "You've got to be joking," he said. "You knew him better than that, didn't you? Jesus, JD--why the hell do you think he picked that fight?"
JD didn't look at him, just stared outside, wondering where the unicorn had gone. The 'taurs had probably scared her off... "So I wouldn't follow him," he said. "So I'd stay here, and take care of Jack, and he could...could keep me from going with him, which I would've if I'd known the truth. If he'd just...just asked me..." he shook his head, and continued through clenched teeth. "He played me, Turk, and I let it happen. And now he's dead, and I can't follow him. And yeah, I'm being selfish, and petty, and yeah, I'm hiding, but it hurts too fucking much not to, all right?"
"No," Turk said softly. "It's not all right." He had JD talking, and even if he wasn't exactly sure how yet, he was going to make him face this. "God--you haven't even cried for him, not really. You're not grieving for him, you're grieving for yourself. You can't even let go of your fucking self pity long enough to mourn! How is that fair to him, JD?"
"It's not," JD replied, squeezing his eyes shut, his wings slumping. "It's not fair, and I don't fucking care. I've lost too much...This thing has cost me too much, and now I can't even escape it. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm not in there gossiping about Elliot's hair, or keeping you and Carla from picking at each other, or listening to all of you worry about what's going on in your lives, okay?" He turned, facing Turk, eyes bright with pain. "I just can't do it right now. I finally, finally had what I've been looking for my entire life, and now it's gone, and it's partly my fault, and I need some time to deal with that, all right? And not by telling you all how I feel, not by crying it all out and then being fine. I need some time to just not have to think about how fucking miserable I'm going to be without him, all right? To not have to think about how I'm going to have to explain to Jack what happened to his father. To not have to think about how I had everything, everything, and now it's gone. And yeah, I'll snap out of it eventually, and yeah, I'll go back to being goofy and happy go-lucky and dorky and everything you all expect from the JD you keep saying I'm not, and you people won't have to worry about me, but for right now? That's not what I need. So back the fuck off."
Turk was stunned. JD was breathing heavily, staring at him, tears streaking his pale face, though he seemed unaware of them. Jesus--I wanted him to grieve, but not like this.
"JD..." he began, shaking his head. "Jesus, man, I..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, so am I," JD replied, turning back to the window. The gray fog had lifted for a moment, burned away by his anger, but now it flowed back in, cold and safe. "And I'm not going to kill myself, so you can all stop taking shifts with me. Just...just leave me alone."
Turk hesitated, for a long moment, but turned and left again, hating himself for the retreat.
JD listened to his nails clicking against the floorboards, and finally released his hold on the windowsill, his fingers cold and cramped. Somehow, Jack still slept, and JD envied him the escape. He sank to the pile of cushions on the floor, watching the rise and fall of the tiny wings, mind carefully empty, until sleep came for him, as well.
* * *
He'd been careful about dreaming.
For the last two weeks, he'd managed, when he'd fallen asleep, to keep the fog wrapped around him--any dreams he had were vague, and while they were usually melancholy, at least they weren't searingly painful.
This one felt different, though. The fog was still there, and as usual, JD was wandering in it--but this time there was a soft light, a strange sort of glow. He frowned, glancing at his hands, seeing the light outline them, then turning to extend one wing--only to realize he didn't have wings.
That was strange--he always had wings in his dreams. What was going on?
"It's about time you let me in," came a low voice from behind him, quite suddenly, and JD felt his heart falter.
"You can't really be here," he heard himself reply, looking down at his glowing hands again. Maybe if he just concentrated on that, the rest would go away...
"Since when would that stop me?" The voice was amused, but there was a deep undercurrent of concern to it as well. "JD? Look at me."
JD shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to wake up before he started crying. He could feel the tears pricking under his eyelids. If he turned, if he looked and saw Perry standing there...No. No, better to stay numb. "You're not real."
"How can you know if you won't look at me?" The voice was softer still, and closer. "Don't shut me out, JD. It was hard enough getting here in the first place."
"No cheap flights down from Heaven?" JD let out a shuddering breath. He knew he was dreaming, why couldn't he stop?
"Awww, Newbie. I'm touched you think that's where I'd end up. But no, actually, you're the one making it difficult for me to be here. You're trying to send me away even now."
"You couldn't end up in Hell, the Devil couldn't take the competition." JD wiped his eyes, shoulders slumping a little. He didn't turn around, but he stopped fighting to wake up. He sighed, wrapping his arms around his middle. "Why are you here?"
"I'm worried about you," Perry replied simply. "And I'd appreciate it if you'd look at me. Staring at your ass is fun, don't get me wrong, but it's not what I came here to do."
"You're dead," JD snorted. "How can you be worried?" But he turned around, slowly, bottom lip caught in his teeth. And nearly stepped back. Perry was right there, arms folded over his chest, and JD couldn't help looking up into his face, which was soft with concern and love. He felt his own face start to crumple before he pulled himself back under control.
"Hey." Perry moved forward, a little closer, and reached up to brush his hand through JD's hair. "I'll be worried if I damn well want to be worried. Got it?" His voice was gentle, though, and his eyes were tender, the lines around them somewhat softened in the strange glow that surrounded them. "And right now, I am. You're not doing so well, Newbie."
JD shivered, when Perry's hand touched his hair, and he pressed into the touch without meaning to. But then he pulled away, crossing his arms. "What'd you expect?" he whispered. "You're gone."
Perry sighed. "Look, Newbie... I'm sorry. But God, you can't let this beat you. Come on..." he moved forward and reached out again, sliding his hand under JD's jaw, forcing him to look up. "This isn't the JD I know."
"I'm getting really fucking tired of everyone telling me that..." JD closed his eyes again, before pulling away, if gently. "I can't do it, Perry. I just can't. You're gone, and you didn't let me come with you...Fuck, I told you it'd kill me if you died. I won't leave Jack alone, I promise, but I can't...can't do more than that. Not yet. I'm sorry...I'm just not as strong as you think I am."
Perry smiled. "Yeah, you are," he said. "Look at you. You won't even let me help you. But Newbie...there's nothing wrong with needing a little help, as you've told me time and time again. And there's damn sure nothing wrong with accepting it."
JD's lips twitched, slightly. "That means I'm a stubborn idiot, not strong..." He closed his eyes for a moment, and sighed. "I miss you," he said simply. "The others...it's not the same, and I know they're just trying to help, but...they don't understand. And you didn't let me say goodbye." He broke off for a moment, biting his lip. "Why didn't you let me say goodbye? That wasn't fair..."
"Hey," Perry said softly, moving to cup JD's face in his hands. "I'm so sorry, kid," he murmured. "I really am. I made a mistake, and I can't undo it--not now. But since when do you hold a grudge?"
"Since always. I wouldn't take Andrea Metcalf to the junior prom because she beat me in the science fair in third grade..." A tear slipped down JD's cheek, and he made no move to stop it. "Damn it, Perry..." A soft sob escaped him, and he couldn't push it down.
Perry smiled again, though it was sad. "Listen, JD," he said softly. "I need you to do something for me."
"You can't make me promise to find someone else," JD said firmly, scrubbing at his eyes as more tears followed, and he couldn't stop them. "I mean it, I don't even want to think about that. And I'm already going to stay for Jack..."
"Shh, no," Perry said, shaking his head, wiping at JD's tears with his thumbs. "I need you to forgive me."
"F-forgive you?" JD sniffled. "You did what you thought you had to...I'm not happy about the way you managed it, but...God. Of course I forgive you." Was that what this dream was about? Was his subconscious was tired of being angry? Either way, it was probably pretty telling Perry hadn't asked him to forgive himself...after all, Perry was just a figment of his imagination, and his entire brain knew he wasn't forgiving himself anytime soon.
Perry shook his head. "No," he murmured. "You don't. You think you do. You think all this anger you're carrying around is directed at yourself. But it's not--not all of it. You're so angry at me you can't even grieve, and it's killing you, JD. I can't let that happen. Not to you."
"I..." Fuck. He's right. "Okay, fine," JD relented. "Fine. Yes, I'm mad at you. You played me, Perry. You fucking played me, and then on top of that you died, and I don't even know where, I couldn't be there. You left me a goddamn note, and you fixed it so I couldn't follow you. God, you know if it weren't for Jack..." He stopped himself, turning away again. "But what's the point? I'm dreaming, I'm arguing with myself, none of this is real..." Tears slipped down his cheeks again. "You were real. I really had you, you really loved me. It wasn't my imagination, wasn't something I just hoped for, it was real. And now it's gone, and I don't...I don't want anything to ever be that real again."
Perry sighed. "It will be," he insisted, voice low and urgent. "JD, believe me, it will be. I can't..." he broke off, clearly frustrated. "I can't say how, or when, but your life isn't over yet. You have to stop living it as though it is. Not because of me. JD, I couldn't bear it, I really couldn't."
"Yeah? Well, I can't bear this. And you're dead, so I guess I win." But JD's voice was broken. "I can't believe I'm mad at you for dying. It's not like you did it on purpose, right?"
"Maybe not," Perry murmured. "But I was an idiot for thinking I couldn't come to you, even if I only meant to protect you. And for that, I'm so sorry, JD. I wish there was something I could do to take it back..."
JD felt his lips twitch again, against his will. "You and me both," he murmured. "And fuck, now I know I'm dreaming...you're being all sensitive and shit." He shook his head, turning back to Perry, deciding to just go with the dream, give Perry what he wanted. Not like it was real anyway. "I'll try," he said at last. "I can promise you that, at least. I'll actually try to live, to get over this. But I..." he choked, swallowing hard, before continuing in a near whisper: "I don't know if I can."
Perry's face broke into a genuine smile at last, and he held out his arms. "Yeah, you can," he said. "I know you can. Now get over here, kid."
JD hesitated only a moment, and then decided he didn't care how much it would hurt when he woke up, he wanted to feel Perry holding him now. He stepped forward, into Perry's arms, and pressed in close, wrapping his arms tight around the other man. Perry felt solid, real...he even smelled right, and JD couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes. "I love you..."
"Yeah, you do," Perry whispered, holding JD tightly and closing his eyes. "I love you, too." He swallowed, rocking JD a little--then, softly, began to hum.
JD couldn't follow the tune, but he forgot it, in the pure comfort of Perry's touch, his embrace, his presence. He shifted in his sleep tears seeping from under his eyelids. But a soft smile spread across his face as he slipped deeper, leaving dreams behind.
* * *
Perry smiled sadly as JD faded from his arms, falling deeper into unconscious. When he had faded completely, Perry allowed himself to slip backward, through the song, back into his own body, sitting in the treetops in deep concentration.
He opened his eyes and saw Aed watching him.
The Fae's brow was furrowed, but he smiled slightly when his eyes met Perry's. "You touched his dreams," he said. "As I had expected. But the healing...that should have been beyond you, despite what you have learned here. Still, he sleeps peacefully now, and deeper than I think he has for some time."
Perry closed his eyes. "I wanted to tell him," he replied. "So badly...God, how could I leave him thinking I was dead? He..." he opened his eyes, glancing at Aed, his face a mask of pain and confusion. "He was...it's just...I never thought he'd take it that hard, you know?"
"His love for you is no less than yours for him. Did you doubt that?" Aed shook his head slowly. "And he will remember this only as a dream. To tell him you lived, and for him to wake to what he believes is reality once more...it would be needlessly cruel. Your training moves quickly, you will return to him soon enough. Your bond is deeper than I had suspected..." He trailed off, obviously lost in thought. "In any case, you must be tired now. Rest, and eat, and we will begin anew tomorrow."
Perry nodded, not meeting Aed's eyes. The Fae reached out and gripped his shoulder for a moment before taking off soundlessly, leaving Perry alone, sitting in the soft bedding of his strange, temporary home. A covered basket lay before him, the smell of the freshly-baked sweet bread the Fae were so fond of wafting enticingly from beneath the cotton cloth. He sighed, staring at it, his mind far away; as he sat, the Fae's words echoed through his ears, almost accusing.
His love for you is no less than yours for him. Did you doubt that?
The truth was, he'd never thought about it long enough to doubt it. Oh, he'd never doubted JD loved him--at least, not once they'd finally shared their feelings. But somehow, he never imagined that JD's feelings for him could possibly be the same as his for JD. Never imagined JD needed him so desperately and completely--that he'd fall apart so totally, if he lost Perry. Grief, sure; sorrow, for a time, of course. But this...this went beyond grief, beyond any conventional definition of pain. JD had looked like death warmed over.
Perry swallowed, the guilt at the way he left growing more intense. Jesus, if he'd had any idea...he would've just risked JD coming, rather than subject him to the misery he was experiencing now. Carla would have looked after Jack, of that Perry had no doubts, and the Fae had turned out to be friendly after all...
He sighed, reaching into the basket and picking up one of the spiced rolls, biting into it; though it was light, and flaky, he barely registered its sweet taste, the guilt and sadness occupying him too thoroughly.
He'd made more progress in the last few days, and Aed had told him he would only need another week or so of training before he would be ready. He'd already tried to part the barrier, and had even succeeded in opening a gap wide enough to slip his hand through, but he was not strong enough to open it any further. Besides which, he'd been charged with not only knowing how to heal, but being able to teach the others as well, and he knew he wasn't ready for that, not yet.
When he'd looked surprised at the news, Aed had simply smirked. "Why do you think you ended up in a cabin full of other healers?" he said. "Five of you in one place is not a coincidence."
Perry had frowned. "Five...?" he'd asked, then realized the Fae was including Carla.
"She is not a doctor by your rules, no, but she is a sensitive and compassionate person all the same. She will be a good healer," Aed had answered his unspoken query, and Perry had nodded. Carla was certainly all that, and he remembered her telling him once that she'd wanted to be a doctor, when she was little; her family simply couldn't afford it. He smiled, glad to think that now she'd have her chance.
But learning the Song, and learning to teach it to others, were two different things, Aed had told him. Even though Perry was now able to heal more often than not, and less susceptible to distraction, he still had to perfect his ability, and learn to translate it without the empathy of the other Fae.
It was why he'd first began learning to Project.
When he'd first started, he'd started small, projecting himself into already receptive Fae. But once he'd learned what it could do, he began to try to reach JD.
But the distance was too great, and JD was less than receptive, the first few times he'd tried. He'd doubled his efforts, spending much of the time he was supposed to sleep trying to contact his lover--he had to know he was all right. Had to let JD know that he was all right, as well. He hated being so far from him, not knowing if he was suffering, if he was hurting.
Aed had discovered him at it, of course, and had warned him against it.
"You will be doing him very little good," the Fae said. "He will only be receptive enough in dreams, and he will not believe those dreams when he awakens. Any hope you give him will only make his pain worse, when he learns it was only a dream, and believes it untrue."
But Perry was adamant, and Aed had finally relented. "For a short period of time," he said sternly. "And you must do nothing more than comfort him. That you are safe and alive will be revealed to him soon enough."
It had taken several tries to reach JD, though. The younger man had put up defenses without even knowing it, trying to protect himself from his own feelings but effectively blocking Perry as well. It had only been Turk's intervention forcing JD to face a small part of his feelings that had allowed Perry an opening; he'd waited, holding the connection with Aed's help until JD had fallen asleep, watching as the young man had yelled at his friend, listening to the pain in his voice.
"I finally, finally had what I've been looking for my entire life, and now it's gone...I need some time to just not have to think about how fucking miserable I'm going to be without him, all right? I had everything, everything, and now it's gone..."
It had been all Perry could do to hold that connection, faced with JD's pain; it had taken even more to hold it when JD had shut himself down again. But held it he had, and he'd done what Aed had told him he could not: he'd healed JD. Only a very little, sure--but he'd done it through the Projection.
Aed was impressed, Perry knew, but he also knew it had nothing to do with his skill, and everything to do with the strength of his bond with, and love for, JD.
He sighed, finishing his meal and tucking the basket into a gap in the weave of branches surrounding him, then curled on his side, cocooning his wings around his body. JD was okay, or he would be--and he was better now than he'd been for some time. When this was over, Perry would explain everything, and let JD kick his ass for it, if he wanted. Then he would swear to never, ever do anything like this ever again.
And this time, he'd mean it.
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